im back

we all have skeletons in our closets
piles of bones we all try to hide
like catrinas standing motionless
buried down deep inside.

im here, but by no means 100% back.

hola

well here i am, in a internet cafe in san miguel de allende. the day has been sunny and warm, but with a nice breeze. this city is beautiful. very small, very qaint, but beautiful all the same. the assembly was great. had my luggage lost twice on the way there, but ended up having it when i needed it. iliana got baptized. she had a whole group of friends with her, her little entourage. they where happy for her though, i can tell. things move slowly here. it seems like there is nothing better to do then go to the plaza and sit on a bench in the shade. the little ones kick a ball, the older one's watch. ice cream is sold (which is really good) and all sorts of other snacks and desserts. the market is large. seemingly endless. i didnt know san miguel had a lake so close. the area around here is very pretty. rolling green hills, mountains, all the things on the movies that you see and you wonder, where in world is that? could i live here?? i dont know. many unanswered questions thus far. I thought this trip would provide some answers, but it seems like all it has so far is pose more questions. i just don't know.

arrivederci

well todays the day. i fly out in a few hours and gaby and sully are going to be there to get me two hours after that. im not really nervous, i mean i figure i've been on flights so many times. but it is weird when your up in the air. this plane is going to be a small one. its a direct flight to mexico city so they don't use the big jets. its weird to me. i've never been able to grasp the concept of flying and covering a long distance in such a short time. we talk and talk and the other person seems millions upon millions of miles away, spending months and years away from each other, missing each other, and wanting to be around that person. the anticipation grows as the day creeps closer, the hours dwindle down. I finish packing and take my final shower before leaving to the airport. then the eternity of the wait for boarding ensues. then we leave. and 1 hour and 39 minutes later I'm flying over mexico city, and landing. simple as that. all that time waiting, all those minutes i watched pass so slowly while sitting at my desk, they all add up to the 1 hour and 39 minutes. when we land, then they speed up. hours seem like minutes, and soon it's the middle of my vacation and the end is near. i hate that, i wish the time could just on and on, and it wouldn't have to end. but i guess if it never ended, then i wouldn't be able to remember it. i have fond memories of past vacations, minutes well spent with the ones i care about. so today will start those minutes, counting down, all the while me recording them in my memory. hope all is well wherever you may be. Adios.

change

I don't feel the suns comin' out today
it's staying in its gonna find another way
As I sit here in this misery
I don't think I'll ever see the sun from here
And oh as I fade away
they'll all look at me and say, and they'll say
Hey look at him! I'll never live that way
But that's okay

they're just afraid to change

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky
And when your deepest thoughts are broken
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die
And as we all play parts of tomorrow
some ways will work and other ways we'll play
But I know we all can't stay here forever

so I want to write my words on the face of today
and then they'll paint it

And oh as I fade away
they'll all look at me and they'll say
Hey look at him and where he is these days

When life is hard, you have to change.

-S. Hoon

how can a loser ever win?

i look at you and feel the same
yes, my heart is the one who takes the blame

i look at you and feel no shame
because my thoughts you so effortlessly tame

how many times i've heard you say
true love is not a game in which we play.

i could have been a celloist

well im at work, just sitting here waiting for 9 to come so I can leave. this weekend was pretty nice, did a lot of flea market shopping. i really didn't buy much, just a little clock for my desk. as if i needed more things here for my desk.

i've been listening to a lot of spanish guitar music. just the guitar, no words, no accompaniment from the drums or any other instrument, just the guitar by itself. It's very beautiful, i can't seem to get enough of it. It almost seems haunting in a way, just the sound of the strings. i wish i could play like that. when i go to mexico in a two weeks, I think I might look for a classical guitar to purchase. i figure i've always wanted one, so why not? There's a guy here at work, who growing up he would go to a youth place after school. I guess it was a program or some sort of place to keep kids off the street. Well either way he said there was a teacher who taught him how to play the classical guitar. He works here, but he does side jobs with some mariachis. he plays guitar, trumpet, bass, and is working on the accordion. I think that's so awesome. how someone can be so talented like that. I wish i would have made that decision when i was younger, to learn to play. well I did make that decision. When i was in 5th grade we had music glass and we would all have instruments. Moving on to middle school, I had decided that I wanted to be in band. So I signed up for it, and when the year came around, i didn't have band on my list of classes. I checked with the counselors, but they had screwed up and put me in choir. maybe they thought i would make a better singer. well anyways, i tried to get it changed, but by that time it was too late and the band class had already begun and starting figuring out what instruments were for whom. so I missed out on it. I don't know which instrument I would have played, part of me says drums, but then part of me (even back then) wanted to play the Cello. Which actually would have put me in Orchestra not band. So who know's I could have been a great Cello player, and maybe learned guitar through that. I don't know, it's to late now to worry about it. I guess I'll just have to buy my mexican guitar and hope for the best. Maybe someday I'll write and play a song. I surely have enough lyrics. Well hope all is well with everyone, take care all. Adios.

August 4th We are Both Happy

well its late. and im here at the computer. i think im going to go blind from the monitor. or atleast get some sort of cancer. today was uneventful. i ate meatloaf. that's how uneventful. my boss is on vacation. tuesdays aren't known for their excitement, so i'm not too disappointed. i have music blaring over the headphones. everlong. i remember the first time i heard it. i was amazed, i'm sure most people were. the best rock song ever. ever. my blog, so i said so. too bad, if you don't like it, stop reading and go home. and if your already home, then go to work, cause your going to be late. and your boss will be mad. mine won't, cause she's on vacation. i'm going on vacation soon. i really like vacations. beats work. like seriously beats work. im not even kidding. do you even think i am a kidder? i spoke to a woman today named margo. no joke. no kidding. i thought about superman. i used to dress up like him. when i was a kid. then when i was 16, to impress my girlfriend alison, i bought and wore a superman shirt to a party. she liked it. she called me the man of steel. weird, i went to CLARK high school while dating her. oh well. ironic. too many dots to connect. thats where i got the nick name soup. well it came from the SUP part of superman. i had a friend who called me that in hs. they thought i meant the food. so thats how i got the handle Soup. i had a old email called soupystuff@hotmail.com, which doesn't work so dont click on that hyper link. i think i tried soup@blablabla but that one was taken so i came up with soupystuff. suprise surprise no one had taken that one. then when i went over to yahoo mail, i had to come up with a new one. so soupycannon was born. soupy was the the original, cannon came from Cannon Beach which is a beautiful place in Oregon that i love. I've also used wasoupy which the WA coming from the state code for Washington State. Souperman was another one i used, but too many thought of that. i am a man of many handles. this is funny. im talking about nothing and making perfect sense. well in my head atleast. "i know the lines crooked on paper, but i swear i got 'em straight in my head." hehe. well i'm running low on thoughts (for once) so i'll just make this look long by putting some funny quotes i read the other day:

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."

"When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in1912... Well, to make a long story short ..."

hehe...ok hope all is well with all of you. Adios.

good at escaping but better at flaking out

well another eventful weekend. too much to fit in one post. ok well maybe not. went to the flea market, ate some mexican food, looked at pool tables, walked the mall, went to the drive in, drank beer, ate kfc, ate ice cream, ate popcorn, ate pizza, drank pepsi. ok so i eat a lot. that's been established now. but you know this weekend had a lot of time devoted to thought. even when i was trying to concentrate on the movies, i was in my own thoughts. contemplating my future, and just what it might bring. i have two choices. one the safer choice and the choice the reasonable person would pick. the other the more daring, risky choice, the one you make when haven't thought all the things through. And I don't know which one is the better choice. thought or instinct? sometimes i think if i make the thoughtful, seemingly smarter choice i will be less happy. because my happiness would be skyrocketed with the riskier choice. so this is my dilemma of the moment. for the next 6 months to be exact. which direction will i decide my life will go in? only 24 and I'm making decisions that will effect my life in a big way. you'd think I would be used to this by now. guess one never does get used to those things. i ponder on what decision my mom would approve of more if she was here. but then again, i wonder if she would have taken a step back and let me decide and make my own decisions to learn from them. i wonder that a lot. some people say that if my mom was here she wouldn't approve of some of decisions that have been made, not only with me, with my sister and brother. but honestly, i think that we don't really know. maybe those who knew her can say that, because her traits and her way of thinking became familiar to them. but is that really so? i know sometimes i make complete opposite decisions of what people think i'm going to. keeps them guessing i suppose. so i don't like to think that she would necessarily disapprove of certain things her children have done or are going to do. i think she would just trust that we knew what we were doing. and that we would be able to handle whatever circumstances we received by our decisions. she would be there to lend a hand, i know that much. she would be there to bop me on the head whenever i need to be realigned. that i have no doubt. but i think she would let us live our lives and love the people we want to love. maybe i'm wrong, but then again, maybe i'm not. if i have the chance, I'll have to ask her. But that is sometime in the future, and for now I still have the decision. with my job ending, my world changes. a new year will begin, and it might not find me here. it might find me somewhere else. where is that? i think that is still to be determined. if it is at all. it will be closure. as if i needed any more. i think this life has taught me about new beginnings and endings. i seem to quote the matrix a lot on here, but for a lack of better words, its true. "everything that has a beginning, has a end. " atleast in this system that is. a chapter of my life will end and new one will begin, whether i like it or not. sometimes life doesn't ask what you want, or what's more convenient to you. it decides for you. fate? no. destiny? no. just circumstance, just daily life. and that's how it goes. that's how it always goes. i truly hate that saying. with all my heart i despise that saying. why? why does it always have to go that way? that seems such a cop out. that's how it goes. why?! why must it always go? isn't there times when it doesn't go at all?? i remember my dad, he would always say "must be nice." and I catch myself saying that from time to time. and i hate it. must be nice. in other words, im not going to try, im just going to sigh and not doing anything about it. if there is one thing I've learned from my dad, is to try. and that's because he didn't. this is my opinion of course. i know some family members have theirs, and I have mine. and from what i saw from him, he didn't. it's not about winning, in being a good father, in being a good example, it's not about coming in first and being the best. it's about trying. i never expected him to be the best dad. i knew he had his problems. but all he had to do was try. he did sometimes, but overall he felt sorry for himself and gave up. that's the person i don't want to be. i see parts of that in me, it's only obvious that some parts would show up. but i try to combat it with other examples that I have. i sometimes wonder if the average person has all the thoughts i have. i mean is that normal? does the average person have to fight himself on a daily basis? and I realize, that yes they do. probably even more so. like I've always said, my life has been pretty hard. the hardest? no, not at all. but it is hard enough for me. i'd like to think Jehovah has let my life be the way it is, because he knows i can handle it. anymore would be too much. he allows only what he knows you can bear. and if we do have more then we can bear, it's not because of him. it's because we messed up somewhere along the line and added to the burden. i guess where I'm at, i want to start taking away from it. over the last 3 years i have seemed to add more then ever. and i am ready to get back to my little burden, the one i naively thought was world ending back then. the one i miss now. but that beginning has ended. now with this new one i have a chance to do what i want, what I have always wanted to do. be the person i want to be. and continue to love the one that i do. i guess some things won't change. but until then i will still be eating, drinking pepsi and beer, concentrating on the movie and trying not to think.

hope all is well wherever you may be. adios.