i'm the lonely man in black

you know while getting dressed this morning (in a super rush cause i was late) it dawned on me. i'm wearing the same thing day after day. I dont mean the same shirt, or the same jeans, but the same color. i seem to unknowingly be wearing black everyday. because it's our last days at work (2 more weeks to go) we can wear jeans, a privilege i take advantage of everyday. but as for my shirt, these days it's always black. long sleeved, short sleaved, collar, no collar, doesn't matter its black. i even bought a shirt last night at wal mart (yeah i know big spender) and what color did i buy? blue? Nope! Red? Never! Grey? Nuh uh! Black, black, always black. And I wonder why? Am I depressed? Am I feeling down? is it normal? The funny thing about it is, this isn't the first time. I remember back when I dated Becky, she would always point out that I wore a black shirt, blue jeans, and boots. Which is pretty much what I have on these days. Could it be the winter weather? I remember when I was in Paris and London, everybody wore black. Am I trying to have that European look? Maybe I'm fashionable! Hehe...I doubt that, considering half of my clothes came from Wal Mart. I've always heard that black absorbes heat, is that why people wear darker clothes in the winter? to absorb the most heat they can? Well actually, growing up my favorite color had been black. Is that morbid? Don't get me wrong, i like blue and grey, and actually lately I have started wearing more brown. I don't know why, must be that Mexican influence kicking in.

Well i stayed up for the meteor shower lastnight. Was outside at about midnight waiting to see the little streaks of light. I saw a whopping 3. But don't worry, I don't blame you meteorites. I blame the city of San Antonio. They should have known there was a meteor shower lastnight, and in preparation, they should have turned off the lights. we don't need lights all night long. what good are they when people are already asleep? and don't cars already have headlights? we don't need street or highway lights. and yes it's true, i could have driven out farther in the country where i would have seen more, but what by myself? see in these times, i wish i had someone. i wish i had her. what could possibly be more romantic then that? sitting outside, it was cold so we would snuggle, watching the stars fall out of the sky. i mean come on! if that doesn't sound storybook, i don't know what does. and you know, that make me think of what I have always said. I have been in some of the most romantic places, at the most oppurtune times, and I have looked next to me, and there was nobody there. and the person that was there, was not the person i wanted to be there. it started when I moved to Washington. we had stopped outside of Portland, and made our way to the coast. We ate in town called Cannon Beach, the place they filmed The Goonies. Well I remember walking out of the restaurant, the sunset was starting, and a light fog was moving in. Me and Matt and another friend walked down the beach, and we witnessed the most beautiful sunset ever. We all thought the same thing, cause as we walked down the beach, we all said, man what are we doing? Look at this! We have the most beautiful setting here, and we got no one. We should have chicks with us! It was so....stupid. Then on to Paris. As I walked through the Louvre, sat at the banks of the Sienne, as I sat there looking at the Eifel Tower, it sparkling with the new lights they had put up on it, I sat alone. I ate my strawberry tart (which i would have shared with someone if someone was there) and gazed at the beauty of the structure. London was the same, as I walked through Picadilly Circus, and crossed Tower Bridge, stood next to Stonehenge, and I look next to me, and the space is empty. I remember walking in Central Park and shopping in Manhattan, and next to me was empty. I remember being on the Cruise ship in the Carribean, and after dinner going up to the empty top deck, looking out over the ocean while the moonlight hit the waves, and there next to me, nothing. I remember riding back to Puerto Vallarta on a boat, watching the sunset over the bahia de banderas and yup, you guessed it, nothing. How many places I have been, how many sunsets and postcard worthy scenes I have seen, and I have no one to share them with. That's the only draw back of being single. I love being single, I really do, but those are things I would like to share. Those things are meant to be shared.

Well I guess now all of you see a little bit of softer side of me. It's true, I sometimes do get lonely, sometimes wish I had a partner in crime. For too long have I felt on my own, alone. It's not something that had made me sad or depressed, because I realize that's the deal life has dealt. Growing up I was told I would have to take care of myself, worry about myself, provide for myself, because no one else would. And I guess as I get older, (yeah i know 24 isnt old) I start to feel selfish for some reason. I feel like it's me me me, and I'm tired of me me me. I'm tired of only thinking about me, it's grown old. I think I'm at the point, or I'm getting to the point, where I want to share. Too long have I thought about myself and myself only, I want to somehow channel that energy to someone. To invest that time and energy in someone else. But I guess until then, all I can do work and stay busy and try not to think about it, and avoid any romantic settings that come my way.