Top Shelf Thoughts of Love

tonight we went to a sneak preview of the movie "fever pitch" with jimmy fallon and drew barrymore. I enjoyed it, it was funny and all, but I can't help but say their on screen chemistry isn't quite...well...good. I mean they get along and everything, but it seemed a bit forced. I much prefer Adam Sandler with Drew Barrymore. I don't know why, but ever since "The Wedding Singer" they have just been perfect together. "50 First Dates" was the icing on the cake. That was such a great movie, stupid yes, but very very good. Better then I ever imagined. Maybe Adam Sandler reminds me of me, and Drew Barrymore? Hmmm...I only think of one girl when I think of her. My friend Allison Henslee. Well now Allison Glenn. She's been married for years now, and lives somewhere in Colorado. I know she wasn't my first GF, but she certainly was my first love. I didn't know girls could be like she was, and she truly stands out in my mind. I heard she might possibly be single again, single not at your own fault, I'm not completely sure, and I hope she is happy, but I've heard rumors. I hope they are not true, because I honestly hope she is truly happy. My brother teases me about her, saying that I would marry her in a instant if she became single again. He said he knows I have had a thing for her from the very beginning (I'm talking like 11 years old). And well, I can't say I wouldn't. I don't know, but just maybe I would. I can't honestly say no. Not to her.

Now eventhough this was a "romantic comedy" about a couple, and most people that were in the theatre were "couples" it usually doesn't bother me. But tonight it did just a bit. I don't know why either, because even though I hang out with married couples, I'm usually completely ok with it. After the movie we went to a place called Cha Cho's which is pretty much known for the strongest, tastiest Margaritas in all of San Antonio. These things, are super strong. They don't mess around with Rum, they just drown it Tequila. I had a Jumbo Top Shelf one (the biggest strongest they have) and we sat there and talked like we usually do. The place was packed full of people, most coming from the Spur's game (haha you suck Lakers). But as I was sitting there drinking my Margarita and letting the tequila enter my blood stream I noticed a specific mexican girl. She had a pink shirt on, not the hot pink, but the nice pale pink. She wasn't very dark, but not very light skinned either, but an nice in between color. The pink actually made her look even prettier there, as she sipped her margarita from across the way. I would take a sip and sneak a look in her direction, she was talking to her friends, the music was loud, so I'm sure she never even noticed my looks. Not that she would acknowledge them anyways. She wasn't the prettiest girl there, she wasn't the pretties girl I have ever seen, but something about her, maybe how her hair lie on her face, how she didn't have tons of makeup on, but just enough to accent her pink shirt. Something about her, I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the Margarita. Either way I sat there and sent looks in her direction every minute or two. She was with friends, and a guy was sitting across from her. I don't know if this was her boyfriend, husband, brother, cousin, whatever, I don't know. But I didn't care either. She was there for the looking, but not the taking. I did nothing. I didn't go talk to her, I didn't smile if she looked at me, I didn't do a damn thing. Just look and admire. But as I looked I imagined me and her together, spending time with each other, laughing and spending our entire lives together. In a instant I had seen our wedding and our anniversary parties. We had two children and lived in a nice home. I thought of how life would be with her, as if she was mine, and I was hers. I didn't even know her name. I couldn't even hear her voice. She got up with her friend and made her way to get another margarita, as she walked right by me I just did that, watched her walk by. Later I went to get another drink, but she wasn't in line still, and as I walked back to my seat I noticed she was already back at her table, talking with her friends, and that guy. I took a long deep breath, and then we decided to leave. As I drove home, I felt a bit empty. Eventhough I enjoy being single and having my space, I have to admit, there are times that I really wish I had someone. Someone to talk too, someone to share my thoughts, someone that cares for me, the same way I care for them. I don't have that person. As I drove home, and I was turning on my street, I heard the radio playing a song I remembered. "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. The beginning guitar solo fit my thoughts so well. I thought in the moment, and I couldn't deny the thought. I wish I had somebody. A female to love, to like, to share a beer with, to have a margarita and dinner with. To just got to Ihop at 2 or 3 AM and talk about life with. I do not have that person in my life. I have "her" but it is so uncertain, and besides that she is in Houston and not here. I feel lonely sometimes, I know it's weird to hear me say that, but I do. I, Robbie, do get lonely. As much as I can handle myself and being independent and on my own, I do get lonely. I do long for companionship. As I got out of the car, it hit me. I had no one like this, and it was because of me. This things, these relationship aren't just given to you, you have to go and get it, and once you do, you have to cultivate it and nourish it. And I have not been doing that. So as I walked in my apartment, and no one was there to greet me or hug me or give me a welcoming kiss, I knew it was just me. Just me. And as I type this, I know it's just me. I can handle it now, I can deal with now. Every once in a while like tonight it gets to me, but tomorrow I will brush it off and feel ten times better. I'll be back to independent me, the single me. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe not. I do enjoy being single, but I do enjoy company of someone who cares for me the same as I care for them. I would love for someone to love me back the way I'm willing to love them. But for now, I will just type in this blog, my words will be here tomorrow for me to look at and laugh. For now I will survive, I always have, and I will. The night was long, and the margaritas were strong.