haze

well i just woke up. i came down stairs to a quiet house, one that is still chilly by the outside air. i put on my zipper shirt thingy and sat down on the couch. the conversation I had with my sister just before I got up seems like part dream, only the coughing and the hacking I did all the way through it remind me that it was real. I will be going to work tonight for the first night since Sunday night. I can not say I honestly feel ready to get back to work, but I fear that if I don't I will no longer have work to go to. Cruel world, when companies demand more of you then the bacteria in your body. I sit here and strive to think of something that I could write that would make the perfect post. I long to write the perfect thing. I am forever chasing the perfect expression of my thoughts. Maybe it is not possible with the English language, maybe it's not possible with any language. So many thoughts have been passing through my head these last few days. As Ruben put it, seems like my mind is swimming in a vat of once was and what is yet to be. Of strength and of weakness. For once I might actually understand how Mike feels, how the channels keep changing in my head, and I am not the one with the remote. How most of my awake hours are filled with channel snow, only to look out the window and have my real world filled with actual snow. My mind has been a haze the last few days, and the days have seemed to melt away, as the ice outside still piles up. I feel stressed over my job situation, over my life situation, over every possible situation. I fight with what thoughts I can focus on, but most of them I just let go. I let them fight their own battles, on another day, at some later time. Sleep seems to be the only time that I feel better, when I dont cough, and hack and try to keep from throwing up my McDonalds. I recieve no pity, and I get a bit bitter about that. But then my mind thinks that I deserve none in the first place, seeing as there are others out there much worse then me. I wonder about tomorrow, but realize that it will bring the same. I wish I could stay in tonight, but I realize that's not possible. It's just not possible.