getting over it

confusion reigns supreme once again
nothing as it seems
never know where I'm at
never know what anything means
so many emotions come to the fore
and I don't know, just like one
I don't know how to get it out of my mind
like once before
it's the only thing I find
the blood that boils in my veins
shouldn't even be a little warm
I shouldn't feel the way I do
I shouldn't feel I'm at harm
cause all I feel now is shame
it really hurts that bad
I don't know why I act this way
I don't know why I'm so sad
and I ask and beg to take it away
but I never shed any tears
for all those useless days
for all those wasted years
so many things I could have been
so far I could have gone,
then I'd be here, and maybe I'd be the one,
so I suck it up, and hope for a better day
I don't know where either of us will end up
but maybe we will run into each other
somewhere along the way.

I actually wrote this a few years back, and in light of current events it seems to apply. I have been thinking the last couple days, about everything that has happened and the way it all has finally ended. It's weird, because I always thought I would be a lot more down and out about it then I actually am. I thought I would be completely depressed and affected by it. But I guess in reality, I have always known. I have always had the doubt in my head, the reality that it wouldn't work no matter how hard I tried. From the beginning it seemed destined to fail. If you know me, you know I don't believe in things being destined, but this one did seem like it had no hope. And I guess that's why I am not fully destroyed by the fact that it didn't work out. Because I always knew it wasn't ever going to. And you know I remember contemplating never loving, never trying again. That if it didn't work out, then I was done with it all. But now, I don't see that happening. Why should I give up on love, because of a relationship that lacked it? Why should I deprive myself out of the oppurtunity to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally? In my mind now, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and be interested in another girl right away, but then again, I'm not going to deny myself the possibility. I did my part. I loved much more then the required amount, and I never once asked for anything in return. I can look back and be proud, yes I was a fool, and yes I should have been more wise. But I can't look back and say that I didn't try. I did. Eventhough it wasn't enough, I tried. So now, I go it alone once again. "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known." And now when being full of anger would be completely justifiable, I'm calm and collected. I wish her no harm, I just hope she finds what she wants. I wish her love in the future. I wish her the best. "Because on faith and love it all does depend. And this last line, is the end."