letterbomb

She said "I can't take this place,
I'm leaving it behind",
She said "I can't take this town,
I'm leaving you tonight."

whatsername

thought i ran into you down on the street
then it turned out to only be a dream
i made a point to burn all of the photographs
she went away and then i took a different path
i can remember the face, but i can't recall the name
now i wonder how whatsername has been

seems that she disapeared without a trace
did she marry old what's his face?
i made a point to burn all of the photographs
she went away and then i took a different path
i remember the face, but i can't recall the name
now i wonder how whatshername has been

remember, whatever it seems like forever ago
remember, whatever It seems like forever ago
the regrets are useless, in my mind, she's in my head
(i must confess)(from so long ago)
and in the darkest night
if my memory serves me right
i'll never turn back time
forgetting you, but not the time.

BJA.

friday

You know I think about that time
When those things seemed so much easier
When we would meet on Sunday
And just be happy to see each other

And I let you down
And you moved on
And I’m in no better shape
Than I was back then

And your happy now
And that’s what I wanted you to be
And I’m sure that’s why you are
Because your not with me

i don't remember who i wrote this about. have a good guess, but honestly i don't know. i suprise myself sometimes, because i read stuff and i'm like wow! and then i remember i wrote it. hehe...hope everyone's friday is going well.

wednesday still at 15%

well it's wednesday, and yup I'm still here at 15%. I haven't been working on my room much, I guess my attention has been a bit divided. I still plan on finishing this weekend though, so hopefully I will have some finished product pictures soon. well today is going pretty good, there was a big job fair here today, actually a nice turn out of potential companies. I talked to Aegis Mortgage again, because I had spoke with a rep at a different job fair. The positions are in Houston, and I don't know if I'm willing to relocate. It's not too far, but then just far enough. There really isn't a reason to stay in San Antonio, just the fact that it's a pain to move and start over. So I don't know, time will tell. As it always has. Well as many of you have I'm sure, I've been watching the baseball games. Man what a stressful I had lastnight! But it's all good, I enjoy the playoff baseball. Makes me feel like I'm 6 again, there at Sally's house watching "The Natural." That movie used to amaze me, I don't know why, I've never been a avid baseball fan. Maybe I dreamed to be Roy Hobbs, as I'm sure every boy who saw that movie did. Always knowing you could be better then you are, but because of circumstances, you just can't be. Plus, who wouldn't want to run the bags with sparks falling from the sky? Tonight is the big game. I plan on being there too, sitting in front of the ol' tube. You know, maybe I could have been more then I am, but circumstances have their own plans. I'm not happy where I'm at now, but I know I can change that. With a single swing of a bat, things can change, life can alter. So I guess I'll just be patient, and see what life pitches.

Go Red Sox!

monday at 15%

well i thought i would take a little break from my blog. maybe i had writers block, maybe i wanted it to seem my life is so interesting and busy i hardly have time for it. I guess figured i would let "something happen" that way i could actually write something with substance. but of course nothing has really happened. so your stuck with the same old me again. well, actually some new developements have ocurred. i had a old friend email me recently, turns out she works for Wamu also now. Haven't seen or heard from her in a few years, so it's nice to catch up. Many things have changed since those earlier days, when i was 17 and life was more carefree. It's funny to even think my life was at one time carefree. But those days have passed, they leave me be, and I do likewise.

The biggest developement so far in my life is closer to home. In my own room actually. Because I embarked on a huge journey. I started cleaning. Yes, me, Robert Kendall Bell, I've started cleaning my room. Now most of you, well probably all of you don't know what type of undertaking this is. For the record, I don't keep food in my room. I never take any type of food in my room. So there is not rotting flesh under my bed, no hardened pasta stuck to my table, no petrified bits of apple under my pillow. Now my room is messy yes, but with clothes and papers, not with food. So get that out of your minds. But even without food, it's quite an undertaking. Years and years of clothes, most of which need to be donated or sold at the thrift store. But I won't stop there. No by cleaning this room, I'm reinventing myself. Leaving the old me behind, putting it in the trash bags with all the other old bills and endless receipts from meaningless past purchases. I have big plans for my room. Simplicity, Comfort, only what i want in there. When I'm done, it might look empty to some, but i believe in less is more. I'm not so much a minimalist, but I think the less stuff you have, the less you have to keep clean. And over the years, I have not been able to do that. For lack of better words, I have too much crap. I spent my time and money on so many things I thought I wanted, and never on the things I really needed. Actually I still dont have thing's I really really wanted. I wanted a table, a chair, a laptop, a bed, a dresser drawer, and a tidy closet. Sometimes getting down to that seemed impossible, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. I'll send more progress updates on the room. But as of now I'd say I'm about 15% finished. I can see a portion of the floor again, which means my theory that I'm hovering on a layer of clothes is false. Back to the Drawing Board I guess. I think I will even post pictures of the finished product, so all of you can gawk and be amazed. Or atleast laugh and point. Either reaction is exceptable and expected.

days

if i loved you today
and tomorrow brought nothing but hate
then i would understand,
why you hesitate

but if i could only love you for one day
then i'd make it my last
that way i wouldn't remember,
other days from my past

and if my love ended tomorrow
then why would i even bother?
love cannot live "one day at a time"
this love doesn't resemble my father

and you are correct
the next day brings a different circumstance
but that doesnt mean im going to remain idle
no i'm always going to take the chance

i wasn't raised with concrete under me
the fault lines run so deep
i realize everything i've sown
i will someday reap

and tomorrow and the next will come
and ill be there working in your field
cultivating for later days
when you'll be the full yield.

palm of your hand

when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed it,
when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed...
the bricks and mortar have all given way,
at first, they resisted, but then they began to sway

how can you say, forever is at your command?
how can you say, the future is in the palm, in the palm of your hand?

when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed it,
when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed...
that gaping hole was once a foundation,
where you stand now were tools in a basement,

and...how can you say, forever is at your command?
wow can you say, the future's in the palm, in the palm of your hand?

tLt

I, I'm a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky to hang
the stars upon tonight...
but I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away?
And leave it all behind?

Three Poems, One Day

Well I’d have to say this is where we end,
No longer are you a friend,
And its weird to say those things,
Cause I don’t know what the future brings.

You say I don’t like him,
Can you really blame me?
Those years so long ago
They have faded so slowly.

Its seems long ago that you wrote me those words,
Even though today im writing these for you,
We have grown so very apart
Seems like we’ve been split into so much more than two,

And your going to say those vows,
And im not going to be there to hear,
Maybe it’s that closure to me that’s absurd
Maybe it’s your look that I fear,

And when I see you, it’s that empty feeling
Nothing there left to keep
Wake without those memories,
Forget you in my dreams,
Losing you all along, but never any sleep.

**************************************

For the first time im lost for words,
Thinking how you affect my mind
How can I ever keep looking for what I want?
When you’re the only thing I ever find?

This has become quite redundant
Do we even remember what the fight was for?
Were not the same people,
Not the one’s we were before,

And this is where we part
Eventhough we know it may be tough
I really do love you,
But I love you just not enough.

*************************************

I could pick and go,
And do away with all I have accomplished,
Has it all become enough for me?
Is that all what I want it to be?

If I never showed the desire to heal
Would I still have this to feel?
If I had no desire for closure,
Would I still have the same exposure?

Nothing is pure concrete,
Just as it has always been,
Here I am waiting it out,
Tediously watching it happen again.

If there was no reward to reap,
Would I just have stayed asleep,
Was it easier back then?
Is it easier to just get up and walk away?
I still have my chance, and I just may.