The Last Stand of Robert Kendall Bell

as a wamu employee that is. Today is the day. The End. Today closes out my term, my sentence here. I walked in this building for the first time as a 18 year old kid. I walk out today for the last time a 24 year old man. How things have changed, how I have changed. How many things I have learned, and how many things I tried to forget. This building is the setting for so many different scenes. So many thoughts have gone through my mind while under this roof. Good times, bad times. This is where I was when I met her. This is where I was when we fought. This is where I decided I loved her. This is where I always was. This was my second home, if not my first. I spent more time here then anywhere else. I've rode these elevators more then any others. I've walked in those doors more then any other doors. And now, it's over. Now the time to move on has come. My life will continue, but it will not continue here.

I think about all the people that came and went over the years, making their mark on my life. Some were good marks, some were not. In the early days, the job was bliss. The work was difficult, but I put up with it because of the enjoyment I had with the people here. The money wasn't bad either. But the people, those what made this place the best, and the worst. The names echo in my head now, waiting for their time to be forgotten and or occasionally remembered. So many people I have met here, many I have gotten close too. It will be strange to not see them, but it will be acceptable in my mind. I realize this is how life works, this is the natural progression. People come, people go. That's how life has taught me, and that's how I have learned. But it will still be strange, it will still be odd. How do you just walk away from 6 years of your life? How? I guess it's just like anything else. Time. Time takes care of all that. But how much time? How long will it take? I guess that's yet to be seen. I would name the people, but there's too many. And I fear I would forget someone important. So I won't.

Today is not only my last day here, but later today I have to have my wisdom teeth pulled out. Perfect ending to a perfect day. So from here, I get to go get put under and have someone cut in my gums to remove 4 teeth. Fun! Actually I am looking forward to it, I look forward to the pain being gone from my back teeth. All those nights of pounding headaches will be gone. I will be free! How I long for that little bit of freedom from pain. I will be happy for that.

So folks, this the the last sign off. This is the last post for me as a employee here. I thank everyone who has come into my life through this place. The good as a pleasure, and the bad, yes even the bad as a learning experience. I will miss this place, I truly will. But life is about new beginnings, life is about enjoying what you have. And I eagerly await what life has in store for me.

the day after

well here i am. at my desk at the beginning of the end. 4 more days. then all is lost. funny how fast this has gone. how swiftly time has moved. soon the life i have known for so long will be changed forever. i welcome the change.

this weekend was a nice one. i had friday off which i didnt do much on. went to some stores, and to dinner later on in the evening. saturday, i moved. i still had some things left in the house, my computer table, my record player, the little kitchen table and i needed to move those. not too many places were open, so i just ate at a gas station. a jalapeno sausage hot dog, a big bag of doritos, and a coke. it was actually pretty darn good. after that i ended up meeting with my brother and leti for dinner. we ate at Ihop. that was better then the hot dog. after we went to leti's to watch return of the king. it was so awesome, it was the extended version with all the scenes they didn't put in the theatres. and what great scenes they were! i loved it, even if it was 4 hours long.

sunday was the best. i decided to take a day off from the moving, and visit her. i drove to houston in the afternoon and met up with her at her aunt's house. she looked as beautiful as i remember. we ended up going to the mall with her cousins, and then later to eat. after we went over to her other cousin's house to pick up her passport and ticket, because she wanted to go to the airport to see about changing her flight. the airport was so empty, so barren. that airports always haunts me. the memories of that concrete column whisper in my ears. but i made peace with it. the memories can now finally rest. i dropped her off and said the thousandth goodbye, after a milkshake and a cookie, and headed back to san antonio. it was a great day. how i missed her. her face, her hands, that stare she gives me. how it pains me to be away from that stare.

i got home late, well early morning more like it, walked into the apartment (yes i got an apartment finally). there's no furniture in it yet, and it was freezing in there. i had a sleeping bag and my blankets and laid out my bed. i was tired. the alarms woke me up at 7:30, but i didnt unzip my sleeping bag until about 8:05 am. the shower sucks. the hot water lasted about 4 1/2 minutes, and then i was freezing. i never knew that south texas could be so cold. i guess it doesn't help when your wet from the shower. i jumped in my car and turned the heater on full blast, and soon i was nice and toasty. and again, i am here. "well, I'm back." as good samwise once said.

sweet euphoria

sweet euphoria,
mine is the heart you own
you lost the grace of the hands that harmed you
in the daze of a thousand yawns
lost my love,
as it is i’m truly gone

in your morning i will sleep
fire on an open palm
death for jesus and plastic armies
wouldn’t bring me back again
sweet as ether eyes
i’m blind to them

and in your aching hour
time wilts like flowers
sleeping on land-mine pillows
tired angels
save my love for the lasting one

sweet euphoria,
mine is the heart you stole
touched and broken are the things you love
using stars to light your candles
warms my face, but i can’t remember yours

gone are your dandelions,
falling like mine
falling like daydream mangos
diving swallows
save my love
save my love
save my love
for the lasting one

sweet euphoria.

all hail chris.

seasons

summer nights and long warm days
are stolen as the old moon falls
my mirror shows another face
another place to hide it all
another place to hide it all

and i’m lost, behind
the words i’ll never find
and i’m left behind
as seasons roll on by

sleeping with a full moon blanket
sand and feathers for my head
dreams have never been the answer
no, dreams have never made my bed
dreams have never made my bed

and i’m lost, behind
the words i’ll never find
and i’m left behind
as seasons roll on by

now i wanna fly above the storm
but you can’t grow feathers in the rain
and the naked floor is cold as hell
this naked floor reminds me
oh the naked floor reminds me

that i’m lost, behind
words i’ll never find
and i’m left behind
as seasons roll on by

if i should be short on words
and long on things to say
could you crawl into my world
and take me worlds away

should i be beside myself?
and not even stay?

and i’m lost, behind
words i’ll never find
and i’m left behind
as seasons roll on by

chris, you said it best.

?

why is she always so far away?
why is it when i'm busy she's not, and when i'm not, she is busy?
why can't i call her everyday?
why do other people interrupt us?
why does it seem like we will be never together?
why must i always feel like we won't work out?
why must i be so negative?
why must i regret so many things?
why do i have to have this life?
why do i have to struggle to make ends meet?
why couldn't i been born into a rich family?
why must i work everyday?
why must i always see the ending before the beginning?
why does this song make so much sense?
why do they act like that towards me?
why must i fear for her so much?
why can't i let her go?
why can't she trust me?
why can't i trust her?
why must something always go wrong?
why must i be so often the one without?
why don't i just suck in my pride and go?
why do i miss?
why am i feeling so guilty?
why doesn't she?
why can't things just work out for once?
why can't she just love me back?
why must i have her on my mind always?
why can't i forget?
why can't i forgive?
why can't life just be normal?
why should i care?
why should i be positive?
why don't i diet?
why don't i work out anymore?
why must i jump to conclusions?
why don't i clean my car more?
why don't i take pride in what i have?
why don't i appreciate things for what they are?
why don't i try harder?
why don't i have as much confidence as i did?
why can't i just be me?
why must i write what i don't want?
why do i have to watch my life pass me by?
why do i have to be jealous?
why do i worry so much?
why did she leave me?
why didn't i stay next to her?
why didn't i try harder to be with her?
why did she die?
why did i fight with him?
why do i feel bad?
why couldn't i be what i want to be?
why can't i be more responsible?
why do i have to put up with any of this?
why do i think about her every minute?
why can't i live without her?
why do i love her with everything that is me?
why do i love?
why?

world of two

i don't want to
hear you whisper
i don't want to orbit
your world of two

there's only room for you
in your world of two

i don't like to
hang around you
i don't want to live
in your world of two

there's only room for you
in your world of two

it's not that i don't like you
but it's not that i don't love you
it's not that i don't think you are
two of the most perfectly, beautiful, people in your world
in your world of two

there's only room for you
in your world of two
there's only room for you
in your world of two
in your world of two
there's only room
there's only room
there's only room for you


this song takes me back a few years. i used to like this girl, and she ended up marrying a fellow friend of mine. since then i haven't kept in contact with them. actually the last time i talked to her, she was mad at me. she said that when i saw them one time, i called her boyfriend (they weren't married yet) a name. she said that she was angry because she didn't know why i didn't respect him. why i didn't recognize that he was going to be her husband. at the time i laughed and hung up on her. the nerve! and you know, now i kind of feel the same way. i honestly don't care much. because it's funny how the story goes. we are all friends, and as soon as someone gets married, it's pretty much like they are gone. they have left the group and have decided to make their own world together. that's how it works as you get older, and mature. and that's what this song reminds me of. i'm not mad she married him and not me, i'm not jealous or bitter. i just want to say that i'm happy for them. even to this day, they don't speak to me. and that's ok. if that's how they want to be, then fine, it's their choice. but i just want to make it clear, that i mean no harm. I wish them the best, i hope they are truly happy together as a couple. but as the song says, that's were it stops. i refuse to orbit around them, and be one of their groupies. they are in their own world, and i refuse to live in it. their is no space for me there. it's funny how some people just seem to orbit around others, to make other's their sun, the central part of their universe. but i just can't. and i won't.

end of the movie

People you love
Will turn their backs on you
You'll lose your hair
Your teeth
Your knife will fall out of its sheath
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie

People you hate will get their hooks into you
They'll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tar you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show

People you hate will get their hooks into you
They'll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tar you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show

i've been listening to the this song over and over lately. it's very short and very simple. it's funny cause in the NPR interview John Mcrea explains the motivation behind it. He says that some people don't keep living, don't keep going on with life because they are happy. But because they are curious. And that made sense to me. Some people don't have anything to live for, except to see how the ending will be. When things are as bad as they can be, some people stick with it, just to see how it will end up. They want to see how the plot will unravel and how the ending will manifest itself. so in that way then the lyrics made more sense to me. speaking to this individual, he was saying that people are going to commit wrongs against them, they are going to cause strife and grief to them. just like people in the world do. but this person still didn't want to leave, they still held on. why? just to see the end of the movie. to see how all of it played out. to me i take that as a positive thought. that no matter how bad things can get, even if you are void of happiness altogether, why not hold on? atleast to see how it all ends up? if you don't, you may never know. i can relate to this, being as my life seems too often like a movie. an afterschool special, then a tradegy, then to a love story, a drama, and through it all a comedy. would you leave a good movie in the middle of the plot? i know i wouldn't. this life maybe unscripted, but i'll keep recording mine. maybe someday this life will turn out to be a nice little story to share with a loved one. until then, be safe, and enjoy your sunday.

Friday

well today has been pretty uneventful so far. i started cleaning out my desk, and putting things together to take home. Only two more weeks here. One more pay period. with the holidays, only 8 more work days. This point seemed so far away before, but now it seems to be right in our faces. Almost seems like it's not real, eventhough I know it is.

I ate a cheese steak sandwich today. As I sat here and listened to Cake. For those who know me, you know I love Cake. I mean the band Cake. They are the best. Ever. hehe. Ok maybe not ever, but they are one of my favorites. I love the simplicity in the music. The lyrics that sound like everything I really want to write. John Mcrea, your the best. I listened to a interview he did on NPR the other day. He said that most of his lyrics are about romances, and relationships gone bad. And what better to write about? What other universal thing to write about then love itself? Isn't that what every song is about anways? The bliss of love, the pain from love not returned, the betrayal of love, and the consequence when there is the absence of it. To some Cake's music doesn't make sense. The lyrics are off the wall and sometimes don't seem to fit. But isn't that just how things in life? Doesn't life sometimes not make sense? Isn't there times that just don't seem to fit together? In my life there is plenty of those times. I just don't know what it is about them, but I just love them. And with that I will name my favorite songs on each of their albums, because they have more then you probably know. Here it goes:

1st Album: Motorcade of Genorosity (1994)
All are Good but the favorite on album is: Mr. Mastodon Farm

2nd Album: Fashion Nugget (1996)
This is a life changing album. If you don't own it, go out and buy it.
It's a very, very hard choice, but my favorite is by far: Sad Songs & Waltzes

3rd Album: Prolonging The Magic (1998)
Cake does it again. Another life changing album. Favorite song: Alpha Beta Parking Lot

4th Album: Comfort Eagle (2001)
Awesome album, saw them live for this album, the best show ever.
Another hard choice, but I think that my favorite song is: World of Two

5th Album: Pressure Chief (2004)
The newest album. A little different sound but awesome nonetheless.
Hard choices on this one, but my favorite song(s) would have to be: End of the Movie & Palm of Your Hand.

So that's it folks, if you want to know more about Cake and their awesome music, check out www.cakemusic.com. They are the best, I know this and you will too.

Hope everyone is safe and warm with the ones that they love. Have a good weekend, wherever in this world you may be. Adios.

for becks

Forever make it last
Forever take pleasure in you
Or topple down to the earth
Like they’d expect me too.

And excuses are grace
And procrastination is my key
Weakness i hold as treasure
Yes, there all parts of me

But holding on was always a lot harder
Then i ever thought it to be
And the release of the thoughts
Was always an impossibility

Watching through the one way mirror
Feeling nothing but pity and shame
And if places were traded, would they still be elated?
Seeing their reflection in the blame

But insults are just as sweet
As compliments given out
For my delights the same, in words of praise
Than it is in scorn and doubt.

And how could i win their approval
Show me how to maneuver them to my side
Teach me how to empty myself
So i can be refilled with that ridiculous pride

So, really, negativity i welcome with open arms
And their contempt and disdain i accept with a grin
For i brought this upon myself,
I wouldnt have started this race, if i didnt expect to win.

I wrote this back in 1999 for my then gf Becky. See the problem then was her dad (well both of her parents) weren't too keen on me. they pretty much just didn't like me. they didn't know me, and from the looks of it weren't concerned about getting to know me either. back then i thought it was a huge injustice for that to happen. how can they dislike me so much? what have I ever done to them? (besides date their only daughter). I was so enraged by this, i was so infuriated by their lack of interest in the guy their daughter liked. and the by product? this poem. i worked on it A LOT, revision after revision until it finally come out saying the exact way i felt. i must have changed the last line atleast 4 times, each one ending in a completely different way. but over the years, now that things didn't turn out the way i thought (which actually is my fault) i can look back and learn. see back then i began thinking in a way i had never thought before. because it seemed that all i got was negativity from them, then i was happy about that. i took that as if they don't know me, but still are taking the time, to talk about me, to make up stories, to be "concerned" then i was happy about that. that sounds odd i know. but in my head i thought it through this way. when you have nothing, even the bad is something. let me put it in a illustration. you have bad credit. does this mean you have no credit? no, you it's just bad. but you HAVE it. that was my point. even if they were thinking negative things about me, they were still thinking about me. and to me, that was enough. i was not going to let them dismiss me so easily. i was so determined to have my face in their view at all times. just to let them know i wasnt going away, that i was still there. and if they were going to give me the negativity, then i would love it, i would cherish it, i would make it my own. I think most people would not understand that, cause how could you embrace negativity and having people talk about you like that? i guess it's up to the person. I know I can be a negative person. I know that. That's something that I have within me, be it a flaw. So when they gave me that, i felt it was something I already had, it was something I was used too. I knew I could handle it. It did make me mad, but I was determined to not let them win. If i was going to be down, then it was because I was going to be down, and not because of them. I think about it now, and of course how things worked out, it didn't make much difference. But I'm glad. Not for how it ended, but because I tried and worked, and got something I wanted. It's a good example for me, that if you try and you work, then yes sometimes you do get what you want. And the attitude I still have. I've changed it a bit, because maturity and circumstances do that. But I'm the same way. Like I'ved said before, i don't believe so much that things happen for a reason. But the things that do happen, can be used as reasons. Reasons to change, reasons to love, reasons to learn. and those negative things are converted into positive things. a lot of time people think I'm negative, and like i said before, that can be true. but usually when I sound negative, i'm not being negative. i'm just being realistic, and trying to learn from the experience or circumstance. and oh how much is there still to learn! about life, love, women! i can never be finished learning about women. such complex and yet so simple creatures. but's that a whole other post. and you know, the attitude is not easy. it isn't always easy being positive, especially when you have nothing but negative to work with. and that's where I guess I think it's up to the person. It take a conscience effort to be positive, because naturally, and with the world the way it is, we are negative. We start off positive, and because of life, because of others and circumstances, we become negative and bitter. And it's by no means easy to be and remain positive. sometimes there appears to be no point in being positive. but with me, how i have learned, i have to be. i know being negative brings nothing to the table. and that doesn't mean i'm mr. happy go lucky, i don't dance around and jump out of bed in the morning. that's just not me. maybe I choose the hard way sometimes when I don't need too, but that's just me. that's my life so far. the good with the bad. like d. grohl said so eliquently:

Good and Bad
I swear I've had
them both are overrated
but isn't it fun?
when you get hold of one.

wait and pray you'll pick on me
the day i raise my hand
Guess that I've been blessed
But I'll be damned.

hot meat and cold feet

well it's freakin' cold outside. the weird part about it is that's actually sunny and clear and a beautiful day. but its freakin' cold. really freakin' cold. my hands and feet were numb, and my even my jeans were frozen. i love it. well sort of. i went outside on my break because today we are bar b queing. since our days are numbered here, we decided to throw a bar b que lunch. we parked a bar b que pit on top of the parking garage and everyone chipped in for ribs and brisket and all sorts of dead animal. We also have plenty of sides, and chips and dips and baked potatoes and salad. And of course what would a bar b que in Texas be without the beans and rice? I believe somebody brought some borracho beans, and oh yes how I love me some borracho beans! So depending on when we start, I plan on being completely stuffed at about 1:30 pm today. If only we could have a beer with the bar b que. How dare they hold us back! Thank goodness for the borracho beans. They better be BORRACHO too! I'm not talking like the got a little buzz, giggling, had a vodka tonic beans. I want those beans to be the falling over, DUI getting, puking little bean puke, can't remember the night before kind of beans! Those are the best. A few plastered cerveza saturated pieces of bacon wouldn't hurt either. Oh I can't wait, only 52 minutes to go.

Dang!

Disclaimer: If you are reading this, then your already wasting your time.

I say that cause this post has no meaning. As opposed to earlier posts which were all dramatic and stuff, this one is worthless. I really having nothing to say. I got bar b que sauce on my shirt. Good thing it's black! ha! oh you would have to read the big post below this one to understand that joke. Well I hate chicken nuggets. hahha...I meant I ATE chicken nuggets. I don't hate them! If I hate them, why would I have eaten them? Actually maybe I do HATE them, and that's why I ate them? If I loved them, I would have spared their crunchy little round bodies. Well I'm going to get a coke, or maybe a dr. pepper. You know it seems like when I eat mexican food, I have to drink Dr. Pepper. You think it would be a Big Red, but nope, I don't like it. I wonder why I do that? Well I'm going to get my soda now. Everyone be good now!

i'm the lonely man in black

you know while getting dressed this morning (in a super rush cause i was late) it dawned on me. i'm wearing the same thing day after day. I dont mean the same shirt, or the same jeans, but the same color. i seem to unknowingly be wearing black everyday. because it's our last days at work (2 more weeks to go) we can wear jeans, a privilege i take advantage of everyday. but as for my shirt, these days it's always black. long sleeved, short sleaved, collar, no collar, doesn't matter its black. i even bought a shirt last night at wal mart (yeah i know big spender) and what color did i buy? blue? Nope! Red? Never! Grey? Nuh uh! Black, black, always black. And I wonder why? Am I depressed? Am I feeling down? is it normal? The funny thing about it is, this isn't the first time. I remember back when I dated Becky, she would always point out that I wore a black shirt, blue jeans, and boots. Which is pretty much what I have on these days. Could it be the winter weather? I remember when I was in Paris and London, everybody wore black. Am I trying to have that European look? Maybe I'm fashionable! Hehe...I doubt that, considering half of my clothes came from Wal Mart. I've always heard that black absorbes heat, is that why people wear darker clothes in the winter? to absorb the most heat they can? Well actually, growing up my favorite color had been black. Is that morbid? Don't get me wrong, i like blue and grey, and actually lately I have started wearing more brown. I don't know why, must be that Mexican influence kicking in.

Well i stayed up for the meteor shower lastnight. Was outside at about midnight waiting to see the little streaks of light. I saw a whopping 3. But don't worry, I don't blame you meteorites. I blame the city of San Antonio. They should have known there was a meteor shower lastnight, and in preparation, they should have turned off the lights. we don't need lights all night long. what good are they when people are already asleep? and don't cars already have headlights? we don't need street or highway lights. and yes it's true, i could have driven out farther in the country where i would have seen more, but what by myself? see in these times, i wish i had someone. i wish i had her. what could possibly be more romantic then that? sitting outside, it was cold so we would snuggle, watching the stars fall out of the sky. i mean come on! if that doesn't sound storybook, i don't know what does. and you know, that make me think of what I have always said. I have been in some of the most romantic places, at the most oppurtune times, and I have looked next to me, and there was nobody there. and the person that was there, was not the person i wanted to be there. it started when I moved to Washington. we had stopped outside of Portland, and made our way to the coast. We ate in town called Cannon Beach, the place they filmed The Goonies. Well I remember walking out of the restaurant, the sunset was starting, and a light fog was moving in. Me and Matt and another friend walked down the beach, and we witnessed the most beautiful sunset ever. We all thought the same thing, cause as we walked down the beach, we all said, man what are we doing? Look at this! We have the most beautiful setting here, and we got no one. We should have chicks with us! It was so....stupid. Then on to Paris. As I walked through the Louvre, sat at the banks of the Sienne, as I sat there looking at the Eifel Tower, it sparkling with the new lights they had put up on it, I sat alone. I ate my strawberry tart (which i would have shared with someone if someone was there) and gazed at the beauty of the structure. London was the same, as I walked through Picadilly Circus, and crossed Tower Bridge, stood next to Stonehenge, and I look next to me, and the space is empty. I remember walking in Central Park and shopping in Manhattan, and next to me was empty. I remember being on the Cruise ship in the Carribean, and after dinner going up to the empty top deck, looking out over the ocean while the moonlight hit the waves, and there next to me, nothing. I remember riding back to Puerto Vallarta on a boat, watching the sunset over the bahia de banderas and yup, you guessed it, nothing. How many places I have been, how many sunsets and postcard worthy scenes I have seen, and I have no one to share them with. That's the only draw back of being single. I love being single, I really do, but those are things I would like to share. Those things are meant to be shared.

Well I guess now all of you see a little bit of softer side of me. It's true, I sometimes do get lonely, sometimes wish I had a partner in crime. For too long have I felt on my own, alone. It's not something that had made me sad or depressed, because I realize that's the deal life has dealt. Growing up I was told I would have to take care of myself, worry about myself, provide for myself, because no one else would. And I guess as I get older, (yeah i know 24 isnt old) I start to feel selfish for some reason. I feel like it's me me me, and I'm tired of me me me. I'm tired of only thinking about me, it's grown old. I think I'm at the point, or I'm getting to the point, where I want to share. Too long have I thought about myself and myself only, I want to somehow channel that energy to someone. To invest that time and energy in someone else. But I guess until then, all I can do work and stay busy and try not to think about it, and avoid any romantic settings that come my way.

the past has left me be

"the past has left me be
returning as in dream
shattered as belief..."

i read those lyrics and i think to myself that isn't always true. not this weekend it hasn't. see i've been staying over here at a friend's house until we finally get the apartment. i guess you could say it's on my "old" side of town, which happens to be the northside of s.a. i lived over here for about 8 or 9 years. then in 2000 i moved over to the southside of town. which is like another universe. different people, different things to do, different culture. it's no secret that the "northside" is predominantly white, and the "southside" is mexican or hispanic. there are mixes of course, but that's usually how it is. you can just tell by the cars, and the condition and the size of the houses. i'm not saying mexicans are poorer, but yeah i guess that's just it. but anyways, i'm over here on my "old side" and i feel odd. i have friends over here, but i hardly talk to them anymore. since i moved, they have moved on. they made new friends, married, had children. and i dont have any of that. i guess 4 years can be a long time, and a lot can happen in that time. it's almost like someone disappearing for 4 years and then suddenly you see them. i'm sure you will be happy to see them, but you don't know what's going on in their lives, you don't know the struggles they have endured. it takes time to catch up, and neither me or them are willing to spend that time. either way, being on this side of town, their side of town, it's inevitable that i will run into atleast someone. and i did today. we were at walmart, and i was walking by the toy section and i saw a friend. he was actually a good friend's dad, but nevertheless a good friend. back then he always tried to help. he tried to show me guidance, and be a little more of a father figure. he call's me mijo. he's a good man. he shook my hand and gave me a hug. his younger son was there (who is a giant now compared to what i remember) and he shook my hand too. we chatted a bit, about my brother and my sister. he spoke of his family, his daughter was 23 now, and his other son, was 21. they were going out for karoake tonight and were going to burn up the stage. his 21 year old son who's name is gilbert (but always call him cubby, said like "koobie") and he is a wildman. when he does karoake, he dances and mimics all the moves of the performer. i remember seeing his Ricky Martin impression, and i nearly had a heart attack i was laughing so hard. we talked for a bit more, and then said our goodbyes. another hand shake and a hug. i walked away happy to see him and to hear about the family, but i felt odd. as i walked through the walmart, i realized i can't escape. not saying i want too, but even if i wanted to, i couldn't. besides completely moving to a different state or country and completely starting over, there is no way. and it kind of bugs me. it's almost like saying, that no matter what has happened in the past, no matter how much i strive to change and better myself, i can go to walmart and see someone there who will bring it all back. someone will always be there to remind me of the past. even if i try and try to forget it, it lives on in others and they can remind me at any time. without a moments notice. without my asking. and that kind of frustrates me. i dont like to "live" in the past, i dont like to dwell on it, but it seems that all i ever talk about is it. i am always seeing old friends, and talking about the days of long ago. what great times we had back then. what great things we did. the stories continue through the years, they change a bit depending on who's telling it, but it's always the same story. and sometimes i get tired of hearing those stories. they are tired and old. they should be lay to rest, and only brought up over a couple beers or a campfire, or both. i guess what i'm saying is that when all your hear about is the past, the constantly pondering on it, it's hard to look ahead to the future. Reminds me of a scripture: “No man that has put his hand to a plow and looks at the things behind is well fitted for the kingdom of God.” So that's the hard part. Remembering the past, without dwelling on it, while still keeping your eyes looking straight ahead. Maybe it's this side of town, maybe i need to wear a disguise like Michael Jackson. It's just that i am trying to leave the past be, but it seems it doesn't want to let me be. it seems that more and more things come out of past and bite me in the butt then anything else in life. did i really make that many mistakes in my existance? did i really paint myself into such a corner? and i know it's great to see old friends, and i do enjoy that. but something in me isn't satisfied with that. i don't want to only talk about old times, i want to have new times, and see places that I haven't seen and meet new people i've never met. something about getting an apartment, and a job just doesn't appeal to me. then what? i just bored during the weekend because i don't have too much money after i pay the apartment and the car payment and the insurance and the water, and the electricity. i understand this is life, this is the everyday grind. this is what ol' jim and bob workerman do everyday. their wife packs their ham and cheese sandwich, with mustard and mayo. she gives them a fruitcup because chips are bad for their hearts, and off they go with their thermoste of hot coffee. they slave until 5 o'clock until it's time to come home, eat dinner and do it all over again the next day. and this is what i fear. i'm afraid if i keep staying in the past, my future is passing me by. i'll end up like jim and bob, wondering what could have been, only seeing the places i want to visit on the travel channel or on a calender at work. i'm not certain what i want to do with the future, but that's what i love about the fact. it's unscripted, it's uncertain. eventhough i do know what's ultimatley going to happen, the path to make it to that point is not clear. the uncertainty is familiar, i've grown up with it all of my life. and now that i think, maybe that's why i think about the past so much. cause it's certain. it's concrete, it can't be changed. nothing in my life has been certain, nothing has been concrete. so maybe by looking towards the past it brings comfort. but it's only temporary comfort. i remember saying the past is a nice place to visit, but it's no place to live. sooner or later the realization hits you that things are not as they used to be. people have changed, times have changed, you have changed. and sometimes i feel empty, because if I have no progress to show for the future, and my past is already spoken for, then what do i have? a wondering mind? i guess this is where i make the decision to stop. stop looking or dwelling and living in what's already gone. i can look back and reflect, but the time is now to act. instead of always thinking what i never got in life, i can realize what i have now, and if i work hard what I can get later. and of course this is all easier said then done. like i said even when you are hellbent on looking only to the future, someone or something will come and try to take you off course. that's inevitable. it's certain. but i guess if you were to make the conscience effort to move ahead, whatever obstacles might present themselves get pushed aside. they get torn down. i guess all in all, it's up to each person to decide. no one can make that choice for him or her. and it's the same with me. if i see someone who reminds me of those things, then fine, that's life. but the past has left me be. maybe it's time i leave it be in return.

San Antonio Rocks

well another friday is here. another payday is here. and i have one more paycheck after this, then it's a new beginning into the wonderful world of unemployment. i'm excited though and confident. well yesterday was a nice day. we left work at 3 to have a luncheon downtown on the Riverwalk. To anyone who doesn't know, the Riverwalk is the prettiest thing in the entire world. Well maybe atleast in Texas. It's gorgeous though! To those who don't know, it's a part of the San Antonio River they routed away and made into a area for restaruants and clubs and that sort of thing. But it's just beautiful. The cypress trees growing so tall along the banks, the lights in trees (for the holidays they light up the trees) the explosion of colors anywhere and everywhere you look. Then they have barges that you can take tours on, that give you a unique perspective of it all. I know I sound like I am trying to sell tickets for my city, but hey! It's my city! Eventhough I hate this place sometimes, I've never got tired of the Riverwalk. I don't know something about it, something about the trees and the river, the spanish style architecture. Maybe its the Mexican side of me screaming for home! Well after we ate we took the barge around the river and then went our seperate ways. It was nice though, I always enjoy time downtown. And today, I think I'm going to the planetarium. Planetarium? Why you might ask? Well it's actually pretty cool. I mean it's always easy to go see a movie, but the planetarium is quite neat too. They explain all the stars that are in the night sky currently, and the constelations. I know, I know, the planetarium? Yeah, I'm a nerd like that. Then after we will probably get something to eat, and possibly go down to the Riverwalk again. Who knows? The day is winding down, but the night is young! Ok, for all of you who have never seen the riverwalk, you can see it here: http://hotx.com/rb/ or http://www.alamocity.com/riverwalk/
or just go to google and type RiverWalk San Antonio, TX. they have lots of good pictures. And if anyone is ever in town, I'll tour you around. I really do enjoy showing people around the town. Well hope everyone is having a good Friday and has a good weekend! Adios!

another old notebook

well cleaning out my desk here at work, i found another notebook with some writings in it. they are just random thoughts i write down. really it's whatever just i write at that moment. most of it consists of questions i ask myself. here they are:

i think back now, though it wasn't long ago
about the first time i saw your face,
the symmetry, that profile
that vibrant smile, that suttle grace

my expectations were surpassed
almost as fast
as our first hour together
time didn't seem to last.

******************************************************************

so everything changes once again
that strong wind has blown
am i back to my old self?
of course it's the regression that is clearly shown

no inspiration comes now
that flare isn't there
i could write about what to do
but i dont know what that is.

i think i'm starting not to care,
and that frightens me a little
how did I come so far?

is she good for me?
am i good for her?
is it the right time?
to keep close or defer?

i just can't think straight
my mind is not with my heart
trying keep them together
too often they get torn apart

am i slowly starting to lover her
is that something i'm allowed to do
would we ever be together?
just us two?

************************************************************

i can never tell if i'm overreacting
or just reacting to get over you
i can never tell if you really need me
as much as you never say you do

i can never tell what the next day brings
but I'm sure it won't be us
so many things to sort out
too many thoughts to discuss

so i write it down in my head
i try to remember the words that were said
i wonder what i am to you
in the end what this all equals to

am i truly waisting my time?
is there any use in all this?
would that kiss, be easy to resist
after all this time those lips i have missed?

and I can't give myself that answer
and it's frustrating, that answer i might not find
but that's the never ending battle i fight
between my heart and my mind.

musical cheeze from the past

well here's another one. this one i wrote again years and years ago. I think originally i was speaking of a girl that i liked a lot at the time. to those who know me, you know who i'm speaking of. i remember back then me and a friend would take things that we would write and put it to music. he played guitar and i had some bongos. this i wrote when i was 18, and i tried to write it in the form of a song. with a chorus. it's not easy writing a song, i have the utmost respect for all those good song writers. most of the time they arrange the words in a way i would have never thought. so this is my cheezy little song.

So now you know what it's like,
All those things come back to haunt
And you have everyone you need,
Your without the one you want.

And the skyline is there with you,
As it always has been,
He waiting for his chance
To try again.

Again, and again,

Because time doesn't seem to forget
And words are hardly fair
When you finally look for me,
I might not be there,
No, I might not be there.

And shadows hung on the street
Yeah, the air was almost new
Trying to make myself known,
But never seemed to get through

your holding your heart out in front,
Even you can see it break,
I could fill it with amends,
But it’s not for me to take,
No, those are for you to make,

Because time doesn’t seem to forget
And words are hardly fair
When you finally look for me,
I might not be there,
No I might not be there.

cheeze from the past

this is a little diddy (no, not about jack & diane) i wrote years and years ago. i tried to be almost silly like shakespeare and describe the girl of my dreams, without making her out to be a goddess or a princess. just making her sound normal, because that's how she would be to others, but to me would be so much more. it's pretty funny and cheezy. :)

stars are bright,
and the sun gives light,
but my girl is a black hole,
eats everything in sight,
and is dark as coal.

she could be like a swan,
one that couldn't honk or swim,
she would just sit there on the bank,
even if she looked like a rose,
she would still have that particular stank.

her hair is about as flowing as a rock pile,
and about as straight as a gay man,
how can she have clear skin?
when her face is greasy as a frying pan?

her personality? i've met twigs with more wit,
her eyes are plain and dull,,
and i've had better conversations with piles of (well you know)

but she is what's good for me,
yeah she's what I want,
nothing perfect on my girl,
nope, nothing there to flaunt.

cause all of that doesn't matter anymore,
no, i don't want her to be what everyone else wants,

and once I find her,
then we will be together,
until then I'll just work hard at things,
and see who the future brings.

Welcome Back and Goodbye

Welcome back to me! well after having 5 days off (including the weekend) i'm finally back at work. joy! actually i don't mind, cause i was getting a little stir crazy. i was waking up at about 11 (which wasnt that bad) and then just sitting around most of the day. I went to the house and moved some of my stuff out, boxing up all my little belongings. I worked on my car, installed two new front speakers. So now when i jam out to Cake, the bass will hit nice and hard. I have to still put in the 12" sub in the trunk and the amp, that will be even better.

Speaking of cars, I'd like to take the time to reflect, because friends, my White Honda Civic Two Door DX is no more. well it's not blown up or crashed or anything, but it's no longer mine. it's officially sold. so this is the official good bye to ol' Betsy. She did what she could, even though when i got her she was almost on her death bed. How I remember the times driving her on Sunday afternoon, those calm afternoons of cruising the highway. I would sit and ponder over the future, all the while listening to the music in which she blasted over her speakers. She was an expensive little cruiser, eating another $500 dollars of my hard earned (well not really) cashflow. But the memories are worth much more then that. So once again, Goodbye Betsy, you will be missed, I will never forget.

But of course there are greener pastures to move onto. I leave the world of Honda and enter the much more expensive to fix world of Acura. I love my Integra though. I'm proud of having it though, and the possibility that I can fix it the way i want. The future is bright, but it's still not exacty what I want. The car I have wanted for years has still eluded me to this day. But I shall have it, oh yes I shall! You just watch me.

Well the apartment hunt continues. I have yet found one that I actually like and can afford. With my brother it doesn't help too much. I mean I think I could find one a lot easier if I was looking for a one bedroom. But how can I do that? I mean it's not like he has anywhere to go? So even though it's not exactly how I thought what things were going to go ( i wanted my own place) I guess it will be for the best. And it's funny, I am looked at as the irresponsible one! I have been at the same company for 6 years, and make good money, and I'm the irresponsible one? I admit I've made some dumb decisions with my money, I admit I've blown on a lot on crap I didn't need, but I'm the irresponsible one? I guess because I'm the youngest I get labeled that. But I'm going to be 25! when am I going to be looked upon as a somewhat responsible person? I don't know, maybe I will never be. And if I want to get married? What woman is going to want to marry a guy that is labeled the irresponsible one of the family? I guess maybe its my own fault. Maybe I will need to marry a girl who is the irresponsible one of her family, so that she will understand. What the heck am I talking about? Marriage! Ahhh!!!! I look down at my ring finger every now and then just to make sure there isn't a band of gold or platinum resting on it. Whew! I'm safe for now.

Well eventhough I know it's not, it feel like a Monday. So we will see what will go WRONG, because something always goes wrong on a Monday. As oppposed to all the other days. Well I hope everyone is safe and happy, take care of yourselves. Adios.

saturday night

well here i am at my sister's house. they are out of town, so i get to crash here for the weekend. i sit thinking about the future, about all the things i have to handle. the list seems so endless. the tasks never seem to end. and i dont know where I will end up. i don't even know where to begin. and you know i think to myself and think is this my test? is this the hardest its going to get? is this my hardship? i find that hard to believe, considering how much worse things could get. am i to learn from this? is there more? because there is always more. i know that much.

See what happens when your bored at work with a good photo shop program!

miserable man i am now

a few minutes ago i was coming back from getting my fajita taco combo for lunch, and I parked in the parking garage and was walking into the elevators. as i got on the elevator there was two ladies (one was darn cute) that work for the dentist on the 5th floor already currently on the elevator. There was another man, in a suit and judging by the floor number he had selected i could only guess he was going to see the attorney or he was an attorney on the 11th Floor. Well i stood there as the doors close and noticed the two women were talking. i cant remember the direct quotes, but from where i picked it up, it went something like this:

woman #1: oh my gosh, i know!

woman #2: yeah you know what? his wife worked there!

woman #1: his wife? oh my gosh, together? i could never work with my husband!

woman #2: me either, that would never work.

at this time my ears had perked up. sure i know it's kind of impolite to dip into other people's conversations, but hey if they are talking outloud about something then it's free game. then the story got juicer. so it continued:

woman #2: you know, one time i went in there and oh my god! they were having such a bad....

DING! the elevator ringed that we had reached the 5th floor. being a creature of habit, i instantly pushed the open door button on the elevator to release the two women. but pushing the button, i not only released them, but i released any hope of finding out what bad thing "they" were having. when the elevator doors shut, so did the story. and now I think, what was so bad? where they having burritos and one was bad? was it a hair day problem? what about work? maybe one of their relatives had passed away and they were having a hard time with it? i realize the possibilties are endless and infinite. i assume now they were talking about an argument, which would be because "they" being husband and wife work together. but there are seeds of doubt. i can't be 100% that's what they were speaking of. i can never be sure now, i can never be certain of that couple's fate. and i can't ask the women, for fear of mockery, and anger that i was eavesdropping. and i ask why? why must life play these games with me? why! why give me just enough....and then snatch it out of my hands! what a tease! what a deceitful ruse! what crafty stratagem! And now as i sit, with my mind made to the watery consistency of the queso that i bought, i now know, that i will never know. this will haunt my dreams forever. i will pass this curse on to the fruitage of my loins, and they too will reap it's sorrow. miserable man i am now. i sit here on my dipper's throne as the screen fades to black.

times for change

another day! here at my desk on my break, thinking about what i'm going to eat for lunch, with A Perfect Circle blaring in my ears. Just got a few more hours, and then I'm off for a long weekend. Got tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday off. I hope this month goes by fast, being it the last one I got here. I'm not to worried. I've thought about what I want my life to be after all this, and I have selected: simple. I don't want it to be very complicated. I have always craved a simpler less complicated way of life. I have started looking for apartments, because the time of moving out is ever closer. I don't know if I'm going to get my own place, or share with my brother. If I had it my way, I would get my own place, so I can have my own space. I already know what furniture I want. My black leather couch, and the brown leather chair from Ikea. I guess I shouldnt worry about that stuff as of yet, I just need to find a decent place with a roof. It's going to be strange, living in a new place. I have been at the house for 4 years now, and it will be strange to suddenly call some place else home. Not that I ever called the house home. I guess my feelings are mixed. The early memories I have are good ones. Memories of all of us eating dinner there, hanging out, everyone in my room chilling out. I remember the winter of 2001, that's where i told Gaby that I liked her, and she told me she liked me back (which subsequently didn't mean jack). Then the later years, the memories aren't so good. Matt had moved out, and the house became vacant of that charm. I was working a lot and didn't spend much time there. I guess that year in 2002 it started the decline. I can almost pinpoint the time it did. That's the time that people started not to care. Not to clean, not to put an effort towards it. I remember, cause it included me. I just didn't care about the place, I had other things or other people on my mind. And that's how it got to where it is now. The empty, quiet, dark place that it is now. So now it's time to move on I guess. Move on to smaller, yet brighter places. I got a new car, soon a new place to call home, and soon after all this a new job. Looks like a healthy new beginning for me. You'd think I'd be worried. But i'm not, for whatever reason.

Well I hope everyone has a great weekend. Remember to be safe, stay warm and have fun wherever you may lay your head down. Adios.

the adventures of me

you know i've never been a big believer in the whole idea of things happening for a reason. i guess that just never seem realistic for me. but i can't help and wonder why things happen they way they do. i understand the forces that are in control, i understand what's at stake, i understand who is in control, but i still don't know why? i mean i know why they do, i guess what i'm trying to say is why i make the decisions i do. why do those "unforseen circumstances" happen the way they do? to steal from peter parker, it's true, "There are bigger things happening here." but that never seems to suffice. that doesn't ease my mind everytime. why do i do the things i do? and for those things, why do i do them in that way? why did i say no to a taco this morning, when i knew i was hungry? why do i always seem to go after the girl that i can never have? and when i do have one that really wants me, i end up pushing her away? why does it always seem that every Cake song applies to me? why did i have to meet gaby way back when, and then why did i have to listen to others? i'm not saying my life would have been easier if my choices were different, but i don't understand why I did what i did. i don't know why i did things, when i knew they were not good for me. all those decisions seem so huge to me now, because i am still paying the consequences of them. it seems like i've dug myself such a big hole, that I've never been able to get out of it. i wonder if i really even want to get out of it. i just don't understand things. things seem so fake to me. the memories i have, all seem so ancient, so distant, and they seem like it wasn't me. it seems like i watched it somewhere on tv and i am recalling it from there. sometimes when im alone i just sit think, this has to be a joke! this has to be some cruel joke, like the Truman Show. i'm not saying everyone is surrounded and working off of me, but it's just funny. the things that have happened to me seem scripted, seem like someone's idea of a good sitcom. the adventures of me. and i dont know why? why? even in things that don't involve me directly, suddenly have everything to do with me. why is the electricity shut off on the night that i didn't wash. and why didn't i wash every possible article of clothing before it did? why did the other phone ring and let me hear something i didn't want to hear? why did i fly down there, and her not even show up? why? why? explanations have never came, and aren't presently on their way. why doesn't she believe me when i tell her i love her? why haven't i given up? why can't i live without her in my life? why don't i know better? and if I do, then why not change? why do i hate this job so much? it seems like all i'm ever full of is questions. answers have never come cheap, using it's at my expense. when i think of what i would get for this, is it even worth it. sometimes i question it. is love really worth it? every problem, every argument, every miscommunication, is it all worth the trouble? sometimes i think it would be much easier just to not love, because all it seems to do is cause problems when i do love. it seems like i am attacked with the negative when i try to cultivate a positive. i just don't understand why? why can't people just be the way that they are? why the games? why the fronts? why the walls and barriers? why can't everyone just be themselves? is it that bad that people have to completely act like different people, only to have you find out later how they really are? has the world gone so south that it requires you to have a completely false identity when you meet somebody? these things just make my blood boil, i feel so helpless and powerless. at the end of the day, i sleep, and that seems to be the only thing that eases my mind. i guess if there is a person out there who really eases my mind, i haven't met them yet.

"I need someone to ease my mind
But sometimes that someone is so hard to find"

i just dont know. i guess my mind gets lost in all the questions out there. another day here.

another lovely tuesday

im not mad. i promise. just too much on my mind, too much stuff. sometimes i think i will never be where i want to be. it's just so frustrating, even though i don't feel frustrated now. i wish they still had the star wars game at the arcade up the street. i would go blow up the death star and kill some tie fighters during lunch, and I would feel better! but they got rid of the game, of all the games, they got rid of mine. MINE! that was MY GAME! I OWNED IT! if it could talk it would call me PAPI cause i beat the game and took out so much frustration on that poor thing. I'm going to have to buy the arcade game and put it in my future apartment. yeah i know i'm 24 and i'm supposed to be all mature, but I don't care, i want an arcade game in my apartment. so ha. here's something I wrote years ago about the bimbo lara. hehe.

Can’t stand the air in here
It smells of your scent
Open a window let it go quietly
The same manner in which you went.

Frustrated from the diction
Or the lack there of,
Feeling ashamed for my predilection
Never believing the concept of being in love.

To talk it over, is to over talk it,
We’ll end up in the same predicament
You feeling elated
And me left discontent.

Garner 2004

well this weekend, just like every other thanksgiving weekend since i can remember, was time to head out to Garner State Park for some camping, hiking, letting our beards grow and some catching up with old friends. i had to work friday so we kind of got a late start. matt picked me up (his wife and kids were out of town) and we went back to the house to get the tent and my sleeping bag and etc. one last stop at walmart for some impulse buying, and then we were on our way. it took about an hour to get out there, and it was already getting cold. we spent about an hour driving around trying to find my sister's cabin, and then we we did, we spent an hour driving around trying to find our campsite. then when we did find it, someone else was already camped there. we thought about asking them to move, but we just decided to get our own in another area, the park was quite empty anyways. we found our spot and i set up the tent in the dark, with a little help from the moon. the stars were out and the night was somewhat clear. one thing i regret about living in the city is that we never see many stars. i guess i tend to forget how many there out there. never seems to amaze me when i get to see the view in the country. this year we must have had our minds in other places, cause we forgot lots of things. i brought a mini heater, but no extension cord. we planned on having a huge raging fire hotter then all hell and damnation, but we forgot firewood. i planned to sit around the campfire and relax, but forgot my chair. yeah, i know, i'm a city guy, no matter how hard i try to be rough and brash and outdoorsy. so that night we started a fire with some wood we "commandeered" from a local mom and pop store. thanks to them for leaving two stacks of wood so easily accessible at 12:30 in the A.M. that night we had tortilla chips, cold queso dip, and even colder bud light. the night was quiet and cold, and i slept quite well in my sleeping bag. saturday started with egg and sausage tacos, i'd have to say i've never been a big fan of breakfast tacos, but when your hungry, you don't care. they had a basketball tournament that day, you pay $8 and you get a t-shirt and a chance at the title. i didn't bring any basketball shoes, so i humbly yielded. i saw many old friends, some with their new husbands and wives, some with their new babies. sometimes i wonder if i'm behind the times here, i have no wife or kids or any family of my own. sometimes i feel the need to have that security, to settle down and have those things, to have a simpler way of life. i guess one day i will, but just not today. i'm not out living the wild single man's life by any means, but i guess to have a wife and kids seems too foreign to me. well maybe a wife would be nice. ok i dont want to get into all that, so back to camping. well that day was beautiful, the sky was blue, the wind was cool, the food was delicious! we ate at matt's cousin's camp that evening. it was amazing how much food they had. chicken, ribs, hamburgers, and steak all cooked over the campfire. mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, and bread. matt's family sure knows how to eat, Thank You Ramirez's, Parades's and the Casares's, I am forever in debt to you. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then your definately there, along with all the cholesterol. That night just like every Saturday night before since I was 11, Jason's dad Val promised to have a dance. It's funny, because back in the day Val would play tapes through some beat up speakers, and if we wanted a song played we just had to put the tape on the right song and he would play it. Well times have changed. Now Val has a full desktop computer loaded with MP3's and a full speaker and stereo reciever setup. But even with all the modern technology and the higher sound quality, the young guys still came up to request songs so they could dance with that certain girl they had met. It's funny to me. To know that was me so many years ago, doing the same exact thing. But this time i just watched from the sideline, as these guys tried so hard to look cool and to impress the females. I would have to say that this younger generation doesn't know how to properly slowdance. They were bobbing and moving way too fast! I felt like going out there and giving them some lessons on how to properly hold the girl and how to do the simple two step. It's not that hard boys! Either way it was fun to watch, and remember when it was me out there. I got to talking with another friend, well actually a little brother of a old friend. I asked him how old he was now and he's 17! 17! Oh to be 17 again! I loved being 17, graduating high school, living with Chris and the guys. At 17 me and matt (who was 24 or so) took our cross country road trip/move to Washington. I would have to say that was the most fun thing I have ever done. To be on the road with little money, no responsiblity, not knowing where were going to live and work when we got there, it was great! Across New Mexico and Arizona, taking our time in California, and finally through Oregon and Washington. It was great. We got to talking about old girlfriends (well mine atleast) and he said he remembered Alison. He said even back then he thought she was hot. I just laughed, cause well she was. He asked if i still thought about her, and I told him ofcourse. I will remember her, she was my first girlfriend! My first kiss! I told him so much time has passed though, I was 15 when i dated her, and that was 9 years ago! (now you know how old i am). One of the guys around us over heard me, did the math, and muttered a "wow, he's old" under his breath. Yeah, thanks. Stupid kid. I guess I can still pass for a 18 year old though. The dance continued on into the night, but we left for the warmth of our fire, and the coldness of our bud light. that night matt, his cuz jason, steve and his gf tiffany and myself sat around the fire drinking beer and talking about old times. eventually steve and tiffany departed and it was just us three guys. once again i felt a bit odd, i've known these guys for over 12 years now, but still we differ. Jason is married now for 7 years with no kids, and Matt for 2 years with 2 kids. And me with 0 years and 0 kids. How times have changed. How we have changed over the years. No longer are we all single teenagers looking for a future girlfriend or spouse. The new generation has moved in, I guess it's their turn. Sunday we left early, packed up the car and just drove away. No saying goodbye's to everyone we met that year. No group picture taking, no signing shirts or exchanging addresses and phone numbers. Just a quiet exit back to reality. I got back to San Antonio and washed my clothes and took a shower. I met up with some friends and ate dinner and nowtoday I'm back at work. This year was different, there wasn't as many people out there, and it just seemed different somehow. I guess I'm getting older. Back here things are going good, I'm getting my Acura today, so i'm happy about that. Well it's back to the grind, so with that I'm going to end this. Hope everyone is safe and warm and the in the company of loved ones and friends, wherever in this world you might be. Adios.

more from the past

well, there is more. that file that held all the previous rantings, appears to have a lot of other things I've written in the past. i remember thinking this after talking on the phone with her. i remember laying there on my bed, staring at the ceiling of my then room. it was years ago. i guess the words came naturally, without too much of a fight. to me the words still ring true. they still apply, even though my thoughts and feelings have matured since then. im sure some of you have read this before, but here it goes:

I think now about what you said
while I was laying there last night on my bed,

And I have come to one conclusion,
One that’s still full of question marks and confusion

See, I think some fear to be committed,
And yeah, that might be me and you.

Why do we keep love at such a distance?
Are we afraid of love that is real and true?

Why before it starts, we make it end?
Are we that afraid of being more than friends?

Do you really think I’m using you to heal?
And these feelings I have, I don’t genuinely feel?

Am I on one side of the coin, and you on the other?
Will we ever really get to know one another?

I don’t want you to think I don’t like you,
Because I think you know I do,

I don’t want to give you reasons to doubt me,
Cause I know there is already so many too,

I know it must be hard for you to understand,
How a guy can just change,

To completely turn the opposite way,
And restructure, regroup, rearrange,

But because I didn’t like your first,
Doesn’t mean I like you any less,

Maybe it took me time to find out what I really wanted,
Take that time and let my thoughts reassess,

And I still came to the same dead end,
I wanted you more than a friend,

And I admit, it hurt a little,
When you didn’t think I was telling you the truth,

It seemed like I was trying to convince you,
But I had no substantial proof,

And now that some time has gone by,
Have I proved myself a little more real?

Will you react in a positive way?
Or shoot down this small appeal?

I can only imagine how difficult this must be,
To throw your feelings out there, and put your trust in me,

But don’t think ,I won’t come through,
Cause as you’ve seen through my actions, yes, I do care about you,

More then you probably can guess, more than you’ll ever know
More than you’ll ever see, more than I’ll probably show

Because before anything else, you were a good friend
And on that foundation most of it will depend,

So just ponder on it for a while, just give this a little thought,
I still be here, liking you, whether you believe me or not.

past rantings and ravings

i found this in a microsoft file on my personal file here at work. I think i had to be 18 or 19 when i wrote all this. it's funny i admit, some of the thinking i had back then. about time, love, girls, one in particular at the time. i guess some thoughts have changed, matured, and some still apply. either way i look back and cringe. here it goes, this is ultra personal, but i'm not afraid to share:

My Rant
This is my rant...yes this is mine. Because i’ve seen a lot in my little existence. Somethings i will never forget, others i try to forget everyday. You see because i have this war going on in me, the war of good and bad. The same old thing, what i do is not what i want to do. But then in complete contrast, everything i want to do, is exactly what i dont do. So a miserable man i am, well sort of. My life so far has been hard on the mind and easy one the body. I say this because i haven’t had to put a lot physical exertion into my life, but the mental exercise i’ve had to have is beyond compare. The worst part about it is i never asked for any of this. Not saying i wish that i was never born, because that’s not the case, but what I’m saying is that how can so much happen to one person. I think my life has been unfair, but i also know many, many other people have much much worse scenarios than me, so by no means am i special or deserve some pity or special attention. But I’m just stating a fact, my life has not been easy. And anyone who says otherwise is wrong. But to tell you the truth, i wouldn’t have it any other way. I take pride in my problems and troubles, why? I really dont know, but i do. And i know im not suffering alone. There are so many others out there, with such larger predicaments that dwarf mine. I dont want pity, i do not care for those violins, i just want to get this off my chest. So this is my rant. Like it or not.

Girls
Ladies, ladies, I like the ladies. I haven’t had the best track record though. I mean dont get me wrong I’ve had some pretty good relationships with the females, but nothing really ever seemed to last. This last one was going good, but she just wanted to get to serious. Not saying i was never serious, but what does that mean? Serious? Does that mean you have to buy her a ring right after you learn their favorite food and color? What is a good definition of getting serious with a girl, i guess it would mean to be at the point where you are ready to get married and spend your life with a certain person. And that was just not me, i have problems dealing with myself, i figure, how could i spend my whole life with someone. I think it is possible for me, but i really have no idea how to tell it when im ready. I mean its not that im going around and am with all these women, and thats the reason why i dont want to settle down. It’s not that at all, i have no women, there is none. Ok maybe one, but that really is wishful thinking. Something that the odds are so much against, that i never really even think that it would ever work. I’ve known her for about 7 years now. She is the ultimate woman for me. She knows me very well, and some points it seems like she knows what I am thinking. But she is out of reach. She always has been. Maybe I make her that way. Either way, times are weird. You see me and her had a large fallout at end of last year, and we hadn’t talked in a while. I’d say a good couple of months. She didnt feel like dealing with me, and well i didnt really care. So she got to know another guy. They were together, and after a while me and her settled our differences. But their's didnt last, which is weird cause it seems like all the relationships that we have with other people never last, although our relationship seems to have gone through pure hell, and came out fine. I dont understand how it can be like that, how two people can go through things like that and not come out all jacked up, but we did. Somehow we did and we continue to do so. It’s weird, i have been so mad at her at times, times that i just wanted to give up on her, frustrated about how she acted, or how i thought she acted, but i never could hate her. I’ve tried, and it never seems to work, i just end up liking her more. That’s good for her, but it makes me miserable. And i see us together, but i somehow i don’t think she does. It’s sad i know, but thats how life goes right? Sure that’s how it always goes. And I’m so tired of hearing that...thats the way life goes....why! Why does life always have to go that way...!! why can’t it be going good for once!! Why must i try and justify how life sux with the simple “that the way it is” ...who governs whether it will be this or that....oh wait i already know the answer to that question. But there is so much more to be said about girls, but i neither have the time or the stomach to get into it....so that is all i have.

Love.
Man this is the hardest one for me. Growing up i just never really learned the meaning of it very well. I mean I know what it is...or i think i know what it is.. but it’s still hard for me to show it. Actually its very easy for me to say i love someone...but to mean it is different. Like i said i know i love her. How do i know? Because i dont really think about myself when im with her. I mean i dont really think what i can get out of the relationship, i really just want her to be happy. Even if she is not with me. And i’ve proven that. I’ve really tried not to get jealous at all when she has had a boyfriend. Its not easy of course, but i look at it like this....i want her to be happy no matter what, so if she is happy with someone else, who am I to question that? If i went against that and tried to boss her around or tell her that she could only be with me, do you think she would ever think about talking to me or even be my friend? I dont think so....so really acting the macho part would defeat what little purpose i have.

“It doesn’t make me cry to hear dylan say, most likely you’ll go own way....i’ll go mine, i’ll go mine, i’ll go mine.” Today its cloudy again...nice and cold... I love it. I saw her on Sunday, i was cleaning the bathroom and she was helping out vacuuming. We were talking about putting up with me. I said any woman who could put up with me deserves and award. And she does. She put up with me for years now. Man, i love her so much. How can i get over this? How can i get this girl out of my head. And I get scared about losing her, I dont know why? Maybe the more scared I get, the more I push her away. Im selfish in all the wrong areas. I never allow myself to have anything good, something that would actally benefit myself. Always the negative, always the bad. I guess I think i dont deserve it, her. But I do and I even think she knows that. We deserve each other. But of course that will be proven in time. But havent we already proven some of that? I mean I actually starting talking to her when she was 14 and I was 17. That was pretty much damned from the beginning. They all said whatever we had, whether friendship or anything more would just wither away. And we had our fights, yes we did. But we are still going. I think if it can last when we were too young for it to last.. then it surely will do better as the time goes on. And we will become closer. But i think its going to come down to whether if me and her make a conscience effort to make it into something more. And its strange, because I wonder why she hasnt tried it with me yet. Does she know that we might mess it up if we try it too early? Does she think that way? I could ask her, maybe she’s trying to save it for later. Maybe she hasn’t given it much thought. I really dont know, and I’m to chicken to ask. I guess Im stuck doing the hardest thing. Waiting. Wait and see what developes. I was told that when you find that someone then “you’ll know” and then you’ll be ready. Have i found her already? Or have i got a lot more searching to do? Is the girl of my dreams the woman who sits accross from me at work? At church? How can I tell? This youth is hard, its horrible. Now I know why kids want to become adults so much...so they can get out of this teenage years of confusion. I guess Im somewhat impatient...i just want to know who i’ll end up already...i guess thats not impatient, its more like lazy. I want to know who im going to end up with...so then its already done for me, and i wont have to work and go through all the craziness that comes along with it. I can’t look her in the eyes. I have a hard time doing it. I guess I’m just a little nervous, not so much giddy, but just nervous. I’m afraid if i look her in the eye, then I’m not going to be able to stand it. I’d end up just telling her everway i feel about her, how i think she is the best thing that has happened to me, how after we fight i try to hate her, but I just end up loving her more. How I think about her everyday, wonder if we will ever be something more, how I just admire her, and I’m proud of her, how it pains me when she feels sad or lonely...just how I would like to be with her every waking second....how i would try to just make her the happiest person on this earth. And how I ask nothing back from her, I do things for her because I want to, unselfishly and true. It hurts when I think of the possibility of her being just beyond my grasp. It hurts when you want something for so long, and you put your time and energy into attaining it...and you just fall short.. I can’t look her in the eyes. I’d end up seeing something I have wanted so bad, and I haven’t been able to get. That would be too much for me right now. But I’m not giving up hope. I still have myself and my plans. Like I said, time will tell whether something will happen between me and her. For the time being, I just swallow my feelings and put them away....I have work to do, and she does too...but i still have hope for us....maybe in the future someday I’ll get what i’ve wanted, maybe the friendship will turn into something more, I really can’t say right now. I’ll know someday in the future. But for now I’m happy just wondering.


Time
Have i wasted my time on this earth. Ofcourse I have. I think i have wasted so much time on this planet. I think of where i could be, of course i do. Because people never think of how to get there, they just think of themselves already there. I guess its the laziness. I usually dont think of ways i could get there, or what steps i can take to reach my goal, i just automatically want to get there. I know its hard to plan out a whole line of steps one has to take to reach a goal, and sticking to the steps is even harder. But I just wonder where i could be if i would have made changes earlier in life. Maybe i wouldnt weigh as much as I do, maybe i would be better looking, maybe i would be making better money. But i guess it does no good to wonder about it. The more time i spend wondering about it, is the more time that im wasting, and not moving to accomplish the goal itself. Goals, their hard, but their great when you actually reach them.

Friends
They are important to me, of course. But I remember one thing my uncle Joe told me years ago. He told me flat out “friends won’t pay your bills” and really they wont. Well maybe they will, but not for long. But they definitely are good things to have. I can remember sometimes that without friends i dont think i would have made it....they helped me that much. I like friends because they constantly help me better myself. They point out things about me that i can improve on, things i guess the little self-pride i have wont let me admit. But that’s the best way. Honesty. Above all friends need to be honest. And that is one of the hardest things to be. And you think, well i dont want to be mean, but yes, be mean. Sometimes the bitter truth is what people need to hear. I know i like the truth, dont lie to me, i’ll start second guessing you the minute you do. Or atleast I’ll try to.

tuesday november 23

this all seems so trivial
insignificant and frivolous
i overanalyze your every blink and breath
while you remain oblivious

november 18th

i'm sowing the seeds
i'm sowing the seeds i've taken
i'm sowing the seeds i take for granted

this thorn in my side
this thorn in my side is from the tree
this thorn in my side is from the tree i've planted

it tears me and i bleed
and i bleed

i'm pushin' to stay with something better

well im here again, the desk i call home for atleast 5 days a week. it's cold outside, has been for a week or two now. i think i'm finally convinced the winter is here. the weather here is so deceiving, it can get cold for a week and you think the winter is finally here, but then it gets back up to 85. But it seems the this winter is here to stay. I wear a long sleave shirt/sweater and a jacket. time to bring out the navys, the blacks and dark browns. the days seem so short, by the time i leave here its already dark outside. i turned off my a/c in my room, and am even considering bringing out the small heater i've stowed away.

i'm still undecided. seems that my only choice thus far has been to remain indecisive.

too many places are calling my name. san antonio calls for me. iowa calls to me. mexico calls for me (in espanol). i've yet to choose who's call i will answer. my mind bounces back in forth between each destination, weighing each pro and con. i wonder where january will finally find me? i just can't say.

tired of you

So shame on me for the ruse
Shame on me for the blues
Another one returned that I'll never use.

i'm diggin' my way to something better

well here i am. alive and well. the time is winding down, fast, but not fast enough. well i have been thinking a lot about what i'm going do after this all ends. I thinking about mexico, i was thinking about staying here and getting an apartment, and now I have been thinking about Iowa. Iowa? Seriously? Yes, Iowa. My cousin April and Family are up there, and have been for about a year now. Why would i want Iowa? Well there is a few reasons. Besides the snow, they live in a small town. I know in the past I have been anti-small town, i used to tease Matt because he was from Kerrville. I was the young punk from the big city of San Antonio. But you know, with recent trips to Mexico City, and Houston, I'm a bit burned out on the big city life. Or even the middle size city life. A simpler life appeals to me, and this might be my chance to attain it, even if it be for a week or a month. And did i mention the snow? But I do crave the simple life, no not the Paris Hilton show, but a truly more simple, easier, less complicated way of life. I'm tired of rush, the hurry, the frustration, the things that seem to find you when you live in the city. So just like anything else, I'm going to visit and see what developes, and see how the lifestyle would be. I'm not saying I am going to move there for good, but I think maybe a month would do me good to see and get a grasp on how the life would be. Plus I would have to test the job market, and see if its possible I could get a job. I'm really interested in it though, and I guess the trip at the end of year will decide my fate. Living arrangements are being tended too, but if all goes well, I might even have my own little apartment. How cool is that? I mean, honestly, I am very excited about it. I love San Antonio. I love Mexico. I love being in the South. But I can't see myself being happy here. I've tried, but there are just too many memories here. Too many things to remember. But if there is one thing life has taught me, it's that nothing is certain, nothing is concrete, nothing in this world is for sure. So can I say I will love Iowa? No. It might be the place that helps me realize how much I love San Antonio. That is yet to be determined i guess. But for now, that's what I'm going to plan on. This is what I want, this is what I have decided. Too many times have I made decisions based on others and what they want. So yes, you heard correctly, Iowa. Did I mention the snow?

the patient

A groan of tedium escapes me,
startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be.
Otherwise I can't go on.

Draining patience. drain vitality.
this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.

wait it out
gonna wait it out (be patient)

If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

gonna wait it out

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now
And I still may.
I still may.

Be patient.

I must keep reminding myself of this...
If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I... still may,
And I... still may.
And I... still may
And I...

gonna wait it out.
gonna wait it out.
wait it out.
gonna wait it out.

MJK

for martha

whenever i run
wherever i run to you lost one
it’s never done
just hanging on

the past has let me be
returning as if dream
shattered as belief

if you have to go don’t say goodbye
if you have to go don’t you cry
if you have to go i will get by
someday i’ll follow you
and see you on the other side

but for the grace of love
i’d will the meaning of
heaven from above

your picture out of time
left taken in my mind
shadows kept alive

if you have to go don’t say goodbye
if you have to go don’t you cry
if you have to go i will get by
i will follow you
and see you on the other side

but for the grace of love
who'd will the meaning of
heaven from above?

but for the grace of love
who'd will the meaning of
heaven from above?

long horses we are born
creatures more than torn
mourning our way home

B.C.

letterbomb

She said "I can't take this place,
I'm leaving it behind",
She said "I can't take this town,
I'm leaving you tonight."

whatsername

thought i ran into you down on the street
then it turned out to only be a dream
i made a point to burn all of the photographs
she went away and then i took a different path
i can remember the face, but i can't recall the name
now i wonder how whatsername has been

seems that she disapeared without a trace
did she marry old what's his face?
i made a point to burn all of the photographs
she went away and then i took a different path
i remember the face, but i can't recall the name
now i wonder how whatshername has been

remember, whatever it seems like forever ago
remember, whatever It seems like forever ago
the regrets are useless, in my mind, she's in my head
(i must confess)(from so long ago)
and in the darkest night
if my memory serves me right
i'll never turn back time
forgetting you, but not the time.

BJA.

friday

You know I think about that time
When those things seemed so much easier
When we would meet on Sunday
And just be happy to see each other

And I let you down
And you moved on
And I’m in no better shape
Than I was back then

And your happy now
And that’s what I wanted you to be
And I’m sure that’s why you are
Because your not with me

i don't remember who i wrote this about. have a good guess, but honestly i don't know. i suprise myself sometimes, because i read stuff and i'm like wow! and then i remember i wrote it. hehe...hope everyone's friday is going well.

wednesday still at 15%

well it's wednesday, and yup I'm still here at 15%. I haven't been working on my room much, I guess my attention has been a bit divided. I still plan on finishing this weekend though, so hopefully I will have some finished product pictures soon. well today is going pretty good, there was a big job fair here today, actually a nice turn out of potential companies. I talked to Aegis Mortgage again, because I had spoke with a rep at a different job fair. The positions are in Houston, and I don't know if I'm willing to relocate. It's not too far, but then just far enough. There really isn't a reason to stay in San Antonio, just the fact that it's a pain to move and start over. So I don't know, time will tell. As it always has. Well as many of you have I'm sure, I've been watching the baseball games. Man what a stressful I had lastnight! But it's all good, I enjoy the playoff baseball. Makes me feel like I'm 6 again, there at Sally's house watching "The Natural." That movie used to amaze me, I don't know why, I've never been a avid baseball fan. Maybe I dreamed to be Roy Hobbs, as I'm sure every boy who saw that movie did. Always knowing you could be better then you are, but because of circumstances, you just can't be. Plus, who wouldn't want to run the bags with sparks falling from the sky? Tonight is the big game. I plan on being there too, sitting in front of the ol' tube. You know, maybe I could have been more then I am, but circumstances have their own plans. I'm not happy where I'm at now, but I know I can change that. With a single swing of a bat, things can change, life can alter. So I guess I'll just be patient, and see what life pitches.

Go Red Sox!

monday at 15%

well i thought i would take a little break from my blog. maybe i had writers block, maybe i wanted it to seem my life is so interesting and busy i hardly have time for it. I guess figured i would let "something happen" that way i could actually write something with substance. but of course nothing has really happened. so your stuck with the same old me again. well, actually some new developements have ocurred. i had a old friend email me recently, turns out she works for Wamu also now. Haven't seen or heard from her in a few years, so it's nice to catch up. Many things have changed since those earlier days, when i was 17 and life was more carefree. It's funny to even think my life was at one time carefree. But those days have passed, they leave me be, and I do likewise.

The biggest developement so far in my life is closer to home. In my own room actually. Because I embarked on a huge journey. I started cleaning. Yes, me, Robert Kendall Bell, I've started cleaning my room. Now most of you, well probably all of you don't know what type of undertaking this is. For the record, I don't keep food in my room. I never take any type of food in my room. So there is not rotting flesh under my bed, no hardened pasta stuck to my table, no petrified bits of apple under my pillow. Now my room is messy yes, but with clothes and papers, not with food. So get that out of your minds. But even without food, it's quite an undertaking. Years and years of clothes, most of which need to be donated or sold at the thrift store. But I won't stop there. No by cleaning this room, I'm reinventing myself. Leaving the old me behind, putting it in the trash bags with all the other old bills and endless receipts from meaningless past purchases. I have big plans for my room. Simplicity, Comfort, only what i want in there. When I'm done, it might look empty to some, but i believe in less is more. I'm not so much a minimalist, but I think the less stuff you have, the less you have to keep clean. And over the years, I have not been able to do that. For lack of better words, I have too much crap. I spent my time and money on so many things I thought I wanted, and never on the things I really needed. Actually I still dont have thing's I really really wanted. I wanted a table, a chair, a laptop, a bed, a dresser drawer, and a tidy closet. Sometimes getting down to that seemed impossible, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. I'll send more progress updates on the room. But as of now I'd say I'm about 15% finished. I can see a portion of the floor again, which means my theory that I'm hovering on a layer of clothes is false. Back to the Drawing Board I guess. I think I will even post pictures of the finished product, so all of you can gawk and be amazed. Or atleast laugh and point. Either reaction is exceptable and expected.

days

if i loved you today
and tomorrow brought nothing but hate
then i would understand,
why you hesitate

but if i could only love you for one day
then i'd make it my last
that way i wouldn't remember,
other days from my past

and if my love ended tomorrow
then why would i even bother?
love cannot live "one day at a time"
this love doesn't resemble my father

and you are correct
the next day brings a different circumstance
but that doesnt mean im going to remain idle
no i'm always going to take the chance

i wasn't raised with concrete under me
the fault lines run so deep
i realize everything i've sown
i will someday reap

and tomorrow and the next will come
and ill be there working in your field
cultivating for later days
when you'll be the full yield.

palm of your hand

when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed it,
when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed...
the bricks and mortar have all given way,
at first, they resisted, but then they began to sway

how can you say, forever is at your command?
how can you say, the future is in the palm, in the palm of your hand?

when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed it,
when the house was standing,
you'd never have believed...
that gaping hole was once a foundation,
where you stand now were tools in a basement,

and...how can you say, forever is at your command?
wow can you say, the future's in the palm, in the palm of your hand?

tLt

I, I'm a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky to hang
the stars upon tonight...
but I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away?
And leave it all behind?