the past has left me be

"the past has left me be
returning as in dream
shattered as belief..."

i read those lyrics and i think to myself that isn't always true. not this weekend it hasn't. see i've been staying over here at a friend's house until we finally get the apartment. i guess you could say it's on my "old" side of town, which happens to be the northside of s.a. i lived over here for about 8 or 9 years. then in 2000 i moved over to the southside of town. which is like another universe. different people, different things to do, different culture. it's no secret that the "northside" is predominantly white, and the "southside" is mexican or hispanic. there are mixes of course, but that's usually how it is. you can just tell by the cars, and the condition and the size of the houses. i'm not saying mexicans are poorer, but yeah i guess that's just it. but anyways, i'm over here on my "old side" and i feel odd. i have friends over here, but i hardly talk to them anymore. since i moved, they have moved on. they made new friends, married, had children. and i dont have any of that. i guess 4 years can be a long time, and a lot can happen in that time. it's almost like someone disappearing for 4 years and then suddenly you see them. i'm sure you will be happy to see them, but you don't know what's going on in their lives, you don't know the struggles they have endured. it takes time to catch up, and neither me or them are willing to spend that time. either way, being on this side of town, their side of town, it's inevitable that i will run into atleast someone. and i did today. we were at walmart, and i was walking by the toy section and i saw a friend. he was actually a good friend's dad, but nevertheless a good friend. back then he always tried to help. he tried to show me guidance, and be a little more of a father figure. he call's me mijo. he's a good man. he shook my hand and gave me a hug. his younger son was there (who is a giant now compared to what i remember) and he shook my hand too. we chatted a bit, about my brother and my sister. he spoke of his family, his daughter was 23 now, and his other son, was 21. they were going out for karoake tonight and were going to burn up the stage. his 21 year old son who's name is gilbert (but always call him cubby, said like "koobie") and he is a wildman. when he does karoake, he dances and mimics all the moves of the performer. i remember seeing his Ricky Martin impression, and i nearly had a heart attack i was laughing so hard. we talked for a bit more, and then said our goodbyes. another hand shake and a hug. i walked away happy to see him and to hear about the family, but i felt odd. as i walked through the walmart, i realized i can't escape. not saying i want too, but even if i wanted to, i couldn't. besides completely moving to a different state or country and completely starting over, there is no way. and it kind of bugs me. it's almost like saying, that no matter what has happened in the past, no matter how much i strive to change and better myself, i can go to walmart and see someone there who will bring it all back. someone will always be there to remind me of the past. even if i try and try to forget it, it lives on in others and they can remind me at any time. without a moments notice. without my asking. and that kind of frustrates me. i dont like to "live" in the past, i dont like to dwell on it, but it seems that all i ever talk about is it. i am always seeing old friends, and talking about the days of long ago. what great times we had back then. what great things we did. the stories continue through the years, they change a bit depending on who's telling it, but it's always the same story. and sometimes i get tired of hearing those stories. they are tired and old. they should be lay to rest, and only brought up over a couple beers or a campfire, or both. i guess what i'm saying is that when all your hear about is the past, the constantly pondering on it, it's hard to look ahead to the future. Reminds me of a scripture: “No man that has put his hand to a plow and looks at the things behind is well fitted for the kingdom of God.” So that's the hard part. Remembering the past, without dwelling on it, while still keeping your eyes looking straight ahead. Maybe it's this side of town, maybe i need to wear a disguise like Michael Jackson. It's just that i am trying to leave the past be, but it seems it doesn't want to let me be. it seems that more and more things come out of past and bite me in the butt then anything else in life. did i really make that many mistakes in my existance? did i really paint myself into such a corner? and i know it's great to see old friends, and i do enjoy that. but something in me isn't satisfied with that. i don't want to only talk about old times, i want to have new times, and see places that I haven't seen and meet new people i've never met. something about getting an apartment, and a job just doesn't appeal to me. then what? i just bored during the weekend because i don't have too much money after i pay the apartment and the car payment and the insurance and the water, and the electricity. i understand this is life, this is the everyday grind. this is what ol' jim and bob workerman do everyday. their wife packs their ham and cheese sandwich, with mustard and mayo. she gives them a fruitcup because chips are bad for their hearts, and off they go with their thermoste of hot coffee. they slave until 5 o'clock until it's time to come home, eat dinner and do it all over again the next day. and this is what i fear. i'm afraid if i keep staying in the past, my future is passing me by. i'll end up like jim and bob, wondering what could have been, only seeing the places i want to visit on the travel channel or on a calender at work. i'm not certain what i want to do with the future, but that's what i love about the fact. it's unscripted, it's uncertain. eventhough i do know what's ultimatley going to happen, the path to make it to that point is not clear. the uncertainty is familiar, i've grown up with it all of my life. and now that i think, maybe that's why i think about the past so much. cause it's certain. it's concrete, it can't be changed. nothing in my life has been certain, nothing has been concrete. so maybe by looking towards the past it brings comfort. but it's only temporary comfort. i remember saying the past is a nice place to visit, but it's no place to live. sooner or later the realization hits you that things are not as they used to be. people have changed, times have changed, you have changed. and sometimes i feel empty, because if I have no progress to show for the future, and my past is already spoken for, then what do i have? a wondering mind? i guess this is where i make the decision to stop. stop looking or dwelling and living in what's already gone. i can look back and reflect, but the time is now to act. instead of always thinking what i never got in life, i can realize what i have now, and if i work hard what I can get later. and of course this is all easier said then done. like i said even when you are hellbent on looking only to the future, someone or something will come and try to take you off course. that's inevitable. it's certain. but i guess if you were to make the conscience effort to move ahead, whatever obstacles might present themselves get pushed aside. they get torn down. i guess all in all, it's up to each person to decide. no one can make that choice for him or her. and it's the same with me. if i see someone who reminds me of those things, then fine, that's life. but the past has left me be. maybe it's time i leave it be in return.