slowly but surely

well its about midnight and i just finished up at the gym, another good 30 minutes, and about 100 really good crunches. it seems to be my nightly routine. atleast I have some sort of routine.

well in the wake of my downriver trip, something else has been in the back of my mind. i was talking with matt the other day, and he asked me about "her." I told him that she still calls me every week or every other week, and we talk for a bit. it's weird though, cause obviously it's not the same. just yesterday she called. i was watching tv and my cell went off and I glanced at the number. Area Code 713, which I have come to know is for Houston, Texas. Where she is. So took a deep breath and answered it. When I answered, I knew what was coming next. The long "hiiiii! how are you?" that she always enthusiastically says when I answer. So as I said hello I waited for it. And it came. Her soft, feminine voice did not disappoint. Her voice came in clear. That voice I longed to hear for all those years, that voice I just couldn't get enough of, with it's accent I have got so accustomed to. Now it's met with mixed emotions. I don't want to say that I don't want to hear her, that I wish not to ever speak to her again. But I guess since it's "ended" that voice has sort of slipped into having a negative connotation. Like when eat something that makes you sick, anything that reminds you of that, those feelings of sickness and agony, just are associated with badness. And even though i don't necessarily want her to be, her voice now brings up bad memories, memories of wasted time and hurt. And I hate that. I hate to be bitter. I hate to think that it affects me that much. And I wonder if it affects her. I wonder if she feels bad. I can only assume that she does, because she apologized many times. But I wonder if she meant it. I wonder if she was really feeling remorse, or it was just the fact that she knew an apology was standard procedure. So as I we talked for a few minutes, she asked me what I was up to. I told her not much, just still looking for a job, and working out. She said that she was doing good too, working and the same old. Then as if fate knew the lameness of our conversation, the old lady that she worked far started to call her (she was at work at the time) and she said she had to go. Our conversation lasted about 4 minutes. And just as fast as she was there, connected to me and my life, she was gone. Later on that night I ended up chatting with Matt again and he told me something interesting. He said something to the effect, "I wish you two would just work it out already." That got me thinking. She had been calling me, I haven't called her once since that day that we decided to end it. Was she trying to get me back? How can you get something back, that you never really had? Not that she didn't have me, cause all she had to do was say she wanted a serious relationship and I would have jumped on board. But she never said that. And she still wasn't saying that. To me, she is just calling to stay on good terms. To stay "friends" like we said we would be. But can men and women truly be only friends? Is it possible, without one side starting to feel more? To me it seems impossible, because every "friend" that is a girl that I have, I have liked for "more" then a friend or they like me at some point and it didn't work out. And the thing is, I don't know if I want to be her friend. I'm not saying I hate her, because I don't. But in this case, it's just hard for me to want to give her time, my energy, because I already had so much in the past, and it got me nowhere. I guess in my head, if she wants to be friends with me, then she needs to do it. I have already proven my friendship. And I wonder if she is feeling lonely now, if it's getting to her. I know she can be independent, but at some point, she started to rely on me, to back her up and give her support. And now I have just let that go. Because to me, she didn't want it. She wanted all the perks, and extras of having me be her bf, but without the committment of a relationship. And I hate to think that, I hate to think of her as a selfish person who would try and take advantage of that. I look at myself, and say that I gave her those things, and never asked anything back, it was my fault. But then I have to remember, that she didn't have to take those. It's like someone giving you rewards for something you didn't do. Do you take them and never tell them otherwise? Or do you just tell them and stop it. Maybe I shouldn't have been so naive and given her so much, but then again, she didn't have to take them. Not for 3 years anyway. So I think about what Matt said. If we could even work it out. And I have to say I'm skeptical. Because once your broken up, you miss that person. You long for that person, you remember all the good times you had with that person. All the sweet things they did, and all the wonderful memories you have. And that is your heart taking over. It clouds out the mind, which reminds you of every stupid little thing that annoyed you about that person. About how you fought and fought over trivial things, and seemed to be stressed out constantly. The minds tells reminds you about the dysfunction of the relationship and how stubborn she was. How the heart longs for a romantic reunion of two loves that seem destined for each other. But I think that's dangerous. Because as soon as you get back together, the reality sits in. The bliss fades, and the same old problems you had before creep right back up. And you start to remember the reason why you called it quits in the first place. I think that if both have that love for each other, then maybe it would could be salvaged. I think nothing is stronger then that love for each other, that longing to be with each other. No amount of fighting can't be overcome with that mutual love. And that mutual love is exactly what me and her didn't have. It was not mutual. So if there is a point in the future that it could ever happen, the reunion and reattempt at the "us" I avidly pursued, it would have to be with that mutual love. And that's something she never had. She would have to prove to me, without a shadow of a doubt that she really truly did have that. And that's hard, because that's saying I would believe her. As the days pass, that love in me is fading. It's slowly going away. So to "just work it out" seems like an impossibility to me. I do not know what will happen in the future between us, but I'm going to be realistic. And reality tells me, no. Nothing is ever going to become of "us." I hate to be the pessimist, but on this one it seems to be optimistic, is to just be a damn fool.

and you know maybe im being selfish. maybe i am a bit bitter and I want to protect my feelings from further attacks. maybe I can't seem to go back to being "friends" after we have already crossed, and danced on the line of frienship and relationship. but either way it's all i can do. even though it does get to me sometimes, I cannot and will not let those feelings of longing for her win. i honestly don't know how it is affecting her. when she calls she seems a bit melancholy about the whole situation. but I don't know if that is a front to try to make me feel better. as if she is having a hard time with this, as if i meant so much that it hurts her. but you know what, i don't care. if it is hurting her, then let it hurt. if she feels alone, then let her get used to the loneliness. i hate that about me, i hate that wish those things on her, but i would be a liar if I said part of me doesn't think those things. i would be a liar if i was to say that I am not happy that i have taken away all my attention from her. does she deserve it? I don't know. other people say she does, but I don't care what they say. Is she a good person? Yes. Does she have issues? Yes. Do I love her the same as before? I don't know anymore. Even though part the part of me that wants to be a better person is battling the bitter side, the majority part just wants to forget and move on. I'm not interested in making peace with her, I'm not worried about making her feel the pain I did, I just want to let it go and move on. And that's the majority right now. To take her as a learning experience and apply to the future. That's what I want to do now. But when it comes to those feelings, I wish I could numb them. To dilute them so they loose their potency. I long to be callous. One song's lyrics come to my mind:

And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you


as time passes I know it will fade more and more. positive things have already started to come out of the whole thing. And I apologize for the rantings about her, but this is therapy. this is part of "getting over" her. I'm moving on. Forward ahead. slowly but surely.