well another eventful weekend. too much to fit in one post. ok well maybe not. went to the flea market, ate some mexican food, looked at pool tables, walked the mall, went to the drive in, drank beer, ate kfc, ate ice cream, ate popcorn, ate pizza, drank pepsi. ok so i eat a lot. that's been established now. but you know this weekend had a lot of time devoted to thought. even when i was trying to concentrate on the movies, i was in my own thoughts. contemplating my future, and just what it might bring. i have two choices. one the safer choice and the choice the reasonable person would pick. the other the more daring, risky choice, the one you make when haven't thought all the things through. And I don't know which one is the better choice. thought or instinct? sometimes i think if i make the thoughtful, seemingly smarter choice i will be less happy. because my happiness would be skyrocketed with the riskier choice. so this is my dilemma of the moment. for the next 6 months to be exact. which direction will i decide my life will go in? only 24 and I'm making decisions that will effect my life in a big way. you'd think I would be used to this by now. guess one never does get used to those things. i ponder on what decision my mom would approve of more if she was here. but then again, i wonder if she would have taken a step back and let me decide and make my own decisions to learn from them. i wonder that a lot. some people say that if my mom was here she wouldn't approve of some of decisions that have been made, not only with me, with my sister and brother. but honestly, i think that we don't really know. maybe those who knew her can say that, because her traits and her way of thinking became familiar to them. but is that really so? i know sometimes i make complete opposite decisions of what people think i'm going to. keeps them guessing i suppose. so i don't like to think that she would necessarily disapprove of certain things her children have done or are going to do. i think she would just trust that we knew what we were doing. and that we would be able to handle whatever circumstances we received by our decisions. she would be there to lend a hand, i know that much. she would be there to bop me on the head whenever i need to be realigned. that i have no doubt. but i think she would let us live our lives and love the people we want to love. maybe i'm wrong, but then again, maybe i'm not. if i have the chance, I'll have to ask her. But that is sometime in the future, and for now I still have the decision. with my job ending, my world changes. a new year will begin, and it might not find me here. it might find me somewhere else. where is that? i think that is still to be determined. if it is at all. it will be closure. as if i needed any more. i think this life has taught me about new beginnings and endings. i seem to quote the matrix a lot on here, but for a lack of better words, its true. "everything that has a beginning, has a end. " atleast in this system that is. a chapter of my life will end and new one will begin, whether i like it or not. sometimes life doesn't ask what you want, or what's more convenient to you. it decides for you. fate? no. destiny? no. just circumstance, just daily life. and that's how it goes. that's how it always goes. i truly hate that saying. with all my heart i despise that saying. why? why does it always have to go that way? that seems such a cop out. that's how it goes. why?! why must it always go? isn't there times when it doesn't go at all?? i remember my dad, he would always say "must be nice." and I catch myself saying that from time to time. and i hate it. must be nice. in other words, im not going to try, im just going to sigh and not doing anything about it. if there is one thing I've learned from my dad, is to try. and that's because he didn't. this is my opinion of course. i know some family members have theirs, and I have mine. and from what i saw from him, he didn't. it's not about winning, in being a good father, in being a good example, it's not about coming in first and being the best. it's about trying. i never expected him to be the best dad. i knew he had his problems. but all he had to do was try. he did sometimes, but overall he felt sorry for himself and gave up. that's the person i don't want to be. i see parts of that in me, it's only obvious that some parts would show up. but i try to combat it with other examples that I have. i sometimes wonder if the average person has all the thoughts i have. i mean is that normal? does the average person have to fight himself on a daily basis? and I realize, that yes they do. probably even more so. like I've always said, my life has been pretty hard. the hardest? no, not at all. but it is hard enough for me. i'd like to think Jehovah has let my life be the way it is, because he knows i can handle it. anymore would be too much. he allows only what he knows you can bear. and if we do have more then we can bear, it's not because of him. it's because we messed up somewhere along the line and added to the burden. i guess where I'm at, i want to start taking away from it. over the last 3 years i have seemed to add more then ever. and i am ready to get back to my little burden, the one i naively thought was world ending back then. the one i miss now. but that beginning has ended. now with this new one i have a chance to do what i want, what I have always wanted to do. be the person i want to be. and continue to love the one that i do. i guess some things won't change. but until then i will still be eating, drinking pepsi and beer, concentrating on the movie and trying not to think.
hope all is well wherever you may be. adios.
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