I can still tell I'm from the city

today, well in the later afternoon I had to run by the post office, so I laced up my boots and went out trudging through the snow. Because I don't have a car yet, my only way of getting around is the two legs connected to me. that and begging for rides. but since everyone is busy, or out of town, it was just me and my two legs. i walked down Oak St. and turned right on whatever street that is until i reached the Post Office. Sent off what I needed to send off, and then walked up the street till I hit Washington St. which is the main street of the downtown block. Which consists of a whopping two blocks. The biggest building being the movie theatre. As I turned back onto Oak St. I decided to get a bite to eat at McDonalds. As I ordered I noticed a very elderly man walking in behind me, with what I thought some of his family. I got my food and sat down by myself, and began to eat. Then I noticed the old man went and sat down himself, using his walker as a guide. He must have been atleast 80 or 90 judging by the slowness of his movements. As he sat down the young girl who had helped me actually brought his food to him. But where was his family I thought? As I got up to get a refill, I noticed his family was sitting at another table altogether. His family, those people that seemed to come in with him, weren't his family at all. I had seen them help him in, and hold the door for him, but I guess they were just being polite.

He was eating all alone.

Just like me.

I would have say I'd be lying if I didn't think of going and sitting with him, maybe for the fact that we both could probably talk and chit chat. But I didn't. I sat at my safe distance and watched him hunched over, slowly eating his cheeseburger in quiet. I would also be lying if I said I didn't see a parallel between him and me. We were both alone, both eating our later lunches/dinner by ourselves. And I began to wonder what his story might have been. Was he alone in life? Did he have any family at all? Had he been married for a ungodly amount of years, and now his wife had passed away and he was left on his lonesome? Did he have children who only came around every once in a while, lost in their lives with their own families? I wondered all this while he sat, eating his cheeseburger. Then as if right on time, came the thought of me. Was I going to have the same fate? Was I going to end up in my elderly days hunched over alone eating processed cheeseburgers at a small McDonalds in a town that's hardly on the map? I wondered if he was happy, I wondered if he even knew what happiness meant? I sat and pondered all this over my french fries and quarter pounder, and when I finished them, I left. He was still there, still eating his cheeseburger as I walked out. I hope he was happy, I hope his cheeseburger brought him that.

As I walked home, I thought about my life so far. I have moved here for a better life, and up to this point, it's been pretty good. Definitely better. I got home to a quiet house, my cousins all being away on vacation in SA. I walked in and was greeted by the sound of the bell on the cat's collar, that rings when she is running. She was happy to see me, for the time being I am all she has. I am her only means of getting pet on the head and scratched on the neck, she needs me. So later as I sat and studied, I realized I was thirsty. I decided to go back out, just two blocks up to the local corner store to buy some more soda. Or Pop as they say here. As I walked in the dark cold, with a familiar comforting voice in my ear (from the phone) I thought of walking to walmart, which I decided I was going too. As I headed out on my trek, which is not that short of one, the cold got the better of me. I stood on the corner, thinking whether I should continue, and a man walked past me and smiled and said "not a good night to be walking huh?" "It could be worse" I replied. That made up my mind for me, I was not going to walk to walmart. I turned back, and went to the gas station and bought some soda and chips. As I walked home with my soda and chips, the darkness all around me, i started to laugh to myself. Here I was walking down an empty street at night, and I feared nothing. I did not fear someone trying to mugg me, I did not fear someone trying to beat me up. And that was strange. Because in the city, in some of neighborhoods I've lived, you can't walk at night, and if you do you must continually look over your back. But not here. Seems like the most dangerous I had to look out for walking home was the ice under my feet. That was the silent assassin that seemed to want to get me. As I got closer to home I noticed a car drive up Oak St. towards downtown. Then as I crossed the street and made my way up the driveway, it had turned around and came back up the opposite way. For a minute, maybe even half a second I thought, it's following me. If I was in the city, I would have hauled it inside as soon as possible. Not giving the car any chance of doing anything. But as I watched it turn on the street next to our house, I realized it really was just lost. It wasn't following me, it wasn't out to get me, it was just lost. I laughed to myself, funny how the city makes you so paranoid about things, things that these people around here take for granted. As I went in, once again the cat welcomed me with it's bell. I was warm and toasty once again. And as I think of the things I had to put up with in the city, I really am I am here now. No traffic, no constant news of killing and raping and burglary and other crime. I know it's happening, and I'm sure it does here too, but not on that big of a scale. And that's fine with me. But just the fact, just the fact that I still watch by back, I still look over my shoulder, tells me I am not from here. I am a city boy for life, that I cannot get out of me. The cliche applies to me then too, you can take me out of the city, but you can't take the city out of me.

Open Invitation

Ok, so King Kong has come out, and I've been wanting to see it. So I'm going tomorrow. If anyone wants to go with, be at the Metropolitan Theatre in Iowa Falls, IA around 7:05 pm (movie starts at 7:15pm) tomorrow (December 21st 2005). It's free popcorn day too.

If no one shows up, that's cool.
I am not above going by myself folks!

red headed stranger

i originally posted this October 14th, but just briefly. then I took it off for some reason. so now I am reposting it. i figure its a thought that should not be denied others.

you know, i had a conversation with my cousin the april the other day, and I have been thinking a lot about that topic since then. we were driving down the highway here in Iowa, which is basically farmland, and I was playing some Willie Nelson in the car. We got to talking about many things, but because I heard Willie, I could not help but think of my dad. Or "Papi" as I knew him. Everytime I hear Willie Nelson, I can't help but think of my dad. I don't know if it's the fact that my dad resembled him a bit, or the fact (like april pointed out) that my dad was a avid Willie Nelson listener. Or it could be the fact that my dad, much like Willie Nelson in his wilder days, was a drinker and a smoker, and a bad father to some of his children. But still, I don't really know what the connection between the two is. While listening to the song "Always On My Mind" April said that song reminded her of Ronnie (what everyone called my dad, short for Ronald). The lyrics speak loudly about a person, who because of some reason treated another person in a way he didn't intend too. So he is confessing the things he "didn't" do, only to come back and say that even though he didn't do much positive things, that person was "always on my mind" or in other words in his thoughts. And I had to agree, part of that did remind me of my dad also. See I knew my dad like this. He was a alcoholic, and a smoker and a talented and gifted artist, sculptor and carpenter. He had his bad, and he had his good. Like most people. But what proved to be too hard for my dad to control was his addiction. He could not control his drinking problem. Too many times, and too many memories do I have of my dad being drunk at home, and either throwing something or making the cops come out to our house. These are some of the only memories I have of him, this is the only man I ever knew. When my dad wasn't drinking though, he was a very great guy. He cared about others, from what I heard he had a good sense of humor, and he could skip rocks very well. I guess I get that from him. But once again, that was not the man I came to know. So as I grew up and learned from his example of "what not to do with your life" I have recieved many influences that have combated his legacy that he passed on. And going back to the song, April said that she thinks thats how he felt. He knew he was a bad father, he knew he didn't treat us and our mom well, he knew all of that, and I know he hated himself for it. They say there's no one more honest then a drunk, so when he would call, drunk and go into his speech about how bad of a father he was and how he was never there for us, and how he was sorry about this and sorry about that, I understood. He felt utter remorse, he felt that pain, down to the day that he died I'm sure. He knew what he "didn't" do and was very sorry about it. And I guess there's nothing else I can do then to forgive him. I do forgive him. He lived with that pain and anguish for so many years, he didn't deserve any maltreatment from me or my brother and sister. And that's not easy, part of me wants to be bitter because of what I never got, a normal childhood, a loving father that imparts wisdom to be used later on in life. I could be very angry with him for not giving me many, if any positive things to carry on in life. But I just have to remember that his addiction was just too strong for him. It was so strong it took everything from him, his wife, his family, and ultimately his life. It's funny sometimes, if I think and concentrate very hard, sometimes I can still hear his voice, the memory is still there in my head. Apologizing for everything he never did, and all the things he should have been. I don't know if it's a "Bell" thing, but it seems that when ones in my family get painted in a corner, when there seems like no hope is there, they give up and self destruct. They accept defeat and pout. They don't learn from it, they don't take that knowledge and try again, the just sit and fade away. And that's where I think I differ. I don't want to say I'm a huge go- getter, but I will work for something if I want it. I have hope, I have goals, I have things I want to do. If I fail, then I fail, but I won't give up. I have been there, down in the dumps where my dad was, and I (with help from a close friend) pulled myself out of that. I chose to better myself, or atleast to try. Try try try. Even if you don't win, try. My dad never did that, he never tried to reconcile anything from the past, he would just pout and apologize about it. He would just live in his self created pity factory, and feel sorry for himself. And yes I have been there too. I have been to the lowest point of my life, and I have bounced back. Why? I don't honestly know. I guess that's where me and my dad differ. Where he would feel pity, I atleast try to fix it. I think that has to do with being raised by my brother in law, who is a no excuses type of guy. Hardworking and no nonsense. I like to think that maybe just a tiny amount of his work ethic rubbed off, and that helps me combat the "self pity" gene that us Bells seem to have. Plus I think of my mother. Maybe I make her into a woman of "mythic" proportions, but that's what she is to me. She was and is a hero, a example of toughness beyond any other. I try to be that way in certain things, and not feel sorry for myself. What makes me so special right? But one thing I have to remember is that she loved my dad. They loved each other. From what I hear from my aunt is that my dad loved my mother more then anything, and when he lost her it crushed him. Part of me wants to say he loved his addiction just as much though, but then when she died, in his mind he was left with nothing else to hang on for. I guess us kids weren't enough, the addiction was much too strong. He drank to forget, and while the more he drank, the more neglect he made. He had continued to paint himself in a corner, and then he self destructed. Just like that. But like I said, that's something I have come to know and understand. So now as I get older, and maybe within a couple years think about finding my own wife, I have his example. I hope, and I'll try my hardest not to be the husband and father I knew him as, the stranger I hardly knew. Hopefully I can be a little bit more like the earlier Ronnie, the one who at sometime loved to live and lived to love.

picture by apryldawwn. spikey hair by CRG. veggies by God.

Many faces, and shades of Roberto

Well this post is dedicated to Ruben. :)

If you have paid ANY attention to any of my posts, you have learned that I have fallen in love with zipper shirts. Being that it is quite cold outside, even though the house is warm and toasty, these are great to wear inside the house. Warm and fashionable? How cool is that?! Anyways, here's my collection thus far.

Monday

Wearing the Green and white stripe from Aeropostale. Great buy at $4.99!

Tuesday

Wearing the Navy Blue with White trim. Walmart special at $15.00!

Wednesday

My favorite. The coffee color with the cream. A great buy from Old Navy at $20.00!

Thursday

I like this one too. My white and green with yellow trim.

Friday

Wearing the Red/Maroon with white trim from Aeropostale. Another deal at $4.99!

Saturday

Saturday is all about the original (the first one I have ever bought) Back in Black!

Sunday

Sunday? Why don't I have one for Sunday? It's sabbath! And I need a day off, it's hard work looking this good! ha!

silly little poem for a girl i kinda like

I've never been that good at math
going only as far as geometry in high school
I guess you could say I'm wading in the shallow end
the kid's side of man's proverbial gene pool

and I was never good at shuffling cards
I never quite got that down pact
as hard as I tried, the cards just lied
in a uneven, unorganized stack

you should see me hit a golf ball
I take to it like I'm using a baseball bat
I swing and swing, but don't hit a thing
And the golf ball never leaves the driving mat,

And have you seen my dancing?
I seen more rhythm in a epileptic patient
My arms just flail, as my legs just fail,
I couldn't buy good moves, even if I used next month's rent

so what I guess I'm trying to say is,
there are things I just can't achieve
and no matter how much I practice and try
I just accept it and force myself to believe

But there is one thing I do quite well
one thing I know just how to do
I may not be a pro at anything else
but I'm pretty good at liking you.

Tonight, I was on Fire

Quite Literally.

See when your working in a steel mill like I do, you get used to things happening, that others would deem "unsafe." But to me and the other guys I work with, it's just another day at work.

For example tonight. I was welding a joist, and when I was finished I smelled a very recognizible odor. The odor of something burning. Now you would think with all the dirt and cigarette smoke, and welder smoke I would have a hard time smelling anything. But this is not true. You smell it right away, it's a very different smell then the ones you are used too. So the first thing I do? Check my clothes. Am I on fire? Too many times the sparks off the welder hit your clothes and start to burn. And it is slow burn, one that doesn't always make itself known. I remember smelling that smell for almost an hour, until finally the guy next to me figured out his pants had been on fire for the whole time.

I guess whats funny to me is the difference in this job, in contrast to my old jobs. How I used to get SOOO worked up and frustrated over a irate "user" that I had to speak to over the phone. How I used to hate going to work, because of the "users" and their lack of technical savvy. But now? Now I catch on fire. And what's funny about that is my reaction should be this:

"AHHH!!! I'm on fire! OMG! I'm on FREAKIN FIRE!!!" (I would run around and smack the flames, and maybe even exercise the Stop Drop and Roll technique)

But in reality this is my reaction:

(I smell burning and calmly check my clothes for any thing, like for example tonight my sweatshirt was burning and I say)"Ah man, I'm on fire again. AGAIN! that's two nights in a row. (sigh, while slowly putting out the flame)

it's just funny to see how far I have come. how much I have changed.

oldie but goodie

I remember the first time I heard the song, I was working at Circuit City in the music department. The song instantly caught my ear, that soulful voice, that jazzy bluesy feel to it.

you have not lived until you have heard "Once Upon a Time" by Robert Bradley's Blackwater Suprise.

the life and death of senor campana

but considering i work in a steel mill, and work as a welder, I say take 20 years off that number.

Insight from the Past

Found this in a old post from last year. Made me smile, considering things lately:)

http://soupycannon.blogspot.com/2004/12/for-becks.html

haze

well i just woke up. i came down stairs to a quiet house, one that is still chilly by the outside air. i put on my zipper shirt thingy and sat down on the couch. the conversation I had with my sister just before I got up seems like part dream, only the coughing and the hacking I did all the way through it remind me that it was real. I will be going to work tonight for the first night since Sunday night. I can not say I honestly feel ready to get back to work, but I fear that if I don't I will no longer have work to go to. Cruel world, when companies demand more of you then the bacteria in your body. I sit here and strive to think of something that I could write that would make the perfect post. I long to write the perfect thing. I am forever chasing the perfect expression of my thoughts. Maybe it is not possible with the English language, maybe it's not possible with any language. So many thoughts have been passing through my head these last few days. As Ruben put it, seems like my mind is swimming in a vat of once was and what is yet to be. Of strength and of weakness. For once I might actually understand how Mike feels, how the channels keep changing in my head, and I am not the one with the remote. How most of my awake hours are filled with channel snow, only to look out the window and have my real world filled with actual snow. My mind has been a haze the last few days, and the days have seemed to melt away, as the ice outside still piles up. I feel stressed over my job situation, over my life situation, over every possible situation. I fight with what thoughts I can focus on, but most of them I just let go. I let them fight their own battles, on another day, at some later time. Sleep seems to be the only time that I feel better, when I dont cough, and hack and try to keep from throwing up my McDonalds. I recieve no pity, and I get a bit bitter about that. But then my mind thinks that I deserve none in the first place, seeing as there are others out there much worse then me. I wonder about tomorrow, but realize that it will bring the same. I wish I could stay in tonight, but I realize that's not possible. It's just not possible.

welcome back friend

Me: Yo! Where in @$@# have you been?

McRib: well you know...

Me: yeah i know how it is. so are you back then?

McRib: yeah, looks like it.

Me: sweet, are you back at your mom's house?

McRib: Yeah, but not for long. It's kinda freaking me out...

Me: I bet, having her asking you where you going and all that crap

McRib: exactly, I'm not used to getting the 3rd degree when I get home,

Me: yeah it sucks. well bro, give a call later, we'll do something.

McRib: cool, gotta be cheap, im low on the fundage

Me: No problemo, we can get cheap bite to eat. maybe Micky D's

McRib: how about chinese?

Me: even better.

McRib: alright cool, let me know.

Me: sweet. laterz bro.

McRib: Peace.

when i find all of the reasons
maybe I'll find another way
find another day
with all the changing seasons,
of my life
maybe I'll get it right next time.

random old notebook poetry

so everything changes once again
that strong wind has blown
am I back to my old self?
ofcourse its the regression that is clearly shown.

no inspiration comes now
that flare isn't there
I could write about what to do
but I don't know what that is.

I think I'm starting not to care
and that frightens me a little
how did I come so far?

is she good for me?
am I good for her?
is it the right time?
to keep close or deferr,

I just can't think straight,
my mind is not with my heart,
try to keep them together,
too often they get torn apart.

am I slowly starting to love her,
is that something I'm allowed to do
would we ever be together,
just us two?

************************************

its hard to tell in this weather
thinking how wet and cold
they're stopped
but we keep getting old

and the guitar plays on
as it always does
my thoughts focus on here
that thought of love

is it my place to love her
should i let her be
is it selfish to want her
not only for a friend, but for me

its a hard situation
but I enjoy her so very much
how can I just forget her
forget her touch

I don't have to think
I only have to do it,
she's right in front of me
what more can I ask?

"I'll see you again in another life... when we are both cats."

found this on a old email I sent to Sully when I learned she was sick with flu:

"And your sick? Yeah that flu is really bad, I hope you feel better, take care of yourself. Rest and eat soup and drink hot tea. I think that helps. Yeah, Poor you. Atleast your mom and family will take care of you, when I get sick, I got no one, just got the cat. And hes not too good at making soup."

funny how it was back then. now though, i dont even have the cat to take care of me. I guess now that I am feeling sick, I shall die alone. Nice knowing you all.

random thoughtless thoughts

As I write this I sit on the love seat here in the living room. I am home from work, feeling sick with a headache and the beginning signs of what could be the flu. It is cold outside, everything covered in snow from the slight blizzard we appear to be having. I am not used to snow, that is obvious. But even though I lack the experience of the locals around here, Id like to think I appreciate it much more. Because I am not used to it, I see much more beauty in it. How it covers over everything, how it can make even the ugliest and dirtiest of mans creation appear white and clean. Almost innocent. I actually long for a long cold winter, just so I can experience what everyone keeps telling me as what "used to be" How the winters back when they were young, and how much different they are now. I pray this winter is not out of character and that it proves to be one of old.

And if you think that I am avoiding talking about the latest news about me by talking about snow, then you be correct. But that is my right. It is my blog, and I have the power. So if you dont like it, poopy on you.

Its just some parts of the news are sensitive, and I dont know if its right to share. I think I will have to get the OK before I decide to post any info. I am not one for asking permissions, but in this case, the subject matter means a very great deal to me, and I dont want to do anything against that.

Confused yet? I think I am. My head is feeling clouded just thinking about it. I drank a Cherry Pepsi, so maybe that will help. I think a bean and cheese taco from La Cocinita would really help me think straight. As Steph said, if only they could invent teleporting.

I now have six zipper sweatshirts. I feel like I should be the poster child for them. Maybe endorse them as my favorite type of clothing. I laugh when I think back to my early days of owning just one. How did I survive back then? Without the choice of color or style?

Old Navy jeans are the best for me. Although some of you might prefer Levis or Lee Dungarees or even Express, I have decided Old Navy jeans are my promise land. They fit my body style just right, tight in all the right places. If only I could have more pairs.

I need a haircut. I long to shave off my hair, and leave a short buzz look. But then again, I think maybe a long look would be nice.

I think about one day owning a home here in Iowa Falls. I still stick to the thought of not knowing what to do with all the space I would receieve, but then again I know I would come up with ways to clutter it. I would find ways to fill rooms with all kinds of decoration and color. To have my own place would be nice, a place to come home to. A place where I could fill the cabinets with zebra cakes, and all sorts of unhealthy trans fat filled snacks. A place where I could be warm and toasty on the couch, and know it was all mine. Or Ours.

Speaking of that, today I suprised myself. As we (me, mike, apryl and lily) were driving I was talking about something. Making a joke, I pointed to a house and said, "and that's where we will live, were going to buy that house. the owners dont know yet, but we are going to live there." I laughed at the silliness of my thought, but then shuddered at the fact that I had used the word "we" instead of "i" Already somehow assuming that I will have a significant other. Hmmm. Funny how the mind jumps so far into the future that you cant even see it from a high height. That thought will be thoroughly analyzed, I promise.

Talked to Steph. Good to hear she is doing good. Actually her visit somehow gave me a different impression of her. A good one though. I hope she is doing well. Anyone who can put up with me for a week deserves to be doing well.

Well that is all for now. Hope everyone is warm and safe wherever they might be.

Back

I'm back. A lot has happened since my last post. I'll explain later.

Rrrrrah!

Heregy! Heregy!....rrrah!

I have called you together on this day, the 11th day of November the 11th month in the year 2005 to make this announcement..chaa! From this day forth, let each 11 day of this month be known as:

James Hetfield Day...shaah!

Why? Why not? Nothing better to do...chaa!

What celebrations do we have planned?....rrraah!

None in particular. Just the fact that everything you say on this day has to end in a rrrah! or ccchaaah! or yaah! or any agressive sounding noise, much like anything James Hetfield sings. that is all....chaa!

hello darkness my old friend

Six in the morning. Been up all night at work. Almost got attacked by a german shepard dog on the walk home. Its 40 degrees outside and windy. I go to sleep as the sun is coming up. I can see the coming dawn as I lay on my bed and look out the windows. I go to work when its dark, I leave work when its dark, and I try to fit some living in between. i know this schedule all too well. the stars here are amazing. they alone make it all worth while.