you know i've never been a big believer in the whole idea of things happening for a reason. i guess that just never seem realistic for me. but i can't help and wonder why things happen they way they do. i understand the forces that are in control, i understand what's at stake, i understand who is in control, but i still don't know why? i mean i know why they do, i guess what i'm trying to say is why i make the decisions i do. why do those "unforseen circumstances" happen the way they do? to steal from peter parker, it's true, "There are bigger things happening here." but that never seems to suffice. that doesn't ease my mind everytime. why do i do the things i do? and for those things, why do i do them in that way? why did i say no to a taco this morning, when i knew i was hungry? why do i always seem to go after the girl that i can never have? and when i do have one that really wants me, i end up pushing her away? why does it always seem that every Cake song applies to me? why did i have to meet gaby way back when, and then why did i have to listen to others? i'm not saying my life would have been easier if my choices were different, but i don't understand why I did what i did. i don't know why i did things, when i knew they were not good for me. all those decisions seem so huge to me now, because i am still paying the consequences of them. it seems like i've dug myself such a big hole, that I've never been able to get out of it. i wonder if i really even want to get out of it. i just don't understand things. things seem so fake to me. the memories i have, all seem so ancient, so distant, and they seem like it wasn't me. it seems like i watched it somewhere on tv and i am recalling it from there. sometimes when im alone i just sit think, this has to be a joke! this has to be some cruel joke, like the Truman Show. i'm not saying everyone is surrounded and working off of me, but it's just funny. the things that have happened to me seem scripted, seem like someone's idea of a good sitcom. the adventures of me. and i dont know why? why? even in things that don't involve me directly, suddenly have everything to do with me. why is the electricity shut off on the night that i didn't wash. and why didn't i wash every possible article of clothing before it did? why did the other phone ring and let me hear something i didn't want to hear? why did i fly down there, and her not even show up? why? why? explanations have never came, and aren't presently on their way. why doesn't she believe me when i tell her i love her? why haven't i given up? why can't i live without her in my life? why don't i know better? and if I do, then why not change? why do i hate this job so much? it seems like all i'm ever full of is questions. answers have never come cheap, using it's at my expense. when i think of what i would get for this, is it even worth it. sometimes i question it. is love really worth it? every problem, every argument, every miscommunication, is it all worth the trouble? sometimes i think it would be much easier just to not love, because all it seems to do is cause problems when i do love. it seems like i am attacked with the negative when i try to cultivate a positive. i just don't understand why? why can't people just be the way that they are? why the games? why the fronts? why the walls and barriers? why can't everyone just be themselves? is it that bad that people have to completely act like different people, only to have you find out later how they really are? has the world gone so south that it requires you to have a completely false identity when you meet somebody? these things just make my blood boil, i feel so helpless and powerless. at the end of the day, i sleep, and that seems to be the only thing that eases my mind. i guess if there is a person out there who really eases my mind, i haven't met them yet.
"I need someone to ease my mind
But sometimes that someone is so hard to find"
i just dont know. i guess my mind gets lost in all the questions out there. another day here.
2 comments:
i guess what i don't really believe in that, is because i think you can change when you want to. its like my dad. being the alcoholic that he was, they tell me i'm at risk. me? to me i don't see it that way. i understand things happen and can affect your life, cause things that have happened have affected mine. but i still think i can make a conscience decision to not do something. that's he beauty of free will. if things happen for a reason, then they happen for the reason i choose.
but you know, if it does ease your mind then great. i guess like you said, depending on how each person was raised and the enviroment they grew up in affects their perception of things. maybe people who weren't affected by a broken home or other things like that have more hope? i dont know, for sure, i guess it just depends on the person. someone could go through so much that you would think make them so experienced and knowledgable, and they could still be dumb as nails.
And actually I dont mind hearing that. You know it's a nice thing when someone is positive, it's helpful. I don't want to seem like a bitter old grumpy guy. Maybe I should stop looking at the past as a painful memory, and try harder to use hindsight, and apply it towards the future as a lesson learned.
And do worry about not being able to express thoughts more clearer. i have a hard time even finding the words most of the time. i really wish i would have learned spanish, since it seems the language conveys thoughts so much better.
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