Wedding Pics

Here Finally!! Here are some pics (although not many of me) from the wedding. I hopefully will get some more, so I can keep you heathens happy!!

Bride and Groom Eating their Cake

 


Sully, Leti (the bride) and Sully's Sister Gaby

 


Same Girls with my brother Kevin (the Groom)

 


My Sister dancing with Kids, and Me (back turned) dancing with Gaby SEE I DO DANCE!!

 


Sierra, My Cousin Ariel, Me, My Aunt Sonia being a nerd

 


Joel, Karah, Me, Matt (in red) and my cousin's husband Eric

 


Tommy (my bro in law), my sis Lisa, Leti, Kevin, and Me

 


All us again

 


All Us #3

 


More on the way!

New Day, New Week, New Start....

Well it's done. My brother's wedding went off without a hitch. It actually was a very elegant yet simple wedding. I would say no more then 100 people attended the reception, which was very, very nice. It was at The Dominion afterall. Dinner was actually very good, a chicken dish with veggies, bread, water or wine. Plus they had a cash bar, so if you wanted some bubbly or a cold cerveza you could. The music (which myself and matt were responsible for) went great, and everyone seemed to enjoy the selection. Everyone danced for hours, yes, including myself. Actually being the only "single" male there I actually quite the selection of dance partners. I tried to level out the playing field though, dancing with each female once. It was pretty funny though, all the guys were married! The closest single guy isn't even going to be single for much longer. His marriage being scheduled for September. So besides him, I was the only unmarried man there. And speaking of myself, I was feeling good myself. I had my new black suit on, my new shirt and tie and shoes on with it. Well basically everything I had on was new besides my watch and undershirt. Suprisingly I was having a good hair day and it styled the right way the first time I tried. So with styled hair, new clothes and a good amount of cologne (had to smell good) I had a good time. Most of the time I was running around making sure everyone was having a good time, but I found some time to dance and act a fool.

And as some of you might be curious to know, "she" was there. Well her and her sister Gaby. They actually got there late and missed dinner, because they had to drive from Houston. They actually both looked very nice (Gaby a little better actually) and I got to dance with each one. I would have to admit the dance with Gaby was a better, us laughing and talking the entire way through. The dance with Sully was ok, we talked a bit, but of course it was not the same as before. I guess the days of me and her being so close are finally gone. And good riddance. I would have to say that when I was dancing with her I felt 0% emotion when I was dancing with her. No old memories kicked in, no feelings for her came back, nothing. She was just a girl I knew, a memory. And that was great. I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't uncomfortable that she was there, if anything I was happy she was. When I asked her to dance she seemed a bit suprised as if I wasn't going to ask her. But of course, what kind of guy would I be to not dance with her? If I can't put the past behind me and let it all go, then how can I move on with the future? She didn't actually speak to me much, just a bit here and there. And that's perfectly fine with me. The friendship is in her hands now. I used to try and try, and now that I'm not trying, the true motives and the effort that she really shows is visible. So if we don't talk, it's not because of me being a butthead. It's funny how it all works out isn't it? And it really has.

So now as my brother is married, I am truly the last one. The last single man in the family. I wish I had a dollar for everytime I heard "your next!" that night. And am I next? Maybe. But it will be a while still. So as my apartment is quiet, and there is just me, I look for brighter days ahead. I hope my brother and his new wife are happy, they deserve to be. And as for me, life continues as usual.

P.S. Pictures are coming soon.

Ok I'm Tagged, I'm tagged!

10 years ago... I was 15. I had met my first gilfriend Alison Krajca and proceeded to get my first kiss under a bridge downtown San Antonio. Not too long after I proceeded to receive my second first kiss. Which was imported from France.

5 years ago... I was in Europe in the beginning of the year. Not to long after that my dad passed away. Not too suprising, considering he was a smoker, a drinker and just about everything else. It was closure though. An end I knew would be coming.

1 year ago... I was still working at the Help Desk, desperately awaiting my approaching vacation that August. I also started Blogger last year. If you want you can go back and read. You'll notice I had 0 comments for the longest time. Now I actually have people who read this, all thanks to Veronica.

Yesterday... I went downtown to the riverwalk with my family. They are all in town because of my brother's wedding.

Today... I just cleaned my apartment and came over to the my sister's house to help set up for the family dinner tonight. I also had to help pull the leaves off roses for the table flower arrangements.

Tomorrow... will be my brother's wedding. Have my suit and tie and shoes ready. Not nervous. Will see "her" for the first time since April. Not nervous about that either.

5 snacks I enjoy... Oreo "Uh-Oh"s Cookies, Wheat Thins Chips, Zebra Cakes, Mexican Doritos, Cheetos.

5 songs I know all the words to... Song #15, Sad Songs and Waltzes, Alpha-Beta Parking Lot, Everlong, Obscurred.

5 reality television shows I watch... watched American Idol once, The Real World, Road Rules, Real World VS Road Rules, The Contender.

5 television shows I watch daily... (or as much as possible) American Chopper, Smallville (occasionally) Great American Bike Build Off. I don't watch much TV honestly.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000... But a house here, Buy a house in Vallarta, a new car, give money to my family, travel.

5 locations I would love to run away to... Vallarta, Cannon Beach, London, Mexico City, Scotland.

5 things I like doing... writing, blogging, playing b-ball, driving, traveling.

5 things I would never wear... a thong, speedo, my collar "popped", socks with sandals, a wedding ring (hehe).

5 recently seen movies I like... Batman Begins, Hellboy, Napoleon Dynamite, War of the Worlds, Three Amigos.

5 famous people I'd like to meet... Willie Nelson, Salma Hayek, Michael Jordan, John McCrea, Jesus.

5 biggest joys of the moment... weight loss, family, clear conscience, new suit, unemployment.

5 people to tag...Steph, Apryl, Mike, Jen, Vero.

Nice Guys Finish First...

Well if you haven't heard yet, the Spurs won the NBA Finals lastnight. So once again, they bring the NBA Championship to San Antonio. And if you know anything about San Antonio, you'll know that is a huge thing for this town. The only thing that could probably top it would be if the Pope came into town again. So lastnight as I drove home from the gym, people were already driving around honking and hanging out their car windows yelling. As I got home and turned on the news, they were live from downtown, showing all the crowds gathering on Commerce Street. Now if aren't from Texas, or more specifically San Antonio, you wont know that there are three main things natives of San Antonio love. I say natives of San Antonio, because Dallas, Austin and Houston are opposites then San Antonio. See the three biggest things in San Antonio are the following:

1. Family and Religion
2. Having a good time (which usually includes Bar-b-que, mexican food and beer)
3. The Spurs

These are the three things that San Antonio is all about.

1. The majority of the city is Hispanic or Mexican (whatever) which means most of them are Catholic. And because San Antonio isnt a huge city, (under 2 million) its still very much about family and values. Of course compared to small towns its a bit crazy, but then compared to Austin and Houston, it's a family oriented town.

2. Second, people here love to have a good time. If you know anything about Mexicans and or people of Mexican descent, you know we love to have a good time. Heck we dedicate a whole week in April just to have a week long city wide Fiesta. Our Mari Gras for example. And being in that state of mind, everyone here is for the most part very laid back. They like to relax, chill, have a beer and chill. San Antonio, is a very laid back city. There are the fast paced people, but for the majority, everyone here is laid back. I guess that's where I get my calm, laid back demeanor. If people from New York are rushing and busy, then people from here are laid back and easy going. I'm a product of my surroundings, this I know for sure.

3. And lastly the Spurs. See, here in San Antonio, they are all we got. We have no NFL team, the closest and the biggest being the Dallas Cowboys. We have no NHL team, and only a minor league hockey team. We have no major league baseball team, once again only a a minor league team. So really besides them, the Spurs are the only professional sports team we have. And because that's all we got, we love them that much more. The Spurs are just like the city, family oriented, a hometown team that cares more about their fans then makeing the big bucks. That's how it's been, and that's how it will stay. To me it's no wonder why players that have been labeled as "nice guys" often end up playing for San Antonio. David Robinson for instance. Nice, Classy guy. Tim Duncan, the shy nice guy, who likes to chill. I guess the only bad part about it is, that most of the time the nice guys finish last. But of course not this year. I guess it's such a big deal to the city when the Spurs win, because all year we hear that we won't. No matter how good we are, we are not as flashy and celebrity star studded as the Lakers, we are not the Bad Boys of the NBA like that Pistons, we are just the nice guys. The nice guys who kick everybody's butt. The last few years have been great, because the Spurs have proven that the nice guys can win. That by having a work ethic, and sticking to it, it can pay off. And that to me has been a great represantation of the city of San Antonio. Even though we like to have a good time, and yes sometimes be lazy, when we work, we work a lot. I can see where the media and the sports commentators don't find that interesting, considering we don't give any scandals (kobe bryant ring a bell) to be reported on. I guess to them the Spurs are boring. But hey, I rather be boring and win then be overly dramatic and lose.

So tomorrow as the city celebrates with the riverwalk parade, and as we watch the spurs float by on the barges I'll be happy. It's a huge win for the Spurs, and a bigger win for us nice guys.

Important News Break...

War in Iraq? Starving kids in Africa?

Nope. Just Giant Paletas.

Giant Popsicle Melts, Floods New York Park

NEW YORK - An attempt to erect the world's largest Popsicle in a city square ended with a scene straight out of a disaster film — but much stickier.

The 25-foot-tall, 17 1/2-ton treat of frozen Snapple juice melted faster than expected Tuesday, flooding Union Square in downtown Manhattan with kiwi-strawberry-flavored fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground.

Firefighters closed off several streets and used hoses to wash away the sugary goo.

Snapple had been trying to promote a new line of frozen treats by setting a record for the world's largest Popsicle, but called off the stunt before it was pulled fully upright by a construction crane. Authorities said they were worried the thing would collapse in the 80-degree, first-day-of-summer heat.

"What was unsettling was that the fluid just kept coming," Stuart Claxton of the Guinness Book of World Records told the Daily News. "It was quite a lot of fluid. On a hot day like this, you have to move fast."

Snapple official Lauren Radcliffe said the company was unlikely to make a second attempt to break the record, set by a 21-foot pop in Holland in 1997.

The giant pop was supposed to have been able to withstand the heat for some time, and organizers weren't sure why it didn't. It had been made in Edison, N.J., and hauled to New York by freezer truck in the morning.

You should have seen the size of the paleta cart 

gotta fill up the whole cup...

this day started out like no other day. i had interviewed with a grocery company here in town about a night position and i guess everything went good because today as i went in for the 3rd interview, it turned out it wasn't a interview at all. they just needed me to sign off for them to run a back ground check and a drug test. so i sign off for a background check, and she hands me the slip to take the the testing company. "oh and you have to do it within 24 hours" she says, so in other words, do it now. so i drive slightly across town (to the medical center)and my brother drops me off. he has to go get his work clothes from his gf's house. ok, no problem. i just go do the test, and he will pick me back up on the way back. no problem. easy. so i sign in and sit while they fill out the paper work and all that medical stuff. this is a medical building, and i hate medical buildings. too many bad memories of hospitals and medical buildings. the cold, sterile feel of it, just yuck. so anyways, i am told i have to take everything out of my pockets, and then the nurse hands me the cup to fill. "try to fill up the whole cup" she says. i smile and nodd and proceed to make my way into the bathroom. so as i unzip, ready to do my best cup filling, nothing happens. nope, nothing. i sat there for a few minutes, trying to will myself, using every jedi mind trick i could think of to fill this cup, but it was no use. no use, because no juice. so as i buckled up and walked out i had to tell the lady that i just didn't have to go. i asked her if she had any water, and she smiled and went around the corner and brought back a bottle water. So as I stood in the lobby drinking my water I finished off the first bottle. But no tingle, no pressure from the nether region. So downed another bottled water. Still nothing. At about 4 1/2 bottled waters, finally something down there woke up. So as I made my way back in there, my stomach hurting from the onslaught of water it had just endured, the nurse still smiling at me, I once again closed the bathroom door and attempted it. The minutes went by with nothing still. Dry as a bone. It was quiet, much like I imagine death valley is. I waited and waited, until finally, I waited no more. As if the floodgates of heaven had been opened, much as how I imagine the water flowed after Moses struck the crag, the mighty river Robbie was unleashed. Fill the cup? Ha! I think I could have filled a stadium! I think the sheer power and amount alone could have leveled a small village. So as I stood there, with my cup fully filled I smiled in my glory. I buckled once again, and made my way way back out, handing the fully filled holy grail to the nurse. She laughed, and said that I guess I just needed some help. Help? Look lady, its not like I'm a old man, like a guy who needs medication or some sort or boost. It's not like I have what is nowadays known as Erectile Dysfunction, and can't preform when i need to. It's not like that at all. I just needed to piss in a cup, and I hadn't drank enough to fill my bladder. Maybe it was cause I have been working out, and since all i drink now is water, my body is used to taking in a lot of it without having to run to the bathroom. Don't hate me because I have a strong bladder, and a tough stomach. Just be glad I filled the stupid cup, and smile and laugh to yourself.

untitled...

space around us seems lighter
the light around your face seems brighter
and no matter how much i deny
it becomes harder with each try

so fast you have come about
just a blur in front of my eyes
something i try to focus on
judging depth, weight and size

and as soon as the start began
the end seems like it is here
just when courage was starting to build
it's replaced by that one fear

and after sunrise and sunset
i will choose to forget
throw those thoughts away
let them end with the passing day

numbers and equations run through my mind
analyzing and reanalzying hoping the answer i'll find
knowing the chemical inbalance is the reason why
that the logic and resolve slip right by

pondered, and wondered, but never over thought
flirted, toyed with, but never fully sought
constant scenarios played out in time
lack of diction, leads to silent pantomime

choices that i can't take back
feelings of loss i'm starting to lack
a complex complexion i can't erase
with that attitude written on my face.

fitter, happier, more productive...

well it's getting to end of another week, and here i am again sitting in my chair at home. sweaty cause i just got in from the gym, my legs still aching a bit from yesterday's session. i feel good though, lighter, and more in shape. i'm well under 200 lbs now. i would say in the lower 190's. i will weigh myself tomorrow to be exact.

well things have changed a bit. looks like my vacation of unemployment will soon be ending, and then I will be back working my 30-40 hours a week. part of me is sad to see it all go, but the other part is happy to get back into the workforce, to actually be part of the workforce majority, instead of sucking umeployment from you lovely tax payers. I had a good run. It's not every day that you can just take 6 months off and not work, yet still have some type of income coming in. I'm glad i've done it, it's gave me a chance to get back to the person i want to be. i'm definately happier, in many ways. The confusion and drama of past relationships are gone now, and make way for a possible new one. all is yet to be written though. I'm definately happier with my physique, just being leaner and thinner helps me be happier. Feels great to be able to wear my older clothes. As as the job market goes, i went to a job fair today and interviewed with a lady about a position at a good company. She said she was impressed with my resume, and wrote down my name for a interview next week. So that looks promising. So my life is looking on the up and up. In the past when things were going good, I used to always be afraid. Afraid and worried that things were going so good, that the bad was always going to creep up and ruin it all. But you know, I'm not thinking that way anymore. I already know the bad will be there, I know it will ruin somethings. And that's ok. Compared to what I was living through back then, any amount of bad is still much better. My life is starting to be what I want it to be, slowly, but still surely. Happiness, security, and even the possible hint of love and all those things I have missed out of over the last 4 years are starting to show their faces again. Life is getting better for me. So with that, I'm going to go now. Hope all of you are safe and happy with the ones you love. Because I am getting back to that myself.

something i wrote a long time ago...

there will be times,
when the next line rhymes,
and there will be times,
when it doesn't.

im in love....(again?)

who with now? you might ask. don't worry, not anyone i can actually date. just some cute female, who happens to be a famous international pop singer. like i said, not anyone I can actually date. I was looking at a variety website, I call them that because they put funny pics and funny signs and videos and all that caca on one website. and they had a link for some pics of shakira. now i've never been a huge shakira fan, i mean i liked a few of her songs (the ones in english i could understand) and all that. but I never really thought she was all that attractive, I mean she's pretty, and down right cute, but not a super model type, not a woman that blows your mind away (like Gisele Bundchen, rawwwr!!) But I always thought of her as cute, ok, she is beautiful. I guess with her you like her for her music and her dance, not so much her looks. Where as people like Jessica Simpson for her ditzyness and her looks and not her music, Shakira is the opposite. She has looks, but they aren't her only talent. So anyways, I clicked on this link and up came so pics of her that I had never seen before. I'm guessing they have to be pretty recent because the website is pretty up to date. So anyways, I saw these pics, and now I've fallen in love with Shakira. Yeah, I know, poor me. In the pics (below) you will notice that she actually really does have a cute face, nice teeth, cute little freckles, and a nice tan. But what stands out to me is her hair. That natural look of I just got off a airplane and my hair is all messed up and crazy and everywhere. For some reason I find big hair attractive. And I don't mean like the girls in a B-52's video, I mean like fluffy, frizzy big hair, almost Robert Smith like. For some reason, that is a weakness to me. It's like cryptonite to my mind, it's makes me a little more defenseless. I found this out years ago actually. There was a girl at work that had ok regular hair, it was long, but she kept it pulled back most of the time. Then one day, she came in and suddenly there was this lion like mane around her head. She said her hair was naturally a little curly, and when she didn't pull it back or straighten it, it did that. And my jaw just hit the floor. Just by her hair alone, she looked 100% more attractive. Her hair actually resembled Shakira's hair in the pic's below. Almost the same color, and almost exactly the same style. There was another girl at my work that had rather curly hair, and she kept it long also. And when she wore it "dry" which i mean without hair product in it, it frizzed up also. She would pull it back a little, and it would almost make a little fro. She too, well her hair, became very attractive. So for some reason, I like big hair. And like I said, when I say "big hair" I don't mean like a big bee hive, or a big mexican perm (yuck). It has to be that in between, the natural frizzyness. Is Shakira's hair naturally like that? I have no idea, but the girls that I worked with were. Is it because I'm from Texas? and us Texans love big hair on women? Is it because I'm a product of a upbringing in the 80's when big frizzy hair was in? I'm just not quite sure. Whatever it is though, I hope someday to end up with a woman with hair like Shakira's. Whenever, Wherever, as long as her hair's big and frizzy, I'm there.

#1 


#2 


#3 


#4 

meaningless random thing that i don't understand...

why the word "laundry" or "wash" is upside down on laundromat signs.

will write for food...

well i just got in from my nightly routine. the gym. I haven't weighed myself in a few days, but last time i did i weighed in at 202 and a 1/2. So I'm almost under 200 (i might be by now for all i know) which is a good goal. the weight hasn't come off super fast, but then again i'm not complaining. I'm knocking it off the healthy way, with exercise and a actual good diet. about 25 pounds in a month? heck, I'll take it. let's just hope i can lose another 20 by july 2nd. which happens to be my bro's wedding. i want to do it for my self, but i think maybe 1% wants me to do it for "her." And what I mean by that is, she will be at the wedding. So I want her to see what she's missing out on. Call it childish, call it me being bitter, but hey, it's her loss afterall, might as well stick her nose in it. Am I wrong for that? Yes, but I don't care.

Well speaking of her, I have had some requests (well pretty much just from BH) to write the story of me and "her" (Sully). I have to say I have given it some thought, but I haven't yet started it. And I'm not sure I will, well not anytime soon. I have been itching to write, and by finally finishing the little saga of Gaby, I've been kind of without anything to work on. So the story of "her" is a bit tempting. But if you know me, I'm a bit lazy sometimes. I like to write, but I take my time doing it, so I wont't miss any details. I would have to say the whole thing with Gaby last from June 01 until the end in February 02. So roughly the whole story was a time period of 9 months. From start to finish. But the whole saga of "her" lasted from about the same time as I met Gaby (because they knew met not long after we all did) down to this very day. So that's like 4 years folks. If I turned 9 months into a 22 part story, can you imagine how long 4 years worth would be? That's a lot of writing. So will I attempt to tackle the story? Maybe. I thought it was near impossible for the Gaby story to be finished, and I did that. I guess as long as you guys out there are reading and enjoying, I'll keep writing. If not the story of "her" then I was going to work on adapting the Gaby story to a screenplay. Not that I think it would ever make a good movie, but just for the fact that I wanted to do it all along. I actually started writing the story down just as a way to get all the facts out, so I wouldn't forget. Like a novel, and then I was going to adapt a screen play of it. Either way I might start working on that. What do you guys think? Think that would make a decent movie? I'm sure you can embelish on certain things and change it up a bit. Maybe add some explosions? hehe. Actually when I was younger, I started writing a screenplay, but never finished it. I had a friend help out on it, but he moved and I haven't talked to him in years. So maybe I will dig that out of the boxes and attempt to finish that. I don't know if my writing is good enough for the movies, but considering fine works of writing like The Core and Gigli became movies, I figure I got a shot. Why not? Maybe I can earn some cash from it. So what do you guys think? Should I try a screen play? You guys have seen my writing, think I can do well?

slowly but surely

well its about midnight and i just finished up at the gym, another good 30 minutes, and about 100 really good crunches. it seems to be my nightly routine. atleast I have some sort of routine.

well in the wake of my downriver trip, something else has been in the back of my mind. i was talking with matt the other day, and he asked me about "her." I told him that she still calls me every week or every other week, and we talk for a bit. it's weird though, cause obviously it's not the same. just yesterday she called. i was watching tv and my cell went off and I glanced at the number. Area Code 713, which I have come to know is for Houston, Texas. Where she is. So took a deep breath and answered it. When I answered, I knew what was coming next. The long "hiiiii! how are you?" that she always enthusiastically says when I answer. So as I said hello I waited for it. And it came. Her soft, feminine voice did not disappoint. Her voice came in clear. That voice I longed to hear for all those years, that voice I just couldn't get enough of, with it's accent I have got so accustomed to. Now it's met with mixed emotions. I don't want to say that I don't want to hear her, that I wish not to ever speak to her again. But I guess since it's "ended" that voice has sort of slipped into having a negative connotation. Like when eat something that makes you sick, anything that reminds you of that, those feelings of sickness and agony, just are associated with badness. And even though i don't necessarily want her to be, her voice now brings up bad memories, memories of wasted time and hurt. And I hate that. I hate to be bitter. I hate to think that it affects me that much. And I wonder if it affects her. I wonder if she feels bad. I can only assume that she does, because she apologized many times. But I wonder if she meant it. I wonder if she was really feeling remorse, or it was just the fact that she knew an apology was standard procedure. So as I we talked for a few minutes, she asked me what I was up to. I told her not much, just still looking for a job, and working out. She said that she was doing good too, working and the same old. Then as if fate knew the lameness of our conversation, the old lady that she worked far started to call her (she was at work at the time) and she said she had to go. Our conversation lasted about 4 minutes. And just as fast as she was there, connected to me and my life, she was gone. Later on that night I ended up chatting with Matt again and he told me something interesting. He said something to the effect, "I wish you two would just work it out already." That got me thinking. She had been calling me, I haven't called her once since that day that we decided to end it. Was she trying to get me back? How can you get something back, that you never really had? Not that she didn't have me, cause all she had to do was say she wanted a serious relationship and I would have jumped on board. But she never said that. And she still wasn't saying that. To me, she is just calling to stay on good terms. To stay "friends" like we said we would be. But can men and women truly be only friends? Is it possible, without one side starting to feel more? To me it seems impossible, because every "friend" that is a girl that I have, I have liked for "more" then a friend or they like me at some point and it didn't work out. And the thing is, I don't know if I want to be her friend. I'm not saying I hate her, because I don't. But in this case, it's just hard for me to want to give her time, my energy, because I already had so much in the past, and it got me nowhere. I guess in my head, if she wants to be friends with me, then she needs to do it. I have already proven my friendship. And I wonder if she is feeling lonely now, if it's getting to her. I know she can be independent, but at some point, she started to rely on me, to back her up and give her support. And now I have just let that go. Because to me, she didn't want it. She wanted all the perks, and extras of having me be her bf, but without the committment of a relationship. And I hate to think that, I hate to think of her as a selfish person who would try and take advantage of that. I look at myself, and say that I gave her those things, and never asked anything back, it was my fault. But then I have to remember, that she didn't have to take those. It's like someone giving you rewards for something you didn't do. Do you take them and never tell them otherwise? Or do you just tell them and stop it. Maybe I shouldn't have been so naive and given her so much, but then again, she didn't have to take them. Not for 3 years anyway. So I think about what Matt said. If we could even work it out. And I have to say I'm skeptical. Because once your broken up, you miss that person. You long for that person, you remember all the good times you had with that person. All the sweet things they did, and all the wonderful memories you have. And that is your heart taking over. It clouds out the mind, which reminds you of every stupid little thing that annoyed you about that person. About how you fought and fought over trivial things, and seemed to be stressed out constantly. The minds tells reminds you about the dysfunction of the relationship and how stubborn she was. How the heart longs for a romantic reunion of two loves that seem destined for each other. But I think that's dangerous. Because as soon as you get back together, the reality sits in. The bliss fades, and the same old problems you had before creep right back up. And you start to remember the reason why you called it quits in the first place. I think that if both have that love for each other, then maybe it would could be salvaged. I think nothing is stronger then that love for each other, that longing to be with each other. No amount of fighting can't be overcome with that mutual love. And that mutual love is exactly what me and her didn't have. It was not mutual. So if there is a point in the future that it could ever happen, the reunion and reattempt at the "us" I avidly pursued, it would have to be with that mutual love. And that's something she never had. She would have to prove to me, without a shadow of a doubt that she really truly did have that. And that's hard, because that's saying I would believe her. As the days pass, that love in me is fading. It's slowly going away. So to "just work it out" seems like an impossibility to me. I do not know what will happen in the future between us, but I'm going to be realistic. And reality tells me, no. Nothing is ever going to become of "us." I hate to be the pessimist, but on this one it seems to be optimistic, is to just be a damn fool.

and you know maybe im being selfish. maybe i am a bit bitter and I want to protect my feelings from further attacks. maybe I can't seem to go back to being "friends" after we have already crossed, and danced on the line of frienship and relationship. but either way it's all i can do. even though it does get to me sometimes, I cannot and will not let those feelings of longing for her win. i honestly don't know how it is affecting her. when she calls she seems a bit melancholy about the whole situation. but I don't know if that is a front to try to make me feel better. as if she is having a hard time with this, as if i meant so much that it hurts her. but you know what, i don't care. if it is hurting her, then let it hurt. if she feels alone, then let her get used to the loneliness. i hate that about me, i hate that wish those things on her, but i would be a liar if I said part of me doesn't think those things. i would be a liar if i was to say that I am not happy that i have taken away all my attention from her. does she deserve it? I don't know. other people say she does, but I don't care what they say. Is she a good person? Yes. Does she have issues? Yes. Do I love her the same as before? I don't know anymore. Even though part the part of me that wants to be a better person is battling the bitter side, the majority part just wants to forget and move on. I'm not interested in making peace with her, I'm not worried about making her feel the pain I did, I just want to let it go and move on. And that's the majority right now. To take her as a learning experience and apply to the future. That's what I want to do now. But when it comes to those feelings, I wish I could numb them. To dilute them so they loose their potency. I long to be callous. One song's lyrics come to my mind:

And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you


as time passes I know it will fade more and more. positive things have already started to come out of the whole thing. And I apologize for the rantings about her, but this is therapy. this is part of "getting over" her. I'm moving on. Forward ahead. slowly but surely.

modern technology is great

thanks to matt, i downloaded this program that will let you view any place in the world using satellite imaging. so i decided to make a little visual aid to let all of you know how far my kayaking trip is going to actually be. It's going to take 5 days to complete. check it out (click on the pic to see the larger view):

Trip Summary 


isn't that just awesome, for the past two nights, i've sat for hours playing on it. looking at the pyramids in egypt. the great wall of china, machu piccu in peru.it has good clarity and a great zoom and tilt feature to view the elevation of the land. it's just so awesome.

incredibly silly joke (my aunt sent me), of the day.

Why did the Mexican cross the road?

Because the chicken
said,"pa.....caaaaaa!,pa....caaaa!"

hehe.

monday again

well it's monday again, and that means another session with the trainer today. i had one yesterday, (which was difficult) and now that I'm a bit sore, i get to do it all over again today! But things are going good, the sessions are working and I have been dropping weight. Very close to being under 200 now, just a few more pounds.

Well I guess there biggest developement so far is just over two weeks away. I can't wait. I want it to get here already. It will begin on June 4th, and go until he the afternoon of the eigth. What is it you might ask? Well I'm going canoeing. Well actually I will have a kayak, so I will be going kayaking, and everyone else will have a canoe. My friend Matt and his dad and some other guys always go down the Llano River, so this year I will be joining them. I have been wanting to go for the last two years, but because I was working at the time, I wasn't able to go. But this year, I'm going to buckle down and go. It's going to be great. Spending almost 5 days on the river, fishing, relaxing, and camping wherever we decide to stop. Yup, no tents, no shelters, just us, our sleeping bags, and the open air. Just us guys, fishing and taking in the great outdoors. Going to let the old beard grow a bit, and not comb my hair (like i do anyway) at all. I'm really excited about it. So know that it's inching closer, I have much to do. Have to plan meals, and with my recent dieting, that will be a little difficult. I can't just get bags of chips and stuff like that to eat. So I have to think. I think I'm going to take some frozen chicken breasts in a cooler, and that way I can cook them over the fire at night. Then in the morning I will eat my regular cheerios and fruit. If in the afternoon I want a snack, I'll take extra fruit and some energy bars. Now the fun part is taking a shower. Guess how we will keep clean? Well there is a river! So Matt told me to bring some soap and just take a bath in the river. WITH SWIM TRUNKS ON. They ain't gonna catch me naked in the river. And I was thinking about using the bathroom. Going to have to do it the old school way, by digging a hole or something. Just gotta make sure to bring some tp with me, cause I ain't using no leaf or pine cone (ouch).

So as you see my trip will be interesting. I plan to take my camera and try to document each day and the things we do. So after I should have pics of everything. Well I do have my kayak on lay-away, so I know what that will look like. It is this one:

My Kakak 


Well I hope eveyone is having a good monday! Don't work too hard.

a silly one from the past...

so here we are at the end
not far from where we started
and although the many we did befriend
we ourselves have parted

the many that came
the many that left
they took our crown
and left us a frown

upside down, out of place,
forever lost, without a trace,
fallen down, cut on the knee,
stuck forever in a big tree,

test drove, but never bought,
thrown perfectly, but never caught,
hunched over, with enormous pain,
a highway with only one lane,

sought for, but never found,
a bolt of lightning sent to the ground,
a building, built completely of glass,
a raging storm, that soon will pass,

wind that can move a shopping cart,
a bullet sent straight to the heart,
the hero for the day, once again,
a lazy day spent in the den.

cuddling the one you love, next to the fire,
one these wings, i dare aspire,
alone, besides the company of my cat,
on my thrown is where i sat,

here once more, but not the same,
tired, tired of this ongoing game,
on faith and love it all does depend,
and this last line, is the end.

a new start

so here i sit
another dying exterior
but i take pride, because inside
against my past, im now superior

that recent me is gone
but not gone without a trace
still a bit of him here
his work showing on my face

i looked my demons in the eye
and said goodbye
i confessed my sin
and recieved my discipline

and now that weight is gone
off the yoke it was taken
i gave it to him who bears the burden
the one who helped me awaken

so now i have that peace
that only he can give
clear conscience, a fresh start
dying on the outside,
but inside, dying to live.

more tests results

Your Life Path Number Is 11

11 Your life path is greatly associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close. On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

I entered my birthdate, and it came up with 11! I told you, I'm haunted by 11!

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Me?? Hmm...Interesting.

You Are 25 Years Old

25 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Man that thing is right on the mark! I filled out all the questions, and it picked my exact age! Now no one can tell me to act my age. Because according to this I do!

Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I'm balanced huh? That's cool.

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Yeah, I guess that is me. Especially the last part.

Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence

80's Alternative: High Influence

90's Rock: High Influence

Alternative Rock: High Influence

Adult Alternative: Medium Influence

Hair Bands: Low Influence

Old School Hip Hop: Low Influence

Ska: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Like duh. Just by selecting Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins alone puts me in the 90's alternative. Ahhh...how I miss that 90's alternative. I think I would have had punk on there too, but the punk bands that I like, weren't listed. Oh well.

monday, monday

isn't that a song or something?

well this weekend was pretty good, just relaxed a bit and got some computer work done. working on some desktop publishing. i should have been in the gym yesterday, but I figured since I had my session with the trainer on saturday, i'd give myself a break. today i had another session with him, and it ended up being the best session yet. lots of hard exercises, but I was actually able to do most of them. I would say I'm at about 80% able to do the exercises. they are still hard because I'm still heavier then I should be, but as the weight comes off, the easier they will be. but altogther they it was a good work out. I got my 20 minutes of cardio in also. I used the elipical (i have no idea how to spell that). I usually use the treadmill, but the trainer told me use that machine. it basically does the same thing, without all the impact of running. i was skeptical at first, but when i kept sweating, i started to believe him. that is going to be done 4 days a week, starting at 20 minutes and moving up gradually to 30 minutes a day. mixed in with some regular ab work (crunches, side crunches, bicycle crunches) it should fill in the gaps of days between sessions. i got my meal book too, and my supplements. suprisingly it isn't that bad. I realized I can eat pasta and bread and other foods, I just have to watch the portion size. it's all about portions folks, portions and regular exercise. so all in all, it's going good, 2 sessions down, and 16 to go. this month of may I'm going to be hitting it hard, ready to see some good results at the end of the month. we'll see. well hope everyone is having a good monday, adios!