another lovely tuesday

im not mad. i promise. just too much on my mind, too much stuff. sometimes i think i will never be where i want to be. it's just so frustrating, even though i don't feel frustrated now. i wish they still had the star wars game at the arcade up the street. i would go blow up the death star and kill some tie fighters during lunch, and I would feel better! but they got rid of the game, of all the games, they got rid of mine. MINE! that was MY GAME! I OWNED IT! if it could talk it would call me PAPI cause i beat the game and took out so much frustration on that poor thing. I'm going to have to buy the arcade game and put it in my future apartment. yeah i know i'm 24 and i'm supposed to be all mature, but I don't care, i want an arcade game in my apartment. so ha. here's something I wrote years ago about the bimbo lara. hehe.

Can’t stand the air in here
It smells of your scent
Open a window let it go quietly
The same manner in which you went.

Frustrated from the diction
Or the lack there of,
Feeling ashamed for my predilection
Never believing the concept of being in love.

To talk it over, is to over talk it,
We’ll end up in the same predicament
You feeling elated
And me left discontent.

Garner 2004

well this weekend, just like every other thanksgiving weekend since i can remember, was time to head out to Garner State Park for some camping, hiking, letting our beards grow and some catching up with old friends. i had to work friday so we kind of got a late start. matt picked me up (his wife and kids were out of town) and we went back to the house to get the tent and my sleeping bag and etc. one last stop at walmart for some impulse buying, and then we were on our way. it took about an hour to get out there, and it was already getting cold. we spent about an hour driving around trying to find my sister's cabin, and then we we did, we spent an hour driving around trying to find our campsite. then when we did find it, someone else was already camped there. we thought about asking them to move, but we just decided to get our own in another area, the park was quite empty anyways. we found our spot and i set up the tent in the dark, with a little help from the moon. the stars were out and the night was somewhat clear. one thing i regret about living in the city is that we never see many stars. i guess i tend to forget how many there out there. never seems to amaze me when i get to see the view in the country. this year we must have had our minds in other places, cause we forgot lots of things. i brought a mini heater, but no extension cord. we planned on having a huge raging fire hotter then all hell and damnation, but we forgot firewood. i planned to sit around the campfire and relax, but forgot my chair. yeah, i know, i'm a city guy, no matter how hard i try to be rough and brash and outdoorsy. so that night we started a fire with some wood we "commandeered" from a local mom and pop store. thanks to them for leaving two stacks of wood so easily accessible at 12:30 in the A.M. that night we had tortilla chips, cold queso dip, and even colder bud light. the night was quiet and cold, and i slept quite well in my sleeping bag. saturday started with egg and sausage tacos, i'd have to say i've never been a big fan of breakfast tacos, but when your hungry, you don't care. they had a basketball tournament that day, you pay $8 and you get a t-shirt and a chance at the title. i didn't bring any basketball shoes, so i humbly yielded. i saw many old friends, some with their new husbands and wives, some with their new babies. sometimes i wonder if i'm behind the times here, i have no wife or kids or any family of my own. sometimes i feel the need to have that security, to settle down and have those things, to have a simpler way of life. i guess one day i will, but just not today. i'm not out living the wild single man's life by any means, but i guess to have a wife and kids seems too foreign to me. well maybe a wife would be nice. ok i dont want to get into all that, so back to camping. well that day was beautiful, the sky was blue, the wind was cool, the food was delicious! we ate at matt's cousin's camp that evening. it was amazing how much food they had. chicken, ribs, hamburgers, and steak all cooked over the campfire. mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, and bread. matt's family sure knows how to eat, Thank You Ramirez's, Parades's and the Casares's, I am forever in debt to you. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then your definately there, along with all the cholesterol. That night just like every Saturday night before since I was 11, Jason's dad Val promised to have a dance. It's funny, because back in the day Val would play tapes through some beat up speakers, and if we wanted a song played we just had to put the tape on the right song and he would play it. Well times have changed. Now Val has a full desktop computer loaded with MP3's and a full speaker and stereo reciever setup. But even with all the modern technology and the higher sound quality, the young guys still came up to request songs so they could dance with that certain girl they had met. It's funny to me. To know that was me so many years ago, doing the same exact thing. But this time i just watched from the sideline, as these guys tried so hard to look cool and to impress the females. I would have to say that this younger generation doesn't know how to properly slowdance. They were bobbing and moving way too fast! I felt like going out there and giving them some lessons on how to properly hold the girl and how to do the simple two step. It's not that hard boys! Either way it was fun to watch, and remember when it was me out there. I got to talking with another friend, well actually a little brother of a old friend. I asked him how old he was now and he's 17! 17! Oh to be 17 again! I loved being 17, graduating high school, living with Chris and the guys. At 17 me and matt (who was 24 or so) took our cross country road trip/move to Washington. I would have to say that was the most fun thing I have ever done. To be on the road with little money, no responsiblity, not knowing where were going to live and work when we got there, it was great! Across New Mexico and Arizona, taking our time in California, and finally through Oregon and Washington. It was great. We got to talking about old girlfriends (well mine atleast) and he said he remembered Alison. He said even back then he thought she was hot. I just laughed, cause well she was. He asked if i still thought about her, and I told him ofcourse. I will remember her, she was my first girlfriend! My first kiss! I told him so much time has passed though, I was 15 when i dated her, and that was 9 years ago! (now you know how old i am). One of the guys around us over heard me, did the math, and muttered a "wow, he's old" under his breath. Yeah, thanks. Stupid kid. I guess I can still pass for a 18 year old though. The dance continued on into the night, but we left for the warmth of our fire, and the coldness of our bud light. that night matt, his cuz jason, steve and his gf tiffany and myself sat around the fire drinking beer and talking about old times. eventually steve and tiffany departed and it was just us three guys. once again i felt a bit odd, i've known these guys for over 12 years now, but still we differ. Jason is married now for 7 years with no kids, and Matt for 2 years with 2 kids. And me with 0 years and 0 kids. How times have changed. How we have changed over the years. No longer are we all single teenagers looking for a future girlfriend or spouse. The new generation has moved in, I guess it's their turn. Sunday we left early, packed up the car and just drove away. No saying goodbye's to everyone we met that year. No group picture taking, no signing shirts or exchanging addresses and phone numbers. Just a quiet exit back to reality. I got back to San Antonio and washed my clothes and took a shower. I met up with some friends and ate dinner and nowtoday I'm back at work. This year was different, there wasn't as many people out there, and it just seemed different somehow. I guess I'm getting older. Back here things are going good, I'm getting my Acura today, so i'm happy about that. Well it's back to the grind, so with that I'm going to end this. Hope everyone is safe and warm and the in the company of loved ones and friends, wherever in this world you might be. Adios.

more from the past

well, there is more. that file that held all the previous rantings, appears to have a lot of other things I've written in the past. i remember thinking this after talking on the phone with her. i remember laying there on my bed, staring at the ceiling of my then room. it was years ago. i guess the words came naturally, without too much of a fight. to me the words still ring true. they still apply, even though my thoughts and feelings have matured since then. im sure some of you have read this before, but here it goes:

I think now about what you said
while I was laying there last night on my bed,

And I have come to one conclusion,
One that’s still full of question marks and confusion

See, I think some fear to be committed,
And yeah, that might be me and you.

Why do we keep love at such a distance?
Are we afraid of love that is real and true?

Why before it starts, we make it end?
Are we that afraid of being more than friends?

Do you really think I’m using you to heal?
And these feelings I have, I don’t genuinely feel?

Am I on one side of the coin, and you on the other?
Will we ever really get to know one another?

I don’t want you to think I don’t like you,
Because I think you know I do,

I don’t want to give you reasons to doubt me,
Cause I know there is already so many too,

I know it must be hard for you to understand,
How a guy can just change,

To completely turn the opposite way,
And restructure, regroup, rearrange,

But because I didn’t like your first,
Doesn’t mean I like you any less,

Maybe it took me time to find out what I really wanted,
Take that time and let my thoughts reassess,

And I still came to the same dead end,
I wanted you more than a friend,

And I admit, it hurt a little,
When you didn’t think I was telling you the truth,

It seemed like I was trying to convince you,
But I had no substantial proof,

And now that some time has gone by,
Have I proved myself a little more real?

Will you react in a positive way?
Or shoot down this small appeal?

I can only imagine how difficult this must be,
To throw your feelings out there, and put your trust in me,

But don’t think ,I won’t come through,
Cause as you’ve seen through my actions, yes, I do care about you,

More then you probably can guess, more than you’ll ever know
More than you’ll ever see, more than I’ll probably show

Because before anything else, you were a good friend
And on that foundation most of it will depend,

So just ponder on it for a while, just give this a little thought,
I still be here, liking you, whether you believe me or not.

past rantings and ravings

i found this in a microsoft file on my personal file here at work. I think i had to be 18 or 19 when i wrote all this. it's funny i admit, some of the thinking i had back then. about time, love, girls, one in particular at the time. i guess some thoughts have changed, matured, and some still apply. either way i look back and cringe. here it goes, this is ultra personal, but i'm not afraid to share:

My Rant
This is my rant...yes this is mine. Because i’ve seen a lot in my little existence. Somethings i will never forget, others i try to forget everyday. You see because i have this war going on in me, the war of good and bad. The same old thing, what i do is not what i want to do. But then in complete contrast, everything i want to do, is exactly what i dont do. So a miserable man i am, well sort of. My life so far has been hard on the mind and easy one the body. I say this because i haven’t had to put a lot physical exertion into my life, but the mental exercise i’ve had to have is beyond compare. The worst part about it is i never asked for any of this. Not saying i wish that i was never born, because that’s not the case, but what I’m saying is that how can so much happen to one person. I think my life has been unfair, but i also know many, many other people have much much worse scenarios than me, so by no means am i special or deserve some pity or special attention. But I’m just stating a fact, my life has not been easy. And anyone who says otherwise is wrong. But to tell you the truth, i wouldn’t have it any other way. I take pride in my problems and troubles, why? I really dont know, but i do. And i know im not suffering alone. There are so many others out there, with such larger predicaments that dwarf mine. I dont want pity, i do not care for those violins, i just want to get this off my chest. So this is my rant. Like it or not.

Girls
Ladies, ladies, I like the ladies. I haven’t had the best track record though. I mean dont get me wrong I’ve had some pretty good relationships with the females, but nothing really ever seemed to last. This last one was going good, but she just wanted to get to serious. Not saying i was never serious, but what does that mean? Serious? Does that mean you have to buy her a ring right after you learn their favorite food and color? What is a good definition of getting serious with a girl, i guess it would mean to be at the point where you are ready to get married and spend your life with a certain person. And that was just not me, i have problems dealing with myself, i figure, how could i spend my whole life with someone. I think it is possible for me, but i really have no idea how to tell it when im ready. I mean its not that im going around and am with all these women, and thats the reason why i dont want to settle down. It’s not that at all, i have no women, there is none. Ok maybe one, but that really is wishful thinking. Something that the odds are so much against, that i never really even think that it would ever work. I’ve known her for about 7 years now. She is the ultimate woman for me. She knows me very well, and some points it seems like she knows what I am thinking. But she is out of reach. She always has been. Maybe I make her that way. Either way, times are weird. You see me and her had a large fallout at end of last year, and we hadn’t talked in a while. I’d say a good couple of months. She didnt feel like dealing with me, and well i didnt really care. So she got to know another guy. They were together, and after a while me and her settled our differences. But their's didnt last, which is weird cause it seems like all the relationships that we have with other people never last, although our relationship seems to have gone through pure hell, and came out fine. I dont understand how it can be like that, how two people can go through things like that and not come out all jacked up, but we did. Somehow we did and we continue to do so. It’s weird, i have been so mad at her at times, times that i just wanted to give up on her, frustrated about how she acted, or how i thought she acted, but i never could hate her. I’ve tried, and it never seems to work, i just end up liking her more. That’s good for her, but it makes me miserable. And i see us together, but i somehow i don’t think she does. It’s sad i know, but thats how life goes right? Sure that’s how it always goes. And I’m so tired of hearing that...thats the way life goes....why! Why does life always have to go that way...!! why can’t it be going good for once!! Why must i try and justify how life sux with the simple “that the way it is” ...who governs whether it will be this or that....oh wait i already know the answer to that question. But there is so much more to be said about girls, but i neither have the time or the stomach to get into it....so that is all i have.

Love.
Man this is the hardest one for me. Growing up i just never really learned the meaning of it very well. I mean I know what it is...or i think i know what it is.. but it’s still hard for me to show it. Actually its very easy for me to say i love someone...but to mean it is different. Like i said i know i love her. How do i know? Because i dont really think about myself when im with her. I mean i dont really think what i can get out of the relationship, i really just want her to be happy. Even if she is not with me. And i’ve proven that. I’ve really tried not to get jealous at all when she has had a boyfriend. Its not easy of course, but i look at it like this....i want her to be happy no matter what, so if she is happy with someone else, who am I to question that? If i went against that and tried to boss her around or tell her that she could only be with me, do you think she would ever think about talking to me or even be my friend? I dont think so....so really acting the macho part would defeat what little purpose i have.

“It doesn’t make me cry to hear dylan say, most likely you’ll go own way....i’ll go mine, i’ll go mine, i’ll go mine.” Today its cloudy again...nice and cold... I love it. I saw her on Sunday, i was cleaning the bathroom and she was helping out vacuuming. We were talking about putting up with me. I said any woman who could put up with me deserves and award. And she does. She put up with me for years now. Man, i love her so much. How can i get over this? How can i get this girl out of my head. And I get scared about losing her, I dont know why? Maybe the more scared I get, the more I push her away. Im selfish in all the wrong areas. I never allow myself to have anything good, something that would actally benefit myself. Always the negative, always the bad. I guess I think i dont deserve it, her. But I do and I even think she knows that. We deserve each other. But of course that will be proven in time. But havent we already proven some of that? I mean I actually starting talking to her when she was 14 and I was 17. That was pretty much damned from the beginning. They all said whatever we had, whether friendship or anything more would just wither away. And we had our fights, yes we did. But we are still going. I think if it can last when we were too young for it to last.. then it surely will do better as the time goes on. And we will become closer. But i think its going to come down to whether if me and her make a conscience effort to make it into something more. And its strange, because I wonder why she hasnt tried it with me yet. Does she know that we might mess it up if we try it too early? Does she think that way? I could ask her, maybe she’s trying to save it for later. Maybe she hasn’t given it much thought. I really dont know, and I’m to chicken to ask. I guess Im stuck doing the hardest thing. Waiting. Wait and see what developes. I was told that when you find that someone then “you’ll know” and then you’ll be ready. Have i found her already? Or have i got a lot more searching to do? Is the girl of my dreams the woman who sits accross from me at work? At church? How can I tell? This youth is hard, its horrible. Now I know why kids want to become adults so much...so they can get out of this teenage years of confusion. I guess Im somewhat impatient...i just want to know who i’ll end up already...i guess thats not impatient, its more like lazy. I want to know who im going to end up with...so then its already done for me, and i wont have to work and go through all the craziness that comes along with it. I can’t look her in the eyes. I have a hard time doing it. I guess I’m just a little nervous, not so much giddy, but just nervous. I’m afraid if i look her in the eye, then I’m not going to be able to stand it. I’d end up just telling her everway i feel about her, how i think she is the best thing that has happened to me, how after we fight i try to hate her, but I just end up loving her more. How I think about her everyday, wonder if we will ever be something more, how I just admire her, and I’m proud of her, how it pains me when she feels sad or lonely...just how I would like to be with her every waking second....how i would try to just make her the happiest person on this earth. And how I ask nothing back from her, I do things for her because I want to, unselfishly and true. It hurts when I think of the possibility of her being just beyond my grasp. It hurts when you want something for so long, and you put your time and energy into attaining it...and you just fall short.. I can’t look her in the eyes. I’d end up seeing something I have wanted so bad, and I haven’t been able to get. That would be too much for me right now. But I’m not giving up hope. I still have myself and my plans. Like I said, time will tell whether something will happen between me and her. For the time being, I just swallow my feelings and put them away....I have work to do, and she does too...but i still have hope for us....maybe in the future someday I’ll get what i’ve wanted, maybe the friendship will turn into something more, I really can’t say right now. I’ll know someday in the future. But for now I’m happy just wondering.


Time
Have i wasted my time on this earth. Ofcourse I have. I think i have wasted so much time on this planet. I think of where i could be, of course i do. Because people never think of how to get there, they just think of themselves already there. I guess its the laziness. I usually dont think of ways i could get there, or what steps i can take to reach my goal, i just automatically want to get there. I know its hard to plan out a whole line of steps one has to take to reach a goal, and sticking to the steps is even harder. But I just wonder where i could be if i would have made changes earlier in life. Maybe i wouldnt weigh as much as I do, maybe i would be better looking, maybe i would be making better money. But i guess it does no good to wonder about it. The more time i spend wondering about it, is the more time that im wasting, and not moving to accomplish the goal itself. Goals, their hard, but their great when you actually reach them.

Friends
They are important to me, of course. But I remember one thing my uncle Joe told me years ago. He told me flat out “friends won’t pay your bills” and really they wont. Well maybe they will, but not for long. But they definitely are good things to have. I can remember sometimes that without friends i dont think i would have made it....they helped me that much. I like friends because they constantly help me better myself. They point out things about me that i can improve on, things i guess the little self-pride i have wont let me admit. But that’s the best way. Honesty. Above all friends need to be honest. And that is one of the hardest things to be. And you think, well i dont want to be mean, but yes, be mean. Sometimes the bitter truth is what people need to hear. I know i like the truth, dont lie to me, i’ll start second guessing you the minute you do. Or atleast I’ll try to.

tuesday november 23

this all seems so trivial
insignificant and frivolous
i overanalyze your every blink and breath
while you remain oblivious

november 18th

i'm sowing the seeds
i'm sowing the seeds i've taken
i'm sowing the seeds i take for granted

this thorn in my side
this thorn in my side is from the tree
this thorn in my side is from the tree i've planted

it tears me and i bleed
and i bleed

i'm pushin' to stay with something better

well im here again, the desk i call home for atleast 5 days a week. it's cold outside, has been for a week or two now. i think i'm finally convinced the winter is here. the weather here is so deceiving, it can get cold for a week and you think the winter is finally here, but then it gets back up to 85. But it seems the this winter is here to stay. I wear a long sleave shirt/sweater and a jacket. time to bring out the navys, the blacks and dark browns. the days seem so short, by the time i leave here its already dark outside. i turned off my a/c in my room, and am even considering bringing out the small heater i've stowed away.

i'm still undecided. seems that my only choice thus far has been to remain indecisive.

too many places are calling my name. san antonio calls for me. iowa calls to me. mexico calls for me (in espanol). i've yet to choose who's call i will answer. my mind bounces back in forth between each destination, weighing each pro and con. i wonder where january will finally find me? i just can't say.

tired of you

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use.

i'm diggin' my way to something better

well here i am. alive and well. the time is winding down, fast, but not fast enough. well i have been thinking a lot about what i'm going do after this all ends. I thinking about mexico, i was thinking about staying here and getting an apartment, and now I have been thinking about Iowa. Iowa? Seriously? Yes, Iowa. My cousin April and Family are up there, and have been for about a year now. Why would i want Iowa? Well there is a few reasons. Besides the snow, they live in a small town. I know in the past I have been anti-small town, i used to tease Matt because he was from Kerrville. I was the young punk from the big city of San Antonio. But you know, with recent trips to Mexico City, and Houston, I'm a bit burned out on the big city life. Or even the middle size city life. A simpler life appeals to me, and this might be my chance to attain it, even if it be for a week or a month. And did i mention the snow? But I do crave the simple life, no not the Paris Hilton show, but a truly more simple, easier, less complicated way of life. I'm tired of rush, the hurry, the frustration, the things that seem to find you when you live in the city. So just like anything else, I'm going to visit and see what developes, and see how the lifestyle would be. I'm not saying I am going to move there for good, but I think maybe a month would do me good to see and get a grasp on how the life would be. Plus I would have to test the job market, and see if its possible I could get a job. I'm really interested in it though, and I guess the trip at the end of year will decide my fate. Living arrangements are being tended too, but if all goes well, I might even have my own little apartment. How cool is that? I mean, honestly, I am very excited about it. I love San Antonio. I love Mexico. I love being in the South. But I can't see myself being happy here. I've tried, but there are just too many memories here. Too many things to remember. But if there is one thing life has taught me, it's that nothing is certain, nothing is concrete, nothing in this world is for sure. So can I say I will love Iowa? No. It might be the place that helps me realize how much I love San Antonio. That is yet to be determined i guess. But for now, that's what I'm going to plan on. This is what I want, this is what I have decided. Too many times have I made decisions based on others and what they want. So yes, you heard correctly, Iowa. Did I mention the snow?

the patient

A groan of tedium escapes me,
startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be.
Otherwise I can't go on.

Draining patience. drain vitality.
this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.

wait it out
gonna wait it out (be patient)

If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

gonna wait it out

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now
And I still may.
I still may.

Be patient.

I must keep reminding myself of this...
If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I... still may,
And I... still may.
And I... still may
And I...

gonna wait it out.
gonna wait it out.
wait it out.
gonna wait it out.

MJK

for martha

whenever i run
wherever i run to you lost one
it’s never done
just hanging on

the past has let me be
returning as if dream
shattered as belief

if you have to go don’t say goodbye
if you have to go don’t you cry
if you have to go i will get by
someday i’ll follow you
and see you on the other side

but for the grace of love
i’d will the meaning of
heaven from above

your picture out of time
left taken in my mind
shadows kept alive

if you have to go don’t say goodbye
if you have to go don’t you cry
if you have to go i will get by
i will follow you
and see you on the other side

but for the grace of love
who'd will the meaning of
heaven from above?

but for the grace of love
who'd will the meaning of
heaven from above?

long horses we are born
creatures more than torn
mourning our way home

B.C.