3 months, 7 checks

well it's 6 something in the morning and here i am at work. i had to cover for someone today, so i got stuck with the "opening" shift. And on top of that I have to work an hour of overtime. I don't know how i got suckered into that schedule, but i guess it won't matter in three months. and that's what it has come down too. three months, 7 paychecks and counting. everything will change then, as if it's not already changing. i guess we'll just see what happens, but time isn't going to stop and make sure i'm ready. it never did before, and i don't think it's changed it's style.

wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

the tunnel

there's no earthly way of knowing
which direction we are going
there's no knowing, where we're rowing
or which way the river's flowing
is it raining?
is it snowing?
is a hurricane a-blowing?

bleh!

not a speck of light is showing
so the danger must be growing
are the fires of hell a glowing?
is the grisly reaper mowing?
yes! the danger must be growing!
for the rowers keep on rowing!
and they're certainly not showing!
any signs that they are slowing!

chaos!

sparkle and fade

7 minutes until friday. you'd think i'd be in bed by now. but of course you'd be thinking wrong. tomorrow is another fun filled day on the phone. speaking to people i don't know, begging to fix something they don't know how they broke. fun filled. but it's friday, another week behind me. another week closer to the end. it will be here before i know it. soon i will no longer have to wake up and drive the 18 minutes to work i have done for the last 6 years. things will be different. i can guarantee that.

my hair has grown fast. i've been tempted to just shave it all off, but then again i want to see how long it will get. i listen to an old song called santa monica. and by old i mean like 1996. not too long ago, but it seems like and eternity ago. that year i dated alison. that year i worked at KFC, my life was a bit easier back then. well maybe not easier, just different. i wanted to find some older pictures from that time, maybe pictures of me and friends from back then. but i don't have any scanned. i have tons of pictures, but none scanned on the computer. that was pre-digital camera age. you remember, it wasn't that long ago.

"with my big black boots and a old suitcase, i do believe i'll find myself a new place."

untitled

the summer days
the humid haze
the white fence
the loving suspense

the coy are quite loud
when there is no crowd
the scales on their backs
are weighed down to their max

time and again
trade sword for pen
my words that i see
appear gradually.

friday im in love

well today has been pretty slow. i'm still not 100% in health so i don't feel to chipper. tonight i was supposed to go out with some friends, but i'm thinking i might just go home. i haven't really made up my mind. my mind. you know sometimes i wish i could just turn it off and reboot. too many thoughts that pass through my mind. thoughts that i don't want to think. not bad, perverse thoughts, just things i really don't want to think about. i've been told i have a big imagination, and that's not always a good thing. conclusions just seem to leap my way. i don't know, maybe i get worried over stupid things. maybe i don't trust, maybe both. and its hard to combat the negative thoughts in my head, it's hard to reassure myself that that's not how things are. it's hard living, when all you think about is the end, even before the beginning. it tends to just ruin everything. i don't know how to describe it. i don't know how to convey it. maybe someday someone can understand what i mean, someone i can tell. i guess until then it will be kept in my mind. my poor brain.

rapid hope loss

well i'm not feeling good, and im too lazy to write something thoughtful, so i'll just post some lyrics of some great music. hope everyone is better then me. adios.

You've called to say you wanted out
Well I cant say I blame you now
Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out
Well thanks for waiting this long
To show yourself,
yourself
'Cause now that I can "see" you
'I dont think you're worth a second glance.

So much, for all the promises you made
They served you well
And now you're gone and their wasted on me
So much for you're endearing sense of charm
It served you well
And now its gone and you're wasted on me

you've called to say you wanted out
well i cant say i blame you now
sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out
well thanks for waiting this long
to show yourself, show yourself
'cause now that i can "see" you
i dont think you're worth a second glance.

so much for all the promises you made
they served you well
nnd now you're gone and their wasted on me
so much for you're endearing sense of charm
tt served you well
and now its gone and you're wasted on me

i guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get
so much for...so much more
i guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get
so much for...so much more

do what you must if thats what you wish
i cannot be a party to this
if you had the sense that you were born with
you'd find a way to make things right

i guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get
so much for...so much more

i'm ready, i am

im trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes,
in all the things i wish id wrote cause
i feel like ive been losing you each night.

chasing the ghost of a good thing

i miss you frodoita. yes i do.

weathered

you know i know song writing is tough. it's hard to put your thoughts down in a format that can be used along with music. its not easy to create a chorus, meaningful verses, without sounding cheesy or lame. someone wise beyond her years once told me, you either have the talent or you don't. the better singers and songwriters prove themselves by their staying power. it's not about winning awards, eventhough that does help, it's about being consistent. someone who might appear to be a good singer/songwriter, might not be very good at all. take courtney love for instance. her band had a good second album, but that doesn't mean she is a good singer/songwriter. and that leads me to the reason why im writing this. there is a song i've heard that to me, the lyrics, the arrangement is great. that's weird too, because it comes from a band that I have hated for the whole time they were together. I even wrote my own thoughts about how bad they sucked. they were like the vanilla ice of rock. everyone loved to hate them. now they are broke up, so it doesn't matter, but back in the hayday of my rock n roll years (when my music mattered as much as my friends) they were a joke. but i guess those days were young, and stupid. like me. i've since gotten a wee bit older, and yes it might be hard to believe, but i've gotten a wee bit wiser. or maybe a bit more mature. hehe. but either way, this song struck a cord with me. maybe it said everything i've felt. maybe it sums up my life in a nutshell. maybe it's still a bit lame. but yeah, so am i. so here it is, weathered is its name. i'm not going to post the name of the band for fear of unbearable shame. if you truly want to know who it is, be smart and look it up under the song name. i picked this song though, cause it accurately describes how i feel or have felt. i don't often like complain and whine about how hard life has been, because I realize I'm no special case. but i do agree when someone gets the words right. so in this case, eventhough i don't care for the singer much, the words are right for me. they apply in many ways. so enough talk, here it is.

weathered

i lie awake on a long dark night
i can't seem to tame my mind
slings and arrows are killing me inside
maybe i can't accept the life that's mine
no i can't accept the life that's mine

simple living is my desperate cry
been trading love with indifference
yeah it suits me just fine
i try to hold on but i'm callous to the bone
maybe that's why i feel alone
maybe that's why i feel so alone

me, i'm rusted and weathered
barely holding together
i'm covered with skin that peels
and it just won't heal

the sun shines and i can't avoid the light
i think i'm holding on to life too tight
ashes to ashes and dust to dust
sometimes i feel like giving up
sometimes i feel like giving up

me, i'm rusted and weathered
barely holding together
i'm covered with skin that peels
and it just won't heal

the day reminds me of you
the night hides your truth
the earth is a voice
speaking to you
take all this pride
and leave it behind
because one day it ends
one day we die
believe what you will
that is your right
but i choose to win
i choose to fight
to fight

me, i'm rusted and weathered
barely holding together
i'm covered with skin that peels
and it just won't heal

another sunday

another sunday. here i am at home. this weekend has been eventful. not all good events though. friday i went out with J & L and we had a few drinks. i was tired, so i spent the night over at their house. in my room i guess you could say. it's almost like my own room. i woke up to bad news. my phone was ringing and ringing. henry and lisa had left messages. i called henry and he told me the news. three kids, well young adults i guess you could say, got in a car accident. two of them i have known since i was about 14. growing up they lived really close to my high school, they actually went to the elementary school next door, so i used to go over and baby sit them until their mom got home and my sister would pick me up. the other kid (i say kid as if im so old) was their step brother, his dad married their mom after their parents seperated. so it was one girl about 18 or 19 and two boys who were about 20 or so. maybe younger or older. well the girl was driving, and she suffered some head trauma, but was released. her brother, he broke some ribs, broke a bone in his back, and has to wear a plastic back brace for 12 weeks. he will live. sadly, their step brother died in the crash. i'd say he was about 19 or 20. maybe younger. i didnt know him too well, because eventhough i know most of the family (which is a big one) i didnt really know his parents all to well. well i laid on my bed, wondering what to do. i just sat there, everytime i hear something like this, i always remember my experiences. i guess you just can't help but think of those things. so i called my sister because she had left a message, and told her what i knew. leti called me and eventually her and kevin came to get me. we ate, and then later in the day went to the hospital. well saw shane, he looked beat up, but he was talking, he said the brace was very uncomfortable. he was in better spirits then i thought. that kids been throught a lot. just when i think about my life being hard, i think of him and the things he has gone through. things he didn't have to go through. whereas my things are most of time things i put my ownself through. the funeral is on tuesday i believe. another funeral. i wonder how many more we'll have before the end of this system. i dont know. but you know, today i feel good. i woke this morning, got ready and went to the meeting. i feel satisfied with myself. we went to eat after, and i got to see family i hadn't seen in a while. the extended family from Holland are here, so that was nice also. and after i took a brother home, his parents threw him out of the house, and he had to get a little apartment. he has almost nothing. he gets money from the government because he is disabled, and he works for some brothers to make extra money. he doesn't have a bed, just some covers to sleep on the floor. he has no computer, no tv, just a small radio and some books. in the fridge, he has a hamburger, some left overs from today, some fish he caught, and 5 beers. simple. he told me he was going to stay home, he was going to fix his apartment up, unpack what little things he had. but he decided to go the meeting. he tapped me to talk during the watchtower. he was stressed, crying because he was depressed about fighting with his parents. but he wanted to be there at the meeting, he wanted to go out to service, he always kept that first. and you know, i think a person like him, simple minded and in life, he could have more then anyone. he has the will to serve Jehovah, he has a clear conscience. that cannot have a value put on it. life should be simple. i believe that's how we are supposed to live. not care free, but simple. i have constantly been trying to make my simple, but it seems it only gets more complicated. maybe that's how it supposed to be. now i just remember back to when i thought my life was simpler, because at that time i thought it was complicated also. if only i knew then what i know now. would have saved myself lots of trouble. either way, whats done is done. no going back. well im here for the rest of the night i think, just gonna relax. turn up my spanish guitar music and chill. i like sundays. well i hope all is well with everyone. take care of yourselves and your neighbors. adios.

nifty new toy

San Miguel de Allende Pics

an old door

plaza and cathedral at night 

san miguel streets 

i didn't take these pics, but i was there all the same.