when i find all of the reasons
maybe I'll find another way
find another day
with all the changing seasons,
of my life
maybe I'll get it right next time.

random old notebook poetry

so everything changes once again
that strong wind has blown
am I back to my old self?
ofcourse its the regression that is clearly shown.

no inspiration comes now
that flare isn't there
I could write about what to do
but I don't know what that is.

I think I'm starting not to care
and that frightens me a little
how did I come so far?

is she good for me?
am I good for her?
is it the right time?
to keep close or deferr,

I just can't think straight,
my mind is not with my heart,
try to keep them together,
too often they get torn apart.

am I slowly starting to love her,
is that something I'm allowed to do
would we ever be together,
just us two?

************************************

its hard to tell in this weather
thinking how wet and cold
they're stopped
but we keep getting old

and the guitar plays on
as it always does
my thoughts focus on here
that thought of love

is it my place to love her
should i let her be
is it selfish to want her
not only for a friend, but for me

its a hard situation
but I enjoy her so very much
how can I just forget her
forget her touch

I don't have to think
I only have to do it,
she's right in front of me
what more can I ask?

"I'll see you again in another life... when we are both cats."

found this on a old email I sent to Sully when I learned she was sick with flu:

"And your sick? Yeah that flu is really bad, I hope you feel better, take care of yourself. Rest and eat soup and drink hot tea. I think that helps. Yeah, Poor you. Atleast your mom and family will take care of you, when I get sick, I got no one, just got the cat. And hes not too good at making soup."

funny how it was back then. now though, i dont even have the cat to take care of me. I guess now that I am feeling sick, I shall die alone. Nice knowing you all.

random thoughtless thoughts

As I write this I sit on the love seat here in the living room. I am home from work, feeling sick with a headache and the beginning signs of what could be the flu. It is cold outside, everything covered in snow from the slight blizzard we appear to be having. I am not used to snow, that is obvious. But even though I lack the experience of the locals around here, Id like to think I appreciate it much more. Because I am not used to it, I see much more beauty in it. How it covers over everything, how it can make even the ugliest and dirtiest of mans creation appear white and clean. Almost innocent. I actually long for a long cold winter, just so I can experience what everyone keeps telling me as what "used to be" How the winters back when they were young, and how much different they are now. I pray this winter is not out of character and that it proves to be one of old.

And if you think that I am avoiding talking about the latest news about me by talking about snow, then you be correct. But that is my right. It is my blog, and I have the power. So if you dont like it, poopy on you.

Its just some parts of the news are sensitive, and I dont know if its right to share. I think I will have to get the OK before I decide to post any info. I am not one for asking permissions, but in this case, the subject matter means a very great deal to me, and I dont want to do anything against that.

Confused yet? I think I am. My head is feeling clouded just thinking about it. I drank a Cherry Pepsi, so maybe that will help. I think a bean and cheese taco from La Cocinita would really help me think straight. As Steph said, if only they could invent teleporting.

I now have six zipper sweatshirts. I feel like I should be the poster child for them. Maybe endorse them as my favorite type of clothing. I laugh when I think back to my early days of owning just one. How did I survive back then? Without the choice of color or style?

Old Navy jeans are the best for me. Although some of you might prefer Levis or Lee Dungarees or even Express, I have decided Old Navy jeans are my promise land. They fit my body style just right, tight in all the right places. If only I could have more pairs.

I need a haircut. I long to shave off my hair, and leave a short buzz look. But then again, I think maybe a long look would be nice.

I think about one day owning a home here in Iowa Falls. I still stick to the thought of not knowing what to do with all the space I would receieve, but then again I know I would come up with ways to clutter it. I would find ways to fill rooms with all kinds of decoration and color. To have my own place would be nice, a place to come home to. A place where I could fill the cabinets with zebra cakes, and all sorts of unhealthy trans fat filled snacks. A place where I could be warm and toasty on the couch, and know it was all mine. Or Ours.

Speaking of that, today I suprised myself. As we (me, mike, apryl and lily) were driving I was talking about something. Making a joke, I pointed to a house and said, "and that's where we will live, were going to buy that house. the owners dont know yet, but we are going to live there." I laughed at the silliness of my thought, but then shuddered at the fact that I had used the word "we" instead of "i" Already somehow assuming that I will have a significant other. Hmmm. Funny how the mind jumps so far into the future that you cant even see it from a high height. That thought will be thoroughly analyzed, I promise.

Talked to Steph. Good to hear she is doing good. Actually her visit somehow gave me a different impression of her. A good one though. I hope she is doing well. Anyone who can put up with me for a week deserves to be doing well.

Well that is all for now. Hope everyone is warm and safe wherever they might be.

Back

I'm back. A lot has happened since my last post. I'll explain later.

Rrrrrah!

Heregy! Heregy!....rrrah!

I have called you together on this day, the 11th day of November the 11th month in the year 2005 to make this announcement..chaa! From this day forth, let each 11 day of this month be known as:

James Hetfield Day...shaah!

Why? Why not? Nothing better to do...chaa!

What celebrations do we have planned?....rrraah!

None in particular. Just the fact that everything you say on this day has to end in a rrrah! or ccchaaah! or yaah! or any agressive sounding noise, much like anything James Hetfield sings. that is all....chaa!

hello darkness my old friend

Six in the morning. Been up all night at work. Almost got attacked by a german shepard dog on the walk home. Its 40 degrees outside and windy. I go to sleep as the sun is coming up. I can see the coming dawn as I lay on my bed and look out the windows. I go to work when its dark, I leave work when its dark, and I try to fit some living in between. i know this schedule all too well. the stars here are amazing. they alone make it all worth while.

Goodbye For Now

Efrain Martinez
December 20, 1950 - November 7, 2005

Well as I waking up this afternoon (I work nights now) my sister called and told me the bad news. My uncle Efrain (my moms brother), who has been very sick with liver cancer died lastnight. Id have to say it was kind of a matter of time thing and we knew it was going to happen, but that fact still doesnt lessen the sting. He was a great uncle/father/man/human being. I remember I didnt even know him until we met in Phoenix, AZ when I was 13. There he was a big part of the family, laughing and joking, and making everyone have a good time. Then when I was 15 I went up to Tacoma, WA for the summer and stayed with him and my cousins. He taught me how to do plumbing, and how to relax and listen to jazz. He loved Jazz. I remember going to a place called "Grounds for Coffee" every saturday night and listening to the free live Jazz. I hold those times dear to me. Then when I was 17 and moved up to Tacoma to live, once again Efrain was there to lend a helping hand if he could. He taught me a lot about hard work, and yet that you need to have your downtime. During the day he worked at a rapid pace, and then at night and on the weekend he was laid back. His sense of humor was really great too, naming his own plumbing company "AMEX Plumbing" after the simple fact that it was A MEXican plumbing company. He had that type of humor, the type that made you want to work on your own humor, just to compete.

One thing I am glad for is that the last time I saw him was a happy occasion. Him and his wife (my aunt) came down for my brothers wedding (earliar this year). He did look a bit thinner, but his sense of humor was still very much intact. I remember during the wedding he would be out there dancing almost every song, which showed his personality even more. Im really glad my last memory of him is him dancing and joking, and driving in his rented convertible with his daughter's music blaring.

I'll miss you Uncle.

I guess I'm Needy

Got this from Vero, see I do read your blog!

Instructions: Go to Google, type in your Name and the word needs after. Search and write what it comes up with. The results are very interesting. Here were some of mine:

Robbie needs more real friends says dad.

Robby needs to increase his speech and improve the accuracy and intelligibility of his oral language. He needs to acquire better discrimination between certain sounds, particularly consonants and blends.

Robbie needs an American comeback. (but just above that it says "Amazon.com: So Youd Like to... Learn to love Robbie too!!!"

ROBBIE NEEDS MORE WINS.

Robbie needs to tour here, if he wants some name
recognition.

Robbie needs to collect the cheque from the SAB office.

Robbie needs no battle cry.

Robbie needs her.

Robbie needs games and more games and then some goals.

Robbie needs to be playing regularly and he will achieve this with Spurs.

Robbie needs him more than he needs Robbie, and hes generally happy to
be needed.

heavy workload

this is be my biggest task. writing all this down. remembering memories ive intentionally forgotten. bear with me.

this will take a while.

check it out here.

Oh the Places I have Been

Pretty Neat. I guess I'm well traveled in the US. (the red means the places I have been)




And here are my world travels. I have to book some flights!