the war between heart and mind

and so rages on this eternal war
the likes the world hasn't see before
those constant battles unlike any other kind
this internal war, between heart and mind

heart struck first, with blunt emotional force
and attempted to knock mind off it's course
but mind  held true with it's precise logical equations
showing foresight, intelligence, and the utmost patience

heart tried again with unending will
but mind held to it's counter strike still
mind struck second, attempting to confuse the heart
but heart was strong, and would not easily be torn apart

heart became desperate and tried to seduce it's foe
mind  your missing out! there's so much good you don't know!
mind, reviewing it's strategy, brought forth what weapons it required
but the weapons  proved useless, without the heart's desire

and so both continued to war, waiting for the day
when those struggles and those conflicts would all pass away
only proving the ever apparent conclusion, be it bitter and or true
that no war or battle can be won, without the unity of the two.

 

I wrote this last year sometime. I was trying to explain how your mind says one thing and your heart says another. So not only do you have to deal with the external war of everyday life, you have to deal with the internal warfare of yourself. I hope I conveyed what i was trying to. Hope all is well.

live-in skin

take your payroll
and your lottery
there’s a place I know
there’s a robbery

and I swear I’ll never tell
if you swear you’ll never tell
and we’ll all make out so well
we will all make out so well

head on with my hate
into the lights ahead
i’m amazed that I’m still standing
and I demand that we all blend in

i’m amounted

just the same old Glitter story
from the sea floor
metamorphosis
and I can’t change back for you
i will not change back for you
i must live in skin that’s new
i’m a livid skin that’s new

turn your insides out to the outside
turn the outside in to the inside
trade your outside in for the inside
turn it around again

i’m amounted

and I can’t change back for you
no I can’t change back for you

-D. Grohl

monday once more

well folks another monday, another week to start. the weekend went by quite quickly. didn' t do much out of the norm, just saturday went to a friends house warming party. other then that it was the basic weekend. saw "I-Robot" yesterday. would have to say that I liked it. great special effects, good action, cool car. But once again, here I am. My desk needs to be cleaned. I think I need to take my "APU" home. It's the big machine gun robot they used in the 3rd installment of the matrix movies. I got it at KB Toys for about 10 bucks  a couple of months ago and it's been here on my desk ever since. I'll have to take some pics of my desk and post them on here sometime. That way you can see where I am at when I write on this thing.  Well I guess I'm at a loss of words today, guess it's just to early to think.  Guess I'll put some lyrics from a song I love. Reminds me of some familiar things. Well hope everyone is doing well, be safe. Adios.

sweetness follows

readying to bury your father and your mother
what did you think when you lost another
I used to wonder why did you bother
distanced from one
blind to the other

listen here
my sister and my brother
what would you care if you lost the other
I always wonder why did we bother
distanced from one
deaf to the other

oh oh but sweetness follows

It’s these little things
they can pull you under
live your life filled with joy and wonder
I always knew this altogether thunder
was lost in our little lives

It’s these little things
they can pull you under
live your life filled with joy and thunder
yeah, yeah, we were altogether
lost in our little lives

oh oh ah
oh oh oh oh but sweetness follows

it just keeps getting better

well it's friday. finally. good to be here. sort of. see life just wasn't through with me yet. see when i was driving home lastnight from work, my car started overheating. It has done that in the past and i checked the fluids and all that, and it hasn't acted up in a while and has been pretty dormant. well yesterday it decided to wake up. it overheated quite fast, sending the "check engine" light on. i was almost home so i decided to just make it home, then I would check it out and let it cool down. i was right up the street when I heard a big "pop" sound come from under the hood. looked like something exploded, steam and white smoke coming out of the hood like it was on fire. Have you ever seen Back to the Future part III? At the end when the train is overheating and bolts are flying off, and smoke is coming out everywhere? Yeah just like that. minus the hoverboard. well i made it home, but it was already getting dark, so i had to let it cool before I tried to open it. water and coolant were all over the hood and the bumper, so  something exploded. when I finally got to open it, i saw that the upper hose connecting the radiator and the engine itself had completely exploded. it was just too hot for it handle. so ok, not too bad just a hose. well not really. what made it heat up so much that the hose broke? i narrowed it down to either the fan not turning on to cool it, or the thermostat is sticking and not regulating the temperature correctly. hopefully it's one of those. well i used kevin's car to get to the auto parts store before they closed. they said they had a hose there. they looked, they didnt have it. ok. its 10 at night. no other stores are open. got to wait until the morning. this morning, went to a few auto part stores, they to said they had it, but when they looked, they couldn't find it. so after the third store, finally found it. put it on and put some more coolant in the radiator. I had to be into work by 12 today so i made sure I left early just in case. Best Idea of the Day. I didn't make it to work. It started doing the same thing, overheating, the check engine light came on, all that good stuff! So i was almost at work, I could see my building! but I had to pull off and let it cool down. Well it didn't start up again. So I just locked it up, left it and walked the rest to work. And it is hot here. Not fun to walk to work in jeans at noon in South Texas. I don't recommend it. So now, I had it towed to a mechanic that my sister uses, just so he can see what it might be. But you know it's just funny. It never ceases to amaze me how life is. It's like I never catch a break. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, because I'm sure I've contributed to some of my own problems. But it's just amazing, how things can be so crazy. My car breaks down and I lose my job, in the same week! Maybe if I was married my wife would have left me too. A guy here at work said I sound like a bad country song. Murphy's Law? Maybe a bit of that yeah. At this point, I just laugh. What else can there be? What else can life throw my way? Like I've always said, if I ever marry and have children (which might not be a good idea the way my life's been going) I will have plenty of stories to tell. Hey kids want to hear a story about your dumb dad when he was young? Most people have the saying "if it's not one thing it's another." I always say "if it's not one thing, it's 3 things." That seems to be more fitting. I just hope one day i can sit down and not have to worry about too many things. That I will have a little bit of money in the bank, a car that actually works in the driveway, and the woman i love in the kitchen. hahah...ok, ok, in my arms, that's better anyways. I think if my mom were here she would laugh, then she would hit me upside the head for being so menso. I think I'll get it right eventually, it will all work out someday. But until then stay tuned for more stories of the ridiculous and absurd life of me. I'm sure life isn't done with me yet, I think it's just getting warmed up. Adios.

Finally Some Closure (quite literally)

Well folks, my days here are numbered. As of yesterday, the big wigs here have decided to shut down the San Antonio site. So what does that mean for me? Well it means that as of the end of the year, December to be exact, I no longer work here. Nobody does actually. They are closing the whole entire site. 550 Employees gone, the building left for some other company to operate in. And you know, the whole situation is bittersweet. Part of me is saddened, I've been here for 6 years and have some good memories. On the other hand, I realize this job has made me crazy, so it will be good to move on and see what else is out there. I think more of older employees are more worried, since they have the families and the mortgage and the bills. Part of me is glad I don't have any of that, I think it will help me in making a smoother transition into whatever I do. Now the decision is what to do? I've been here for 6 years, so that means I'll get a pretty good severance package. Well actually I already got all the paper work, so it's just a matter of filling it all out and sending it in. So with that money, and whatever money I can save by December, will determine what I will do with myself. I actually have quite a bit of options. I could search for another job here, I could look in another city, I could move to Mexico! All these opportunities are quite possible, just depends on what I want and what I choose. So I guess as soon as I figure that out, then I will go from there. I'm not really nervous, you know this not really a surprise to any of us. I mean we have all been thinking that they were going to make a change here. There were the rumors, the whispers, everyone knew something was up. So to actually have a date, a confirmed day, is actually better. No wondering, no worrying, just a concrete date which to work off of.  And I'll be happy to close this chapter of my life and move on. There's many things I want to do and see, and maybe now with the free time I will have I can do and see them. I'm not a firm believer in the whole "things happen for reason" thing, I don't know anyone who really is. But this could be good for me. A time to mature and grow up some more. Be the person I really want to be. If not, then at least I don't have to work for a while, and I can sit at home and eat Mexican Doritos. MMMM....Mexican Doritos. Thank Heaven for Mexican Doritos. They have never let me down. 

Well I hope all is well in whatever part of the matrix your in. Adios.

"sounds like somebody’s got a case of the mondays"

 
Yeah I know how it is buddy.   

silvernail provokes thought otra vez

you know i was just reading a blog of a friend of mine, and wow, it made me think. it's not that it was very complex, but i dont know what it was. i wonder why i started this thing. to get my thoughts out? to write rants of past thoughts? for any reason really? I just don't know. i have always been the type to write down my thoughts, maybe just so i could get them out of my head. and i thought twice about this. i thought it might make me a little more vulnerable. do you every write down the thoughts in your head? not only that, but would you let just anyone read them? i guess when it comes down to it, i honestly don't care. it's not that i have anything profound, exciting or important to say, most of it is just ranting and rambling on. i've become a "human soundbox" just making noise. hehe. but you know, i'd  have to say that not all noise is bad. and sometimes, when you have been around the noise for so long, and suddenly your not, you actually miss the noise. i had people asking me about those emails that i used to send out. they liked reading them and they wondered why i stopped sending them out. so i guess they were worth something. they meant something to somebody. whether it provide comic relief, a different viewpoint, or just some sort of entertainment, that is ok by me.
 
you know the time is really passing by quickly these days. i have a hard time believing i'm already 24 years old. seems only yesterday that i was a teenager. and  you know i'm not where i want to be. have you ever felt like you were painted in a corner? like no matter how hard you try you just can't get out of this rut that you've gotten yourself into? part of me feels like that. the other day i went to the movies, and i saw some friends i hadn't seen in  few years. and its weird you know. they are both married (two couples) and the one guy is a few years younger then me. him and his wife seem to be doing good, they have a nice car, and i dont know if they live in a house or a  apartment. the other couple who are a few years older then me, they are doing really good. they have a really nice house (him and his dad built it) and they have a nice car (probably two or three). we  talked for a bit and they asked me how it was going. the same.  the brutal honest truth is that. the same. no better, actually probably quite a bit worse. i dont know what's happened with me. i just dont know. they are happy (or they seem that way), i mean maybe they are not. but you know, it just never ceases to amaze me how some people just seem to coast carefree through life. you know if you are born into a family with a mother and father, and they make a decent amount of money, its like you are default to have the same. his dad is a engineer, and ofcourse he is one to. how can that be? there's has to be some sort of complication there, some sort of fights or disfunction. but it never shows. i just dont know how that can happen. how some people just seem to have it going for them, and then others just have multiple bad things happen to them. like they are truly cursed to this life. i'm not completely speaking for myself either. i mean there are people out there who are good people but who just have it so bad. how can  that be? how? it just blows my mind. i honestly don't understand how society can serve up such different predicaments? mine, has been pretty bad, but it's by no means the worse. you know i haven't been dealt the most ideal hand, but it's something that can be improved upon.  and if it has not been, then that's my fault. i take responsibility for that. but it's a little disheartening to see those living it up. they don't even know that they are either. it's just something the have always known. must be nice. i sound like my dad. i remember him saying that all the time. to me that's just an excuse not to try. just to say must be nice, as if your never going to have anything the others have. i know i don't need any of that stuff.  i know it's not important, and in the bigger picture, it means nothing at all. but its still hard to see others having such a great time and you can just watch.  "i'd hate this place, if it weren't for the waves, if it weren't for the fact that you love it. where they measure a man on the money he spent, well my heart is not a bank statement."  well folks, i am a wee bit tired now, and tomorrow starts another week of wonderful work. you know i think i use too many commas. oh well. my blog, my commas. 
 
hope all is well wherever it is you lay your head down for rest.  long live rocco and mateo. goodnight. 

Take it to the Limit!!!!...haahhah..nevermind. 

well here i am. but i'm at home now. work was the same, not too bad actually. suprisingly bearable.  pretty uneventful day. this weekend the house is going to be extra quiet. kevin is in belton for the assembly and henry is still gone until tuesday. PARTY!! No not really. Actual this weekend I'm going to dedicate to cleaning up this dump. I need to finish my room and get the house to a presentable state. I have to mow the front and back yard (if i don't no one will) and clean the inside of the house pretty good. kevin already started on some of it, so it wont be too hard.  saturday matt said him and lina might come into town, so we might go to dinner later on. that should be nice. I don't know with everyone gone at the assembly, I'm going to have to find another hall to go to. i didn't even know it was assembly time already. with work so crazy and me planning for the mexico assembly i didn't even pay attention to the time.  i remember when i was younger, i counted down the days to the assembly.  and it wasnt to pay attention to the sessions. I mean i did, but to go the assembly meant to buy new clothes, stay in hotels, chill at the galleria in houston, and to meet girls. Or should i say  spend some quality time with the ones I already knew. I guess all the things the brothers said young boys do during the assemblies, we did. Well we weren't that bad. We stayed in our seats, we never roamed the halls during the session. We took notes, we looked up every scripture. We weren't as bad as we thought we were. But those times, those were good times.  The  Astrodome, the hoagies, the swiss miss pudding. Man I miss those days. They seem like they didn't even happen in my lifetime. They seem like I watched them on a tv show or something like that. I have to remind myself that I actually lived those days. I was such a nerd in those days (as opposed to nowadays). Did you know I actually had a purple suit jacket I wore to the assembly? Yup, dark purple jacket, black pants, and a matching black and purple tie. Can you imagine? A purple suit jacket! I think if i could go back in time, I would beat myself up for wearing that. The girls must have laughed so hard at me. Oh well. they were ugly anyway. hahah.... And now the assemblies are different. Different people, different country, almost different language (ok almost).  But they are still great. The one last year was very nice. It was nice and small, and a bit more personal. I enjoyed it very much. I hope this year will be the same. This summer is going by so fast, soon the assemblies will be over and they will be reviewing what learned in them. I actually wouldn't mind a little cold air. It's  been to hot so far, and I'm already ready for the colder season. Maybe it will snow? Maybe not. Who knows though? Weirder things have happened right? So I'm not ruling it out just yet. Maybe tomorrow I will.  well I figure i'll put something i wrote on here. I don't mean just ramblings either. I figure I would try to post things that I've written over time. Somethings aren't from the happiest of times, some are. So for the first one, I figure I won't put something really deep or thoughtful on here. But then again, I wanted to put something I really like. So this one is one of those. I one time read a book on a poet named William Blake. He is famous for many poems, but one that he wrote was called "The Tyger." It happens to be one of my favorite poems. In that book it had some comments and reviews from some critics about the poem. Some went into great detail of what they thought Blake was trying to convey by the poem. But one critic that commented differently. He stated that the poem, is in fact what he called "pure poetry." He stated that if the poem had a deeper meaning, then really only Blake would be the one to know what it was. By it being "pure poetry" it might not have any deeper meaning, any special significance, any cultural importance. It might just be thoughts that he had in his head, and he decided to put them down on paper. Those thoughts appealed to me. Usually when I write, I write for a reason, for something, or someone.  But I found the idea appealing, and realized that I had already written something like that. I had a poem that meant nothing to me. The ironic part is that I had a line in my poem that correlated with Blake's poem, look for it if you know his poem. But my poem, it holds no weight with me, no importance, no significance, no importance. It's just thoughts, words. I remember when I wrote it. It was when I was 17, I was at the computer late one night. I wasn't really thinking about anything important or anyone in particular. But I wrote it.  To most it might seem childish, to someone it might not make sense, and others just might thinks it's plain stupid. Others might like it, or just say they do because they dont understand it.  And you are all right. Because it's all those things. It's all those things, because I am all those things. I can be stupid, childish, and I can make perfect, and then no sense at all. Like I said, it means nothing to me, and I hope it means nothing for you to. Here it is:
 
so here we are at the end
not far from where we started
and although the many we did befriend
we ourselves have parted
 
the many that came
the many that left
they took our crown
and left us a frown
 
upside down, out of place,
forever lost, without a trace,
fallen down, cut on the knee,
stuck forever in a big tree,
 
test drove, but never bought,
thrown perfectly, but never caught,
hunched over, with enormous pain,
a highway with only one lane,
 
sought for, but never found,
a bolt of lightning sent to the ground,
a building, built completely of glass,
a raging storm, that soon will pass,
 
wind that can move a shopping cart,
a bullet sent straight to the heart,
the hero for the day, once again,
a lazy day spent in the den.
 
cuddling the one you love, next to the fire,
one these wings, i dare aspire,
alone, besides the company of my cat,
on my thrown is where i sat,
 
here once more, but not the same,
tired, tired of this ongoing game,
on faith and love it does depend,
and this last line is the end.
 
 
hope everyone is doing well wherever they may be. have a good weekend and be careful in whatever you might be doing. Adios! 

another day

another day here at the job. you know i think I sit in this chair more then I sleep in my bed. Today I just don't care. I've gotten a few calls so far, and they haven't been pleasant. I find myself not caring if their password is revoked, if they can't use their VPN, I just don't really care. I spoke with a lady today and she just made me sick to my stomach. Everything I asked her to do didn't work, all she kept saying was "no its not working" I wanted to reach through the one and strangle her. These user's are telling me, "hold on", "let me try this." NOOOO!! Don't TRY THAT! DON'T TRY ANYTHING! JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO AND SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH! Man this job is just driving me nuts. I'm slowly losing my mind! I think I'll be living up the street at the state hospital soon. I don't know I enjoy this job, but it's slowy killing me! hahah..I make it sound like I'm out in the sun picking lettuce or something. I'm sitting in a air conditioned room playing on a computer, big hard work! Well I guess I just needed to vent. These users are impossible, they are beyond stupid most of the time. And because of their ignorance and their pride, they are quick to lay blame. And who you might say do they blame? They bite the hand that feeds them. The very person that helps them is the one that they blame for their problems! We are here to help, and all we get is disdain and contempt. I swear it! Ahhh....this is driving me crazy. I despise this place! There are only few people who can sum up how I feel about this, and it's Agent Smith. Much like neo in the matrix, I'm stuck in a cube, which is on a square floor in a rectangle building on a geometrical grid! This is how I feel about this place:

Agent Smith: Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you. I hate this place, this zoo, this prison, this reality, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell. If there is such a thing. I feel.. saturated by it. I can taste your stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it, it's repulsive. I must get out of here. I must get free.

Nothing sums it up quite like that. I need to just do something else. I just don't know what. Well I'll live, but it's not the way I want. Hope every one else is doing better. Adios.

Numero Uno Post

Ok, so this is my first post. Am I excited? Not really. Ha Ha. Well I'm here at work, been here since noon, and will be here until 9 pm. Joy. Today has been a weird day. Got some new shoes. A bumper for my car. A nosebleed. I think I have cancer and I'm going to die. Not today, it's Friday. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. Oh yeah, I'm taking Henry to the airport. He's going to California for like 11 days. The house will be quiet. As if it is ever loud. Just me and Lucci. And the occasional Kevin. I really need to clean my room. It's been ages since I have, and I don't even know what the floor looks like any more. Just Kidding. Maybe. I have a headache now. I've never had a bloody nose before, it kinda freaked me out. Blood isn't supposed to just come flying out of your nose like that. Unless I got punched and didn't know, I don't think I did? I've been stuck on this one song lately. "Asthenia" by Blink. Has anyone heard it? You know I thought that was a weird word. The whole time I thought it was some girls name or something. But it actually means feeling very drained and tired. Having no body strength. Hmm...Interesting. I wonder why they picked that word. Maybe they were just having fun with the thesaurus. The song is good though, very thought provoking. For those of you who dissect song lyrics like I do, you might find the words applicable to a part of your life. I did. Well all, I can't think of anything else to say and my head is pounding. Ouch. Hope all is well with all of you,wherever you might be in this world. Adios.