meaningless random thing that i don't understand...

why the word "laundry" or "wash" is upside down on laundromat signs.

will write for food...

well i just got in from my nightly routine. the gym. I haven't weighed myself in a few days, but last time i did i weighed in at 202 and a 1/2. So I'm almost under 200 (i might be by now for all i know) which is a good goal. the weight hasn't come off super fast, but then again i'm not complaining. I'm knocking it off the healthy way, with exercise and a actual good diet. about 25 pounds in a month? heck, I'll take it. let's just hope i can lose another 20 by july 2nd. which happens to be my bro's wedding. i want to do it for my self, but i think maybe 1% wants me to do it for "her." And what I mean by that is, she will be at the wedding. So I want her to see what she's missing out on. Call it childish, call it me being bitter, but hey, it's her loss afterall, might as well stick her nose in it. Am I wrong for that? Yes, but I don't care.

Well speaking of her, I have had some requests (well pretty much just from BH) to write the story of me and "her" (Sully). I have to say I have given it some thought, but I haven't yet started it. And I'm not sure I will, well not anytime soon. I have been itching to write, and by finally finishing the little saga of Gaby, I've been kind of without anything to work on. So the story of "her" is a bit tempting. But if you know me, I'm a bit lazy sometimes. I like to write, but I take my time doing it, so I wont't miss any details. I would have to say the whole thing with Gaby last from June 01 until the end in February 02. So roughly the whole story was a time period of 9 months. From start to finish. But the whole saga of "her" lasted from about the same time as I met Gaby (because they knew met not long after we all did) down to this very day. So that's like 4 years folks. If I turned 9 months into a 22 part story, can you imagine how long 4 years worth would be? That's a lot of writing. So will I attempt to tackle the story? Maybe. I thought it was near impossible for the Gaby story to be finished, and I did that. I guess as long as you guys out there are reading and enjoying, I'll keep writing. If not the story of "her" then I was going to work on adapting the Gaby story to a screenplay. Not that I think it would ever make a good movie, but just for the fact that I wanted to do it all along. I actually started writing the story down just as a way to get all the facts out, so I wouldn't forget. Like a novel, and then I was going to adapt a screen play of it. Either way I might start working on that. What do you guys think? Think that would make a decent movie? I'm sure you can embelish on certain things and change it up a bit. Maybe add some explosions? hehe. Actually when I was younger, I started writing a screenplay, but never finished it. I had a friend help out on it, but he moved and I haven't talked to him in years. So maybe I will dig that out of the boxes and attempt to finish that. I don't know if my writing is good enough for the movies, but considering fine works of writing like The Core and Gigli became movies, I figure I got a shot. Why not? Maybe I can earn some cash from it. So what do you guys think? Should I try a screen play? You guys have seen my writing, think I can do well?

slowly but surely

well its about midnight and i just finished up at the gym, another good 30 minutes, and about 100 really good crunches. it seems to be my nightly routine. atleast I have some sort of routine.

well in the wake of my downriver trip, something else has been in the back of my mind. i was talking with matt the other day, and he asked me about "her." I told him that she still calls me every week or every other week, and we talk for a bit. it's weird though, cause obviously it's not the same. just yesterday she called. i was watching tv and my cell went off and I glanced at the number. Area Code 713, which I have come to know is for Houston, Texas. Where she is. So took a deep breath and answered it. When I answered, I knew what was coming next. The long "hiiiii! how are you?" that she always enthusiastically says when I answer. So as I said hello I waited for it. And it came. Her soft, feminine voice did not disappoint. Her voice came in clear. That voice I longed to hear for all those years, that voice I just couldn't get enough of, with it's accent I have got so accustomed to. Now it's met with mixed emotions. I don't want to say that I don't want to hear her, that I wish not to ever speak to her again. But I guess since it's "ended" that voice has sort of slipped into having a negative connotation. Like when eat something that makes you sick, anything that reminds you of that, those feelings of sickness and agony, just are associated with badness. And even though i don't necessarily want her to be, her voice now brings up bad memories, memories of wasted time and hurt. And I hate that. I hate to be bitter. I hate to think that it affects me that much. And I wonder if it affects her. I wonder if she feels bad. I can only assume that she does, because she apologized many times. But I wonder if she meant it. I wonder if she was really feeling remorse, or it was just the fact that she knew an apology was standard procedure. So as I we talked for a few minutes, she asked me what I was up to. I told her not much, just still looking for a job, and working out. She said that she was doing good too, working and the same old. Then as if fate knew the lameness of our conversation, the old lady that she worked far started to call her (she was at work at the time) and she said she had to go. Our conversation lasted about 4 minutes. And just as fast as she was there, connected to me and my life, she was gone. Later on that night I ended up chatting with Matt again and he told me something interesting. He said something to the effect, "I wish you two would just work it out already." That got me thinking. She had been calling me, I haven't called her once since that day that we decided to end it. Was she trying to get me back? How can you get something back, that you never really had? Not that she didn't have me, cause all she had to do was say she wanted a serious relationship and I would have jumped on board. But she never said that. And she still wasn't saying that. To me, she is just calling to stay on good terms. To stay "friends" like we said we would be. But can men and women truly be only friends? Is it possible, without one side starting to feel more? To me it seems impossible, because every "friend" that is a girl that I have, I have liked for "more" then a friend or they like me at some point and it didn't work out. And the thing is, I don't know if I want to be her friend. I'm not saying I hate her, because I don't. But in this case, it's just hard for me to want to give her time, my energy, because I already had so much in the past, and it got me nowhere. I guess in my head, if she wants to be friends with me, then she needs to do it. I have already proven my friendship. And I wonder if she is feeling lonely now, if it's getting to her. I know she can be independent, but at some point, she started to rely on me, to back her up and give her support. And now I have just let that go. Because to me, she didn't want it. She wanted all the perks, and extras of having me be her bf, but without the committment of a relationship. And I hate to think that, I hate to think of her as a selfish person who would try and take advantage of that. I look at myself, and say that I gave her those things, and never asked anything back, it was my fault. But then I have to remember, that she didn't have to take those. It's like someone giving you rewards for something you didn't do. Do you take them and never tell them otherwise? Or do you just tell them and stop it. Maybe I shouldn't have been so naive and given her so much, but then again, she didn't have to take them. Not for 3 years anyway. So I think about what Matt said. If we could even work it out. And I have to say I'm skeptical. Because once your broken up, you miss that person. You long for that person, you remember all the good times you had with that person. All the sweet things they did, and all the wonderful memories you have. And that is your heart taking over. It clouds out the mind, which reminds you of every stupid little thing that annoyed you about that person. About how you fought and fought over trivial things, and seemed to be stressed out constantly. The minds tells reminds you about the dysfunction of the relationship and how stubborn she was. How the heart longs for a romantic reunion of two loves that seem destined for each other. But I think that's dangerous. Because as soon as you get back together, the reality sits in. The bliss fades, and the same old problems you had before creep right back up. And you start to remember the reason why you called it quits in the first place. I think that if both have that love for each other, then maybe it would could be salvaged. I think nothing is stronger then that love for each other, that longing to be with each other. No amount of fighting can't be overcome with that mutual love. And that mutual love is exactly what me and her didn't have. It was not mutual. So if there is a point in the future that it could ever happen, the reunion and reattempt at the "us" I avidly pursued, it would have to be with that mutual love. And that's something she never had. She would have to prove to me, without a shadow of a doubt that she really truly did have that. And that's hard, because that's saying I would believe her. As the days pass, that love in me is fading. It's slowly going away. So to "just work it out" seems like an impossibility to me. I do not know what will happen in the future between us, but I'm going to be realistic. And reality tells me, no. Nothing is ever going to become of "us." I hate to be the pessimist, but on this one it seems to be optimistic, is to just be a damn fool.

and you know maybe im being selfish. maybe i am a bit bitter and I want to protect my feelings from further attacks. maybe I can't seem to go back to being "friends" after we have already crossed, and danced on the line of frienship and relationship. but either way it's all i can do. even though it does get to me sometimes, I cannot and will not let those feelings of longing for her win. i honestly don't know how it is affecting her. when she calls she seems a bit melancholy about the whole situation. but I don't know if that is a front to try to make me feel better. as if she is having a hard time with this, as if i meant so much that it hurts her. but you know what, i don't care. if it is hurting her, then let it hurt. if she feels alone, then let her get used to the loneliness. i hate that about me, i hate that wish those things on her, but i would be a liar if I said part of me doesn't think those things. i would be a liar if i was to say that I am not happy that i have taken away all my attention from her. does she deserve it? I don't know. other people say she does, but I don't care what they say. Is she a good person? Yes. Does she have issues? Yes. Do I love her the same as before? I don't know anymore. Even though part the part of me that wants to be a better person is battling the bitter side, the majority part just wants to forget and move on. I'm not interested in making peace with her, I'm not worried about making her feel the pain I did, I just want to let it go and move on. And that's the majority right now. To take her as a learning experience and apply to the future. That's what I want to do now. But when it comes to those feelings, I wish I could numb them. To dilute them so they loose their potency. I long to be callous. One song's lyrics come to my mind:

And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you


as time passes I know it will fade more and more. positive things have already started to come out of the whole thing. And I apologize for the rantings about her, but this is therapy. this is part of "getting over" her. I'm moving on. Forward ahead. slowly but surely.

modern technology is great

thanks to matt, i downloaded this program that will let you view any place in the world using satellite imaging. so i decided to make a little visual aid to let all of you know how far my kayaking trip is going to actually be. It's going to take 5 days to complete. check it out (click on the pic to see the larger view):

Trip Summary 


isn't that just awesome, for the past two nights, i've sat for hours playing on it. looking at the pyramids in egypt. the great wall of china, machu piccu in peru.it has good clarity and a great zoom and tilt feature to view the elevation of the land. it's just so awesome.

incredibly silly joke (my aunt sent me), of the day.

Why did the Mexican cross the road?

Because the chicken
said,"pa.....caaaaaa!,pa....caaaa!"

hehe.

monday again

well it's monday again, and that means another session with the trainer today. i had one yesterday, (which was difficult) and now that I'm a bit sore, i get to do it all over again today! But things are going good, the sessions are working and I have been dropping weight. Very close to being under 200 now, just a few more pounds.

Well I guess there biggest developement so far is just over two weeks away. I can't wait. I want it to get here already. It will begin on June 4th, and go until he the afternoon of the eigth. What is it you might ask? Well I'm going canoeing. Well actually I will have a kayak, so I will be going kayaking, and everyone else will have a canoe. My friend Matt and his dad and some other guys always go down the Llano River, so this year I will be joining them. I have been wanting to go for the last two years, but because I was working at the time, I wasn't able to go. But this year, I'm going to buckle down and go. It's going to be great. Spending almost 5 days on the river, fishing, relaxing, and camping wherever we decide to stop. Yup, no tents, no shelters, just us, our sleeping bags, and the open air. Just us guys, fishing and taking in the great outdoors. Going to let the old beard grow a bit, and not comb my hair (like i do anyway) at all. I'm really excited about it. So know that it's inching closer, I have much to do. Have to plan meals, and with my recent dieting, that will be a little difficult. I can't just get bags of chips and stuff like that to eat. So I have to think. I think I'm going to take some frozen chicken breasts in a cooler, and that way I can cook them over the fire at night. Then in the morning I will eat my regular cheerios and fruit. If in the afternoon I want a snack, I'll take extra fruit and some energy bars. Now the fun part is taking a shower. Guess how we will keep clean? Well there is a river! So Matt told me to bring some soap and just take a bath in the river. WITH SWIM TRUNKS ON. They ain't gonna catch me naked in the river. And I was thinking about using the bathroom. Going to have to do it the old school way, by digging a hole or something. Just gotta make sure to bring some tp with me, cause I ain't using no leaf or pine cone (ouch).

So as you see my trip will be interesting. I plan to take my camera and try to document each day and the things we do. So after I should have pics of everything. Well I do have my kayak on lay-away, so I know what that will look like. It is this one:

My Kakak 


Well I hope eveyone is having a good monday! Don't work too hard.

a silly one from the past...

so here we are at the end
not far from where we started
and although the many we did befriend
we ourselves have parted

the many that came
the many that left
they took our crown
and left us a frown

upside down, out of place,
forever lost, without a trace,
fallen down, cut on the knee,
stuck forever in a big tree,

test drove, but never bought,
thrown perfectly, but never caught,
hunched over, with enormous pain,
a highway with only one lane,

sought for, but never found,
a bolt of lightning sent to the ground,
a building, built completely of glass,
a raging storm, that soon will pass,

wind that can move a shopping cart,
a bullet sent straight to the heart,
the hero for the day, once again,
a lazy day spent in the den.

cuddling the one you love, next to the fire,
one these wings, i dare aspire,
alone, besides the company of my cat,
on my thrown is where i sat,

here once more, but not the same,
tired, tired of this ongoing game,
on faith and love it all does depend,
and this last line, is the end.

a new start

so here i sit
another dying exterior
but i take pride, because inside
against my past, im now superior

that recent me is gone
but not gone without a trace
still a bit of him here
his work showing on my face

i looked my demons in the eye
and said goodbye
i confessed my sin
and recieved my discipline

and now that weight is gone
off the yoke it was taken
i gave it to him who bears the burden
the one who helped me awaken

so now i have that peace
that only he can give
clear conscience, a fresh start
dying on the outside,
but inside, dying to live.

more tests results

Your Life Path Number Is 11

11 Your life path is greatly associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close. On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

I entered my birthdate, and it came up with 11! I told you, I'm haunted by 11!

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Me?? Hmm...Interesting.

You Are 25 Years Old

25 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Man that thing is right on the mark! I filled out all the questions, and it picked my exact age! Now no one can tell me to act my age. Because according to this I do!

Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I'm balanced huh? That's cool.

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Yeah, I guess that is me. Especially the last part.

Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence

80's Alternative: High Influence

90's Rock: High Influence

Alternative Rock: High Influence

Adult Alternative: Medium Influence

Hair Bands: Low Influence

Old School Hip Hop: Low Influence

Ska: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Like duh. Just by selecting Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins alone puts me in the 90's alternative. Ahhh...how I miss that 90's alternative. I think I would have had punk on there too, but the punk bands that I like, weren't listed. Oh well.

monday, monday

isn't that a song or something?

well this weekend was pretty good, just relaxed a bit and got some computer work done. working on some desktop publishing. i should have been in the gym yesterday, but I figured since I had my session with the trainer on saturday, i'd give myself a break. today i had another session with him, and it ended up being the best session yet. lots of hard exercises, but I was actually able to do most of them. I would say I'm at about 80% able to do the exercises. they are still hard because I'm still heavier then I should be, but as the weight comes off, the easier they will be. but altogther they it was a good work out. I got my 20 minutes of cardio in also. I used the elipical (i have no idea how to spell that). I usually use the treadmill, but the trainer told me use that machine. it basically does the same thing, without all the impact of running. i was skeptical at first, but when i kept sweating, i started to believe him. that is going to be done 4 days a week, starting at 20 minutes and moving up gradually to 30 minutes a day. mixed in with some regular ab work (crunches, side crunches, bicycle crunches) it should fill in the gaps of days between sessions. i got my meal book too, and my supplements. suprisingly it isn't that bad. I realized I can eat pasta and bread and other foods, I just have to watch the portion size. it's all about portions folks, portions and regular exercise. so all in all, it's going good, 2 sessions down, and 16 to go. this month of may I'm going to be hitting it hard, ready to see some good results at the end of the month. we'll see. well hope everyone is having a good monday, adios!

it's working...

update: I weighed myself yesterday. 209. 14 lbs have been shed in the last 9 days. this diet is working. have to meet with the trainer tomorrow morning again, for another but kicking session. I'm ready this time, going to eat some oatmeal and apples before I go in.

I'm on my way folks.

thanks Yahoo!

Yahoo! 


Beautiful? Well, I would probably say I'm more of a "mysteriously handsome" but hey, I'll take beautiful. Thanks Yahoo! You little flirt you.

how i speaka de engrisch

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

20% Yankee

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Funny because people say I don't sound like I'm from Texas. A guy I used to work with told me once that I sound like a mix of Adam Sandler and a surfer dude. Whoa! No Way? Awesome Dude.

day one of hell

Carns darn it! Fiddle sticks and poopy crackers! Caca Pee-Pee Pedo!

I don't want to say the real cuss words, so those will have to do. But man, I'll tell you what that Personal Trainer kicked my butt today. I think the word "trainer" should be replaced with "person who makes you work harder and feel more pain than anyone else." Maybe "Personal Beater Upper?" Either way, it was good for me. He had me doing exercises I had never dreamed of, bending my body in ways I never dreamt it could bend. At one point we had to stop, because I felt extremely light headed. Me? Light headed? Yup. For one of the first time in my life, I felt like I might actually faint. No matter how buzzes I've had from cerveza, none of them compared to this. Beer is a good buzz, this, was a hot, tired, sweaty, feel like I'm going to throw up feeling. But hey, it was my fault. Our session was at 12 (high noon) and I didn't eat anything for breakfast. I shouldn't have gone in there on a empty stomach. A mistake I won't be making again. So now tonight, I'll have a grilled chicken salad and await Saturday, the day of my first official session (today was a freebie). So until then, I'll diet and do some cardio and work on the abs. I'm gonna do this, even if it kills me. Then atleast I'd be a thinner corpse.

results of my tests, this is me huh?

Global Personality Test Results

Personality in summary You are: messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

its here alright

well it's here. the soreness, the tightness, the pain. it's here. 48 hours later, right on schedule. got to press on. don't give up. this is only temporary. another week it will all be better. i've been here before, i've gotten through this before. got to hold on.

stupid exercise.

when i was a kid

Being 25, I know I'm not very old. Very much still "wet behind the ears." But even though I haven't lived that long on this planet, I've witnessed a lot of change. The things I got to know as a kid, have changed dramtically. So I thought it would be cool to go back and visit just some of what the world used to be. When I was a kid. Here's some pics to help you remember. (Click on the pic to get a bigger version). Enjoy!

Ok when I was a kid, I liked to snack. Cookies, chips and everything else. Maybe it was because my mom wouldn't really let us, and she always would cook such great meals. Either way, I remember these. I would LOVE these, as I still do today. This is the only logo that I could find, but I swear there was another one, with the bag being orange. Pretty funny to remember though.

Yum Yum 


Now growing up, we were always mostly outside playing on our bikes. But I remember on Thursday's at 6 pm, me and my brother were at one place. In front of the TV. Why? The show. My show. The show that topped all others. See when I was growing I didn't have much of a father figure. But that was ok. Because my hero was not a man. You see my hero, was a car.

My Hero 


But when we weren't riding bikes, and watching Knight Rider, we were doing other more constructive things. Like playing Atari. Atari was the best, before Nintendo, before Sega, before any of them. I remember we had one, which was pretty odd now that I think of it, because we were pretty poor. But I remember using the round paddles for Pong, and playing so much the black cover of the joystick cracked and broke, revealing the white plastic below. I remember playing many games, but none more then this one. This game was hard back then, and if I played it now, I probably still wouldn't be able to beat it. I actually don't quite get the point of this game, I guess to run around and then somehow get your spaceship before the time runs out. And the name? Journey is for the band, Journey, and the escape is I guess what you tried to do. It's funny, because back then I didn't know, but the theme song to the game is actually the band's song "Don't Stop Believing" in a cheezy 80's Midi format. It was great though, I remember humming it for days.

My Favorite Atari Game 


It was hard 


Now on the rare occasion that my dad was actually acting like a good dad, he would take us to the movies. We would drive in his beat up brown Ford truck to The Galaxy. That was the coolest movie theatre of the day, and it wasn't really that far from where we lived. I remember there is where I found my favorite Arcade Game. Tucked in the back row of games, neglected because of newer games like "Bad Dudes" and "Road Blasters." But it called to me. In that unequivocal, that unmistakable voice, it called to me. What did it say you may ask, nothing else but "The Force will be with you, always." I remember pumping so many of my drunken father's quarters into this game, and never reaching Level 3. This too, was a very hard game. But I intend to beat it someday, when I own my very own arcade game of it, in my house somewhere in the future.

The Best Arcade Game Ever 


Just Awesome 


Even though growing up, I didn't have the regular definition of a "family" we still had our "family" moments. When my mom was tired of cooking, and we had money to eat out, we would go to a really fancy restaurant named this:

Our Family Restaurant 


I loved eating there, not only for the mashed potatoes, but for my treat that I got after I finished. See this brings back memories of my mom. Like I said before, my mom wouldn't let us eat tons of cookies and candy. She was always cooking nice meals, with vegetables and other healthy things. So when we went out to eat, if I behaved, I remember she would let me have my treat. I remember biting into it, as the chocolate covering flaked off the marshmallow. I remember just sitting in the truck as we drove home, enjoying every second of it. It's a great memory of my mom, and helps me not to forget what a great mom she was.

My Treat 


Well folks, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a nice time reading and learning a bit about me and my growing up. You know I remember talking to a friend once about the past. I remember laughing at what they said, "The past is a nice place to visit, but it's nowhere to live." And they were right. It's nice to look back and reflect and even learn. But really, the importance is on the future, not what we did, but what we are going to do. Now that I'm 25, I feel I'm starting over, and making a new future. I guess good Ol' Doc Brown was right all along. "It means that your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is, whatever you make it. So make it a good one."

it be on-ith, like donkey kong-ith

today I made a big step forward. i joined or rejoined you could say, the gym. yup, that's right, you heard it directly from me. I am now a member of Gold's gym, formerly Fitness Connection, before they got bought out. Why you might ask? Well today for lunch, I drove up the street and got me some nice unhealthy Church's chicken. As I finished my meal I felt sick. And as I layed on the couch and watched afternoon tv, it hit me. I'm becoming a fat, lazy, slob. Exactly what I never wanted to be. Here I am, a newly 25 year old, single, with a decent car and my own place! I should be out and about, mingling and meeting new people. When I say people, I mean women of course. But as I sat there, my stomach churning from the chicken, I thought to myself, what girl is going to want this fat slob? Now I understand love is blind (on occasion) and real love is not based on external qualities. I know that. But I have to be realistic with myself. When I first meet a girl, I don't know her, so I don't know about her personality and her sense of humor and all those internal things. The first thing you see is the outside. That's what I think attracts you right off the bat. True, that's not always fair, because a lot of great funny girls aren't given the time of day because they don't have the looks. But then again, if a guy ONLY thinks about looks and doesn't go for the not so pretty girls, then really it benefits her. Better she doesn't deal with that kind of guy. Ok, back to my point. Well whatever my reason may be, to attract girls, to make myself healthier, I decided to get off my butt and go to the gym. I actually fought myself on this one too, first I called the gym to find out the specials. That way if they said they didn't have any, I wouldn't have to go in. But of course, they don't tell you the specials, that way you HAVE to go in. So I just decided to. I HAD WON THAT BATTLE. But being the lazy stubborn guy I am, I went there dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, that way there was NO POSSIBLE way I was going to actually work out while I was there the first time. See it's funny, because when you haven't been to the gym in a while, you forget how it is. You start to think that because you haven't gone, you have suddenly become the fattest person in the entire universe. You think that when you walk in there is going to be nothing but male and female supermodels there, and they are all going to laugh as you walk in. "Yah, youza need to pump some iron, you little girly squirelly man!" I don't know what it is, but that's the fear that you tend to get with gyms. But as I arrived, I soon realized that is completely not the case. As I was walking up to the front door, I could see the people running on the treadmills. And I didn't see one supermodel. If anything, these people were much more heavier and out of shape then me. Ofcourse there were people there that were in great shape, but the majority of the people there were not. So as I officially joined and signed on the X, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I went back home and decided to chill out for bit, and then actually go back for a workout. I waited until 9 PM and then made my way to the gym. As I walked in I noticed there was significantly less people there now. Cool, I don't have to wait for any machines. As in the past, I headed for the treadmills for some cardio and to loosen up. I realize I'm not where I once was, so I can't just start off running like I used to. So I did a fast walk on random elevations for 15 minutes. After the first one I decided that wasn't enough so I did another one. I think it came out to 2.15 miles. Not bad, considering most of my days are spent on the couch, the only steps being to the computer and the fridge for a coke. I did some of the machines, mostly focusing on the abs. Yeah, I gotta get this gut under control, it's got to be tamed. I didn't want a really hard work out, because I figure I would slowly build back up. Tomorrow I'm going to do the same, but probably hit some free weights and other machines. But abs, abs, abs, I have to focus on them. And with that, comes dieting. That's going to be hard. No more sodas. I know some say to drink Diet sodas, but not me, I rather not have any. So that's one thing. Next, no junk food. I actually don't eat much cake and sweets, well except for the Uh Ohs! so that shouldn't be too hard. And the worst thing I will have to cut out is cerveza. Like I said, I rather not drink any at all, then drink the Lite stuff. It's not that I like beer anyways, I can stand the taste, but I never crave it or actually enjoy a nice cold beer. All together I think it's going to be hard to say no, when everyone around me is going to be eating wings and drinking beer. That will be hard, but not impossible. I can do it, I know I can. I've done it before. I just have to get in that mindset that I was before, that nothing is going to make me cheat on my diet. I wish I actually had some sort of motivation like I did before with Gaby, but this time it's just for me. I'm my own motivation this time. So we will see if I can keep that. So now, I feel good. My arms feel a bit tight already, and my legs a bit sore. I know if I keep my workout going, I'm going to be in a world of hurt, but that's ok. I've lived through it before, and I can again. The soreness goes away, and the pain dulls. So tomorrow and for the next couple months it's on.

Official Day One Weigh In: 223 LBS

(I'll keep updating my progress periodically)

something i just wrote

And as I sit here alone, I wonder how u are
and if your thinking of me
I wonder why we let our foolishness
lead us both that far?

the chance that we could have made it
grew slimmer by the day
the love that we lacked, had slowly cracked
crumbled, and was blown away.

But what made me upset, or maybe just what I don’t get
is that you still never seemed to try
even when I would gaze into your brown iris’s
we never saw eye to eye

because there are rules to this game, rules that have been proven true,
hate begets hate
love begets love
but this time, I guess I won’t be getting you.

getting over it

confusion reigns supreme once again
nothing as it seems
never know where I'm at
never know what anything means
so many emotions come to the fore
and I don't know, just like one
I don't know how to get it out of my mind
like once before
it's the only thing I find
the blood that boils in my veins
shouldn't even be a little warm
I shouldn't feel the way I do
I shouldn't feel I'm at harm
cause all I feel now is shame
it really hurts that bad
I don't know why I act this way
I don't know why I'm so sad
and I ask and beg to take it away
but I never shed any tears
for all those useless days
for all those wasted years
so many things I could have been
so far I could have gone,
then I'd be here, and maybe I'd be the one,
so I suck it up, and hope for a better day
I don't know where either of us will end up
but maybe we will run into each other
somewhere along the way.

I actually wrote this a few years back, and in light of current events it seems to apply. I have been thinking the last couple days, about everything that has happened and the way it all has finally ended. It's weird, because I always thought I would be a lot more down and out about it then I actually am. I thought I would be completely depressed and affected by it. But I guess in reality, I have always known. I have always had the doubt in my head, the reality that it wouldn't work no matter how hard I tried. From the beginning it seemed destined to fail. If you know me, you know I don't believe in things being destined, but this one did seem like it had no hope. And I guess that's why I am not fully destroyed by the fact that it didn't work out. Because I always knew it wasn't ever going to. And you know I remember contemplating never loving, never trying again. That if it didn't work out, then I was done with it all. But now, I don't see that happening. Why should I give up on love, because of a relationship that lacked it? Why should I deprive myself out of the oppurtunity to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally? In my mind now, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and be interested in another girl right away, but then again, I'm not going to deny myself the possibility. I did my part. I loved much more then the required amount, and I never once asked for anything in return. I can look back and be proud, yes I was a fool, and yes I should have been more wise. But I can't look back and say that I didn't try. I did. Eventhough it wasn't enough, I tried. So now, I go it alone once again. "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known." And now when being full of anger would be completely justifiable, I'm calm and collected. I wish her no harm, I just hope she finds what she wants. I wish her love in the future. I wish her the best. "Because on faith and love it all does depend. And this last line, is the end."