update: I weighed myself yesterday. 209. 14 lbs have been shed in the last 9 days. this diet is working. have to meet with the trainer tomorrow morning again, for another but kicking session. I'm ready this time, going to eat some oatmeal and apples before I go in.
I'm on my way folks.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
thanks Yahoo!
Yahoo! 
Beautiful? Well, I would probably say I'm more of a "mysteriously handsome" but hey, I'll take beautiful. Thanks Yahoo! You little flirt you.
Beautiful? Well, I would probably say I'm more of a "mysteriously handsome" but hey, I'll take beautiful. Thanks Yahoo! You little flirt you.
how i speaka de engrisch
Your Linguistic Profile: |
75% General American English |
20% Yankee |
5% Dixie |
0% Midwestern |
0% Upper Midwestern |
Funny because people say I don't sound like I'm from Texas. A guy I used to work with told me once that I sound like a mix of Adam Sandler and a surfer dude. Whoa! No Way? Awesome Dude.
day one of hell
Carns darn it! Fiddle sticks and poopy crackers! Caca Pee-Pee Pedo!
I don't want to say the real cuss words, so those will have to do. But man, I'll tell you what that Personal Trainer kicked my butt today. I think the word "trainer" should be replaced with "person who makes you work harder and feel more pain than anyone else." Maybe "Personal Beater Upper?" Either way, it was good for me. He had me doing exercises I had never dreamed of, bending my body in ways I never dreamt it could bend. At one point we had to stop, because I felt extremely light headed. Me? Light headed? Yup. For one of the first time in my life, I felt like I might actually faint. No matter how buzzes I've had from cerveza, none of them compared to this. Beer is a good buzz, this, was a hot, tired, sweaty, feel like I'm going to throw up feeling. But hey, it was my fault. Our session was at 12 (high noon) and I didn't eat anything for breakfast. I shouldn't have gone in there on a empty stomach. A mistake I won't be making again. So now tonight, I'll have a grilled chicken salad and await Saturday, the day of my first official session (today was a freebie). So until then, I'll diet and do some cardio and work on the abs. I'm gonna do this, even if it kills me. Then atleast I'd be a thinner corpse.
I don't want to say the real cuss words, so those will have to do. But man, I'll tell you what that Personal Trainer kicked my butt today. I think the word "trainer" should be replaced with "person who makes you work harder and feel more pain than anyone else." Maybe "Personal Beater Upper?" Either way, it was good for me. He had me doing exercises I had never dreamed of, bending my body in ways I never dreamt it could bend. At one point we had to stop, because I felt extremely light headed. Me? Light headed? Yup. For one of the first time in my life, I felt like I might actually faint. No matter how buzzes I've had from cerveza, none of them compared to this. Beer is a good buzz, this, was a hot, tired, sweaty, feel like I'm going to throw up feeling. But hey, it was my fault. Our session was at 12 (high noon) and I didn't eat anything for breakfast. I shouldn't have gone in there on a empty stomach. A mistake I won't be making again. So now tonight, I'll have a grilled chicken salad and await Saturday, the day of my first official session (today was a freebie). So until then, I'll diet and do some cardio and work on the abs. I'm gonna do this, even if it kills me. Then atleast I'd be a thinner corpse.
Monday, April 25, 2005
results of my tests, this is me huh?
| |
| Personality in summary You are: messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic |
Friday, April 22, 2005
its here alright
well it's here. the soreness, the tightness, the pain. it's here. 48 hours later, right on schedule. got to press on. don't give up. this is only temporary. another week it will all be better. i've been here before, i've gotten through this before. got to hold on.
stupid exercise.
stupid exercise.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
when i was a kid
Being 25, I know I'm not very old. Very much still "wet behind the ears." But even though I haven't lived that long on this planet, I've witnessed a lot of change. The things I got to know as a kid, have changed dramtically. So I thought it would be cool to go back and visit just some of what the world used to be. When I was a kid. Here's some pics to help you remember. (Click on the pic to get a bigger version). Enjoy!
Ok when I was a kid, I liked to snack. Cookies, chips and everything else. Maybe it was because my mom wouldn't really let us, and she always would cook such great meals. Either way, I remember these. I would LOVE these, as I still do today. This is the only logo that I could find, but I swear there was another one, with the bag being orange. Pretty funny to remember though.
Yum Yum
Now growing up, we were always mostly outside playing on our bikes. But I remember on Thursday's at 6 pm, me and my brother were at one place. In front of the TV. Why? The show. My show. The show that topped all others. See when I was growing I didn't have much of a father figure. But that was ok. Because my hero was not a man. You see my hero, was a car.
My Hero
But when we weren't riding bikes, and watching Knight Rider, we were doing other more constructive things. Like playing Atari. Atari was the best, before Nintendo, before Sega, before any of them. I remember we had one, which was pretty odd now that I think of it, because we were pretty poor. But I remember using the round paddles for Pong, and playing so much the black cover of the joystick cracked and broke, revealing the white plastic below. I remember playing many games, but none more then this one. This game was hard back then, and if I played it now, I probably still wouldn't be able to beat it. I actually don't quite get the point of this game, I guess to run around and then somehow get your spaceship before the time runs out. And the name? Journey is for the band, Journey, and the escape is I guess what you tried to do. It's funny, because back then I didn't know, but the theme song to the game is actually the band's song "Don't Stop Believing" in a cheezy 80's Midi format. It was great though, I remember humming it for days.
My Favorite Atari Game
It was hard
Now on the rare occasion that my dad was actually acting like a good dad, he would take us to the movies. We would drive in his beat up brown Ford truck to The Galaxy. That was the coolest movie theatre of the day, and it wasn't really that far from where we lived. I remember there is where I found my favorite Arcade Game. Tucked in the back row of games, neglected because of newer games like "Bad Dudes" and "Road Blasters." But it called to me. In that unequivocal, that unmistakable voice, it called to me. What did it say you may ask, nothing else but "The Force will be with you, always." I remember pumping so many of my drunken father's quarters into this game, and never reaching Level 3. This too, was a very hard game. But I intend to beat it someday, when I own my very own arcade game of it, in my house somewhere in the future.
The Best Arcade Game Ever
Just Awesome
Even though growing up, I didn't have the regular definition of a "family" we still had our "family" moments. When my mom was tired of cooking, and we had money to eat out, we would go to a really fancy restaurant named this:
Our Family Restaurant
I loved eating there, not only for the mashed potatoes, but for my treat that I got after I finished. See this brings back memories of my mom. Like I said before, my mom wouldn't let us eat tons of cookies and candy. She was always cooking nice meals, with vegetables and other healthy things. So when we went out to eat, if I behaved, I remember she would let me have my treat. I remember biting into it, as the chocolate covering flaked off the marshmallow. I remember just sitting in the truck as we drove home, enjoying every second of it. It's a great memory of my mom, and helps me not to forget what a great mom she was.
My Treat
Well folks, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a nice time reading and learning a bit about me and my growing up. You know I remember talking to a friend once about the past. I remember laughing at what they said, "The past is a nice place to visit, but it's nowhere to live." And they were right. It's nice to look back and reflect and even learn. But really, the importance is on the future, not what we did, but what we are going to do. Now that I'm 25, I feel I'm starting over, and making a new future. I guess good Ol' Doc Brown was right all along. "It means that your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is, whatever you make it. So make it a good one."
Ok when I was a kid, I liked to snack. Cookies, chips and everything else. Maybe it was because my mom wouldn't really let us, and she always would cook such great meals. Either way, I remember these. I would LOVE these, as I still do today. This is the only logo that I could find, but I swear there was another one, with the bag being orange. Pretty funny to remember though.
Yum Yum
Now growing up, we were always mostly outside playing on our bikes. But I remember on Thursday's at 6 pm, me and my brother were at one place. In front of the TV. Why? The show. My show. The show that topped all others. See when I was growing I didn't have much of a father figure. But that was ok. Because my hero was not a man. You see my hero, was a car.
My Hero
But when we weren't riding bikes, and watching Knight Rider, we were doing other more constructive things. Like playing Atari. Atari was the best, before Nintendo, before Sega, before any of them. I remember we had one, which was pretty odd now that I think of it, because we were pretty poor. But I remember using the round paddles for Pong, and playing so much the black cover of the joystick cracked and broke, revealing the white plastic below. I remember playing many games, but none more then this one. This game was hard back then, and if I played it now, I probably still wouldn't be able to beat it. I actually don't quite get the point of this game, I guess to run around and then somehow get your spaceship before the time runs out. And the name? Journey is for the band, Journey, and the escape is I guess what you tried to do. It's funny, because back then I didn't know, but the theme song to the game is actually the band's song "Don't Stop Believing" in a cheezy 80's Midi format. It was great though, I remember humming it for days.
My Favorite Atari Game
It was hard
Now on the rare occasion that my dad was actually acting like a good dad, he would take us to the movies. We would drive in his beat up brown Ford truck to The Galaxy. That was the coolest movie theatre of the day, and it wasn't really that far from where we lived. I remember there is where I found my favorite Arcade Game. Tucked in the back row of games, neglected because of newer games like "Bad Dudes" and "Road Blasters." But it called to me. In that unequivocal, that unmistakable voice, it called to me. What did it say you may ask, nothing else but "The Force will be with you, always." I remember pumping so many of my drunken father's quarters into this game, and never reaching Level 3. This too, was a very hard game. But I intend to beat it someday, when I own my very own arcade game of it, in my house somewhere in the future.
The Best Arcade Game Ever
Just Awesome
Even though growing up, I didn't have the regular definition of a "family" we still had our "family" moments. When my mom was tired of cooking, and we had money to eat out, we would go to a really fancy restaurant named this:
Our Family Restaurant
I loved eating there, not only for the mashed potatoes, but for my treat that I got after I finished. See this brings back memories of my mom. Like I said before, my mom wouldn't let us eat tons of cookies and candy. She was always cooking nice meals, with vegetables and other healthy things. So when we went out to eat, if I behaved, I remember she would let me have my treat. I remember biting into it, as the chocolate covering flaked off the marshmallow. I remember just sitting in the truck as we drove home, enjoying every second of it. It's a great memory of my mom, and helps me not to forget what a great mom she was.
My Treat
Well folks, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a nice time reading and learning a bit about me and my growing up. You know I remember talking to a friend once about the past. I remember laughing at what they said, "The past is a nice place to visit, but it's nowhere to live." And they were right. It's nice to look back and reflect and even learn. But really, the importance is on the future, not what we did, but what we are going to do. Now that I'm 25, I feel I'm starting over, and making a new future. I guess good Ol' Doc Brown was right all along. "It means that your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is, whatever you make it. So make it a good one."
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
it be on-ith, like donkey kong-ith
today I made a big step forward. i joined or rejoined you could say, the gym. yup, that's right, you heard it directly from me. I am now a member of Gold's gym, formerly Fitness Connection, before they got bought out. Why you might ask? Well today for lunch, I drove up the street and got me some nice unhealthy Church's chicken. As I finished my meal I felt sick. And as I layed on the couch and watched afternoon tv, it hit me. I'm becoming a fat, lazy, slob. Exactly what I never wanted to be. Here I am, a newly 25 year old, single, with a decent car and my own place! I should be out and about, mingling and meeting new people. When I say people, I mean women of course. But as I sat there, my stomach churning from the chicken, I thought to myself, what girl is going to want this fat slob? Now I understand love is blind (on occasion) and real love is not based on external qualities. I know that. But I have to be realistic with myself. When I first meet a girl, I don't know her, so I don't know about her personality and her sense of humor and all those internal things. The first thing you see is the outside. That's what I think attracts you right off the bat. True, that's not always fair, because a lot of great funny girls aren't given the time of day because they don't have the looks. But then again, if a guy ONLY thinks about looks and doesn't go for the not so pretty girls, then really it benefits her. Better she doesn't deal with that kind of guy. Ok, back to my point. Well whatever my reason may be, to attract girls, to make myself healthier, I decided to get off my butt and go to the gym. I actually fought myself on this one too, first I called the gym to find out the specials. That way if they said they didn't have any, I wouldn't have to go in. But of course, they don't tell you the specials, that way you HAVE to go in. So I just decided to. I HAD WON THAT BATTLE. But being the lazy stubborn guy I am, I went there dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, that way there was NO POSSIBLE way I was going to actually work out while I was there the first time. See it's funny, because when you haven't been to the gym in a while, you forget how it is. You start to think that because you haven't gone, you have suddenly become the fattest person in the entire universe. You think that when you walk in there is going to be nothing but male and female supermodels there, and they are all going to laugh as you walk in. "Yah, youza need to pump some iron, you little girly squirelly man!" I don't know what it is, but that's the fear that you tend to get with gyms. But as I arrived, I soon realized that is completely not the case. As I was walking up to the front door, I could see the people running on the treadmills. And I didn't see one supermodel. If anything, these people were much more heavier and out of shape then me. Ofcourse there were people there that were in great shape, but the majority of the people there were not. So as I officially joined and signed on the X, I breathed a sigh of relief.
I went back home and decided to chill out for bit, and then actually go back for a workout. I waited until 9 PM and then made my way to the gym. As I walked in I noticed there was significantly less people there now. Cool, I don't have to wait for any machines. As in the past, I headed for the treadmills for some cardio and to loosen up. I realize I'm not where I once was, so I can't just start off running like I used to. So I did a fast walk on random elevations for 15 minutes. After the first one I decided that wasn't enough so I did another one. I think it came out to 2.15 miles. Not bad, considering most of my days are spent on the couch, the only steps being to the computer and the fridge for a coke. I did some of the machines, mostly focusing on the abs. Yeah, I gotta get this gut under control, it's got to be tamed. I didn't want a really hard work out, because I figure I would slowly build back up. Tomorrow I'm going to do the same, but probably hit some free weights and other machines. But abs, abs, abs, I have to focus on them. And with that, comes dieting. That's going to be hard. No more sodas. I know some say to drink Diet sodas, but not me, I rather not have any. So that's one thing. Next, no junk food. I actually don't eat much cake and sweets, well except for the Uh Ohs! so that shouldn't be too hard. And the worst thing I will have to cut out is cerveza. Like I said, I rather not drink any at all, then drink the Lite stuff. It's not that I like beer anyways, I can stand the taste, but I never crave it or actually enjoy a nice cold beer. All together I think it's going to be hard to say no, when everyone around me is going to be eating wings and drinking beer. That will be hard, but not impossible. I can do it, I know I can. I've done it before. I just have to get in that mindset that I was before, that nothing is going to make me cheat on my diet. I wish I actually had some sort of motivation like I did before with Gaby, but this time it's just for me. I'm my own motivation this time. So we will see if I can keep that. So now, I feel good. My arms feel a bit tight already, and my legs a bit sore. I know if I keep my workout going, I'm going to be in a world of hurt, but that's ok. I've lived through it before, and I can again. The soreness goes away, and the pain dulls. So tomorrow and for the next couple months it's on.
Official Day One Weigh In: 223 LBS
(I'll keep updating my progress periodically)
I went back home and decided to chill out for bit, and then actually go back for a workout. I waited until 9 PM and then made my way to the gym. As I walked in I noticed there was significantly less people there now. Cool, I don't have to wait for any machines. As in the past, I headed for the treadmills for some cardio and to loosen up. I realize I'm not where I once was, so I can't just start off running like I used to. So I did a fast walk on random elevations for 15 minutes. After the first one I decided that wasn't enough so I did another one. I think it came out to 2.15 miles. Not bad, considering most of my days are spent on the couch, the only steps being to the computer and the fridge for a coke. I did some of the machines, mostly focusing on the abs. Yeah, I gotta get this gut under control, it's got to be tamed. I didn't want a really hard work out, because I figure I would slowly build back up. Tomorrow I'm going to do the same, but probably hit some free weights and other machines. But abs, abs, abs, I have to focus on them. And with that, comes dieting. That's going to be hard. No more sodas. I know some say to drink Diet sodas, but not me, I rather not have any. So that's one thing. Next, no junk food. I actually don't eat much cake and sweets, well except for the Uh Ohs! so that shouldn't be too hard. And the worst thing I will have to cut out is cerveza. Like I said, I rather not drink any at all, then drink the Lite stuff. It's not that I like beer anyways, I can stand the taste, but I never crave it or actually enjoy a nice cold beer. All together I think it's going to be hard to say no, when everyone around me is going to be eating wings and drinking beer. That will be hard, but not impossible. I can do it, I know I can. I've done it before. I just have to get in that mindset that I was before, that nothing is going to make me cheat on my diet. I wish I actually had some sort of motivation like I did before with Gaby, but this time it's just for me. I'm my own motivation this time. So we will see if I can keep that. So now, I feel good. My arms feel a bit tight already, and my legs a bit sore. I know if I keep my workout going, I'm going to be in a world of hurt, but that's ok. I've lived through it before, and I can again. The soreness goes away, and the pain dulls. So tomorrow and for the next couple months it's on.
Official Day One Weigh In: 223 LBS
(I'll keep updating my progress periodically)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
something i just wrote
And as I sit here alone, I wonder how u are
and if your thinking of me
I wonder why we let our foolishness
lead us both that far?
the chance that we could have made it
grew slimmer by the day
the love that we lacked, had slowly cracked
crumbled, and was blown away.
But what made me upset, or maybe just what I don’t get
is that you still never seemed to try
even when I would gaze into your brown iris’s
we never saw eye to eye
because there are rules to this game, rules that have been proven true,
hate begets hate
love begets love
but this time, I guess I won’t be getting you.
and if your thinking of me
I wonder why we let our foolishness
lead us both that far?
the chance that we could have made it
grew slimmer by the day
the love that we lacked, had slowly cracked
crumbled, and was blown away.
But what made me upset, or maybe just what I don’t get
is that you still never seemed to try
even when I would gaze into your brown iris’s
we never saw eye to eye
because there are rules to this game, rules that have been proven true,
hate begets hate
love begets love
but this time, I guess I won’t be getting you.
Monday, April 18, 2005
getting over it
confusion reigns supreme once again
nothing as it seems
never know where I'm at
never know what anything means
so many emotions come to the fore
and I don't know, just like one
I don't know how to get it out of my mind
like once before
it's the only thing I find
the blood that boils in my veins
shouldn't even be a little warm
I shouldn't feel the way I do
I shouldn't feel I'm at harm
cause all I feel now is shame
it really hurts that bad
I don't know why I act this way
I don't know why I'm so sad
and I ask and beg to take it away
but I never shed any tears
for all those useless days
for all those wasted years
so many things I could have been
so far I could have gone,
then I'd be here, and maybe I'd be the one,
so I suck it up, and hope for a better day
I don't know where either of us will end up
but maybe we will run into each other
somewhere along the way.
I actually wrote this a few years back, and in light of current events it seems to apply. I have been thinking the last couple days, about everything that has happened and the way it all has finally ended. It's weird, because I always thought I would be a lot more down and out about it then I actually am. I thought I would be completely depressed and affected by it. But I guess in reality, I have always known. I have always had the doubt in my head, the reality that it wouldn't work no matter how hard I tried. From the beginning it seemed destined to fail. If you know me, you know I don't believe in things being destined, but this one did seem like it had no hope. And I guess that's why I am not fully destroyed by the fact that it didn't work out. Because I always knew it wasn't ever going to. And you know I remember contemplating never loving, never trying again. That if it didn't work out, then I was done with it all. But now, I don't see that happening. Why should I give up on love, because of a relationship that lacked it? Why should I deprive myself out of the oppurtunity to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally? In my mind now, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and be interested in another girl right away, but then again, I'm not going to deny myself the possibility. I did my part. I loved much more then the required amount, and I never once asked for anything in return. I can look back and be proud, yes I was a fool, and yes I should have been more wise. But I can't look back and say that I didn't try. I did. Eventhough it wasn't enough, I tried. So now, I go it alone once again. "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known." And now when being full of anger would be completely justifiable, I'm calm and collected. I wish her no harm, I just hope she finds what she wants. I wish her love in the future. I wish her the best. "Because on faith and love it all does depend. And this last line, is the end."
nothing as it seems
never know where I'm at
never know what anything means
so many emotions come to the fore
and I don't know, just like one
I don't know how to get it out of my mind
like once before
it's the only thing I find
the blood that boils in my veins
shouldn't even be a little warm
I shouldn't feel the way I do
I shouldn't feel I'm at harm
cause all I feel now is shame
it really hurts that bad
I don't know why I act this way
I don't know why I'm so sad
and I ask and beg to take it away
but I never shed any tears
for all those useless days
for all those wasted years
so many things I could have been
so far I could have gone,
then I'd be here, and maybe I'd be the one,
so I suck it up, and hope for a better day
I don't know where either of us will end up
but maybe we will run into each other
somewhere along the way.
I actually wrote this a few years back, and in light of current events it seems to apply. I have been thinking the last couple days, about everything that has happened and the way it all has finally ended. It's weird, because I always thought I would be a lot more down and out about it then I actually am. I thought I would be completely depressed and affected by it. But I guess in reality, I have always known. I have always had the doubt in my head, the reality that it wouldn't work no matter how hard I tried. From the beginning it seemed destined to fail. If you know me, you know I don't believe in things being destined, but this one did seem like it had no hope. And I guess that's why I am not fully destroyed by the fact that it didn't work out. Because I always knew it wasn't ever going to. And you know I remember contemplating never loving, never trying again. That if it didn't work out, then I was done with it all. But now, I don't see that happening. Why should I give up on love, because of a relationship that lacked it? Why should I deprive myself out of the oppurtunity to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally? In my mind now, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and be interested in another girl right away, but then again, I'm not going to deny myself the possibility. I did my part. I loved much more then the required amount, and I never once asked for anything in return. I can look back and be proud, yes I was a fool, and yes I should have been more wise. But I can't look back and say that I didn't try. I did. Eventhough it wasn't enough, I tried. So now, I go it alone once again. "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known." And now when being full of anger would be completely justifiable, I'm calm and collected. I wish her no harm, I just hope she finds what she wants. I wish her love in the future. I wish her the best. "Because on faith and love it all does depend. And this last line, is the end."
Saturday, April 16, 2005
one quarter of a century
Well as today is the day I turn 25, I thought I would make a list. A list of things that have happened to me. Things I’ve come to know. Things that I have accomplished. Things that have molded me into the person I am now. 25 things for 25 years. All the places I’ve been, people I’ve met, things I’ve done, and circumstances I’ve put up with, let’s hope I’ve learned something.
1. I’ve lost both parents in death. I put this as number 1, because nothing else has changed me more.
2. I’ve learned that I can love. And love deeply. Unconditionally. This I am proud of.
3. I’ve come to know that being single is not the End of The Universe. End of World maybe. But not the Universe.
4. I learned that no matter how hard I try to disagree, my conscience is always right.
5. I’ve come to know that however much I hate it and yet love it at the same time, San Antonio is, and always will be my home.
6. I know now, that I can eat a whole bag of Doritos and a 2 liter of Pepsi in one sitting.
7. I also know that if I run, work out and eat right, I do actually lose weight. Incredible.
8. I’ve never owned an American made automobile. But yet Japanese food doesn’t appeal to me.
9. I have finally acquired what I have always wanted. A Laptop.
10. I’ve begun to set goals ahead of me again. A trait I have been lacking in past years.
11. I have managed to have a relationship with 2 different girls from Mexico (at different times of course). I have also watched those relationships crumble apart, the first taking 3 months, the second taking 3 years.
12. I’ve managed to avoid baldness. For now.
13. I’ve finally acquired a dresser drawer. It’s take years, but I finally got one.
14. I’ve been to some of the most romantic places, at some of the most romantic times, without the person I wanted to be romantic with.
15. I’ve seen France. But couldn’t find the “place where the naked ladies dance.” “the whole in the wall where the men see it all” couldn’t be located either.
16. I’ve seen London. Well as it would go then, I guess I have seen London and I’ve seen France. But yet I still haven’t seen any underpants. Or have I?
17. I’ve learned that writing is my true therapy. No matter how awful I feel, nothing heals the soul better then ranting in a notebook.
18. I’ve learned that time goes on. No matter how hard something is, time helps. It makes pain fade, it dulls suffering. It doesn’t make it disappear, but it helps numb it.
19. I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try, things still will not work out the way you want them to. Life is cruel. Unfair and unforgiving.
20. I’ve also learned, life being that way, requires action. It requires you doing something about your situation. Hard work that is accomplished, even though sometimes unrewarded, is still counted as accomplished.
21. I enjoy the company of others very much, but yet find myself mostly alone.
22. I have learned that I still do not know what the term “broasted” means.
23. I have learned that I love Mexico. The land, the people, the food, the culture. I can see why my dad loved my mom.
24. I have stamps in my passport.
25. I have decided to never stop learning, laughing, and loving. I accept defeat humbly, but I refuse to expect it.
1. I’ve lost both parents in death. I put this as number 1, because nothing else has changed me more.
2. I’ve learned that I can love. And love deeply. Unconditionally. This I am proud of.
3. I’ve come to know that being single is not the End of The Universe. End of World maybe. But not the Universe.
4. I learned that no matter how hard I try to disagree, my conscience is always right.
5. I’ve come to know that however much I hate it and yet love it at the same time, San Antonio is, and always will be my home.
6. I know now, that I can eat a whole bag of Doritos and a 2 liter of Pepsi in one sitting.
7. I also know that if I run, work out and eat right, I do actually lose weight. Incredible.
8. I’ve never owned an American made automobile. But yet Japanese food doesn’t appeal to me.
9. I have finally acquired what I have always wanted. A Laptop.
10. I’ve begun to set goals ahead of me again. A trait I have been lacking in past years.
11. I have managed to have a relationship with 2 different girls from Mexico (at different times of course). I have also watched those relationships crumble apart, the first taking 3 months, the second taking 3 years.
12. I’ve managed to avoid baldness. For now.
13. I’ve finally acquired a dresser drawer. It’s take years, but I finally got one.
14. I’ve been to some of the most romantic places, at some of the most romantic times, without the person I wanted to be romantic with.
15. I’ve seen France. But couldn’t find the “place where the naked ladies dance.” “the whole in the wall where the men see it all” couldn’t be located either.
16. I’ve seen London. Well as it would go then, I guess I have seen London and I’ve seen France. But yet I still haven’t seen any underpants. Or have I?
17. I’ve learned that writing is my true therapy. No matter how awful I feel, nothing heals the soul better then ranting in a notebook.
18. I’ve learned that time goes on. No matter how hard something is, time helps. It makes pain fade, it dulls suffering. It doesn’t make it disappear, but it helps numb it.
19. I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try, things still will not work out the way you want them to. Life is cruel. Unfair and unforgiving.
20. I’ve also learned, life being that way, requires action. It requires you doing something about your situation. Hard work that is accomplished, even though sometimes unrewarded, is still counted as accomplished.
21. I enjoy the company of others very much, but yet find myself mostly alone.
22. I have learned that I still do not know what the term “broasted” means.
23. I have learned that I love Mexico. The land, the people, the food, the culture. I can see why my dad loved my mom.
24. I have stamps in my passport.
25. I have decided to never stop learning, laughing, and loving. I accept defeat humbly, but I refuse to expect it.
Friday, April 15, 2005
what irks me...
you know not too many things get to me. but I heard something the other day that just rubbed me the wrong way. I think it is incredibly retarded for a girl to say the following to a guy, specifically a younger guy, and more specifically me:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only i was a few years younger, or you were a few years older, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Now I don't know about any other guys, but I myself have been told this. And this I have to say is just insulting. See, I break down the statement as this:
You can't turn back time. Even if you try, you will never be able to do it. People have tried,(Uncle Rico) and have failed. You can't jump back and get younger, and you can't jump ahead and get older. It's impossible, it's insurmountable, it's futile to try. So knowing that fact lets go back to the prior statement and reword it with what we know.
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could somehow do the impossible, completely turn back the hands of time, a feat no one besides God himself can do, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Gee Thanks.
And I think to myself, why? Why would a women say such a thing? And I have come to the conclusion, that they say this, because it is a safe thing to say. They say it, because they know it can't happen. It won't happen. There is no possible way in the universe I could ever be suddenly as old as you, or you as young as me. See there would be unsafe ways of saying things. Such as:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could find the time, if I wasn't so busy, or you could be more available, I'd date you."
See that one is unsafe. Because a woman could find the time. She could rearrange her schedule and find time to spend with a guy. On the other end, a guy could make himself more available for a relationship.
Another unsafe one, not that anyone would say this, but still:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only you made more money and drove a nice car, I'd date you."
Once again, a guy can get a second job and get more money, he can sell off some things and finance a sports car. Once again, then the girl isn't safe.
So why? Why would a women use this line? Why would she say something like this, knowing there really isn't any real chance of it ever happening? The reason? It's to be nice. It's to let the guy down easy, without crushing his ego and self esteem. And to that I say caca pee pee. That's stupid. I would feel insulted that a girl felt that she had to "spare" me from a rejection. If you don't like me, just tell me. Don't give me stupid caca reasons like that. I already know there is no chance in dating you anyway, so why the games? Why the ruse? I just don't get it.
Women, such strange, yet fascinating creatures. my learning of them will never end.
"You know your such a nice guy, if only i was a few years younger, or you were a few years older, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Now I don't know about any other guys, but I myself have been told this. And this I have to say is just insulting. See, I break down the statement as this:
You can't turn back time. Even if you try, you will never be able to do it. People have tried,(Uncle Rico) and have failed. You can't jump back and get younger, and you can't jump ahead and get older. It's impossible, it's insurmountable, it's futile to try. So knowing that fact lets go back to the prior statement and reword it with what we know.
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could somehow do the impossible, completely turn back the hands of time, a feat no one besides God himself can do, you'd be in trouble. I'd date you."
Gee Thanks.
And I think to myself, why? Why would a women say such a thing? And I have come to the conclusion, that they say this, because it is a safe thing to say. They say it, because they know it can't happen. It won't happen. There is no possible way in the universe I could ever be suddenly as old as you, or you as young as me. See there would be unsafe ways of saying things. Such as:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only I could find the time, if I wasn't so busy, or you could be more available, I'd date you."
See that one is unsafe. Because a woman could find the time. She could rearrange her schedule and find time to spend with a guy. On the other end, a guy could make himself more available for a relationship.
Another unsafe one, not that anyone would say this, but still:
"You know your such a nice guy, if only you made more money and drove a nice car, I'd date you."
Once again, a guy can get a second job and get more money, he can sell off some things and finance a sports car. Once again, then the girl isn't safe.
So why? Why would a women use this line? Why would she say something like this, knowing there really isn't any real chance of it ever happening? The reason? It's to be nice. It's to let the guy down easy, without crushing his ego and self esteem. And to that I say caca pee pee. That's stupid. I would feel insulted that a girl felt that she had to "spare" me from a rejection. If you don't like me, just tell me. Don't give me stupid caca reasons like that. I already know there is no chance in dating you anyway, so why the games? Why the ruse? I just don't get it.
Women, such strange, yet fascinating creatures. my learning of them will never end.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
worthless, yet interesting fact of the day
this was proven today: i bowl a better game, with a higher score, when listening to the beach boys.
"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong"
Top Score: 167! Thank You Brian Wilson! You Rawk!
"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong"
Top Score: 167! Thank You Brian Wilson! You Rawk!
life at 2 am
funny how life never quits. no matter what your schedule is, someone is up, someone is awake also. my brother works till 1 am these days, and because he doesn't have his car finished yet (it's having it's engine rebuilt) I get to pick him up. we were running low on the essentials (soda, chips, peanut butter, bread and toilet paper) so I decided to hit up wal-mart after i dropped him off at the apartment. i grabbed a cart and did my shopping. weird how they put the cookies in the complete rear aisle? I would have thought they put them near the soda or chips, just to keep all the junk food together. I wanted me some cookies. I like chocolate, but not too much. So I didn't get any of those fudge cookies or stuff like that. see there is one cookie that surpasses them all. this cookies is a gift from above, and i swear when the israelites were in the wilderness and asked for food, God sent down these cookies. not mana, but Uh-Oh! Oreo Cookies. have any of you eaten these things? They are like the best! I like regular Oreo's and everything, but these, being backwards with vanilla cookie and a chocoloate middle, they are just beyond any other cookie. believe me folks, they rule. they kick all the other cookie's butts. they smack the other cookie's around and steal their lunch money. if you haven't tried them, then go out and buy you some, they are worth every penny.
Golden Gifts from God
well as i wheeled my cart over to the cashier, another cashier opened the registar next to her, and kindly called me over. I put all my groceries on the conveyor belt and she started to ring them up. "Your still up at this hour? I can see your hungry" she said with a smile on her face. I laughed, and explained to her how I was my brother's taxi these days. She smiled back and kept scanning my items. As I payed and she handed me my groceries, she smiled again and said "have a good morning, be careful out there." Wow, thanks. She seemed to show more concern for me then some friends I've known for years do! How funny. It was nice. I didn't feel like she was trying to be flirty, but just courteous. I appreciated that. Thanks Anastacia (yeah I looked at her name tag.)
So then I get home, unload all the groceries and walk over to the computer. I notice some one had instant messaged me, but I didn't recognize the name. A girl name Rachel? I don't know any girl named Rachel? She had typed "It's You!" and then typed a hyperlink of what looked like a site that hosts photos, or online photo albums. I don't know? I tried to write back, but she was already offline. So now I will just wait to see if she gets online and find out who she is. Weird huh?
So now as I sit here and type, and my brother watches CSI, as he does every night, I will finish typing one of the parts from my story. Then soon after I will head off to bed, and sleep in till 11 or so. As my life passes me by, soon turning 25, I sit and type. funny how you think so much in the wee hours of the morning. well it's about that time. goodnight.
Golden Gifts from God
well as i wheeled my cart over to the cashier, another cashier opened the registar next to her, and kindly called me over. I put all my groceries on the conveyor belt and she started to ring them up. "Your still up at this hour? I can see your hungry" she said with a smile on her face. I laughed, and explained to her how I was my brother's taxi these days. She smiled back and kept scanning my items. As I payed and she handed me my groceries, she smiled again and said "have a good morning, be careful out there." Wow, thanks. She seemed to show more concern for me then some friends I've known for years do! How funny. It was nice. I didn't feel like she was trying to be flirty, but just courteous. I appreciated that. Thanks Anastacia (yeah I looked at her name tag.)
So then I get home, unload all the groceries and walk over to the computer. I notice some one had instant messaged me, but I didn't recognize the name. A girl name Rachel? I don't know any girl named Rachel? She had typed "It's You!" and then typed a hyperlink of what looked like a site that hosts photos, or online photo albums. I don't know? I tried to write back, but she was already offline. So now I will just wait to see if she gets online and find out who she is. Weird huh?
So now as I sit here and type, and my brother watches CSI, as he does every night, I will finish typing one of the parts from my story. Then soon after I will head off to bed, and sleep in till 11 or so. As my life passes me by, soon turning 25, I sit and type. funny how you think so much in the wee hours of the morning. well it's about that time. goodnight.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
the great divide
i've been dreading the day i would post this poem I wrote. but much to my dismay this day has finally come. It's hard to imagine. I don't know what to do. she means so much, it's hard to know where I go from here. I don't know. how tough i thought i was? she got to me. she really did.
The Irony Never Ends
the distance that separates us now
was never what seperated us at all
the distance our hearts now have made
cannot be crossed by a email or a phone call.
is what we have lost?
in that divide that we created ourselves?
is what once was there
now put somewhere neither of us can reach?
all that land and time
now seems to be so much more
you seem so distant
farther then ever before
"here we are
saying goodbye"
one last time
forever never being you and I
the storms will roll down your way
after they rain down on me
maybe they will help you remember
what we could never seem to be
our divide proved too large
too large for either of us to cross
another love has fallen victim
in the divide it's forever lost.
The Irony Never Ends
the distance that separates us now
was never what seperated us at all
the distance our hearts now have made
cannot be crossed by a email or a phone call.
is what we have lost?
in that divide that we created ourselves?
is what once was there
now put somewhere neither of us can reach?
all that land and time
now seems to be so much more
you seem so distant
farther then ever before
"here we are
saying goodbye"
one last time
forever never being you and I
the storms will roll down your way
after they rain down on me
maybe they will help you remember
what we could never seem to be
our divide proved too large
too large for either of us to cross
another love has fallen victim
in the divide it's forever lost.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Good Ol' Friday
Right On
If only I was as cool as he was. Well today has begun already, and it seems like I'm already trying to catch up. I have somethings to do today, clean the apartment, throw away some trash, and go fill out a application for a position at Chase Bank. I guess it's that time to start looking for a job a bit more seriously. I wish I could completely remain irresponsible and do nothing all day, but I guess to some that isn't "acceptable". Not that I really care what people say, but still, I have to admit even I have been kind of getting bored with this. So I guess it's off to the wonderful world of employment again.
I was thinking about doing something tonight, maybe dinner with friends or something trendy. I've been replaying a scene in my head for the last couple days about a girl I met once or twice. We meet by chance at a grocery store and recognize each other. I ask her how she has been doing, and we chat for bit. Then I just flat out ask her to dinner one night, and she accepts. Simple as that. Sometimes I wonder about her, wonder if she ever got married and found the right guy. Last time I talked to her she was still looking, and the time after that, eventhough I just saw her and didn't talk to her, she still looked single. No ring on her finger. Makes me curious, makes me want to somehow arrange a coincidental meeting. Hmmm. I don't know if that's right though, sounds like I'm scheming up something, and she doesn't even have a clue. "She's gonna get it, and she doesn't even know it. And I'm gonna give it to her." I sound like a jerk. Oh well, whatever. We'll see what happens. Well hope everyone is having a good Friday.
If only I was as cool as he was. Well today has begun already, and it seems like I'm already trying to catch up. I have somethings to do today, clean the apartment, throw away some trash, and go fill out a application for a position at Chase Bank. I guess it's that time to start looking for a job a bit more seriously. I wish I could completely remain irresponsible and do nothing all day, but I guess to some that isn't "acceptable". Not that I really care what people say, but still, I have to admit even I have been kind of getting bored with this. So I guess it's off to the wonderful world of employment again.
I was thinking about doing something tonight, maybe dinner with friends or something trendy. I've been replaying a scene in my head for the last couple days about a girl I met once or twice. We meet by chance at a grocery store and recognize each other. I ask her how she has been doing, and we chat for bit. Then I just flat out ask her to dinner one night, and she accepts. Simple as that. Sometimes I wonder about her, wonder if she ever got married and found the right guy. Last time I talked to her she was still looking, and the time after that, eventhough I just saw her and didn't talk to her, she still looked single. No ring on her finger. Makes me curious, makes me want to somehow arrange a coincidental meeting. Hmmm. I don't know if that's right though, sounds like I'm scheming up something, and she doesn't even have a clue. "She's gonna get it, and she doesn't even know it. And I'm gonna give it to her." I sound like a jerk. Oh well, whatever. We'll see what happens. Well hope everyone is having a good Friday.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
wednesdays are no fun
well today started out pretty busy, and now it has slowed down to the usual pace of nothing, slow and bored. Much to my despair, the other day my car went on the fritz again, something with one of the stearing joints. but with the car in the shop today and keys to my sister's BMW, all seems well. it's pretty funny actually the looks i get while driving her car. so many people stare, as if to wonder how a young guy like me could be driving such a nice car. i feel like screaming out the window,
IT'S NOT MINE OK! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB, MUCH LESS A BMW! YES, I GUESS YOU WOULD BE RIGHT TO ASSUME I AM WHAT THEY CALL A "LOSER" BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU AREN'T DRIVING A BMW NOW ARE YOU?
Hehe. Sorry I just recieved some news that has me a bit angered now. i won't go into it. anyways like I said, for tonight and tomorrow I get to drive the little german car. horray for me.
i've just decided that tonight i'm going to the driving range. i need to wack the poop out of some golf balls.
stupid relationship bs. it's not worth any of it.
IT'S NOT MINE OK! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB, MUCH LESS A BMW! YES, I GUESS YOU WOULD BE RIGHT TO ASSUME I AM WHAT THEY CALL A "LOSER" BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU AREN'T DRIVING A BMW NOW ARE YOU?
Hehe. Sorry I just recieved some news that has me a bit angered now. i won't go into it. anyways like I said, for tonight and tomorrow I get to drive the little german car. horray for me.
i've just decided that tonight i'm going to the driving range. i need to wack the poop out of some golf balls.
stupid relationship bs. it's not worth any of it.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Top Shelf Thoughts of Love
tonight we went to a sneak preview of the movie "fever pitch" with jimmy fallon and drew barrymore. I enjoyed it, it was funny and all, but I can't help but say their on screen chemistry isn't quite...well...good. I mean they get along and everything, but it seemed a bit forced. I much prefer Adam Sandler with Drew Barrymore. I don't know why, but ever since "The Wedding Singer" they have just been perfect together. "50 First Dates" was the icing on the cake. That was such a great movie, stupid yes, but very very good. Better then I ever imagined. Maybe Adam Sandler reminds me of me, and Drew Barrymore? Hmmm...I only think of one girl when I think of her. My friend Allison Henslee. Well now Allison Glenn. She's been married for years now, and lives somewhere in Colorado. I know she wasn't my first GF, but she certainly was my first love. I didn't know girls could be like she was, and she truly stands out in my mind. I heard she might possibly be single again, single not at your own fault, I'm not completely sure, and I hope she is happy, but I've heard rumors. I hope they are not true, because I honestly hope she is truly happy. My brother teases me about her, saying that I would marry her in a instant if she became single again. He said he knows I have had a thing for her from the very beginning (I'm talking like 11 years old). And well, I can't say I wouldn't. I don't know, but just maybe I would. I can't honestly say no. Not to her.
Now eventhough this was a "romantic comedy" about a couple, and most people that were in the theatre were "couples" it usually doesn't bother me. But tonight it did just a bit. I don't know why either, because even though I hang out with married couples, I'm usually completely ok with it. After the movie we went to a place called Cha Cho's which is pretty much known for the strongest, tastiest Margaritas in all of San Antonio. These things, are super strong. They don't mess around with Rum, they just drown it Tequila. I had a Jumbo Top Shelf one (the biggest strongest they have) and we sat there and talked like we usually do. The place was packed full of people, most coming from the Spur's game (haha you suck Lakers). But as I was sitting there drinking my Margarita and letting the tequila enter my blood stream I noticed a specific mexican girl. She had a pink shirt on, not the hot pink, but the nice pale pink. She wasn't very dark, but not very light skinned either, but an nice in between color. The pink actually made her look even prettier there, as she sipped her margarita from across the way. I would take a sip and sneak a look in her direction, she was talking to her friends, the music was loud, so I'm sure she never even noticed my looks. Not that she would acknowledge them anyways. She wasn't the prettiest girl there, she wasn't the pretties girl I have ever seen, but something about her, maybe how her hair lie on her face, how she didn't have tons of makeup on, but just enough to accent her pink shirt. Something about her, I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the Margarita. Either way I sat there and sent looks in her direction every minute or two. She was with friends, and a guy was sitting across from her. I don't know if this was her boyfriend, husband, brother, cousin, whatever, I don't know. But I didn't care either. She was there for the looking, but not the taking. I did nothing. I didn't go talk to her, I didn't smile if she looked at me, I didn't do a damn thing. Just look and admire. But as I looked I imagined me and her together, spending time with each other, laughing and spending our entire lives together. In a instant I had seen our wedding and our anniversary parties. We had two children and lived in a nice home. I thought of how life would be with her, as if she was mine, and I was hers. I didn't even know her name. I couldn't even hear her voice. She got up with her friend and made her way to get another margarita, as she walked right by me I just did that, watched her walk by. Later I went to get another drink, but she wasn't in line still, and as I walked back to my seat I noticed she was already back at her table, talking with her friends, and that guy. I took a long deep breath, and then we decided to leave. As I drove home, I felt a bit empty. Eventhough I enjoy being single and having my space, I have to admit, there are times that I really wish I had someone. Someone to talk too, someone to share my thoughts, someone that cares for me, the same way I care for them. I don't have that person. As I drove home, and I was turning on my street, I heard the radio playing a song I remembered. "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. The beginning guitar solo fit my thoughts so well. I thought in the moment, and I couldn't deny the thought. I wish I had somebody. A female to love, to like, to share a beer with, to have a margarita and dinner with. To just got to Ihop at 2 or 3 AM and talk about life with. I do not have that person in my life. I have "her" but it is so uncertain, and besides that she is in Houston and not here. I feel lonely sometimes, I know it's weird to hear me say that, but I do. I, Robbie, do get lonely. As much as I can handle myself and being independent and on my own, I do get lonely. I do long for companionship. As I got out of the car, it hit me. I had no one like this, and it was because of me. This things, these relationship aren't just given to you, you have to go and get it, and once you do, you have to cultivate it and nourish it. And I have not been doing that. So as I walked in my apartment, and no one was there to greet me or hug me or give me a welcoming kiss, I knew it was just me. Just me. And as I type this, I know it's just me. I can handle it now, I can deal with now. Every once in a while like tonight it gets to me, but tomorrow I will brush it off and feel ten times better. I'll be back to independent me, the single me. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe not. I do enjoy being single, but I do enjoy company of someone who cares for me the same as I care for them. I would love for someone to love me back the way I'm willing to love them. But for now, I will just type in this blog, my words will be here tomorrow for me to look at and laugh. For now I will survive, I always have, and I will. The night was long, and the margaritas were strong.
Now eventhough this was a "romantic comedy" about a couple, and most people that were in the theatre were "couples" it usually doesn't bother me. But tonight it did just a bit. I don't know why either, because even though I hang out with married couples, I'm usually completely ok with it. After the movie we went to a place called Cha Cho's which is pretty much known for the strongest, tastiest Margaritas in all of San Antonio. These things, are super strong. They don't mess around with Rum, they just drown it Tequila. I had a Jumbo Top Shelf one (the biggest strongest they have) and we sat there and talked like we usually do. The place was packed full of people, most coming from the Spur's game (haha you suck Lakers). But as I was sitting there drinking my Margarita and letting the tequila enter my blood stream I noticed a specific mexican girl. She had a pink shirt on, not the hot pink, but the nice pale pink. She wasn't very dark, but not very light skinned either, but an nice in between color. The pink actually made her look even prettier there, as she sipped her margarita from across the way. I would take a sip and sneak a look in her direction, she was talking to her friends, the music was loud, so I'm sure she never even noticed my looks. Not that she would acknowledge them anyways. She wasn't the prettiest girl there, she wasn't the pretties girl I have ever seen, but something about her, maybe how her hair lie on her face, how she didn't have tons of makeup on, but just enough to accent her pink shirt. Something about her, I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the Margarita. Either way I sat there and sent looks in her direction every minute or two. She was with friends, and a guy was sitting across from her. I don't know if this was her boyfriend, husband, brother, cousin, whatever, I don't know. But I didn't care either. She was there for the looking, but not the taking. I did nothing. I didn't go talk to her, I didn't smile if she looked at me, I didn't do a damn thing. Just look and admire. But as I looked I imagined me and her together, spending time with each other, laughing and spending our entire lives together. In a instant I had seen our wedding and our anniversary parties. We had two children and lived in a nice home. I thought of how life would be with her, as if she was mine, and I was hers. I didn't even know her name. I couldn't even hear her voice. She got up with her friend and made her way to get another margarita, as she walked right by me I just did that, watched her walk by. Later I went to get another drink, but she wasn't in line still, and as I walked back to my seat I noticed she was already back at her table, talking with her friends, and that guy. I took a long deep breath, and then we decided to leave. As I drove home, I felt a bit empty. Eventhough I enjoy being single and having my space, I have to admit, there are times that I really wish I had someone. Someone to talk too, someone to share my thoughts, someone that cares for me, the same way I care for them. I don't have that person. As I drove home, and I was turning on my street, I heard the radio playing a song I remembered. "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. The beginning guitar solo fit my thoughts so well. I thought in the moment, and I couldn't deny the thought. I wish I had somebody. A female to love, to like, to share a beer with, to have a margarita and dinner with. To just got to Ihop at 2 or 3 AM and talk about life with. I do not have that person in my life. I have "her" but it is so uncertain, and besides that she is in Houston and not here. I feel lonely sometimes, I know it's weird to hear me say that, but I do. I, Robbie, do get lonely. As much as I can handle myself and being independent and on my own, I do get lonely. I do long for companionship. As I got out of the car, it hit me. I had no one like this, and it was because of me. This things, these relationship aren't just given to you, you have to go and get it, and once you do, you have to cultivate it and nourish it. And I have not been doing that. So as I walked in my apartment, and no one was there to greet me or hug me or give me a welcoming kiss, I knew it was just me. Just me. And as I type this, I know it's just me. I can handle it now, I can deal with now. Every once in a while like tonight it gets to me, but tomorrow I will brush it off and feel ten times better. I'll be back to independent me, the single me. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe not. I do enjoy being single, but I do enjoy company of someone who cares for me the same as I care for them. I would love for someone to love me back the way I'm willing to love them. But for now, I will just type in this blog, my words will be here tomorrow for me to look at and laugh. For now I will survive, I always have, and I will. The night was long, and the margaritas were strong.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Spring In Texas
Well it's spring time again here in Texas, and the wildflowers are out in full bloom. Here's some pictures I took on the way back from Houston earlier this week. The flowers were just all over the place! All along the highway, it was just littered with flowers. Pretty cool, Texas is just so freaking awesome.
The Panoramic is a bit messed up, my camera freaked out a bit.
Side of the Road
Here's some close ups of the bluebonnets. They are quite beautiful. Sounds weird coming a guy I know, but hey I can't deny they are nice. Especially when the highway is covered with them.
Bluebonnets
Bluebonnet 2
Bluebonnet 3
Enjoy!
The Panoramic is a bit messed up, my camera freaked out a bit.
Side of the Road
Here's some close ups of the bluebonnets. They are quite beautiful. Sounds weird coming a guy I know, but hey I can't deny they are nice. Especially when the highway is covered with them.
Bluebonnets
Bluebonnet 2
Bluebonnet 3
Enjoy!
Friday, April 01, 2005
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