for becks

Forever make it last
Forever take pleasure in you
Or topple down to the earth
Like they’d expect me too.

And excuses are grace
And procrastination is my key
Weakness i hold as treasure
Yes, there all parts of me

But holding on was always a lot harder
Then i ever thought it to be
And the release of the thoughts
Was always an impossibility

Watching through the one way mirror
Feeling nothing but pity and shame
And if places were traded, would they still be elated?
Seeing their reflection in the blame

But insults are just as sweet
As compliments given out
For my delights the same, in words of praise
Than it is in scorn and doubt.

And how could i win their approval
Show me how to maneuver them to my side
Teach me how to empty myself
So i can be refilled with that ridiculous pride

So, really, negativity i welcome with open arms
And their contempt and disdain i accept with a grin
For i brought this upon myself,
I wouldnt have started this race, if i didnt expect to win.

I wrote this back in 1999 for my then gf Becky. See the problem then was her dad (well both of her parents) weren't too keen on me. they pretty much just didn't like me. they didn't know me, and from the looks of it weren't concerned about getting to know me either. back then i thought it was a huge injustice for that to happen. how can they dislike me so much? what have I ever done to them? (besides date their only daughter). I was so enraged by this, i was so infuriated by their lack of interest in the guy their daughter liked. and the by product? this poem. i worked on it A LOT, revision after revision until it finally come out saying the exact way i felt. i must have changed the last line atleast 4 times, each one ending in a completely different way. but over the years, now that things didn't turn out the way i thought (which actually is my fault) i can look back and learn. see back then i began thinking in a way i had never thought before. because it seemed that all i got was negativity from them, then i was happy about that. i took that as if they don't know me, but still are taking the time, to talk about me, to make up stories, to be "concerned" then i was happy about that. that sounds odd i know. but in my head i thought it through this way. when you have nothing, even the bad is something. let me put it in a illustration. you have bad credit. does this mean you have no credit? no, you it's just bad. but you HAVE it. that was my point. even if they were thinking negative things about me, they were still thinking about me. and to me, that was enough. i was not going to let them dismiss me so easily. i was so determined to have my face in their view at all times. just to let them know i wasnt going away, that i was still there. and if they were going to give me the negativity, then i would love it, i would cherish it, i would make it my own. I think most people would not understand that, cause how could you embrace negativity and having people talk about you like that? i guess it's up to the person. I know I can be a negative person. I know that. That's something that I have within me, be it a flaw. So when they gave me that, i felt it was something I already had, it was something I was used too. I knew I could handle it. It did make me mad, but I was determined to not let them win. If i was going to be down, then it was because I was going to be down, and not because of them. I think about it now, and of course how things worked out, it didn't make much difference. But I'm glad. Not for how it ended, but because I tried and worked, and got something I wanted. It's a good example for me, that if you try and you work, then yes sometimes you do get what you want. And the attitude I still have. I've changed it a bit, because maturity and circumstances do that. But I'm the same way. Like I'ved said before, i don't believe so much that things happen for a reason. But the things that do happen, can be used as reasons. Reasons to change, reasons to love, reasons to learn. and those negative things are converted into positive things. a lot of time people think I'm negative, and like i said before, that can be true. but usually when I sound negative, i'm not being negative. i'm just being realistic, and trying to learn from the experience or circumstance. and oh how much is there still to learn! about life, love, women! i can never be finished learning about women. such complex and yet so simple creatures. but's that a whole other post. and you know, the attitude is not easy. it isn't always easy being positive, especially when you have nothing but negative to work with. and that's where I guess I think it's up to the person. It take a conscience effort to be positive, because naturally, and with the world the way it is, we are negative. We start off positive, and because of life, because of others and circumstances, we become negative and bitter. And it's by no means easy to be and remain positive. sometimes there appears to be no point in being positive. but with me, how i have learned, i have to be. i know being negative brings nothing to the table. and that doesn't mean i'm mr. happy go lucky, i don't dance around and jump out of bed in the morning. that's just not me. maybe I choose the hard way sometimes when I don't need too, but that's just me. that's my life so far. the good with the bad. like d. grohl said so eliquently:

Good and Bad
I swear I've had
them both are overrated
but isn't it fun?
when you get hold of one.

wait and pray you'll pick on me
the day i raise my hand
Guess that I've been blessed
But I'll be damned.