#1
#2
#3
#4
Thursday, June 02, 2005
im in love....(again?)
who with now? you might ask. don't worry, not anyone i can actually date. just some cute female, who happens to be a famous international pop singer. like i said, not anyone I can actually date. I was looking at a variety website, I call them that because they put funny pics and funny signs and videos and all that caca on one website. and they had a link for some pics of shakira. now i've never been a huge shakira fan, i mean i liked a few of her songs (the ones in english i could understand) and all that. but I never really thought she was all that attractive, I mean she's pretty, and down right cute, but not a super model type, not a woman that blows your mind away (like Gisele Bundchen, rawwwr!!) But I always thought of her as cute, ok, she is beautiful. I guess with her you like her for her music and her dance, not so much her looks. Where as people like Jessica Simpson for her ditzyness and her looks and not her music, Shakira is the opposite. She has looks, but they aren't her only talent. So anyways, I clicked on this link and up came so pics of her that I had never seen before. I'm guessing they have to be pretty recent because the website is pretty up to date. So anyways, I saw these pics, and now I've fallen in love with Shakira. Yeah, I know, poor me. In the pics (below) you will notice that she actually really does have a cute face, nice teeth, cute little freckles, and a nice tan. But what stands out to me is her hair. That natural look of I just got off a airplane and my hair is all messed up and crazy and everywhere. For some reason I find big hair attractive. And I don't mean like the girls in a B-52's video, I mean like fluffy, frizzy big hair, almost Robert Smith like. For some reason, that is a weakness to me. It's like cryptonite to my mind, it's makes me a little more defenseless. I found this out years ago actually. There was a girl at work that had ok regular hair, it was long, but she kept it pulled back most of the time. Then one day, she came in and suddenly there was this lion like mane around her head. She said her hair was naturally a little curly, and when she didn't pull it back or straighten it, it did that. And my jaw just hit the floor. Just by her hair alone, she looked 100% more attractive. Her hair actually resembled Shakira's hair in the pic's below. Almost the same color, and almost exactly the same style. There was another girl at my work that had rather curly hair, and she kept it long also. And when she wore it "dry" which i mean without hair product in it, it frizzed up also. She would pull it back a little, and it would almost make a little fro. She too, well her hair, became very attractive. So for some reason, I like big hair. And like I said, when I say "big hair" I don't mean like a big bee hive, or a big mexican perm (yuck). It has to be that in between, the natural frizzyness. Is Shakira's hair naturally like that? I have no idea, but the girls that I worked with were. Is it because I'm from Texas? and us Texans love big hair on women? Is it because I'm a product of a upbringing in the 80's when big frizzy hair was in? I'm just not quite sure. Whatever it is though, I hope someday to end up with a woman with hair like Shakira's. Whenever, Wherever, as long as her hair's big and frizzy, I'm there.
#1
#2
#3
#4
#1
#2
#3
#4
Monday, May 30, 2005
meaningless random thing that i don't understand...
why the word "laundry" or "wash" is upside down on laundromat signs.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
will write for food...
well i just got in from my nightly routine. the gym. I haven't weighed myself in a few days, but last time i did i weighed in at 202 and a 1/2. So I'm almost under 200 (i might be by now for all i know) which is a good goal. the weight hasn't come off super fast, but then again i'm not complaining. I'm knocking it off the healthy way, with exercise and a actual good diet. about 25 pounds in a month? heck, I'll take it. let's just hope i can lose another 20 by july 2nd. which happens to be my bro's wedding. i want to do it for my self, but i think maybe 1% wants me to do it for "her." And what I mean by that is, she will be at the wedding. So I want her to see what she's missing out on. Call it childish, call it me being bitter, but hey, it's her loss afterall, might as well stick her nose in it. Am I wrong for that? Yes, but I don't care.
Well speaking of her, I have had some requests (well pretty much just from BH) to write the story of me and "her" (Sully). I have to say I have given it some thought, but I haven't yet started it. And I'm not sure I will, well not anytime soon. I have been itching to write, and by finally finishing the little saga of Gaby, I've been kind of without anything to work on. So the story of "her" is a bit tempting. But if you know me, I'm a bit lazy sometimes. I like to write, but I take my time doing it, so I wont't miss any details. I would have to say the whole thing with Gaby last from June 01 until the end in February 02. So roughly the whole story was a time period of 9 months. From start to finish. But the whole saga of "her" lasted from about the same time as I met Gaby (because they knew met not long after we all did) down to this very day. So that's like 4 years folks. If I turned 9 months into a 22 part story, can you imagine how long 4 years worth would be? That's a lot of writing. So will I attempt to tackle the story? Maybe. I thought it was near impossible for the Gaby story to be finished, and I did that. I guess as long as you guys out there are reading and enjoying, I'll keep writing. If not the story of "her" then I was going to work on adapting the Gaby story to a screenplay. Not that I think it would ever make a good movie, but just for the fact that I wanted to do it all along. I actually started writing the story down just as a way to get all the facts out, so I wouldn't forget. Like a novel, and then I was going to adapt a screen play of it. Either way I might start working on that. What do you guys think? Think that would make a decent movie? I'm sure you can embelish on certain things and change it up a bit. Maybe add some explosions? hehe. Actually when I was younger, I started writing a screenplay, but never finished it. I had a friend help out on it, but he moved and I haven't talked to him in years. So maybe I will dig that out of the boxes and attempt to finish that. I don't know if my writing is good enough for the movies, but considering fine works of writing like The Core and Gigli became movies, I figure I got a shot. Why not? Maybe I can earn some cash from it. So what do you guys think? Should I try a screen play? You guys have seen my writing, think I can do well?
Well speaking of her, I have had some requests (well pretty much just from BH) to write the story of me and "her" (Sully). I have to say I have given it some thought, but I haven't yet started it. And I'm not sure I will, well not anytime soon. I have been itching to write, and by finally finishing the little saga of Gaby, I've been kind of without anything to work on. So the story of "her" is a bit tempting. But if you know me, I'm a bit lazy sometimes. I like to write, but I take my time doing it, so I wont't miss any details. I would have to say the whole thing with Gaby last from June 01 until the end in February 02. So roughly the whole story was a time period of 9 months. From start to finish. But the whole saga of "her" lasted from about the same time as I met Gaby (because they knew met not long after we all did) down to this very day. So that's like 4 years folks. If I turned 9 months into a 22 part story, can you imagine how long 4 years worth would be? That's a lot of writing. So will I attempt to tackle the story? Maybe. I thought it was near impossible for the Gaby story to be finished, and I did that. I guess as long as you guys out there are reading and enjoying, I'll keep writing. If not the story of "her" then I was going to work on adapting the Gaby story to a screenplay. Not that I think it would ever make a good movie, but just for the fact that I wanted to do it all along. I actually started writing the story down just as a way to get all the facts out, so I wouldn't forget. Like a novel, and then I was going to adapt a screen play of it. Either way I might start working on that. What do you guys think? Think that would make a decent movie? I'm sure you can embelish on certain things and change it up a bit. Maybe add some explosions? hehe. Actually when I was younger, I started writing a screenplay, but never finished it. I had a friend help out on it, but he moved and I haven't talked to him in years. So maybe I will dig that out of the boxes and attempt to finish that. I don't know if my writing is good enough for the movies, but considering fine works of writing like The Core and Gigli became movies, I figure I got a shot. Why not? Maybe I can earn some cash from it. So what do you guys think? Should I try a screen play? You guys have seen my writing, think I can do well?
Friday, May 20, 2005
slowly but surely
well its about midnight and i just finished up at the gym, another good 30 minutes, and about 100 really good crunches. it seems to be my nightly routine. atleast I have some sort of routine.
well in the wake of my downriver trip, something else has been in the back of my mind. i was talking with matt the other day, and he asked me about "her." I told him that she still calls me every week or every other week, and we talk for a bit. it's weird though, cause obviously it's not the same. just yesterday she called. i was watching tv and my cell went off and I glanced at the number. Area Code 713, which I have come to know is for Houston, Texas. Where she is. So took a deep breath and answered it. When I answered, I knew what was coming next. The long "hiiiii! how are you?" that she always enthusiastically says when I answer. So as I said hello I waited for it. And it came. Her soft, feminine voice did not disappoint. Her voice came in clear. That voice I longed to hear for all those years, that voice I just couldn't get enough of, with it's accent I have got so accustomed to. Now it's met with mixed emotions. I don't want to say that I don't want to hear her, that I wish not to ever speak to her again. But I guess since it's "ended" that voice has sort of slipped into having a negative connotation. Like when eat something that makes you sick, anything that reminds you of that, those feelings of sickness and agony, just are associated with badness. And even though i don't necessarily want her to be, her voice now brings up bad memories, memories of wasted time and hurt. And I hate that. I hate to be bitter. I hate to think that it affects me that much. And I wonder if it affects her. I wonder if she feels bad. I can only assume that she does, because she apologized many times. But I wonder if she meant it. I wonder if she was really feeling remorse, or it was just the fact that she knew an apology was standard procedure. So as I we talked for a few minutes, she asked me what I was up to. I told her not much, just still looking for a job, and working out. She said that she was doing good too, working and the same old. Then as if fate knew the lameness of our conversation, the old lady that she worked far started to call her (she was at work at the time) and she said she had to go. Our conversation lasted about 4 minutes. And just as fast as she was there, connected to me and my life, she was gone. Later on that night I ended up chatting with Matt again and he told me something interesting. He said something to the effect, "I wish you two would just work it out already." That got me thinking. She had been calling me, I haven't called her once since that day that we decided to end it. Was she trying to get me back? How can you get something back, that you never really had? Not that she didn't have me, cause all she had to do was say she wanted a serious relationship and I would have jumped on board. But she never said that. And she still wasn't saying that. To me, she is just calling to stay on good terms. To stay "friends" like we said we would be. But can men and women truly be only friends? Is it possible, without one side starting to feel more? To me it seems impossible, because every "friend" that is a girl that I have, I have liked for "more" then a friend or they like me at some point and it didn't work out. And the thing is, I don't know if I want to be her friend. I'm not saying I hate her, because I don't. But in this case, it's just hard for me to want to give her time, my energy, because I already had so much in the past, and it got me nowhere. I guess in my head, if she wants to be friends with me, then she needs to do it. I have already proven my friendship. And I wonder if she is feeling lonely now, if it's getting to her. I know she can be independent, but at some point, she started to rely on me, to back her up and give her support. And now I have just let that go. Because to me, she didn't want it. She wanted all the perks, and extras of having me be her bf, but without the committment of a relationship. And I hate to think that, I hate to think of her as a selfish person who would try and take advantage of that. I look at myself, and say that I gave her those things, and never asked anything back, it was my fault. But then I have to remember, that she didn't have to take those. It's like someone giving you rewards for something you didn't do. Do you take them and never tell them otherwise? Or do you just tell them and stop it. Maybe I shouldn't have been so naive and given her so much, but then again, she didn't have to take them. Not for 3 years anyway. So I think about what Matt said. If we could even work it out. And I have to say I'm skeptical. Because once your broken up, you miss that person. You long for that person, you remember all the good times you had with that person. All the sweet things they did, and all the wonderful memories you have. And that is your heart taking over. It clouds out the mind, which reminds you of every stupid little thing that annoyed you about that person. About how you fought and fought over trivial things, and seemed to be stressed out constantly. The minds tells reminds you about the dysfunction of the relationship and how stubborn she was. How the heart longs for a romantic reunion of two loves that seem destined for each other. But I think that's dangerous. Because as soon as you get back together, the reality sits in. The bliss fades, and the same old problems you had before creep right back up. And you start to remember the reason why you called it quits in the first place. I think that if both have that love for each other, then maybe it would could be salvaged. I think nothing is stronger then that love for each other, that longing to be with each other. No amount of fighting can't be overcome with that mutual love. And that mutual love is exactly what me and her didn't have. It was not mutual. So if there is a point in the future that it could ever happen, the reunion and reattempt at the "us" I avidly pursued, it would have to be with that mutual love. And that's something she never had. She would have to prove to me, without a shadow of a doubt that she really truly did have that. And that's hard, because that's saying I would believe her. As the days pass, that love in me is fading. It's slowly going away. So to "just work it out" seems like an impossibility to me. I do not know what will happen in the future between us, but I'm going to be realistic. And reality tells me, no. Nothing is ever going to become of "us." I hate to be the pessimist, but on this one it seems to be optimistic, is to just be a damn fool.
and you know maybe im being selfish. maybe i am a bit bitter and I want to protect my feelings from further attacks. maybe I can't seem to go back to being "friends" after we have already crossed, and danced on the line of frienship and relationship. but either way it's all i can do. even though it does get to me sometimes, I cannot and will not let those feelings of longing for her win. i honestly don't know how it is affecting her. when she calls she seems a bit melancholy about the whole situation. but I don't know if that is a front to try to make me feel better. as if she is having a hard time with this, as if i meant so much that it hurts her. but you know what, i don't care. if it is hurting her, then let it hurt. if she feels alone, then let her get used to the loneliness. i hate that about me, i hate that wish those things on her, but i would be a liar if I said part of me doesn't think those things. i would be a liar if i was to say that I am not happy that i have taken away all my attention from her. does she deserve it? I don't know. other people say she does, but I don't care what they say. Is she a good person? Yes. Does she have issues? Yes. Do I love her the same as before? I don't know anymore. Even though part the part of me that wants to be a better person is battling the bitter side, the majority part just wants to forget and move on. I'm not interested in making peace with her, I'm not worried about making her feel the pain I did, I just want to let it go and move on. And that's the majority right now. To take her as a learning experience and apply to the future. That's what I want to do now. But when it comes to those feelings, I wish I could numb them. To dilute them so they loose their potency. I long to be callous. One song's lyrics come to my mind:
And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care
But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
as time passes I know it will fade more and more. positive things have already started to come out of the whole thing. And I apologize for the rantings about her, but this is therapy. this is part of "getting over" her. I'm moving on. Forward ahead. slowly but surely.
well in the wake of my downriver trip, something else has been in the back of my mind. i was talking with matt the other day, and he asked me about "her." I told him that she still calls me every week or every other week, and we talk for a bit. it's weird though, cause obviously it's not the same. just yesterday she called. i was watching tv and my cell went off and I glanced at the number. Area Code 713, which I have come to know is for Houston, Texas. Where she is. So took a deep breath and answered it. When I answered, I knew what was coming next. The long "hiiiii! how are you?" that she always enthusiastically says when I answer. So as I said hello I waited for it. And it came. Her soft, feminine voice did not disappoint. Her voice came in clear. That voice I longed to hear for all those years, that voice I just couldn't get enough of, with it's accent I have got so accustomed to. Now it's met with mixed emotions. I don't want to say that I don't want to hear her, that I wish not to ever speak to her again. But I guess since it's "ended" that voice has sort of slipped into having a negative connotation. Like when eat something that makes you sick, anything that reminds you of that, those feelings of sickness and agony, just are associated with badness. And even though i don't necessarily want her to be, her voice now brings up bad memories, memories of wasted time and hurt. And I hate that. I hate to be bitter. I hate to think that it affects me that much. And I wonder if it affects her. I wonder if she feels bad. I can only assume that she does, because she apologized many times. But I wonder if she meant it. I wonder if she was really feeling remorse, or it was just the fact that she knew an apology was standard procedure. So as I we talked for a few minutes, she asked me what I was up to. I told her not much, just still looking for a job, and working out. She said that she was doing good too, working and the same old. Then as if fate knew the lameness of our conversation, the old lady that she worked far started to call her (she was at work at the time) and she said she had to go. Our conversation lasted about 4 minutes. And just as fast as she was there, connected to me and my life, she was gone. Later on that night I ended up chatting with Matt again and he told me something interesting. He said something to the effect, "I wish you two would just work it out already." That got me thinking. She had been calling me, I haven't called her once since that day that we decided to end it. Was she trying to get me back? How can you get something back, that you never really had? Not that she didn't have me, cause all she had to do was say she wanted a serious relationship and I would have jumped on board. But she never said that. And she still wasn't saying that. To me, she is just calling to stay on good terms. To stay "friends" like we said we would be. But can men and women truly be only friends? Is it possible, without one side starting to feel more? To me it seems impossible, because every "friend" that is a girl that I have, I have liked for "more" then a friend or they like me at some point and it didn't work out. And the thing is, I don't know if I want to be her friend. I'm not saying I hate her, because I don't. But in this case, it's just hard for me to want to give her time, my energy, because I already had so much in the past, and it got me nowhere. I guess in my head, if she wants to be friends with me, then she needs to do it. I have already proven my friendship. And I wonder if she is feeling lonely now, if it's getting to her. I know she can be independent, but at some point, she started to rely on me, to back her up and give her support. And now I have just let that go. Because to me, she didn't want it. She wanted all the perks, and extras of having me be her bf, but without the committment of a relationship. And I hate to think that, I hate to think of her as a selfish person who would try and take advantage of that. I look at myself, and say that I gave her those things, and never asked anything back, it was my fault. But then I have to remember, that she didn't have to take those. It's like someone giving you rewards for something you didn't do. Do you take them and never tell them otherwise? Or do you just tell them and stop it. Maybe I shouldn't have been so naive and given her so much, but then again, she didn't have to take them. Not for 3 years anyway. So I think about what Matt said. If we could even work it out. And I have to say I'm skeptical. Because once your broken up, you miss that person. You long for that person, you remember all the good times you had with that person. All the sweet things they did, and all the wonderful memories you have. And that is your heart taking over. It clouds out the mind, which reminds you of every stupid little thing that annoyed you about that person. About how you fought and fought over trivial things, and seemed to be stressed out constantly. The minds tells reminds you about the dysfunction of the relationship and how stubborn she was. How the heart longs for a romantic reunion of two loves that seem destined for each other. But I think that's dangerous. Because as soon as you get back together, the reality sits in. The bliss fades, and the same old problems you had before creep right back up. And you start to remember the reason why you called it quits in the first place. I think that if both have that love for each other, then maybe it would could be salvaged. I think nothing is stronger then that love for each other, that longing to be with each other. No amount of fighting can't be overcome with that mutual love. And that mutual love is exactly what me and her didn't have. It was not mutual. So if there is a point in the future that it could ever happen, the reunion and reattempt at the "us" I avidly pursued, it would have to be with that mutual love. And that's something she never had. She would have to prove to me, without a shadow of a doubt that she really truly did have that. And that's hard, because that's saying I would believe her. As the days pass, that love in me is fading. It's slowly going away. So to "just work it out" seems like an impossibility to me. I do not know what will happen in the future between us, but I'm going to be realistic. And reality tells me, no. Nothing is ever going to become of "us." I hate to be the pessimist, but on this one it seems to be optimistic, is to just be a damn fool.
and you know maybe im being selfish. maybe i am a bit bitter and I want to protect my feelings from further attacks. maybe I can't seem to go back to being "friends" after we have already crossed, and danced on the line of frienship and relationship. but either way it's all i can do. even though it does get to me sometimes, I cannot and will not let those feelings of longing for her win. i honestly don't know how it is affecting her. when she calls she seems a bit melancholy about the whole situation. but I don't know if that is a front to try to make me feel better. as if she is having a hard time with this, as if i meant so much that it hurts her. but you know what, i don't care. if it is hurting her, then let it hurt. if she feels alone, then let her get used to the loneliness. i hate that about me, i hate that wish those things on her, but i would be a liar if I said part of me doesn't think those things. i would be a liar if i was to say that I am not happy that i have taken away all my attention from her. does she deserve it? I don't know. other people say she does, but I don't care what they say. Is she a good person? Yes. Does she have issues? Yes. Do I love her the same as before? I don't know anymore. Even though part the part of me that wants to be a better person is battling the bitter side, the majority part just wants to forget and move on. I'm not interested in making peace with her, I'm not worried about making her feel the pain I did, I just want to let it go and move on. And that's the majority right now. To take her as a learning experience and apply to the future. That's what I want to do now. But when it comes to those feelings, I wish I could numb them. To dilute them so they loose their potency. I long to be callous. One song's lyrics come to my mind:
And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care
But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
as time passes I know it will fade more and more. positive things have already started to come out of the whole thing. And I apologize for the rantings about her, but this is therapy. this is part of "getting over" her. I'm moving on. Forward ahead. slowly but surely.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
modern technology is great
thanks to matt, i downloaded this program that will let you view any place in the world using satellite imaging. so i decided to make a little visual aid to let all of you know how far my kayaking trip is going to actually be. It's going to take 5 days to complete. check it out (click on the pic to see the larger view):
Trip Summary
isn't that just awesome, for the past two nights, i've sat for hours playing on it. looking at the pyramids in egypt. the great wall of china, machu piccu in peru.it has good clarity and a great zoom and tilt feature to view the elevation of the land. it's just so awesome.
Trip Summary
isn't that just awesome, for the past two nights, i've sat for hours playing on it. looking at the pyramids in egypt. the great wall of china, machu piccu in peru.it has good clarity and a great zoom and tilt feature to view the elevation of the land. it's just so awesome.
Monday, May 16, 2005
incredibly silly joke (my aunt sent me), of the day.
Why did the Mexican cross the road?
Because the chicken
said,"pa.....caaaaaa!,pa....caaaa!"
hehe.
Because the chicken
said,"pa.....caaaaaa!,pa....caaaa!"
hehe.
monday again
well it's monday again, and that means another session with the trainer today. i had one yesterday, (which was difficult) and now that I'm a bit sore, i get to do it all over again today! But things are going good, the sessions are working and I have been dropping weight. Very close to being under 200 now, just a few more pounds.
Well I guess there biggest developement so far is just over two weeks away. I can't wait. I want it to get here already. It will begin on June 4th, and go until he the afternoon of the eigth. What is it you might ask? Well I'm going canoeing. Well actually I will have a kayak, so I will be going kayaking, and everyone else will have a canoe. My friend Matt and his dad and some other guys always go down the Llano River, so this year I will be joining them. I have been wanting to go for the last two years, but because I was working at the time, I wasn't able to go. But this year, I'm going to buckle down and go. It's going to be great. Spending almost 5 days on the river, fishing, relaxing, and camping wherever we decide to stop. Yup, no tents, no shelters, just us, our sleeping bags, and the open air. Just us guys, fishing and taking in the great outdoors. Going to let the old beard grow a bit, and not comb my hair (like i do anyway) at all. I'm really excited about it. So know that it's inching closer, I have much to do. Have to plan meals, and with my recent dieting, that will be a little difficult. I can't just get bags of chips and stuff like that to eat. So I have to think. I think I'm going to take some frozen chicken breasts in a cooler, and that way I can cook them over the fire at night. Then in the morning I will eat my regular cheerios and fruit. If in the afternoon I want a snack, I'll take extra fruit and some energy bars. Now the fun part is taking a shower. Guess how we will keep clean? Well there is a river! So Matt told me to bring some soap and just take a bath in the river. WITH SWIM TRUNKS ON. They ain't gonna catch me naked in the river. And I was thinking about using the bathroom. Going to have to do it the old school way, by digging a hole or something. Just gotta make sure to bring some tp with me, cause I ain't using no leaf or pine cone (ouch).
So as you see my trip will be interesting. I plan to take my camera and try to document each day and the things we do. So after I should have pics of everything. Well I do have my kayak on lay-away, so I know what that will look like. It is this one:
My Kakak
Well I hope eveyone is having a good monday! Don't work too hard.
Well I guess there biggest developement so far is just over two weeks away. I can't wait. I want it to get here already. It will begin on June 4th, and go until he the afternoon of the eigth. What is it you might ask? Well I'm going canoeing. Well actually I will have a kayak, so I will be going kayaking, and everyone else will have a canoe. My friend Matt and his dad and some other guys always go down the Llano River, so this year I will be joining them. I have been wanting to go for the last two years, but because I was working at the time, I wasn't able to go. But this year, I'm going to buckle down and go. It's going to be great. Spending almost 5 days on the river, fishing, relaxing, and camping wherever we decide to stop. Yup, no tents, no shelters, just us, our sleeping bags, and the open air. Just us guys, fishing and taking in the great outdoors. Going to let the old beard grow a bit, and not comb my hair (like i do anyway) at all. I'm really excited about it. So know that it's inching closer, I have much to do. Have to plan meals, and with my recent dieting, that will be a little difficult. I can't just get bags of chips and stuff like that to eat. So I have to think. I think I'm going to take some frozen chicken breasts in a cooler, and that way I can cook them over the fire at night. Then in the morning I will eat my regular cheerios and fruit. If in the afternoon I want a snack, I'll take extra fruit and some energy bars. Now the fun part is taking a shower. Guess how we will keep clean? Well there is a river! So Matt told me to bring some soap and just take a bath in the river. WITH SWIM TRUNKS ON. They ain't gonna catch me naked in the river. And I was thinking about using the bathroom. Going to have to do it the old school way, by digging a hole or something. Just gotta make sure to bring some tp with me, cause I ain't using no leaf or pine cone (ouch).
So as you see my trip will be interesting. I plan to take my camera and try to document each day and the things we do. So after I should have pics of everything. Well I do have my kayak on lay-away, so I know what that will look like. It is this one:
My Kakak
Well I hope eveyone is having a good monday! Don't work too hard.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
a silly one from the past...
so here we are at the end
not far from where we started
and although the many we did befriend
we ourselves have parted
the many that came
the many that left
they took our crown
and left us a frown
upside down, out of place,
forever lost, without a trace,
fallen down, cut on the knee,
stuck forever in a big tree,
test drove, but never bought,
thrown perfectly, but never caught,
hunched over, with enormous pain,
a highway with only one lane,
sought for, but never found,
a bolt of lightning sent to the ground,
a building, built completely of glass,
a raging storm, that soon will pass,
wind that can move a shopping cart,
a bullet sent straight to the heart,
the hero for the day, once again,
a lazy day spent in the den.
cuddling the one you love, next to the fire,
one these wings, i dare aspire,
alone, besides the company of my cat,
on my thrown is where i sat,
here once more, but not the same,
tired, tired of this ongoing game,
on faith and love it all does depend,
and this last line, is the end.
not far from where we started
and although the many we did befriend
we ourselves have parted
the many that came
the many that left
they took our crown
and left us a frown
upside down, out of place,
forever lost, without a trace,
fallen down, cut on the knee,
stuck forever in a big tree,
test drove, but never bought,
thrown perfectly, but never caught,
hunched over, with enormous pain,
a highway with only one lane,
sought for, but never found,
a bolt of lightning sent to the ground,
a building, built completely of glass,
a raging storm, that soon will pass,
wind that can move a shopping cart,
a bullet sent straight to the heart,
the hero for the day, once again,
a lazy day spent in the den.
cuddling the one you love, next to the fire,
one these wings, i dare aspire,
alone, besides the company of my cat,
on my thrown is where i sat,
here once more, but not the same,
tired, tired of this ongoing game,
on faith and love it all does depend,
and this last line, is the end.
Monday, May 09, 2005
a new start
so here i sit
another dying exterior
but i take pride, because inside
against my past, im now superior
that recent me is gone
but not gone without a trace
still a bit of him here
his work showing on my face
i looked my demons in the eye
and said goodbye
i confessed my sin
and recieved my discipline
and now that weight is gone
off the yoke it was taken
i gave it to him who bears the burden
the one who helped me awaken
so now i have that peace
that only he can give
clear conscience, a fresh start
dying on the outside,
but inside, dying to live.
another dying exterior
but i take pride, because inside
against my past, im now superior
that recent me is gone
but not gone without a trace
still a bit of him here
his work showing on my face
i looked my demons in the eye
and said goodbye
i confessed my sin
and recieved my discipline
and now that weight is gone
off the yoke it was taken
i gave it to him who bears the burden
the one who helped me awaken
so now i have that peace
that only he can give
clear conscience, a fresh start
dying on the outside,
but inside, dying to live.
Monday, May 02, 2005
more tests results
Your Life Path Number Is 11 |
11 Your life path is greatly associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close. On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person. |
I entered my birthdate, and it came up with 11! I told you, I'm haunted by 11!
Your Seduction Style: The Natural |
 You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast. |
Me?? Hmm...Interesting.
You Are 25 Years Old |
25 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Man that thing is right on the mark! I filled out all the questions, and it picked my exact age! Now no one can tell me to act my age. Because according to this I do!
Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male |
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
I'm balanced huh? That's cool.
Your #1 Match: INFP |
The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. |
Yeah, I guess that is me. Especially the last part.
Your Taste in Music: |
| 90's Alternative: Highest Influence |
| 80's Alternative: High Influence |
| 90's Rock: High Influence |
| Alternative Rock: High Influence |
| Adult Alternative: Medium Influence |
| Hair Bands: Low Influence |
| Old School Hip Hop: Low Influence |
| Ska: Low Influence |
Like duh. Just by selecting Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins alone puts me in the 90's alternative. Ahhh...how I miss that 90's alternative. I think I would have had punk on there too, but the punk bands that I like, weren't listed. Oh well.
monday, monday
isn't that a song or something?
well this weekend was pretty good, just relaxed a bit and got some computer work done. working on some desktop publishing. i should have been in the gym yesterday, but I figured since I had my session with the trainer on saturday, i'd give myself a break. today i had another session with him, and it ended up being the best session yet. lots of hard exercises, but I was actually able to do most of them. I would say I'm at about 80% able to do the exercises. they are still hard because I'm still heavier then I should be, but as the weight comes off, the easier they will be. but altogther they it was a good work out. I got my 20 minutes of cardio in also. I used the elipical (i have no idea how to spell that). I usually use the treadmill, but the trainer told me use that machine. it basically does the same thing, without all the impact of running. i was skeptical at first, but when i kept sweating, i started to believe him. that is going to be done 4 days a week, starting at 20 minutes and moving up gradually to 30 minutes a day. mixed in with some regular ab work (crunches, side crunches, bicycle crunches) it should fill in the gaps of days between sessions. i got my meal book too, and my supplements. suprisingly it isn't that bad. I realized I can eat pasta and bread and other foods, I just have to watch the portion size. it's all about portions folks, portions and regular exercise. so all in all, it's going good, 2 sessions down, and 16 to go. this month of may I'm going to be hitting it hard, ready to see some good results at the end of the month. we'll see. well hope everyone is having a good monday, adios!
well this weekend was pretty good, just relaxed a bit and got some computer work done. working on some desktop publishing. i should have been in the gym yesterday, but I figured since I had my session with the trainer on saturday, i'd give myself a break. today i had another session with him, and it ended up being the best session yet. lots of hard exercises, but I was actually able to do most of them. I would say I'm at about 80% able to do the exercises. they are still hard because I'm still heavier then I should be, but as the weight comes off, the easier they will be. but altogther they it was a good work out. I got my 20 minutes of cardio in also. I used the elipical (i have no idea how to spell that). I usually use the treadmill, but the trainer told me use that machine. it basically does the same thing, without all the impact of running. i was skeptical at first, but when i kept sweating, i started to believe him. that is going to be done 4 days a week, starting at 20 minutes and moving up gradually to 30 minutes a day. mixed in with some regular ab work (crunches, side crunches, bicycle crunches) it should fill in the gaps of days between sessions. i got my meal book too, and my supplements. suprisingly it isn't that bad. I realized I can eat pasta and bread and other foods, I just have to watch the portion size. it's all about portions folks, portions and regular exercise. so all in all, it's going good, 2 sessions down, and 16 to go. this month of may I'm going to be hitting it hard, ready to see some good results at the end of the month. we'll see. well hope everyone is having a good monday, adios!
Friday, April 29, 2005
it's working...
update: I weighed myself yesterday. 209. 14 lbs have been shed in the last 9 days. this diet is working. have to meet with the trainer tomorrow morning again, for another but kicking session. I'm ready this time, going to eat some oatmeal and apples before I go in.
I'm on my way folks.
I'm on my way folks.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
thanks Yahoo!
Yahoo!
Beautiful? Well, I would probably say I'm more of a "mysteriously handsome" but hey, I'll take beautiful. Thanks Yahoo! You little flirt you.
Beautiful? Well, I would probably say I'm more of a "mysteriously handsome" but hey, I'll take beautiful. Thanks Yahoo! You little flirt you.
how i speaka de engrisch
Your Linguistic Profile: |
75% General American English |
20% Yankee |
5% Dixie |
0% Midwestern |
0% Upper Midwestern |
Funny because people say I don't sound like I'm from Texas. A guy I used to work with told me once that I sound like a mix of Adam Sandler and a surfer dude. Whoa! No Way? Awesome Dude.
day one of hell
Carns darn it! Fiddle sticks and poopy crackers! Caca Pee-Pee Pedo!
I don't want to say the real cuss words, so those will have to do. But man, I'll tell you what that Personal Trainer kicked my butt today. I think the word "trainer" should be replaced with "person who makes you work harder and feel more pain than anyone else." Maybe "Personal Beater Upper?" Either way, it was good for me. He had me doing exercises I had never dreamed of, bending my body in ways I never dreamt it could bend. At one point we had to stop, because I felt extremely light headed. Me? Light headed? Yup. For one of the first time in my life, I felt like I might actually faint. No matter how buzzes I've had from cerveza, none of them compared to this. Beer is a good buzz, this, was a hot, tired, sweaty, feel like I'm going to throw up feeling. But hey, it was my fault. Our session was at 12 (high noon) and I didn't eat anything for breakfast. I shouldn't have gone in there on a empty stomach. A mistake I won't be making again. So now tonight, I'll have a grilled chicken salad and await Saturday, the day of my first official session (today was a freebie). So until then, I'll diet and do some cardio and work on the abs. I'm gonna do this, even if it kills me. Then atleast I'd be a thinner corpse.
I don't want to say the real cuss words, so those will have to do. But man, I'll tell you what that Personal Trainer kicked my butt today. I think the word "trainer" should be replaced with "person who makes you work harder and feel more pain than anyone else." Maybe "Personal Beater Upper?" Either way, it was good for me. He had me doing exercises I had never dreamed of, bending my body in ways I never dreamt it could bend. At one point we had to stop, because I felt extremely light headed. Me? Light headed? Yup. For one of the first time in my life, I felt like I might actually faint. No matter how buzzes I've had from cerveza, none of them compared to this. Beer is a good buzz, this, was a hot, tired, sweaty, feel like I'm going to throw up feeling. But hey, it was my fault. Our session was at 12 (high noon) and I didn't eat anything for breakfast. I shouldn't have gone in there on a empty stomach. A mistake I won't be making again. So now tonight, I'll have a grilled chicken salad and await Saturday, the day of my first official session (today was a freebie). So until then, I'll diet and do some cardio and work on the abs. I'm gonna do this, even if it kills me. Then atleast I'd be a thinner corpse.
Monday, April 25, 2005
results of my tests, this is me huh?
| |
| Personality in summary You are: messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic |
Friday, April 22, 2005
its here alright
well it's here. the soreness, the tightness, the pain. it's here. 48 hours later, right on schedule. got to press on. don't give up. this is only temporary. another week it will all be better. i've been here before, i've gotten through this before. got to hold on.
stupid exercise.
stupid exercise.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
when i was a kid
Being 25, I know I'm not very old. Very much still "wet behind the ears." But even though I haven't lived that long on this planet, I've witnessed a lot of change. The things I got to know as a kid, have changed dramtically. So I thought it would be cool to go back and visit just some of what the world used to be. When I was a kid. Here's some pics to help you remember. (Click on the pic to get a bigger version). Enjoy!
Ok when I was a kid, I liked to snack. Cookies, chips and everything else. Maybe it was because my mom wouldn't really let us, and she always would cook such great meals. Either way, I remember these. I would LOVE these, as I still do today. This is the only logo that I could find, but I swear there was another one, with the bag being orange. Pretty funny to remember though.
Yum Yum
Now growing up, we were always mostly outside playing on our bikes. But I remember on Thursday's at 6 pm, me and my brother were at one place. In front of the TV. Why? The show. My show. The show that topped all others. See when I was growing I didn't have much of a father figure. But that was ok. Because my hero was not a man. You see my hero, was a car.
My Hero
But when we weren't riding bikes, and watching Knight Rider, we were doing other more constructive things. Like playing Atari. Atari was the best, before Nintendo, before Sega, before any of them. I remember we had one, which was pretty odd now that I think of it, because we were pretty poor. But I remember using the round paddles for Pong, and playing so much the black cover of the joystick cracked and broke, revealing the white plastic below. I remember playing many games, but none more then this one. This game was hard back then, and if I played it now, I probably still wouldn't be able to beat it. I actually don't quite get the point of this game, I guess to run around and then somehow get your spaceship before the time runs out. And the name? Journey is for the band, Journey, and the escape is I guess what you tried to do. It's funny, because back then I didn't know, but the theme song to the game is actually the band's song "Don't Stop Believing" in a cheezy 80's Midi format. It was great though, I remember humming it for days.
My Favorite Atari Game
It was hard
Now on the rare occasion that my dad was actually acting like a good dad, he would take us to the movies. We would drive in his beat up brown Ford truck to The Galaxy. That was the coolest movie theatre of the day, and it wasn't really that far from where we lived. I remember there is where I found my favorite Arcade Game. Tucked in the back row of games, neglected because of newer games like "Bad Dudes" and "Road Blasters." But it called to me. In that unequivocal, that unmistakable voice, it called to me. What did it say you may ask, nothing else but "The Force will be with you, always." I remember pumping so many of my drunken father's quarters into this game, and never reaching Level 3. This too, was a very hard game. But I intend to beat it someday, when I own my very own arcade game of it, in my house somewhere in the future.
The Best Arcade Game Ever
Just Awesome
Even though growing up, I didn't have the regular definition of a "family" we still had our "family" moments. When my mom was tired of cooking, and we had money to eat out, we would go to a really fancy restaurant named this:
Our Family Restaurant
I loved eating there, not only for the mashed potatoes, but for my treat that I got after I finished. See this brings back memories of my mom. Like I said before, my mom wouldn't let us eat tons of cookies and candy. She was always cooking nice meals, with vegetables and other healthy things. So when we went out to eat, if I behaved, I remember she would let me have my treat. I remember biting into it, as the chocolate covering flaked off the marshmallow. I remember just sitting in the truck as we drove home, enjoying every second of it. It's a great memory of my mom, and helps me not to forget what a great mom she was.
My Treat
Well folks, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a nice time reading and learning a bit about me and my growing up. You know I remember talking to a friend once about the past. I remember laughing at what they said, "The past is a nice place to visit, but it's nowhere to live." And they were right. It's nice to look back and reflect and even learn. But really, the importance is on the future, not what we did, but what we are going to do. Now that I'm 25, I feel I'm starting over, and making a new future. I guess good Ol' Doc Brown was right all along. "It means that your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is, whatever you make it. So make it a good one."
Ok when I was a kid, I liked to snack. Cookies, chips and everything else. Maybe it was because my mom wouldn't really let us, and she always would cook such great meals. Either way, I remember these. I would LOVE these, as I still do today. This is the only logo that I could find, but I swear there was another one, with the bag being orange. Pretty funny to remember though.
Yum Yum
Now growing up, we were always mostly outside playing on our bikes. But I remember on Thursday's at 6 pm, me and my brother were at one place. In front of the TV. Why? The show. My show. The show that topped all others. See when I was growing I didn't have much of a father figure. But that was ok. Because my hero was not a man. You see my hero, was a car.
My Hero
But when we weren't riding bikes, and watching Knight Rider, we were doing other more constructive things. Like playing Atari. Atari was the best, before Nintendo, before Sega, before any of them. I remember we had one, which was pretty odd now that I think of it, because we were pretty poor. But I remember using the round paddles for Pong, and playing so much the black cover of the joystick cracked and broke, revealing the white plastic below. I remember playing many games, but none more then this one. This game was hard back then, and if I played it now, I probably still wouldn't be able to beat it. I actually don't quite get the point of this game, I guess to run around and then somehow get your spaceship before the time runs out. And the name? Journey is for the band, Journey, and the escape is I guess what you tried to do. It's funny, because back then I didn't know, but the theme song to the game is actually the band's song "Don't Stop Believing" in a cheezy 80's Midi format. It was great though, I remember humming it for days.
My Favorite Atari Game
It was hard
Now on the rare occasion that my dad was actually acting like a good dad, he would take us to the movies. We would drive in his beat up brown Ford truck to The Galaxy. That was the coolest movie theatre of the day, and it wasn't really that far from where we lived. I remember there is where I found my favorite Arcade Game. Tucked in the back row of games, neglected because of newer games like "Bad Dudes" and "Road Blasters." But it called to me. In that unequivocal, that unmistakable voice, it called to me. What did it say you may ask, nothing else but "The Force will be with you, always." I remember pumping so many of my drunken father's quarters into this game, and never reaching Level 3. This too, was a very hard game. But I intend to beat it someday, when I own my very own arcade game of it, in my house somewhere in the future.
The Best Arcade Game Ever
Just Awesome
Even though growing up, I didn't have the regular definition of a "family" we still had our "family" moments. When my mom was tired of cooking, and we had money to eat out, we would go to a really fancy restaurant named this:
Our Family Restaurant
I loved eating there, not only for the mashed potatoes, but for my treat that I got after I finished. See this brings back memories of my mom. Like I said before, my mom wouldn't let us eat tons of cookies and candy. She was always cooking nice meals, with vegetables and other healthy things. So when we went out to eat, if I behaved, I remember she would let me have my treat. I remember biting into it, as the chocolate covering flaked off the marshmallow. I remember just sitting in the truck as we drove home, enjoying every second of it. It's a great memory of my mom, and helps me not to forget what a great mom she was.
My Treat
Well folks, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a nice time reading and learning a bit about me and my growing up. You know I remember talking to a friend once about the past. I remember laughing at what they said, "The past is a nice place to visit, but it's nowhere to live." And they were right. It's nice to look back and reflect and even learn. But really, the importance is on the future, not what we did, but what we are going to do. Now that I'm 25, I feel I'm starting over, and making a new future. I guess good Ol' Doc Brown was right all along. "It means that your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is, whatever you make it. So make it a good one."
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
it be on-ith, like donkey kong-ith
today I made a big step forward. i joined or rejoined you could say, the gym. yup, that's right, you heard it directly from me. I am now a member of Gold's gym, formerly Fitness Connection, before they got bought out. Why you might ask? Well today for lunch, I drove up the street and got me some nice unhealthy Church's chicken. As I finished my meal I felt sick. And as I layed on the couch and watched afternoon tv, it hit me. I'm becoming a fat, lazy, slob. Exactly what I never wanted to be. Here I am, a newly 25 year old, single, with a decent car and my own place! I should be out and about, mingling and meeting new people. When I say people, I mean women of course. But as I sat there, my stomach churning from the chicken, I thought to myself, what girl is going to want this fat slob? Now I understand love is blind (on occasion) and real love is not based on external qualities. I know that. But I have to be realistic with myself. When I first meet a girl, I don't know her, so I don't know about her personality and her sense of humor and all those internal things. The first thing you see is the outside. That's what I think attracts you right off the bat. True, that's not always fair, because a lot of great funny girls aren't given the time of day because they don't have the looks. But then again, if a guy ONLY thinks about looks and doesn't go for the not so pretty girls, then really it benefits her. Better she doesn't deal with that kind of guy. Ok, back to my point. Well whatever my reason may be, to attract girls, to make myself healthier, I decided to get off my butt and go to the gym. I actually fought myself on this one too, first I called the gym to find out the specials. That way if they said they didn't have any, I wouldn't have to go in. But of course, they don't tell you the specials, that way you HAVE to go in. So I just decided to. I HAD WON THAT BATTLE. But being the lazy stubborn guy I am, I went there dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, that way there was NO POSSIBLE way I was going to actually work out while I was there the first time. See it's funny, because when you haven't been to the gym in a while, you forget how it is. You start to think that because you haven't gone, you have suddenly become the fattest person in the entire universe. You think that when you walk in there is going to be nothing but male and female supermodels there, and they are all going to laugh as you walk in. "Yah, youza need to pump some iron, you little girly squirelly man!" I don't know what it is, but that's the fear that you tend to get with gyms. But as I arrived, I soon realized that is completely not the case. As I was walking up to the front door, I could see the people running on the treadmills. And I didn't see one supermodel. If anything, these people were much more heavier and out of shape then me. Ofcourse there were people there that were in great shape, but the majority of the people there were not. So as I officially joined and signed on the X, I breathed a sigh of relief.
I went back home and decided to chill out for bit, and then actually go back for a workout. I waited until 9 PM and then made my way to the gym. As I walked in I noticed there was significantly less people there now. Cool, I don't have to wait for any machines. As in the past, I headed for the treadmills for some cardio and to loosen up. I realize I'm not where I once was, so I can't just start off running like I used to. So I did a fast walk on random elevations for 15 minutes. After the first one I decided that wasn't enough so I did another one. I think it came out to 2.15 miles. Not bad, considering most of my days are spent on the couch, the only steps being to the computer and the fridge for a coke. I did some of the machines, mostly focusing on the abs. Yeah, I gotta get this gut under control, it's got to be tamed. I didn't want a really hard work out, because I figure I would slowly build back up. Tomorrow I'm going to do the same, but probably hit some free weights and other machines. But abs, abs, abs, I have to focus on them. And with that, comes dieting. That's going to be hard. No more sodas. I know some say to drink Diet sodas, but not me, I rather not have any. So that's one thing. Next, no junk food. I actually don't eat much cake and sweets, well except for the Uh Ohs! so that shouldn't be too hard. And the worst thing I will have to cut out is cerveza. Like I said, I rather not drink any at all, then drink the Lite stuff. It's not that I like beer anyways, I can stand the taste, but I never crave it or actually enjoy a nice cold beer. All together I think it's going to be hard to say no, when everyone around me is going to be eating wings and drinking beer. That will be hard, but not impossible. I can do it, I know I can. I've done it before. I just have to get in that mindset that I was before, that nothing is going to make me cheat on my diet. I wish I actually had some sort of motivation like I did before with Gaby, but this time it's just for me. I'm my own motivation this time. So we will see if I can keep that. So now, I feel good. My arms feel a bit tight already, and my legs a bit sore. I know if I keep my workout going, I'm going to be in a world of hurt, but that's ok. I've lived through it before, and I can again. The soreness goes away, and the pain dulls. So tomorrow and for the next couple months it's on.
Official Day One Weigh In: 223 LBS
(I'll keep updating my progress periodically)
I went back home and decided to chill out for bit, and then actually go back for a workout. I waited until 9 PM and then made my way to the gym. As I walked in I noticed there was significantly less people there now. Cool, I don't have to wait for any machines. As in the past, I headed for the treadmills for some cardio and to loosen up. I realize I'm not where I once was, so I can't just start off running like I used to. So I did a fast walk on random elevations for 15 minutes. After the first one I decided that wasn't enough so I did another one. I think it came out to 2.15 miles. Not bad, considering most of my days are spent on the couch, the only steps being to the computer and the fridge for a coke. I did some of the machines, mostly focusing on the abs. Yeah, I gotta get this gut under control, it's got to be tamed. I didn't want a really hard work out, because I figure I would slowly build back up. Tomorrow I'm going to do the same, but probably hit some free weights and other machines. But abs, abs, abs, I have to focus on them. And with that, comes dieting. That's going to be hard. No more sodas. I know some say to drink Diet sodas, but not me, I rather not have any. So that's one thing. Next, no junk food. I actually don't eat much cake and sweets, well except for the Uh Ohs! so that shouldn't be too hard. And the worst thing I will have to cut out is cerveza. Like I said, I rather not drink any at all, then drink the Lite stuff. It's not that I like beer anyways, I can stand the taste, but I never crave it or actually enjoy a nice cold beer. All together I think it's going to be hard to say no, when everyone around me is going to be eating wings and drinking beer. That will be hard, but not impossible. I can do it, I know I can. I've done it before. I just have to get in that mindset that I was before, that nothing is going to make me cheat on my diet. I wish I actually had some sort of motivation like I did before with Gaby, but this time it's just for me. I'm my own motivation this time. So we will see if I can keep that. So now, I feel good. My arms feel a bit tight already, and my legs a bit sore. I know if I keep my workout going, I'm going to be in a world of hurt, but that's ok. I've lived through it before, and I can again. The soreness goes away, and the pain dulls. So tomorrow and for the next couple months it's on.
Official Day One Weigh In: 223 LBS
(I'll keep updating my progress periodically)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
something i just wrote
And as I sit here alone, I wonder how u are
and if your thinking of me
I wonder why we let our foolishness
lead us both that far?
the chance that we could have made it
grew slimmer by the day
the love that we lacked, had slowly cracked
crumbled, and was blown away.
But what made me upset, or maybe just what I don’t get
is that you still never seemed to try
even when I would gaze into your brown iris’s
we never saw eye to eye
because there are rules to this game, rules that have been proven true,
hate begets hate
love begets love
but this time, I guess I won’t be getting you.
and if your thinking of me
I wonder why we let our foolishness
lead us both that far?
the chance that we could have made it
grew slimmer by the day
the love that we lacked, had slowly cracked
crumbled, and was blown away.
But what made me upset, or maybe just what I don’t get
is that you still never seemed to try
even when I would gaze into your brown iris’s
we never saw eye to eye
because there are rules to this game, rules that have been proven true,
hate begets hate
love begets love
but this time, I guess I won’t be getting you.
Monday, April 18, 2005
getting over it
confusion reigns supreme once again
nothing as it seems
never know where I'm at
never know what anything means
so many emotions come to the fore
and I don't know, just like one
I don't know how to get it out of my mind
like once before
it's the only thing I find
the blood that boils in my veins
shouldn't even be a little warm
I shouldn't feel the way I do
I shouldn't feel I'm at harm
cause all I feel now is shame
it really hurts that bad
I don't know why I act this way
I don't know why I'm so sad
and I ask and beg to take it away
but I never shed any tears
for all those useless days
for all those wasted years
so many things I could have been
so far I could have gone,
then I'd be here, and maybe I'd be the one,
so I suck it up, and hope for a better day
I don't know where either of us will end up
but maybe we will run into each other
somewhere along the way.
I actually wrote this a few years back, and in light of current events it seems to apply. I have been thinking the last couple days, about everything that has happened and the way it all has finally ended. It's weird, because I always thought I would be a lot more down and out about it then I actually am. I thought I would be completely depressed and affected by it. But I guess in reality, I have always known. I have always had the doubt in my head, the reality that it wouldn't work no matter how hard I tried. From the beginning it seemed destined to fail. If you know me, you know I don't believe in things being destined, but this one did seem like it had no hope. And I guess that's why I am not fully destroyed by the fact that it didn't work out. Because I always knew it wasn't ever going to. And you know I remember contemplating never loving, never trying again. That if it didn't work out, then I was done with it all. But now, I don't see that happening. Why should I give up on love, because of a relationship that lacked it? Why should I deprive myself out of the oppurtunity to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally? In my mind now, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and be interested in another girl right away, but then again, I'm not going to deny myself the possibility. I did my part. I loved much more then the required amount, and I never once asked for anything in return. I can look back and be proud, yes I was a fool, and yes I should have been more wise. But I can't look back and say that I didn't try. I did. Eventhough it wasn't enough, I tried. So now, I go it alone once again. "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known." And now when being full of anger would be completely justifiable, I'm calm and collected. I wish her no harm, I just hope she finds what she wants. I wish her love in the future. I wish her the best. "Because on faith and love it all does depend. And this last line, is the end."
nothing as it seems
never know where I'm at
never know what anything means
so many emotions come to the fore
and I don't know, just like one
I don't know how to get it out of my mind
like once before
it's the only thing I find
the blood that boils in my veins
shouldn't even be a little warm
I shouldn't feel the way I do
I shouldn't feel I'm at harm
cause all I feel now is shame
it really hurts that bad
I don't know why I act this way
I don't know why I'm so sad
and I ask and beg to take it away
but I never shed any tears
for all those useless days
for all those wasted years
so many things I could have been
so far I could have gone,
then I'd be here, and maybe I'd be the one,
so I suck it up, and hope for a better day
I don't know where either of us will end up
but maybe we will run into each other
somewhere along the way.
I actually wrote this a few years back, and in light of current events it seems to apply. I have been thinking the last couple days, about everything that has happened and the way it all has finally ended. It's weird, because I always thought I would be a lot more down and out about it then I actually am. I thought I would be completely depressed and affected by it. But I guess in reality, I have always known. I have always had the doubt in my head, the reality that it wouldn't work no matter how hard I tried. From the beginning it seemed destined to fail. If you know me, you know I don't believe in things being destined, but this one did seem like it had no hope. And I guess that's why I am not fully destroyed by the fact that it didn't work out. Because I always knew it wasn't ever going to. And you know I remember contemplating never loving, never trying again. That if it didn't work out, then I was done with it all. But now, I don't see that happening. Why should I give up on love, because of a relationship that lacked it? Why should I deprive myself out of the oppurtunity to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally? In my mind now, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and be interested in another girl right away, but then again, I'm not going to deny myself the possibility. I did my part. I loved much more then the required amount, and I never once asked for anything in return. I can look back and be proud, yes I was a fool, and yes I should have been more wise. But I can't look back and say that I didn't try. I did. Eventhough it wasn't enough, I tried. So now, I go it alone once again. "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known." And now when being full of anger would be completely justifiable, I'm calm and collected. I wish her no harm, I just hope she finds what she wants. I wish her love in the future. I wish her the best. "Because on faith and love it all does depend. And this last line, is the end."
Saturday, April 16, 2005
one quarter of a century
Well as today is the day I turn 25, I thought I would make a list. A list of things that have happened to me. Things I’ve come to know. Things that I have accomplished. Things that have molded me into the person I am now. 25 things for 25 years. All the places I’ve been, people I’ve met, things I’ve done, and circumstances I’ve put up with, let’s hope I’ve learned something.
1. I’ve lost both parents in death. I put this as number 1, because nothing else has changed me more.
2. I’ve learned that I can love. And love deeply. Unconditionally. This I am proud of.
3. I’ve come to know that being single is not the End of The Universe. End of World maybe. But not the Universe.
4. I learned that no matter how hard I try to disagree, my conscience is always right.
5. I’ve come to know that however much I hate it and yet love it at the same time, San Antonio is, and always will be my home.
6. I know now, that I can eat a whole bag of Doritos and a 2 liter of Pepsi in one sitting.
7. I also know that if I run, work out and eat right, I do actually lose weight. Incredible.
8. I’ve never owned an American made automobile. But yet Japanese food doesn’t appeal to me.
9. I have finally acquired what I have always wanted. A Laptop.
10. I’ve begun to set goals ahead of me again. A trait I have been lacking in past years.
11. I have managed to have a relationship with 2 different girls from Mexico (at different times of course). I have also watched those relationships crumble apart, the first taking 3 months, the second taking 3 years.
12. I’ve managed to avoid baldness. For now.
13. I’ve finally acquired a dresser drawer. It’s take years, but I finally got one.
14. I’ve been to some of the most romantic places, at some of the most romantic times, without the person I wanted to be romantic with.
15. I’ve seen France. But couldn’t find the “place where the naked ladies dance.” “the whole in the wall where the men see it all” couldn’t be located either.
16. I’ve seen London. Well as it would go then, I guess I have seen London and I’ve seen France. But yet I still haven’t seen any underpants. Or have I?
17. I’ve learned that writing is my true therapy. No matter how awful I feel, nothing heals the soul better then ranting in a notebook.
18. I’ve learned that time goes on. No matter how hard something is, time helps. It makes pain fade, it dulls suffering. It doesn’t make it disappear, but it helps numb it.
19. I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try, things still will not work out the way you want them to. Life is cruel. Unfair and unforgiving.
20. I’ve also learned, life being that way, requires action. It requires you doing something about your situation. Hard work that is accomplished, even though sometimes unrewarded, is still counted as accomplished.
21. I enjoy the company of others very much, but yet find myself mostly alone.
22. I have learned that I still do not know what the term “broasted” means.
23. I have learned that I love Mexico. The land, the people, the food, the culture. I can see why my dad loved my mom.
24. I have stamps in my passport.
25. I have decided to never stop learning, laughing, and loving. I accept defeat humbly, but I refuse to expect it.
1. I’ve lost both parents in death. I put this as number 1, because nothing else has changed me more.
2. I’ve learned that I can love. And love deeply. Unconditionally. This I am proud of.
3. I’ve come to know that being single is not the End of The Universe. End of World maybe. But not the Universe.
4. I learned that no matter how hard I try to disagree, my conscience is always right.
5. I’ve come to know that however much I hate it and yet love it at the same time, San Antonio is, and always will be my home.
6. I know now, that I can eat a whole bag of Doritos and a 2 liter of Pepsi in one sitting.
7. I also know that if I run, work out and eat right, I do actually lose weight. Incredible.
8. I’ve never owned an American made automobile. But yet Japanese food doesn’t appeal to me.
9. I have finally acquired what I have always wanted. A Laptop.
10. I’ve begun to set goals ahead of me again. A trait I have been lacking in past years.
11. I have managed to have a relationship with 2 different girls from Mexico (at different times of course). I have also watched those relationships crumble apart, the first taking 3 months, the second taking 3 years.
12. I’ve managed to avoid baldness. For now.
13. I’ve finally acquired a dresser drawer. It’s take years, but I finally got one.
14. I’ve been to some of the most romantic places, at some of the most romantic times, without the person I wanted to be romantic with.
15. I’ve seen France. But couldn’t find the “place where the naked ladies dance.” “the whole in the wall where the men see it all” couldn’t be located either.
16. I’ve seen London. Well as it would go then, I guess I have seen London and I’ve seen France. But yet I still haven’t seen any underpants. Or have I?
17. I’ve learned that writing is my true therapy. No matter how awful I feel, nothing heals the soul better then ranting in a notebook.
18. I’ve learned that time goes on. No matter how hard something is, time helps. It makes pain fade, it dulls suffering. It doesn’t make it disappear, but it helps numb it.
19. I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try, things still will not work out the way you want them to. Life is cruel. Unfair and unforgiving.
20. I’ve also learned, life being that way, requires action. It requires you doing something about your situation. Hard work that is accomplished, even though sometimes unrewarded, is still counted as accomplished.
21. I enjoy the company of others very much, but yet find myself mostly alone.
22. I have learned that I still do not know what the term “broasted” means.
23. I have learned that I love Mexico. The land, the people, the food, the culture. I can see why my dad loved my mom.
24. I have stamps in my passport.
25. I have decided to never stop learning, laughing, and loving. I accept defeat humbly, but I refuse to expect it.
Friday, April 15, 2005
what irks me...
you know not too many things get to me. but I heard something the other day that just rubbed me the wrong way. I think it is incredibly retarded for a girl to say the following to a guy, specifically a younger guy, and more specifically me:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only i was a few years younger, or you were a few years older, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Now I don't know about any other guys, but I myself have been told this. And this I have to say is just insulting. See, I break down the statement as this:
You can't turn back time. Even if you try, you will never be able to do it. People have tried,(Uncle Rico) and have failed. You can't jump back and get younger, and you can't jump ahead and get older. It's impossible, it's insurmountable, it's futile to try. So knowing that fact lets go back to the prior statement and reword it with what we know.
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could somehow do the impossible, completely turn back the hands of time, a feat no one besides God himself can do, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Gee Thanks.
And I think to myself, why? Why would a women say such a thing? And I have come to the conclusion, that they say this, because it is a safe thing to say. They say it, because they know it can't happen. It won't happen. There is no possible way in the universe I could ever be suddenly as old as you, or you as young as me. See there would be unsafe ways of saying things. Such as:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could find the time, if I wasn't so busy, or you could be more available, I'd date you."
See that one is unsafe. Because a woman could find the time. She could rearrange her schedule and find time to spend with a guy. On the other end, a guy could make himself more available for a relationship.
Another unsafe one, not that anyone would say this, but still:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only you made more money and drove a nice car, I'd date you."
Once again, a guy can get a second job and get more money, he can sell off some things and finance a sports car. Once again, then the girl isn't safe.
So why? Why would a women use this line? Why would she say something like this, knowing there really isn't any real chance of it ever happening? The reason? It's to be nice. It's to let the guy down easy, without crushing his ego and self esteem. And to that I say caca pee pee. That's stupid. I would feel insulted that a girl felt that she had to "spare" me from a rejection. If you don't like me, just tell me. Don't give me stupid caca reasons like that. I already know there is no chance in dating you anyway, so why the games? Why the ruse? I just don't get it.
Women, such strange, yet fascinating creatures. my learning of them will never end.
"You know your such a nice guy, if only i was a few years younger, or you were a few years older, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Now I don't know about any other guys, but I myself have been told this. And this I have to say is just insulting. See, I break down the statement as this:
You can't turn back time. Even if you try, you will never be able to do it. People have tried,(Uncle Rico) and have failed. You can't jump back and get younger, and you can't jump ahead and get older. It's impossible, it's insurmountable, it's futile to try. So knowing that fact lets go back to the prior statement and reword it with what we know.
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could somehow do the impossible, completely turn back the hands of time, a feat no one besides God himself can do, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Gee Thanks.
And I think to myself, why? Why would a women say such a thing? And I have come to the conclusion, that they say this, because it is a safe thing to say. They say it, because they know it can't happen. It won't happen. There is no possible way in the universe I could ever be suddenly as old as you, or you as young as me. See there would be unsafe ways of saying things. Such as:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could find the time, if I wasn't so busy, or you could be more available, I'd date you."
See that one is unsafe. Because a woman could find the time. She could rearrange her schedule and find time to spend with a guy. On the other end, a guy could make himself more available for a relationship.
Another unsafe one, not that anyone would say this, but still:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only you made more money and drove a nice car, I'd date you."
Once again, a guy can get a second job and get more money, he can sell off some things and finance a sports car. Once again, then the girl isn't safe.
So why? Why would a women use this line? Why would she say something like this, knowing there really isn't any real chance of it ever happening? The reason? It's to be nice. It's to let the guy down easy, without crushing his ego and self esteem. And to that I say caca pee pee. That's stupid. I would feel insulted that a girl felt that she had to "spare" me from a rejection. If you don't like me, just tell me. Don't give me stupid caca reasons like that. I already know there is no chance in dating you anyway, so why the games? Why the ruse? I just don't get it.
Women, such strange, yet fascinating creatures. my learning of them will never end.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
worthless, yet interesting fact of the day
this was proven today: i bowl a better game, with a higher score, when listening to the beach boys.
"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong"
Top Score: 167! Thank You Brian Wilson! You Rawk!
"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong"
Top Score: 167! Thank You Brian Wilson! You Rawk!
life at 2 am
funny how life never quits. no matter what your schedule is, someone is up, someone is awake also. my brother works till 1 am these days, and because he doesn't have his car finished yet (it's having it's engine rebuilt) I get to pick him up. we were running low on the essentials (soda, chips, peanut butter, bread and toilet paper) so I decided to hit up wal-mart after i dropped him off at the apartment. i grabbed a cart and did my shopping. weird how they put the cookies in the complete rear aisle? I would have thought they put them near the soda or chips, just to keep all the junk food together. I wanted me some cookies. I like chocolate, but not too much. So I didn't get any of those fudge cookies or stuff like that. see there is one cookie that surpasses them all. this cookies is a gift from above, and i swear when the israelites were in the wilderness and asked for food, God sent down these cookies. not mana, but Uh-Oh! Oreo Cookies. have any of you eaten these things? They are like the best! I like regular Oreo's and everything, but these, being backwards with vanilla cookie and a chocoloate middle, they are just beyond any other cookie. believe me folks, they rule. they kick all the other cookie's butts. they smack the other cookie's around and steal their lunch money. if you haven't tried them, then go out and buy you some, they are worth every penny.
Golden Gifts from God
well as i wheeled my cart over to the cashier, another cashier opened the registar next to her, and kindly called me over. I put all my groceries on the conveyor belt and she started to ring them up. "Your still up at this hour? I can see your hungry" she said with a smile on her face. I laughed, and explained to her how I was my brother's taxi these days. She smiled back and kept scanning my items. As I payed and she handed me my groceries, she smiled again and said "have a good morning, be careful out there." Wow, thanks. She seemed to show more concern for me then some friends I've known for years do! How funny. It was nice. I didn't feel like she was trying to be flirty, but just courteous. I appreciated that. Thanks Anastacia (yeah I looked at her name tag.)
So then I get home, unload all the groceries and walk over to the computer. I notice some one had instant messaged me, but I didn't recognize the name. A girl name Rachel? I don't know any girl named Rachel? She had typed "It's You!" and then typed a hyperlink of what looked like a site that hosts photos, or online photo albums. I don't know? I tried to write back, but she was already offline. So now I will just wait to see if she gets online and find out who she is. Weird huh?
So now as I sit here and type, and my brother watches CSI, as he does every night, I will finish typing one of the parts from my story. Then soon after I will head off to bed, and sleep in till 11 or so. As my life passes me by, soon turning 25, I sit and type. funny how you think so much in the wee hours of the morning. well it's about that time. goodnight.
Golden Gifts from God
well as i wheeled my cart over to the cashier, another cashier opened the registar next to her, and kindly called me over. I put all my groceries on the conveyor belt and she started to ring them up. "Your still up at this hour? I can see your hungry" she said with a smile on her face. I laughed, and explained to her how I was my brother's taxi these days. She smiled back and kept scanning my items. As I payed and she handed me my groceries, she smiled again and said "have a good morning, be careful out there." Wow, thanks. She seemed to show more concern for me then some friends I've known for years do! How funny. It was nice. I didn't feel like she was trying to be flirty, but just courteous. I appreciated that. Thanks Anastacia (yeah I looked at her name tag.)
So then I get home, unload all the groceries and walk over to the computer. I notice some one had instant messaged me, but I didn't recognize the name. A girl name Rachel? I don't know any girl named Rachel? She had typed "It's You!" and then typed a hyperlink of what looked like a site that hosts photos, or online photo albums. I don't know? I tried to write back, but she was already offline. So now I will just wait to see if she gets online and find out who she is. Weird huh?
So now as I sit here and type, and my brother watches CSI, as he does every night, I will finish typing one of the parts from my story. Then soon after I will head off to bed, and sleep in till 11 or so. As my life passes me by, soon turning 25, I sit and type. funny how you think so much in the wee hours of the morning. well it's about that time. goodnight.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
the great divide
i've been dreading the day i would post this poem I wrote. but much to my dismay this day has finally come. It's hard to imagine. I don't know what to do. she means so much, it's hard to know where I go from here. I don't know. how tough i thought i was? she got to me. she really did.
The Irony Never Ends
the distance that separates us now
was never what seperated us at all
the distance our hearts now have made
cannot be crossed by a email or a phone call.
is what we have lost?
in that divide that we created ourselves?
is what once was there
now put somewhere neither of us can reach?
all that land and time
now seems to be so much more
you seem so distant
farther then ever before
"here we are
saying goodbye"
one last time
forever never being you and I
the storms will roll down your way
after they rain down on me
maybe they will help you remember
what we could never seem to be
our divide proved too large
too large for either of us to cross
another love has fallen victim
in the divide it's forever lost.
The Irony Never Ends
the distance that separates us now
was never what seperated us at all
the distance our hearts now have made
cannot be crossed by a email or a phone call.
is what we have lost?
in that divide that we created ourselves?
is what once was there
now put somewhere neither of us can reach?
all that land and time
now seems to be so much more
you seem so distant
farther then ever before
"here we are
saying goodbye"
one last time
forever never being you and I
the storms will roll down your way
after they rain down on me
maybe they will help you remember
what we could never seem to be
our divide proved too large
too large for either of us to cross
another love has fallen victim
in the divide it's forever lost.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Good Ol' Friday
Right On
If only I was as cool as he was. Well today has begun already, and it seems like I'm already trying to catch up. I have somethings to do today, clean the apartment, throw away some trash, and go fill out a application for a position at Chase Bank. I guess it's that time to start looking for a job a bit more seriously. I wish I could completely remain irresponsible and do nothing all day, but I guess to some that isn't "acceptable". Not that I really care what people say, but still, I have to admit even I have been kind of getting bored with this. So I guess it's off to the wonderful world of employment again.
I was thinking about doing something tonight, maybe dinner with friends or something trendy. I've been replaying a scene in my head for the last couple days about a girl I met once or twice. We meet by chance at a grocery store and recognize each other. I ask her how she has been doing, and we chat for bit. Then I just flat out ask her to dinner one night, and she accepts. Simple as that. Sometimes I wonder about her, wonder if she ever got married and found the right guy. Last time I talked to her she was still looking, and the time after that, eventhough I just saw her and didn't talk to her, she still looked single. No ring on her finger. Makes me curious, makes me want to somehow arrange a coincidental meeting. Hmmm. I don't know if that's right though, sounds like I'm scheming up something, and she doesn't even have a clue. "She's gonna get it, and she doesn't even know it. And I'm gonna give it to her." I sound like a jerk. Oh well, whatever. We'll see what happens. Well hope everyone is having a good Friday.
If only I was as cool as he was. Well today has begun already, and it seems like I'm already trying to catch up. I have somethings to do today, clean the apartment, throw away some trash, and go fill out a application for a position at Chase Bank. I guess it's that time to start looking for a job a bit more seriously. I wish I could completely remain irresponsible and do nothing all day, but I guess to some that isn't "acceptable". Not that I really care what people say, but still, I have to admit even I have been kind of getting bored with this. So I guess it's off to the wonderful world of employment again.
I was thinking about doing something tonight, maybe dinner with friends or something trendy. I've been replaying a scene in my head for the last couple days about a girl I met once or twice. We meet by chance at a grocery store and recognize each other. I ask her how she has been doing, and we chat for bit. Then I just flat out ask her to dinner one night, and she accepts. Simple as that. Sometimes I wonder about her, wonder if she ever got married and found the right guy. Last time I talked to her she was still looking, and the time after that, eventhough I just saw her and didn't talk to her, she still looked single. No ring on her finger. Makes me curious, makes me want to somehow arrange a coincidental meeting. Hmmm. I don't know if that's right though, sounds like I'm scheming up something, and she doesn't even have a clue. "She's gonna get it, and she doesn't even know it. And I'm gonna give it to her." I sound like a jerk. Oh well, whatever. We'll see what happens. Well hope everyone is having a good Friday.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
wednesdays are no fun
well today started out pretty busy, and now it has slowed down to the usual pace of nothing, slow and bored. Much to my despair, the other day my car went on the fritz again, something with one of the stearing joints. but with the car in the shop today and keys to my sister's BMW, all seems well. it's pretty funny actually the looks i get while driving her car. so many people stare, as if to wonder how a young guy like me could be driving such a nice car. i feel like screaming out the window,
IT'S NOT MINE OK! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB, MUCH LESS A BMW! YES, I GUESS YOU WOULD BE RIGHT TO ASSUME I AM WHAT THEY CALL A "LOSER" BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU AREN'T DRIVING A BMW NOW ARE YOU?
Hehe. Sorry I just recieved some news that has me a bit angered now. i won't go into it. anyways like I said, for tonight and tomorrow I get to drive the little german car. horray for me.
i've just decided that tonight i'm going to the driving range. i need to wack the poop out of some golf balls.
stupid relationship bs. it's not worth any of it.
IT'S NOT MINE OK! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB, MUCH LESS A BMW! YES, I GUESS YOU WOULD BE RIGHT TO ASSUME I AM WHAT THEY CALL A "LOSER" BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU AREN'T DRIVING A BMW NOW ARE YOU?
Hehe. Sorry I just recieved some news that has me a bit angered now. i won't go into it. anyways like I said, for tonight and tomorrow I get to drive the little german car. horray for me.
i've just decided that tonight i'm going to the driving range. i need to wack the poop out of some golf balls.
stupid relationship bs. it's not worth any of it.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Top Shelf Thoughts of Love
tonight we went to a sneak preview of the movie "fever pitch" with jimmy fallon and drew barrymore. I enjoyed it, it was funny and all, but I can't help but say their on screen chemistry isn't quite...well...good. I mean they get along and everything, but it seemed a bit forced. I much prefer Adam Sandler with Drew Barrymore. I don't know why, but ever since "The Wedding Singer" they have just been perfect together. "50 First Dates" was the icing on the cake. That was such a great movie, stupid yes, but very very good. Better then I ever imagined. Maybe Adam Sandler reminds me of me, and Drew Barrymore? Hmmm...I only think of one girl when I think of her. My friend Allison Henslee. Well now Allison Glenn. She's been married for years now, and lives somewhere in Colorado. I know she wasn't my first GF, but she certainly was my first love. I didn't know girls could be like she was, and she truly stands out in my mind. I heard she might possibly be single again, single not at your own fault, I'm not completely sure, and I hope she is happy, but I've heard rumors. I hope they are not true, because I honestly hope she is truly happy. My brother teases me about her, saying that I would marry her in a instant if she became single again. He said he knows I have had a thing for her from the very beginning (I'm talking like 11 years old). And well, I can't say I wouldn't. I don't know, but just maybe I would. I can't honestly say no. Not to her.
Now eventhough this was a "romantic comedy" about a couple, and most people that were in the theatre were "couples" it usually doesn't bother me. But tonight it did just a bit. I don't know why either, because even though I hang out with married couples, I'm usually completely ok with it. After the movie we went to a place called Cha Cho's which is pretty much known for the strongest, tastiest Margaritas in all of San Antonio. These things, are super strong. They don't mess around with Rum, they just drown it Tequila. I had a Jumbo Top Shelf one (the biggest strongest they have) and we sat there and talked like we usually do. The place was packed full of people, most coming from the Spur's game (haha you suck Lakers). But as I was sitting there drinking my Margarita and letting the tequila enter my blood stream I noticed a specific mexican girl. She had a pink shirt on, not the hot pink, but the nice pale pink. She wasn't very dark, but not very light skinned either, but an nice in between color. The pink actually made her look even prettier there, as she sipped her margarita from across the way. I would take a sip and sneak a look in her direction, she was talking to her friends, the music was loud, so I'm sure she never even noticed my looks. Not that she would acknowledge them anyways. She wasn't the prettiest girl there, she wasn't the pretties girl I have ever seen, but something about her, maybe how her hair lie on her face, how she didn't have tons of makeup on, but just enough to accent her pink shirt. Something about her, I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the Margarita. Either way I sat there and sent looks in her direction every minute or two. She was with friends, and a guy was sitting across from her. I don't know if this was her boyfriend, husband, brother, cousin, whatever, I don't know. But I didn't care either. She was there for the looking, but not the taking. I did nothing. I didn't go talk to her, I didn't smile if she looked at me, I didn't do a damn thing. Just look and admire. But as I looked I imagined me and her together, spending time with each other, laughing and spending our entire lives together. In a instant I had seen our wedding and our anniversary parties. We had two children and lived in a nice home. I thought of how life would be with her, as if she was mine, and I was hers. I didn't even know her name. I couldn't even hear her voice. She got up with her friend and made her way to get another margarita, as she walked right by me I just did that, watched her walk by. Later I went to get another drink, but she wasn't in line still, and as I walked back to my seat I noticed she was already back at her table, talking with her friends, and that guy. I took a long deep breath, and then we decided to leave. As I drove home, I felt a bit empty. Eventhough I enjoy being single and having my space, I have to admit, there are times that I really wish I had someone. Someone to talk too, someone to share my thoughts, someone that cares for me, the same way I care for them. I don't have that person. As I drove home, and I was turning on my street, I heard the radio playing a song I remembered. "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. The beginning guitar solo fit my thoughts so well. I thought in the moment, and I couldn't deny the thought. I wish I had somebody. A female to love, to like, to share a beer with, to have a margarita and dinner with. To just got to Ihop at 2 or 3 AM and talk about life with. I do not have that person in my life. I have "her" but it is so uncertain, and besides that she is in Houston and not here. I feel lonely sometimes, I know it's weird to hear me say that, but I do. I, Robbie, do get lonely. As much as I can handle myself and being independent and on my own, I do get lonely. I do long for companionship. As I got out of the car, it hit me. I had no one like this, and it was because of me. This things, these relationship aren't just given to you, you have to go and get it, and once you do, you have to cultivate it and nourish it. And I have not been doing that. So as I walked in my apartment, and no one was there to greet me or hug me or give me a welcoming kiss, I knew it was just me. Just me. And as I type this, I know it's just me. I can handle it now, I can deal with now. Every once in a while like tonight it gets to me, but tomorrow I will brush it off and feel ten times better. I'll be back to independent me, the single me. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe not. I do enjoy being single, but I do enjoy company of someone who cares for me the same as I care for them. I would love for someone to love me back the way I'm willing to love them. But for now, I will just type in this blog, my words will be here tomorrow for me to look at and laugh. For now I will survive, I always have, and I will. The night was long, and the margaritas were strong.
Now eventhough this was a "romantic comedy" about a couple, and most people that were in the theatre were "couples" it usually doesn't bother me. But tonight it did just a bit. I don't know why either, because even though I hang out with married couples, I'm usually completely ok with it. After the movie we went to a place called Cha Cho's which is pretty much known for the strongest, tastiest Margaritas in all of San Antonio. These things, are super strong. They don't mess around with Rum, they just drown it Tequila. I had a Jumbo Top Shelf one (the biggest strongest they have) and we sat there and talked like we usually do. The place was packed full of people, most coming from the Spur's game (haha you suck Lakers). But as I was sitting there drinking my Margarita and letting the tequila enter my blood stream I noticed a specific mexican girl. She had a pink shirt on, not the hot pink, but the nice pale pink. She wasn't very dark, but not very light skinned either, but an nice in between color. The pink actually made her look even prettier there, as she sipped her margarita from across the way. I would take a sip and sneak a look in her direction, she was talking to her friends, the music was loud, so I'm sure she never even noticed my looks. Not that she would acknowledge them anyways. She wasn't the prettiest girl there, she wasn't the pretties girl I have ever seen, but something about her, maybe how her hair lie on her face, how she didn't have tons of makeup on, but just enough to accent her pink shirt. Something about her, I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the Margarita. Either way I sat there and sent looks in her direction every minute or two. She was with friends, and a guy was sitting across from her. I don't know if this was her boyfriend, husband, brother, cousin, whatever, I don't know. But I didn't care either. She was there for the looking, but not the taking. I did nothing. I didn't go talk to her, I didn't smile if she looked at me, I didn't do a damn thing. Just look and admire. But as I looked I imagined me and her together, spending time with each other, laughing and spending our entire lives together. In a instant I had seen our wedding and our anniversary parties. We had two children and lived in a nice home. I thought of how life would be with her, as if she was mine, and I was hers. I didn't even know her name. I couldn't even hear her voice. She got up with her friend and made her way to get another margarita, as she walked right by me I just did that, watched her walk by. Later I went to get another drink, but she wasn't in line still, and as I walked back to my seat I noticed she was already back at her table, talking with her friends, and that guy. I took a long deep breath, and then we decided to leave. As I drove home, I felt a bit empty. Eventhough I enjoy being single and having my space, I have to admit, there are times that I really wish I had someone. Someone to talk too, someone to share my thoughts, someone that cares for me, the same way I care for them. I don't have that person. As I drove home, and I was turning on my street, I heard the radio playing a song I remembered. "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. The beginning guitar solo fit my thoughts so well. I thought in the moment, and I couldn't deny the thought. I wish I had somebody. A female to love, to like, to share a beer with, to have a margarita and dinner with. To just got to Ihop at 2 or 3 AM and talk about life with. I do not have that person in my life. I have "her" but it is so uncertain, and besides that she is in Houston and not here. I feel lonely sometimes, I know it's weird to hear me say that, but I do. I, Robbie, do get lonely. As much as I can handle myself and being independent and on my own, I do get lonely. I do long for companionship. As I got out of the car, it hit me. I had no one like this, and it was because of me. This things, these relationship aren't just given to you, you have to go and get it, and once you do, you have to cultivate it and nourish it. And I have not been doing that. So as I walked in my apartment, and no one was there to greet me or hug me or give me a welcoming kiss, I knew it was just me. Just me. And as I type this, I know it's just me. I can handle it now, I can deal with now. Every once in a while like tonight it gets to me, but tomorrow I will brush it off and feel ten times better. I'll be back to independent me, the single me. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe not. I do enjoy being single, but I do enjoy company of someone who cares for me the same as I care for them. I would love for someone to love me back the way I'm willing to love them. But for now, I will just type in this blog, my words will be here tomorrow for me to look at and laugh. For now I will survive, I always have, and I will. The night was long, and the margaritas were strong.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Spring In Texas
Well it's spring time again here in Texas, and the wildflowers are out in full bloom. Here's some pictures I took on the way back from Houston earlier this week. The flowers were just all over the place! All along the highway, it was just littered with flowers. Pretty cool, Texas is just so freaking awesome.
The Panoramic is a bit messed up, my camera freaked out a bit.
Side of the Road
Here's some close ups of the bluebonnets. They are quite beautiful. Sounds weird coming a guy I know, but hey I can't deny they are nice. Especially when the highway is covered with them.
Bluebonnets
Bluebonnet 2
Bluebonnet 3
Enjoy!
The Panoramic is a bit messed up, my camera freaked out a bit.
Side of the Road
Here's some close ups of the bluebonnets. They are quite beautiful. Sounds weird coming a guy I know, but hey I can't deny they are nice. Especially when the highway is covered with them.
Bluebonnets
Bluebonnet 2
Bluebonnet 3
Enjoy!
Friday, April 01, 2005
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Alcoholism, Superman, and Me
Tonight I went over to a friends house and we cooked some chicken out on the grill. Now being in Texas, there is only one drink of choice for eating food cooked out on the grill, Beer. Eventhough there hundreds of beers to choose from, usually the most common selection is Bud Light. I don't like Bud Light, so for me I drink regular Budweiser. But that's not the point of the story. See because I am unemployed and actually my friend is too, we don't care about drinking on a Thursday night. It's not like we have to wake up in the morning for work. So here we are, me and him kicking back a few cold ones while we ate the yummy grilled chicken. It's still Thursday and I have to drive home, so I only have 3 cervezas. 3 might be many for some, but it's not for me. I feel fine, not even the slightest hint of a buzz. So I call "her." By no means is this a drunken call either. But we talked for a bit and she says she has to go and she will call me back. Which I know she won't. Not because she is inconsiderate, not because she doesn't want too, but because she forgets. So I tell her, "no you won't." She gets a tad offended by this, because I'm pretty much telling her something that I know she won't do, eventhough she said she would. I don't know if I made her mad, I don't know if she thinks I'm drunk, I don't anything at this point. So I start back peddling. I apologize for saying that, but I tell it's true. That she has a bad habit of not calling me back, when she swears she is going to. I guess that just irks me. Don't say something, and not mean it. Don't say you will do something, and not do it. Don't say something, and not even try. Not that she doesn't try, not that she doesn't want to, but too often it seems that way. On top of that her cousins are playing on the phone, hitting the buttons while I'm trying to talk to her. At this point, I say ok, call me back if you want too. No you know what, not if you want too, just do it. We said goodbye, and that was that. And I hate that. I hate when conversations end, and I don't get to say what I really wanted to say. I hate when I don't get to leave on a positive note, because somehow I think that leaving on that type of note is somehow detrimental to our relationship. I think it puts us back two steps, instead of forward. Well either way I didn't feel good when I hung up the phone. And the first thought in my mind was what? To call her back and apologize and try to work it out? Maybe I was a bit buzzing and didn't quite carry the conversation the way I wanted too? I was sticking to fact that she's not good about calling me back, but could I have been a bit more tactful? All this should have came to mind as the first thing, but it didn't. The first thing that came into my mind was: whatever, I'm just going to have another beer. This shocked me for a bit. Why? Because this sounded all too familiar to me. This was not a attitude I normally had. This was not me at all. This was my dad. For those who don't know, when my dad was alive he was a raging alcoholic. For as long as I can remember as a child, he had been one. I remember him building our sandbox when I was maybe 4, out in the hot sun, with a can of Coors Light there next to him. Even though my sister knew him a little different light, for the most part my brother and I only knew him as an alcoholic. His name was Ronald Kent Bell. All the Bell boys having the same RKB initials. But to his buddies, and to our family, he was no more then just Ronnie. Ronnie the drunk. He drank his problems away, and in the process, he lost his family and his self respect. When he couldn't handle the pressure, when he couldn't handle the stress, he found his relief in a bottle and can. That's how he defeated his problems, by defeating himself. So you can imagine my surprise when that thought entered my head. I had this problem before me, and the first thing I thought of was to drink it away. To cover it, to saturate it with as much alcohol that I could find, so that it wouldn't be threatning anymore. But that is Ronnie, and I am not him. Growing up though I guess everyone was nervous about my brother and I. They say because our father was a alcoholic, that we too have a bigger chance of being one. But I for myself, don't believe in that. I understand that the past affects you, I understand that the memories you have from back then can and usually do help form the feelings and behavior you have as an adult. But I don't believe that because my dad was a alcoholic that I will be one too. Was Michael Jordan's dad a basketball player? If he was, was he even half as good as his son? Was Albert Einstein's father a genius? I understand that fathers do have influence on their son's, but there is a limit. Somewhere along the line it comes to a point where the son decides on his own. I hated that about people, how they would say that about me. To me it was like they were already deciding for me, that they were the ones who were sealing my fate. To me, that's not how I work. I decide for me, not some past bad memories of my father. And as I have grown older, I understand my dad more. I understand why he made the choices he did. It was because he couldn't handle it anymore, his addiction was too strong for him, and to him it was easier to just let it all go. He got so deep in his affliction, that the best thing for him to do was to just give in. I personally, don't agree with it, I don't condone it, but what I do, is understand it. I understand his mentality, his desperation. And I refuse that. I refuse to accept that defeat like he did, I refuse to just give up. No matter how down and out I can be, or I have been, I refuse to just give up. I don't know completely why either, it kind of stumps me. So tonight, when I thought that thought, it surprised me, it made me think that maybe he affected me more then I thought. But that's the beauty of the whole situation. No matter what thought came to my mind first, I'm able to make the decision myself. So I decided that was enough beer for tonight. I made the decision to not let myself become like he did, to not travel the same road as he already traveled. If anything, my dad did me a great service. He was by no means the best dad, he wasn't even a good one, but he left me more then I could have ever asked for. He left me his example. How is that a positive you might ask? Just think about it. My dad left me the perfect example of what not to do. He left me a blue print of how alcohol can ruin your life and the lives or those who love you. How many dad's leave their kids that? No amount of money, no heirlooms left behind can ever be more valuable then that. Through my upbringing he has shown me how to yell at your own kids, scream in drunken states, how to through objects in drunken rages, and how to almost kill your own wife. To me, it's valuable. The knowledge that too much of something can lead to all those things, is priceless. The knowledge is priceless. I don't have to discover it myself because I already know the outcome is not worth it.
I guess all in all, to sum it all up I think to the movies. When I was a kid I loved Superman. I remember watching Superman 3, and there is a part in that movie that really hits home. Superman, weighed down by depression, by pressure starts drinking and gets "super" (hehe) drunk. He shuns the people trying to help him, telling them to get away from him and leave him alone. Even his costume is dirty, the "S" faded, his face unshaven and his perfect hair all unkept.
Bad Superman in Bar
Bad Superman In Junk Yard
How this reminds me of Ronnie so much. So in his drunken state, filled with anger, he flies over to a junkyard, and because of laced kryptonite somehow seperates himself from his alter ego. So now there are two of him. One is the Drunk Superman, and one is regular Clark Kent. Superman continues to give Clark Kent a massive but whooping, and shoves him in a metal shredder machine. And as he hears Clark's screams he smiles to himself. But just as he walking away, Clark comes bursting out of the compactor and starts to choke the Evil Superman. As he chokes him, the evil superman disappears, only leaving Clark there. At this point as a kid I was confused, he just killed himself? I would wonder. But then it all came to the forefront. Clark, with his clean looks, back to his old self, rips open his shirt revealing the true "S". The clean, the real Superman symbol.
Good Superman Prevails
He had overcome his worst enemy, that being himself. To me I will always remember that, because it reminds me of the situation of my dad. I can give up, be the evil person I am statistically inclined to be. Or I can choke out that person, make my own decision to not be. Maybe it sounds silly, but to me it made sense back then, and it still does today. I'm fighting the odds, I'm fighting others opinions, I'm fighting myself. And win or lose, I refuse to give up that fight.
I guess all in all, to sum it all up I think to the movies. When I was a kid I loved Superman. I remember watching Superman 3, and there is a part in that movie that really hits home. Superman, weighed down by depression, by pressure starts drinking and gets "super" (hehe) drunk. He shuns the people trying to help him, telling them to get away from him and leave him alone. Even his costume is dirty, the "S" faded, his face unshaven and his perfect hair all unkept.
Bad Superman in Bar
Bad Superman In Junk Yard
How this reminds me of Ronnie so much. So in his drunken state, filled with anger, he flies over to a junkyard, and because of laced kryptonite somehow seperates himself from his alter ego. So now there are two of him. One is the Drunk Superman, and one is regular Clark Kent. Superman continues to give Clark Kent a massive but whooping, and shoves him in a metal shredder machine. And as he hears Clark's screams he smiles to himself. But just as he walking away, Clark comes bursting out of the compactor and starts to choke the Evil Superman. As he chokes him, the evil superman disappears, only leaving Clark there. At this point as a kid I was confused, he just killed himself? I would wonder. But then it all came to the forefront. Clark, with his clean looks, back to his old self, rips open his shirt revealing the true "S". The clean, the real Superman symbol.
Good Superman Prevails
He had overcome his worst enemy, that being himself. To me I will always remember that, because it reminds me of the situation of my dad. I can give up, be the evil person I am statistically inclined to be. Or I can choke out that person, make my own decision to not be. Maybe it sounds silly, but to me it made sense back then, and it still does today. I'm fighting the odds, I'm fighting others opinions, I'm fighting myself. And win or lose, I refuse to give up that fight.
how it really is...
Which of the bold faced lies will we use?
"I hope that you're happy, you really deserve it"
"this will be the best for us both in the end."
But your taste still lingers on my lips
like I just placed them upon yours
and I starve, I starve for you.
But this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses.
And it's crude, but it will do.
Which of the standard lines will we use?
"I've been meaning to call you, I've just been so busy."
"We'll catch up soon."
"Let's make it a point to."
But your taste still lingers on my lips
like I just placed them upon yours
and I starve, I starve for you.
But this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses.
And it's crude, but it will do.
It will do. I hope it will do...
-Chris Carraba
"I hope that you're happy, you really deserve it"
"this will be the best for us both in the end."
But your taste still lingers on my lips
like I just placed them upon yours
and I starve, I starve for you.
But this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses.
And it's crude, but it will do.
Which of the standard lines will we use?
"I've been meaning to call you, I've just been so busy."
"We'll catch up soon."
"Let's make it a point to."
But your taste still lingers on my lips
like I just placed them upon yours
and I starve, I starve for you.
But this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses.
And it's crude, but it will do.
It will do. I hope it will do...
-Chris Carraba
deep in blogger lull
Now that the blog is back up, and the posts have convened back to this arena, you'd think I would have tons to share. All the things I've done in my little absence from Blogger, they should amount to the sky. but alas, they don't. Actually since getting back from Iowa, I haven't done much. Been half-heartedly searching for a job, not really interested in any of them. I don't know whats happened, it seems like i'm in a lull, a rut, a quandary. Days melt together, and things don't seem to matter much. I wake up at 11 or 12 each day, and don't go to sleep until usually after 2 am each night. I actually long to be busy, yet when I have something to do, I end up giving up cause it's too much activity. I seem to be like Pedro these days. Answering people's questions with one word replies, speaking in a monotone, colorless, tastless voice. I catch myself sitting with a blank stare on my face, seemingly in deep thought, but really thinking about nothing. It's spring and I should be at the gym, working on myself for the summer, but as of yet I haven't. Maybe the winter is harder to leave then I thought it was. Maybe my mind is still back in Iowa, in the grey weather and endless hours of nothing. I need to wake up. the matrix must have me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Welcome Back
Ok, so I have been absent for a bit, not too long, but I figure it was long enough. See what I forgot is what I really started this for in the first place. I started this to just vent, to share my thoughts. Whether it be with others, or just myself, the fact that I was getting them out was the point. This is almost therapy in a way. So with that, I'm going to start regularly posting on here again. I hope whoever reads this is happy. Cause I am.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom’s not a burden
Anyone should bear.
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I wouldn’t want you
Any other way.
Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.
Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.
I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we’ll be
Well upon our way.
Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.
But, it’s not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.
Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it’s something you’ll get used to.
Relax. slip away.
There's something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?
How can this mean anything to me?
If I really don’t feel anything at all?
I’ll keep digging.
'til I feel something.
Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. turn around and take my hand.
MJK
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom’s not a burden
Anyone should bear.
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I wouldn’t want you
Any other way.
Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.
Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.
I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we’ll be
Well upon our way.
Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.
But, it’s not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.
Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it’s something you’ll get used to.
Relax. slip away.
There's something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?
How can this mean anything to me?
If I really don’t feel anything at all?
I’ll keep digging.
'til I feel something.
Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. turn around and take my hand.
MJK
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Goodbye
Well being here in Iowa for the last two weeks, I have had time to relax, and have had some time to think. And I have decided to take a hiatus from the blogger world. I have some things on my mind, and things I need to take care of in my life that I have neglected. You could say I have to tie some ends that have been loose for quite some time. Bandage up some old wounds so to speak.
I don't know when I'm going to be posting on here again, but who know's? Maybe something great will happen and I will have too. Could happen. As for all you who have been keeping up with my little ongoing story of me and Gaby, I have moved that also. I decided it needed it's own place, the past needs to be seperate from the present. The address being:
http://robbieisworking.blogspot.com/
I will continue to post on that blog, until the story is finished. Which should be somewhat soon. But like I said, once the story is finished, so am I.
So with that my friends, family, loved ones, I bid you farewell from here. Hope this last post finds everyone well and healthy. Take Care of Yourselves and the ones you love, wherever on this small planet you may be.
I don't know when I'm going to be posting on here again, but who know's? Maybe something great will happen and I will have too. Could happen. As for all you who have been keeping up with my little ongoing story of me and Gaby, I have moved that also. I decided it needed it's own place, the past needs to be seperate from the present. The address being:
http://robbieisworking.blogspot.com/
I will continue to post on that blog, until the story is finished. Which should be somewhat soon. But like I said, once the story is finished, so am I.
So with that my friends, family, loved ones, I bid you farewell from here. Hope this last post finds everyone well and healthy. Take Care of Yourselves and the ones you love, wherever on this small planet you may be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)