past rantings and ravings

i found this in a microsoft file on my personal file here at work. I think i had to be 18 or 19 when i wrote all this. it's funny i admit, some of the thinking i had back then. about time, love, girls, one in particular at the time. i guess some thoughts have changed, matured, and some still apply. either way i look back and cringe. here it goes, this is ultra personal, but i'm not afraid to share:

My Rant
This is my rant...yes this is mine. Because i’ve seen a lot in my little existence. Somethings i will never forget, others i try to forget everyday. You see because i have this war going on in me, the war of good and bad. The same old thing, what i do is not what i want to do. But then in complete contrast, everything i want to do, is exactly what i dont do. So a miserable man i am, well sort of. My life so far has been hard on the mind and easy one the body. I say this because i haven’t had to put a lot physical exertion into my life, but the mental exercise i’ve had to have is beyond compare. The worst part about it is i never asked for any of this. Not saying i wish that i was never born, because that’s not the case, but what I’m saying is that how can so much happen to one person. I think my life has been unfair, but i also know many, many other people have much much worse scenarios than me, so by no means am i special or deserve some pity or special attention. But I’m just stating a fact, my life has not been easy. And anyone who says otherwise is wrong. But to tell you the truth, i wouldn’t have it any other way. I take pride in my problems and troubles, why? I really dont know, but i do. And i know im not suffering alone. There are so many others out there, with such larger predicaments that dwarf mine. I dont want pity, i do not care for those violins, i just want to get this off my chest. So this is my rant. Like it or not.

Girls
Ladies, ladies, I like the ladies. I haven’t had the best track record though. I mean dont get me wrong I’ve had some pretty good relationships with the females, but nothing really ever seemed to last. This last one was going good, but she just wanted to get to serious. Not saying i was never serious, but what does that mean? Serious? Does that mean you have to buy her a ring right after you learn their favorite food and color? What is a good definition of getting serious with a girl, i guess it would mean to be at the point where you are ready to get married and spend your life with a certain person. And that was just not me, i have problems dealing with myself, i figure, how could i spend my whole life with someone. I think it is possible for me, but i really have no idea how to tell it when im ready. I mean its not that im going around and am with all these women, and thats the reason why i dont want to settle down. It’s not that at all, i have no women, there is none. Ok maybe one, but that really is wishful thinking. Something that the odds are so much against, that i never really even think that it would ever work. I’ve known her for about 7 years now. She is the ultimate woman for me. She knows me very well, and some points it seems like she knows what I am thinking. But she is out of reach. She always has been. Maybe I make her that way. Either way, times are weird. You see me and her had a large fallout at end of last year, and we hadn’t talked in a while. I’d say a good couple of months. She didnt feel like dealing with me, and well i didnt really care. So she got to know another guy. They were together, and after a while me and her settled our differences. But their's didnt last, which is weird cause it seems like all the relationships that we have with other people never last, although our relationship seems to have gone through pure hell, and came out fine. I dont understand how it can be like that, how two people can go through things like that and not come out all jacked up, but we did. Somehow we did and we continue to do so. It’s weird, i have been so mad at her at times, times that i just wanted to give up on her, frustrated about how she acted, or how i thought she acted, but i never could hate her. I’ve tried, and it never seems to work, i just end up liking her more. That’s good for her, but it makes me miserable. And i see us together, but i somehow i don’t think she does. It’s sad i know, but thats how life goes right? Sure that’s how it always goes. And I’m so tired of hearing that...thats the way life goes....why! Why does life always have to go that way...!! why can’t it be going good for once!! Why must i try and justify how life sux with the simple “that the way it is” ...who governs whether it will be this or that....oh wait i already know the answer to that question. But there is so much more to be said about girls, but i neither have the time or the stomach to get into it....so that is all i have.

Love.
Man this is the hardest one for me. Growing up i just never really learned the meaning of it very well. I mean I know what it is...or i think i know what it is.. but it’s still hard for me to show it. Actually its very easy for me to say i love someone...but to mean it is different. Like i said i know i love her. How do i know? Because i dont really think about myself when im with her. I mean i dont really think what i can get out of the relationship, i really just want her to be happy. Even if she is not with me. And i’ve proven that. I’ve really tried not to get jealous at all when she has had a boyfriend. Its not easy of course, but i look at it like this....i want her to be happy no matter what, so if she is happy with someone else, who am I to question that? If i went against that and tried to boss her around or tell her that she could only be with me, do you think she would ever think about talking to me or even be my friend? I dont think so....so really acting the macho part would defeat what little purpose i have.

“It doesn’t make me cry to hear dylan say, most likely you’ll go own way....i’ll go mine, i’ll go mine, i’ll go mine.” Today its cloudy again...nice and cold... I love it. I saw her on Sunday, i was cleaning the bathroom and she was helping out vacuuming. We were talking about putting up with me. I said any woman who could put up with me deserves and award. And she does. She put up with me for years now. Man, i love her so much. How can i get over this? How can i get this girl out of my head. And I get scared about losing her, I dont know why? Maybe the more scared I get, the more I push her away. Im selfish in all the wrong areas. I never allow myself to have anything good, something that would actally benefit myself. Always the negative, always the bad. I guess I think i dont deserve it, her. But I do and I even think she knows that. We deserve each other. But of course that will be proven in time. But havent we already proven some of that? I mean I actually starting talking to her when she was 14 and I was 17. That was pretty much damned from the beginning. They all said whatever we had, whether friendship or anything more would just wither away. And we had our fights, yes we did. But we are still going. I think if it can last when we were too young for it to last.. then it surely will do better as the time goes on. And we will become closer. But i think its going to come down to whether if me and her make a conscience effort to make it into something more. And its strange, because I wonder why she hasnt tried it with me yet. Does she know that we might mess it up if we try it too early? Does she think that way? I could ask her, maybe she’s trying to save it for later. Maybe she hasn’t given it much thought. I really dont know, and I’m to chicken to ask. I guess Im stuck doing the hardest thing. Waiting. Wait and see what developes. I was told that when you find that someone then “you’ll know” and then you’ll be ready. Have i found her already? Or have i got a lot more searching to do? Is the girl of my dreams the woman who sits accross from me at work? At church? How can I tell? This youth is hard, its horrible. Now I know why kids want to become adults so much...so they can get out of this teenage years of confusion. I guess Im somewhat impatient...i just want to know who i’ll end up already...i guess thats not impatient, its more like lazy. I want to know who im going to end up with...so then its already done for me, and i wont have to work and go through all the craziness that comes along with it. I can’t look her in the eyes. I have a hard time doing it. I guess I’m just a little nervous, not so much giddy, but just nervous. I’m afraid if i look her in the eye, then I’m not going to be able to stand it. I’d end up just telling her everway i feel about her, how i think she is the best thing that has happened to me, how after we fight i try to hate her, but I just end up loving her more. How I think about her everyday, wonder if we will ever be something more, how I just admire her, and I’m proud of her, how it pains me when she feels sad or lonely...just how I would like to be with her every waking second....how i would try to just make her the happiest person on this earth. And how I ask nothing back from her, I do things for her because I want to, unselfishly and true. It hurts when I think of the possibility of her being just beyond my grasp. It hurts when you want something for so long, and you put your time and energy into attaining it...and you just fall short.. I can’t look her in the eyes. I’d end up seeing something I have wanted so bad, and I haven’t been able to get. That would be too much for me right now. But I’m not giving up hope. I still have myself and my plans. Like I said, time will tell whether something will happen between me and her. For the time being, I just swallow my feelings and put them away....I have work to do, and she does too...but i still have hope for us....maybe in the future someday I’ll get what i’ve wanted, maybe the friendship will turn into something more, I really can’t say right now. I’ll know someday in the future. But for now I’m happy just wondering.


Time
Have i wasted my time on this earth. Ofcourse I have. I think i have wasted so much time on this planet. I think of where i could be, of course i do. Because people never think of how to get there, they just think of themselves already there. I guess its the laziness. I usually dont think of ways i could get there, or what steps i can take to reach my goal, i just automatically want to get there. I know its hard to plan out a whole line of steps one has to take to reach a goal, and sticking to the steps is even harder. But I just wonder where i could be if i would have made changes earlier in life. Maybe i wouldnt weigh as much as I do, maybe i would be better looking, maybe i would be making better money. But i guess it does no good to wonder about it. The more time i spend wondering about it, is the more time that im wasting, and not moving to accomplish the goal itself. Goals, their hard, but their great when you actually reach them.

Friends
They are important to me, of course. But I remember one thing my uncle Joe told me years ago. He told me flat out “friends won’t pay your bills” and really they wont. Well maybe they will, but not for long. But they definitely are good things to have. I can remember sometimes that without friends i dont think i would have made it....they helped me that much. I like friends because they constantly help me better myself. They point out things about me that i can improve on, things i guess the little self-pride i have wont let me admit. But that’s the best way. Honesty. Above all friends need to be honest. And that is one of the hardest things to be. And you think, well i dont want to be mean, but yes, be mean. Sometimes the bitter truth is what people need to hear. I know i like the truth, dont lie to me, i’ll start second guessing you the minute you do. Or atleast I’ll try to.